Saturday, February 19, 2005

Skating on Thin Ice: Why Hockey Should Stay Away Forever and Ever

DISCLAIMER: Yea, this is probably the most offensive post I have ever written. I really can't defend it, except that I think it's hilarious. Plus, it really disses hockey and I really hate hockey. So, only for this piece, I will apologize in advance for offending anyone or hurting their feelings. I really shouldn't post it, but I really do hate hockey. Okay, so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!

Well, it’s official. No more hockey. At least for this season. But, I say why just for this season? Let’s just nix it for good.

What has hockey done for you lately? Nothin’. I’ve never watched a hockey game in my life. No one I know has ever watched a hockey game. It appeals to no masses; which, is why no one cares right now that it’s gone.

Name a great hockey player besides Wayne Gretsksy. Wait, I shouldn’t presume. Do you even know who Wayne Gretsky is?

This is why I, for one, am glad that hockey is gone. It’s meaningless in the American sporting world. Football is America’s true pastime. Followed by baseball and basketball. No one gives a rat’s behind about hockey.

What’s worse is that when hockey is around, it’s actually pretty annoying. You don’t know how hard I’ve looked for a really good basketball game, on Saturday afternoon, only to find a bunch of hefty bags sliding on the ice, shoving each other into plexy glass. Which brings me to another point: Even the fights in hockey aren’t cool.

Okay, maybe the first time a fight happened on the ice was cool. Maybe even the second time. But, once Tonya Harding clubbed Nancy Kerigan in the knee before the Olympics (that was some serious, mafia style clubbing right there), hockey fights looked about as hard as two sorority sisters pulling each other’s hair out.

You would think that high sticking in the head, and teeth being knocked out and landing into fans’ laps, would be exciting. But, I see that on the highlight reel of Sportscenter and I just think, "Eh."

Maybe, if the hockey players were on steroids it would be cooler? Like, flying hefty bags, shooting laser beams out of their eyes at opposing hockey players, while telekinetically pushing the puck towards the goal would be cool.


You see, even with steroids, hockey has a major problem that makes it unappealing. Hockey is a snore-bore because there aren’t any Blacks or Latinos who play hockey. And don’t start with “there are minorities who play hockey.” Two colored guys who play hockey aren’t enough. In America, in order for your sport to be popular, you have to have most of your players be Black or Latino. And, don’t start with, “Oh, my god! That’s so offensive to white people.” It’s not offensive if it’s true (okay, well, yea, I guess it's a lot offensive).

Look, it’s a proven fact (in my head) that sports that are dominated by persons of color are cooler. And, it has nothing to do with the idea that Blacks and Latinos are superior athletically or anything. It’s just because Black and Latino athletes are more entertaining than white athletes (i.e. willing to embarrass themselves for no good reason).

Look, at your most famous white athlete…

Umm, wait let me think of one.

Hold, on.


Now, Tiger’s not white so I can’t pick him.


All right, how about, who’s the quarterback that just won the Super Bowl? Oh, yea, Tom Brady.

“Tom Brady.” His name says it all. Boring. What outrageous thing has he done lately? Nothin’.

But, look at all the outrageous Black and Latino athletes. I mean, where’s Tom Brady’s cat suit (Serena), crazy touchdown dance (Ray Lewis), or awesome Jeri Curl (Pedro Martinez)? Nowhere. He just doesn’t have it.

It’s sad really, but Tom Brady is missing what comes naturally to most famous athletes. He has no soul ("soul" being what makes Black and Latino athletes do outrageous things that have nothing to do with the sport in which they play). And, soul is what makes sports fun. And, Black and Latino athletes have soul. Now, I don’t know why Black and Latino athletes have more soul than White athletes. They just do. And, since there are no Blacks and Latinos in hockey, then hockey has no soul. Which means, hockey is boring. And, boring sports have no place in America (*cough* soccer *cough*). Which is why hockey should just go away forever and ever.

Hey, hockey!

Got soul?

I didn't think so.

May you never come back!

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger Mohamed said...

You know if I take your theory and apply it on Soccer, it would explain why it is so popular everywhere except in the US. Soccer teams everywhere have lots of Blacks and Latinos! African players are playing all over Europe, and Latin American countries are world champions. Sorry, still doesn't make sense though :-)

2:58 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Note, I said it's a proven fact in my head. That's always gonna be the clue that what follows will never make sense to anyone else but me. ;)

9:37 PM  
Blogger Mohamed said...

You know what, I think it actually does make some sense!! But I was afraid to say so, trying to avoid adding a big disclaimer like you did.

11:53 AM  
Blogger Daniel said...

I think you're right about hockey ...

Greetings from Venezuela


12:27 PM  
Blogger Mohamed said...

Reese, I wonder what you think of Canadian Curling?

2:15 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Daniel: Greetings to you as well!! Thanx for reading.

Mohamed: You know, I don't get curling. And, I actually tried to get it. But, it's like a bunch of regular people sweeping the ice with brooms. Everytime I see it, I just think "That's wrong." ;)

As far as the disclaimer goes, I really didn't want anyone to hate me. Of course, that wasn't going to stop me from posting it. So, I figure, it's good enough for me to just say sorry in advance and post it anyways. Pretty clever, huh? ;)

4:00 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

I don't get hockey eithee. The people in Denver LOVE hockey and i am like why? i dont get it. I think you are right about the whole soul thing.

10:18 AM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Reese - I really enjoy your blogs. You are a very intelligent woman! You're right about the hockey thing, buuuuut...I think BASEBALL is Americas favorite past time. Well, then again, maybe thats because I'm from Southern CA and we dont have a team in L.A. Anyway, thanks for your wisdom in the man dept. too!

1:35 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

See, IMO, baseball used to be America's pastime. But, now, even baseball can't put the ratings numbers up that football gets. And, I'm not even talking about the Super Bowl, which, every year, is the #1 watched program in America.

Anyways, that's why I said football is really America's pastime.

BTW, thanx for saying I'm intelligent. You and Karla always come up with the best compliments. I swear, I should just take you guys everywhere I go. That way, when I start feeling down, I can just turn to you guys and say "I need a self-esteem boost!" I'm pretty sure, you'd know just what to say. ;)

2:18 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

"Now, for a limited time only, your own pocket Karla & Desiree, not only will you love them for their amazing conversation and friendship, but you'll find they're just nice to have around! get 'em while they're hot!"

ok.....enough of carolina being weird....

reese you've got some wonderfully savvy (ok, that's actually just my favorrite word of moment, lol..i love the two consecutive "v"'s it makes me happy) of me rambling........i love your blog, i love your words, i actually dont agree with your hockey argument =P.....dizamn that's a lot of hockey hate, lol.
i seem to be having a good run today amd not getting rejected from leaving comments, i'm excited, hehe.
be well, i'm buying you a hockey puck.

3:21 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...


NOOOO!!! Not a hockey puck!! If you're going to buy me anything sports related, get me some Final Four tickets. Then, you'd be my best friend. ;)

LOL! I love your sense of humor. A pocket Karla and Desiree! That's funny. Although, not to be forgotten, but fellow sucias Marissa & Trina also have great compliments that come in handy. :)

Thanx for saying that I'm savvy. I always liked that word too. Although, as a kid, for some reason I was fixated on the word "acoustics." I'd just go around saying a-coooo-stix. I was a weirdo. ;p

BTW, why were you getting rejected from leaving comments?

9:39 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

This is totally off the subject, but-HULLOOO whats up with the dysfunctional couple, I loved to read about them. Is the relationship over? Did she dump him after he said the dreaded three words? WHAT HAPPENED???

1:33 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...


They're still around. I just needed a break from them for a while. For some reason, those are the longest pieces to write, although they're among my faves. I'll be getting to them soon. I just need to stop procrastinating. ;p~~~

I promise, though, and update is coming. ;)

2:25 PM  
Blogger Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

I'm extremely offended.

Not really.

Hockey is only good for the fights.


2:33 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

erm.....i DONT pissed me off....i would leave notes on people's blogs and then get a error message or an email syaing that it didnt work.....pissed me off
i still cant post on a friend of mine's blogs or mariposa's.
blah to blogger! hehe'm sitting here writing about a study i conducted for one of my bio classes and i'm drinking some diet coke......i suddenly decide to take a permenant marker and write "Coke is gooooooood" on the i on crack?....perhaps.....according to to what i wrote...i am and dont know it.

so this me procrastinating and hating finals.

leave me a comment on my blog before i die! lol....agh....i hate work.....i want WRITE!

4:30 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Caro, you seriously have the procrastination bug. If you're reading this, then you are doing the WRONG thing. I will not be responsible to your Mama for you flunking out of Supercool Boarding School. Get crackin'! And, I don't mean take crack or anything, I just mean get to studying. ;)

5:10 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

You are still humorous enough for me to forgive your past transgressions...I can hardly hold a post made WAY back in February against you.

But I trust, if we are going to be friends you will ixnay on the killing of hockey.

I, in turn, will not spew horrible things about basketball or baseball.

We can agree on Football though, I do love me some football. (and NO...not Tom Brady.) < although I will say....Brett Favre is the man and he is pretty milk toast as well. *shrugs*

3:07 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Okay, Lisa. I promise to substitute pickels for hockey, but you can never diss basketball. If you do, you have to say, "I hate oranges" instead. But, you can diss baseball. I'm not a big baseball fan. ;)

4:35 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Okay. Here's the deal.. I will trade you no dissing on hockey for no dissing on basketball. We agree to like football... and Baseball is fair game. Got it.

9:13 AM  

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