Sunday, January 23, 2005

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 29 to Day 35

Those 3 Damning Words.

Hello, again freaks and geeks to our latest installment of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship.

When we last left our couple, they were busy fornicating up a storm and pondering their coupledom. As you may remember, Mike knew he was in a relationship, while Lisa was learning to accept that she was tied down to, yet another, boyfriend.

“Wait! What do you mean ‘another boyfriend’” you say? Sorry, but you’ll have to wait for the next installment to learn more about that juicy bit of history.

Anyways, back to our delightfully sinning couple.

So, Mike and Lisa have been really busy since we last read about them. Busy SINNING!! I mean, they are really into breaking God’s commandments. Besides that, they also like to talk about some junk and spend time with each other.

Time spent SINNING!! Whooo-hoo!

Anyways, so, one day, right around Day 30 of this ticking time-bomb, a strange thing happens. You see, Mike was over at Lisa’s house (you know, chilling with his girlfriend in preparation for a night of sinning) when Mike dared to utter those 3 damning words. You know which words I’m talking about. Yes, those words! Words so utterly horrible, that they can only be spoken in a badly written dialogue sequence.

Lisa [taking out the trash]: “Oh, yea, you said you had something to tell me Mike…”

Mike [watching Lisa take out the trash and standing by the door shyly like a poor little schoolboy asking his crush out on their first date]: “Oh, yea…well, I’ve been thinking a lot about us…”

Lisa [not really paying attention]: “Uh-huh...”

Mike: “Yea, so, you know we’ve been getting along pretty well together. You know, just like the fortune cookie said? And, I mean the sinning has been really great too and all. So, like I just thought you should know that how I feel is…really…you know…I mean you should know that I like, love you…and some stuff.”

Lisa [who has just dropped her trash bag on the ground]: “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

Mike: “Look, I mean, I know that this may not be forever or anything. You know, like don’t freak out or anything. But, it’s like, I love you…and some stuff.”

Lisa: “Oh…that’s nice.”

Lisa then proceeded to actually put the trash in the can, walk into her house, and pretend like those 3 damning words were never spoken.

But, they were spoken. And, they could not be taken back. And, Lisa knew this. Desperate to figure out what to do, Lisa proceeded to ask 2 reliable sources what she should do in regards to this situation- Her fellow co-workers and me (yes, I’m actually an excellent reliable source; you’ll see!).

So, Lisa asked her co-workers about Mike’s damning words. Lisa thought after just a month of dating, that it was too soon for Mike to be feeling the feelings that he was feeling. But, Lisa’s co-worker’s disagreed.

They felt that there was no time restriction on when a person can fall in “love.” That Mike was perfectly justified in falling in “love” with Lisa after just 30 days. They also felt that Lisa should honestly search her feelings and see if she felt the same way. If she did, she should tell Mike.

I know, I know. Lisa’s co-workers are as stupid as Kobe Bryant. Lucky for Lisa, she had me to set her on the right path.

Lisa: “I think it’s way too early, but maybe not. When, I think about it, maybe I might feel the same way about him.”

Reese: “Girl, please. Those people are crazy! Listen to all that junk they keep talking about- “love” and “feelings.” Please! What you need to be on the watch for is if he’s a psycho stalker.”

Lisa: “Ummm, I don’t think he’s a psycho stalker…”

Reese: “Lisa, you are in the situation, so you know nothing. I’m not in the situation, so I know everything. Trust me on this. It’s a proven fact that if someone falls in love with you in the 1st month, then they’re probably a psycho stalker.”

Lisa: “Really?”

Reese: “Yea, girl. You better go put bullets in that gun the cops give you ADA’s.”

Lisa: “Wow! I didn’t even think about that. But, Reese, what if he’s not a psycho stalker...”

Reese: “He’s a psycho stalker.”

Lisa: “But, what if he’s not?”

Reese: “If he’s not, then he’s still a danger to you. He’s gonna want to marry you in like 3 months.”

Lisa: “NOOOO!!!!”

Reese: “Yea, girl.”

Lisa: “What should I do?”

Reese: “Okay, keep pretending like it didn’t happen. Then, if he says something, just be like, “Look, I don’t know if you’re a psycho stalker or not, but there’s 2 things you should know: 1) I have bullets in my gun; and 2) I ain’t getting married.” That should take care of any kind of “love” discussion.”

Lisa: “Oh, yea, I like that. Thanks for setting me straight, Reese. And to think, I might’ve actually told Mike that I “love” him.

Reese [laughing]: “I know, girl.”

Lisa [laughing]: “That would’ve been stupid.”

So, Lisa went on to take my most excellent advice and kept pretending like nothing happened. When Mike pressed her about her feelings, she just told him about bullets and marriage and that took care of any further discussion about “love.”

What?!?! Okay, okay, fine! I’ll tell the truth!! Geez Louise, people. I can’t believe you want the truth and not humorous poetic license. Fine!

Soooo, Lisa didn’t take my advice exactly as I stated it. But, it was pretty close.

Day 33

Mike: “Lisa, I love you. You understand that, right?”

Lisa [flinching]: “Uh-huh…”

Day 34

Mike: “I love you, Lisa.”

Lisa [cringing]: “Okay…”

Day 35

Mike: “I just love you so much.”

Lisa [completely recoiling]: “OH MY GOD!! YOU HAVE TO STOP!!”

Mike: “What, I don’t understand?”

Lisa: “Okay, look, I just think it’s impossibly early for you have to these feelings that you’re feeling. And since I don’t have these feelings, and I can’t stand to hear you say these feelings, I forbid you to ever say those 3 damning words ever again!”

Mike: “What!?! You mean like, forever?”

Lisa: “Well, at least until a much more respectable time period has elapsed and I feel the same way.”

Mike: “Let me get this straight. You want me to actually stop telling you that “I Love You?”

Lisa: “Right.”

Mike: “Until much later on in our relationship when you feel the same way?”

Lisa: “Yes.”

Mike: “Ooookay….”

Lisa [breathing a sigh of relief]: “Whew! I’m glad we’ve come to an understanding about this.”

Mike: “Uh-huh….you’re a weirdo, you know that?”

Lisa: “Whatever.”

So, Mike and Lisa were able to come to an understanding about those 3 damning words. Mike would simply never say them again.

Sigh! I just love a happy ending.

In our next edition our couple starts to dig into their past history. And, it gets good! Stay tuned for Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 36 to Day 90. Check Your Baggage at the Door.

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger Lez said...

This is great. When's the book coming out? I want to interview you on my videoblog!!!

11:55 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Thanx, Lez. I'm in talks with Brad Pitt to make a movie about my writings.

Well, in my imagination anyways. ;)

Give me a call, e-mail me, or something and I'd be happy to do an interview. :)

8:25 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

That "I love you" blog was freakin' hilarious! GEEZ you are like speakin' for me! I swear I'm going through what Lisa is right now!

Youre awesome!

7:22 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Oh, my self-esteem scale just went up 10 points. Thanx so much for the praise, Desiree! :)

5:59 PM  
Blogger jeopardygirl said...

Reese, that is really funny. Lisa cracks me up...okay, you do, too, but this girl is so totally opposite me. On our 3rd date, Esso looked me in the eyes and told me he loved me. I looked him back in his eyes and said, "no you don't," but I didn't scream at him. 15 and a half years later, I've realized he was right in the first place.

8:59 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

JG: "Lisa" is a mess. I mean that literally. She's all messed up. ;)

Wouldn't it be funny if "Lisa" and "Mike" got married? Oh, the stories I could write...


PS: "Lisa" and "Mike" did not get married.

1:04 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

ok, first of all congrats about your ass!!!

second, what the hell! I've been waiting for a freakin' YEAR to know what happened to these freaks!

7:32 PM  

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