Monday, April 04, 2005

Reese's Secret Disney Guide Book: Chapter 1

Disney, Incorporated and everything it represents is supposed to convey happiness. But, on the inside, this corporation actually conveys something else.

Something, less…happy.

Chapter 1: Disney is Evil

Yes, Disney, Inc. is actually an evil corporation. I think it is the most evil of all corporations. Even attorneys hate Disney. When I was in law school, any case we read that involved Disney would actually make our professors recoil into their podiums. Yes, Disney has that kind of effect on people. But, why, you may be asking yourselves. Why is Disney so evil?

Well, it’s mainly Disney’s policies and actions that make it evil. Just look at how it treats its workers. Disney employees are nothing but indentured servants to this company. Really, it’s written into their contracts:

“Thou shalt be indentured to the services of master, Disney, for the termeth of 13 yeareths. And, if thoueth shall run away on the underground railroad to Universal Studios, thoueth will hath neglected master’s terms and then shall becometh a slave upon Pluto sniffing ye out and bringing ye’s sorry behind back to the Magical Plantation…uhh…thee means Magical Kingdom. As a slave, thee servant shall be endowed with all of the pain and heartache which is common of ye master’s slaves.”

Anyways, here are some real world examples of Disney’s evilness.

First, Disney employees' hair can only be so long. Like it can’t go past your chin or something for women; for men, it can’t go past the ears. Additionally, the women cannot wear make-up that’s not the same color as their flesh. Which, really, what’s the point of wearing make-up if it’s the same color as your skin? You might as well not have any on. Also, women can’t wear skirts that are more than ½ mm above their knees. Ridiculous! But, it gets better.

The male employees cannot have any facial hair whatsoever (unless, they’re one of the Pirates of the Caribbean or playing Abraham Lincoln or something at Epcot Center). And, don’t even get me started on how Disney treats its interns...

Okay, see, now you got me started, so now I have to tell you how Disney treats its interns.

Well, Disney treats its interns like crappity-crap-crap. Yes, it is possible to be treated exactly like crappity-crap-crap. And, I’ll show you how.

To treat someone like crappity-crap-crap first become a multi-billion dollar corporation. Next, invite innocent, inspiring, business students to come work for you in your “Business Administration” department. Once the students accept this great opportunity, you must tell them there are some minor rules that they must follow. Like…

* Student interns only get paid minimum wage and that as a multi-billion dollar corporation, you’re working on getting the government to excuse you from this requirement.

* Students must live on your corporation’s property. Why? Because you said so. Of course, living on your property is hilariously expensive. So, student interns will have to bunk up, 7 people to a small 1 bedroom/loft. And, of course, this little arrangement makes it so that the little money you do pay the student interns goes right back into your fat pocket.

Yes, it’s true. You have sold your soul to the devil.

* Finally, while you promise your new interns that they will be completing a business administration program, in reality, they’re really just back-up dancers, gift shop cashiers, and oversized Disney characters in case one of your indentured servants gets sick and, therefore, murdered and mysteriously proclaimed missing, by you.

Here’s another way you can treat your workers like crappity-crap-crap that involves risking their lives (and, no murdering your workers isn’t risking their lives, silly; it’s taking their lives- as punishment).

* First, come up with a cartoon character that everyone loves that does things, that if done in the real world by a real person, would probably kill that person. Let’s use flying, skinny as Mary-Kate Olsen, “Tinkerbell” as an example.

* Next, come up with a spectacular fireworks show that will enthrall your theme park guests and which has an equally spectacular stunt at the end of the show.

* Employ a young girl who is about 5 feet tall and 90 pounds as Tinkerbell. Then, make her lose 10 more pounds. Then sign her to a contract which tells her that she must remain 80 pounds for the life of her contract.

* Here’s the really sinister part. Tie up your 80-pound “Tink” to a rope. At the end of the fireworks show, as the fire is reigning down from heaven, have about 4 interns literally push the roped up Tink out of a 20 story building. That way it looks like she’s flying to the top of Cinderella’s castle and swishing her wand, just like the cartoon Tink does whenever the Disney logo appears on TV or in the movies.

Next, as Tink comes flying back at 100 miles per hour, have the 4 interns catch her with some soiled mattresses that you found at the local dump.

Do this to Tink every night of every year. If she ever dies, well, see “Chapter 3: Don’t Die at Disney, Because You Can’t."

And, so, as you can see, you haven't a worry in the world. As a mutli-billion dollar corporation named Disney, you’ve got everything taken care of.

Disney really is the corporate personification of evil. For further information on treating your workers like crappity-crap-crap, please see “Chapter 4: Pocahontas is Black."

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

I remember hearing about the "No Facial Hair" policy.
All I kept thinking was "But Walt Disney AND Roy Disney had mustaches!"

Those poor kids who have to walk all over the park in those stupid suits are treated like crap too. No bathroom or water breaks for hours.

I like Disnet films, but as a company they can go [deleted per Disney] and then go [ditto] with Pluto for all I care!

7:16 AM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

Wow This is a good series. I mean Disney is evil could have so many chapters. All the evil disney case law. You seem to be back in fine form Reese.

11:56 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

J: Yes, there's much afoul in the magic kingdom. I plan on exposing it all. ;)

Lisa: Thanx. And, yes, there are many chapters to write. There's a dearth of material!

1:19 PM  
Blogger The Mon With The Plon, loike said...

I'm always amazed by the irony of Disney - a company that makes its living out of being all cute and lovable actually being a heartless megacorporation that rules with a cold iron fist.

I never got the appeal of Disney films. They are so cutesy, formulaic and with a serious smell of cheese...

9:45 AM  

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