Monday, April 11, 2005

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 36 to Day 90 [Part 2]

Check Your Baggage at the Door.

[London. Spring, 1893]

Reese: “Oh, my god! C’mon H.G.! I really need to get this time machine fixed.”

H.G. Wells: “It’s been done for a month!”

Reese: “Really?”

H.G. Wells: “Yes, and I’d appreciate it if you would leave my century, please. I have books to write. Books that will eventually become Hollywood blockbusters starring Tom Cruise and that guy from the Count of Monte Christo. Go procrastinate in the 1980’s. Watch some Jem.”

Reese: “You know that’s not a half bad idea.”

H.G. Wells: “Good god! I was just kidding! Geez, if you are the future of mankind, then mankind has no future.”

Reese: “Huh??”

H.G. Wells: “How can mankind progress if humans refuse to do what they’re obligated to do?”

Reese: “Uhhh…”

H.G. Wells: “We’ll probably all become a bunch of mindless idiots that end up as food for our cave-dwelling, ape like cousins.”

Reese: “Whhazzza?”

H.G. Wells: “You’re an idiot.”

Reese: “Uhh…”

H.G. Wells: “Go finish this 2-parter for your blog! Now!”

Reese: “Ooh-kay…”

H.G. Wells: “In the meantime I’m going to write a great novel that I hope will inspire people to not become lazy rif-raft like yourself. I think I’ll call it, The Time Machine.”

Reese: “Oh, that’s original.”

H.G. Wells: “Are you still here?!?! Get to narrating!”

Reese: “Alright, alright! I’m going, I’m going!”

[United States of America. Spring, 2005]

Well, hello there everyone! And welcome to our latest installment of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship. I would have written it sooner, but it took forever for H.G. to fix the time machine…


Okay, so I’ve been chilling in late 19th century Europe for a while. Hey, I needed a vacation. Plus, during my time off I started writing this really cool new series. When I first started writing it, it was really funny. Now, it’s getting all weird and “science-fictiony.” It’s kinda cool though. At least it is in my head. In my head it’s like the major motion picture that…


Oh, yea! Lisa and Mike. Lisa and Mike. Okay, gotta stay focused. I’ve been having problems staying focused lately. It’s like I’m all over the place and…


Oh, right. Okay, Lisa and Mike.

Well, now let’s see. When we last left Lisa and Mike, they were delving into their past relationships. Exploring their baggage, if you will. We learned that Lisa doesn’t have the greatest track record. And, that Karma took the liberty of biting her in the butt a few times due to her lack of commitment. But, I bet you guys didn’t know something? I bet you didn’t know that Karma is planning on biting Mike in the butt too? Oh, yea, it’s true. I had to interview her for this article, so I know.

Reese: “So, tell me Karma- you’ve worked overtime on Lisa, but what about Mike? What big plans do you have for him?”

Karma: “Well, Reese…Oh, and by the way, I love your blog. It’s totally awesome. The best one I have ever read in the known universe. You have good things coming your way. Trust me.”

Reese: “WICKED! Thanx, Karma.”

Karma: “You’re quite welcome. Anyways, as I was saying, Mike hasn’t been the little sweetheart that you mortals think he is.”

Reese: “He hasn’t?”

Karma: “Oh, far from it. Before he dated Lisa, he did something incredibly cruel and evil.”

Reese: “Really? What was it?”

Karma: “Well, I could tell you, but I think it’s better if I show you. C’mon! We can take my time machine.”

Reese: “You have a time machine?!? Oh, man! I wish I had known that before I got stuck in 19th century Europe.”

Karma: “Had to visit H.G., huh? Boy is he a stick in the mud.”

Reese: “I know!”

Karma: “Don’t worry. I’ll get him back for you. I’ll make everyone think that War of the Worlds was created by Orson Welles as a radio broadcast from the 1930’s instead of a novel by H.G. Wells written in the 1800’s.”

Reese: “Oh, Karma! You are so bad!”

Karma: “I know. I should have it coming…but, I’m Karma. So I don’t!”

Reese: “Hahahahaha!”

Karma: “Hahahahaha!! Oh, that was funny. Okay, now let’s go before your audience gets restless.”

[Time Traveling Music]: Dooo-do-doo-do-dooo-do-doo-do-doo-do-doo

Karma: “So, do you mind if I take over the narration here?”

Reese: “Not at all. Be my guest.”

Karma: “Thanx!”

{Karma Narrates…}

Okay, so I know that you guys want to know all about Mike’s ex-girlfriends. But, beyond the occasional college senior that he dated in his THIRTIES, there’s really only one ex-girlfriend that you really need to know about. And, she is, perhaps, the most important one of all.

You see, before Lisa, Mike was dating this chick. We’ll call her Amy. Nice girl. She lived in a different state than Mike, so it was a long distance relationship.

Now the funny thing about Mike was his initial description about his relationship with Amy. When he first explained to Lisa why they broke up, he made it seem like it was all because of the distance. That Amy wasn’t willing to move and he wasn’t willing to move, so they broke up. Oh, but there’s more to this story that was a whopping 5 years in the making!

Now, for the women in the audience, I ask you a simple question: What woman, who already has a child, is going to leave her home, to move closer to her boyfriend, without a nice diamond on her finger?

The answer is no woman. It was this casual fact that Mike left out when describing his relationship with Amy to Lisa. For you see, Amy desperately wanted to get married. And, Mike knew this. But, Mike, being the man that he is, and not wanting to be the bad guy, didn’t know how to tell Amy that, while he wanted to get married, he didn’t want to marry her.

[2000] Desperately Seeking Housewife Status Girlfriend

Amy: “So, I think we should talk about this. I really would like to get married.”

Mike: “Yea, yea. Cool, cool.”

Amy: “So, you want to get married too?”

Mike: “Yea, yea. Cool, cool.”

Amy: “Yes! I’m so happy.”

Mike: “Yea…cool…”

{Karma Narrates…}

Oh, Mike! That was just wrong. That was very, very, very wrong.

Men, why do you do things like this? You lie to some poor girl just so you don’t have to deal with the uncomfortable situation of breaking her heart. Just tell her the truth and get it over with. It’s better than doing it the hard way; also known as “Mike’s Way.” Let’s skip ahead a year later- you’ll see what I mean.

[2001] Desperately Seeking Housewife Status Girlfriend

Amy: “So…”

Mike: “So…”

Amy: “Where’s my GD ring!?!?”

Mike: “Yea, about that…See, the thing is, you totally misunderstood me before. You see, I want to get married, I just don’t…

Amy [stewing in seething rage]

Mike: “…want…”

Amy [rage is increasing]

Mike: “…to marry...”

Amy [rage about to boil over]

Mike: “…you...”

Amy [screaming in exploding rage]: “WHAT!?!?”

Mike: “I’m sorry…”


{Karma Narrates…}

So, Amy and Mike broke up…


Wait, I forgot.

They get back together again…

[2002] Desperately Seeking Housewife Status Girlfriend

Amy: “Look, Mike, I’ve been thinking…we should try us out again. Give us a second chance.”

Mike: “Yea, yea. Cool, cool.”

Amy: “You do know that I want to get married though, right?”

Mike: “Yea, yea. Cool, cool.”

Amy: “Okay. I’m so happy!”

Mike: “Yea…cool…”

{Karma Narrates…}

Yea, I know.

Just…just keep reading…

[2003] Desperately Seeking Housewife Status Girlfriend

Amy: “So…”

Mike: “So…”

Amy: “Where’s my GD ring?!?!”

Mike: “Yea, about that…See, the thing is, you totally misunderstood me before. You see, I was just acknowledging the fact that you want to get married. You see, I want to get married, I just don’t…

Amy [stewing in seething rage]

Mike: “…want…”

Amy [rage is increasing]

Mike: “…to marry…”

Amy [rage about to boil over]

Mike: “…you...”

Amy [screaming in exploding rage]: “WHAT?!?! THEN WHY DID YOU GET BACK TOGETHER WITH ME?!?!!?”

Mike [shrugging his shoulders]: “Good question…”


{Karma Narrates…}

So, Mike and Amy finally split up for good. And, Mike moves on from a sure thing in Amy, into a relationship with…

Reese: "LISA!!"

Karma: “Now, I’ve spent a lot of time with Lisa, so I can easily say this: she ain’t no sure thing!”

Reese: “Wow…”

Karma: “Yea, I thought it was bloody brilliant of me to set Mike up with Lisa. I mean, look at him! He’s in love with the one woman who NEVER falls in love.”

Reese: “Wow, Karma. That’s kinda mean.”

Karma: “Hey, the Bible doesn’t say you reap what you sow for nothing.”

Reese: “I guess not.”

Karma: “Yea, that’s right- I’m a “BE-OTCH!!” Hehehe…So, anyways, Reese, why don’t you do a little recap for the good people?”

Reese: “Okay!”

Lisa’s Baggage: Many boyfriends, but not a true feeling of commitment in the bunch.

Mike’s Baggage: Avoided telling a long time flame that he didn’t want to marry her for 5 years. Now dating a girl who can’t admit she’s his girlfriend, isn’t in love with him, and doesn’t want him to say that he’s in love with her. Ouch!

So, what do you guys think? Can these two check all of this baggage at the door and make this relationship work?

Karma & Reese: "Hahaha!"

Karma & Reese: "Hahahahahahahahaha!!"

Reese: “Oh, that’s so funny! The idea that this would actually work. Oh, gosh, there are actually tears streaming down my face due to the immense hilarity of such a proposition.”

Karma & Reese: "Hahahahahahahahahaha!!"

Reese: “Okay, okay. Stay tuned to our next installment of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 91 to Day 120. The Fight that Really Wasn’t.”

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.


Anonymous Joanne said...

You are tooooo funny! Poor Mike - poor Mike?! Whatever, you reap what you sow, right? Boy, I may be in big trouble. Good one, Reese!

12:21 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Thanx, Joanne! :) And, I think we may all be in some trouble. Karma's not a nice lady. ;)

1:38 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Thats it?? Where are they now? Are they together? GEEEZZZZ Is lisa going to the retreat, cause if she is, thats reason enough for me to go...damnit! Thats just a tease there, we already knew about Lisa's phobia of commitment, we can figure out that its karma for mike. I wanna know if they are still together, HULLOOOOO

Sorry new asthma meds got me a little jittery ; )

2:24 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...


Do you know how hard it is to get Karma to sit down and do an interview, let alone take us time travelling with her? You should be grateful! ;)

Plus, this was a 2-parter. Remember? ;)

2:31 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Fine. I guess I'll keep holding my breath...

2:45 PM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

wow the mystery grows. Am I still with him or not. Wouldn't you all like to know. But I'm not telling. (mostly because Reese knows where I live and I don't want to die)

7:40 AM  
Blogger Karla said...

Yay an new installment! LoL you are too funny reese!

8:37 AM  
Anonymous Mohamed said...

Reese, partially inspired by your "dysfunctional relationship", I blogged about something different here!

4:17 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Mohamed: Interesting post. And, I'm still having bad thoughts about Brad Pitt. Thanx a lot! ;)

11:43 AM  
Blogger Jessica R. said...

LOVE the dialogue with karma - this is funny stuff!!

Don't leave us hanging for more!!

1:58 PM  
Blogger Caro said...


miss karma.


i dont know if i like you. *glances over shoulder in case locusts begin flying from the horizon"

i'm yadda-yadda-yadda if someone does something bad to me then they'll their's "hurrah" revenge....whatever....i mean that seems like a good option for me given what's happened to me in recent months....BUT that only means that i must have done something to someone that inflicted the equal amount of pain that was inflicted upon me....which is awful. bah.

i also think a lot.

; )

hurrah for the new entry......nooooooooow i want another. =P


4:51 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home