The Great Sock Debate

For those of you who are not fluent in twin speak, I have translated the above video for you. I suggest you first watch the video and then read the translation so you can truly understand the importance of this groundbreaking look into the mind of babies.

Because we only know the twins as “R” and “S,” I’m dubbing the baby with two socks as “R” and the baby with one sock as “S.” I don’t know if these are the babies’ true identities. Just go with me on this…

R: “Hey, dude. You know you only have one sock on?”

S: “Yeah, man, it looks cool, right?”

R: “Well, actually, you look crazy. Like, really crazy.”

S: “Heh, man, you’re so dramatic.”

R: “No really, it’s not right to wear just one sock.”

S: “Dude, stop busting my balls, seriously. With one sock on I’m guaranteed to keep at least one foot nice and cool.”

R: “But, you’re susceptible to hidden dangers when you walk around bare foot!”

S [laughing]: “Hidden dangers?!? Like what?!?”

R: “Like splinters!”

S [laughing]: “Dude, this floor is laminate.”

R [looking down]: “Oh, so it is. But, still, it’s not a good look.”

S: “Nah, man. I’m cool. Just leave me alone.”

R: “But, dude, I’m telling you, you look crazy.”

S [laughing]: “Wow. You are such a drama queen.”

R [waving indiscriminately]: “I’m not a drama queen!”

S: “Yeah, you are.”

R: “No, I’m not!”

S: “Okay, you’re not.”

R: “Thank you.”

S [laughing]: “Sike! You’re a drama queen.”

R: “Okay, fine, but you know what? That’s why you have to hang on to the fridge to stand. Because you only have one sock on!”

S [laughing]: “What?!? Dude, that doesn’t even make any sense.”

R: “Okay, you know what. Enough! You need to just listen to me. You know what? Let’s ask mom.”

“Mom, shouldn’t ‘S’ have both socks on?”

[silence]

“Oh, wait, I forgot you can’t understand a word I’m saying.”

“Listen guy, just go find your other sock and put it on.”

S: “No.”

R [exasperated]: “Sometimes, I really just can’t even deal with you!”

S: “And they say I’m the crazy weird one! You’re nuts, dude.”

R: “You know what, don’t come crying to me when you’ve hit rock bottom. Do you know what it looks like to hit rock bottom? You’re way down here when you hit rock bottom.” [R illustrates what rock bottom looks like]

S: “Nah, dude you know what, I’m cool. I’m straight. I’m just going to hang out by the fridge over here.”

R: “Listen to what I’m trying to tell you!”

S: “I don’t want to listen!”

R: “I’m trying to save you from rock bottom!”

S: [looks at brother like he’s a lunatic]

The End.

And thus ends The Great Sock Debate of 2011. I would like to thank “R” and “S” for getting me out of my nearly year long writing drought. For the record, I must say, I’m totally Team S on this one.

© 2011. All Rights Reserved.

A Solemn Day

Today is my birthday.

I got a Coach bag from my friend Egypt. My Judge took me out to lunch. My friends called to tell me I was old.

And then I watched the Greatest Artist of All Time, Michael Jackson, be put to rest.

Sigh. Everyone always dies or has a funeral on freakin' July 7th.

But, that's okay. Life and death...It's just human nature.




R.I.P. MJ

Human Nature

Disclaimer: This is a tribute post. If you are a Negative Betty, please leave. No Negative Betty's! Thank you.



So, I guess Michael Jackson is the only person who could get me out of my three month writer’s block. Amazing.


I am a MJ fan. I always have been and I always will be. I never believed any of the allegations hurled against him. In fact, I always felt so badly for Mike because I believed that he was stuck in emotional development hell. He only ever had about five years of normalcy before being thrust into the sweat shop that was the Jackson 5. He spent his whole life in front of the world and no one cared enough about him as a person to guide him into becoming a fully functioning adult.


I genuinely felt pity for the man. And, I honestly felt like the scorn he received was like kicking a disabled person who was already lying helpless on the ground. Just not my scene and not how I operate.


So, yeah, when MJ died I thought to myself, “Self! You gotta write something! This huge! This is MJ! The only artist on your list of Artists You Must See Live, that you never got to see live…so write something!”


And, then, like everything else that’s worth writing about on this blog, nothing was written. Nothing flowed from my brain to my fingers to Vicky5 (or is it Vicky4…I’ve lost count of my Vicky’s). Literally, I went to write an MJ tribute and my brain farted loudly (which, by the way, is not pleasant at all) and made me go listen to “Human Nature” on my Creative Zen instead.


So, here it is, four days after Michael died. All his tributes have been written, and I got nothing on my blog, but an open letter to my ex-boyfriend. It’s like, really, what happened to my talent? Why can’t I write anything, anymore?


And then, this morning, on my way to pick up breakfast at the Sky Grille in my office, a random thought popped into my head:


“Huh…the first week without any MJ ever again. Music sure is going to suck forever now.”


Now, sure that seems like a totally innocuous statement. But, when I thought about all the other things I said and emotions I felt over the last few days, I realized that I had completed my Kubler-Ross-MJ Stages of Grief. What’s more is that I could even write about my Kubler-Ross-MJ Stages of Grief on my blog (now with more cynicism, sarcasm, and self-deprecation). Finally, I have something I can write about!


So I present to you (the negative 2 of you who still read this blog), Reese’s Kubler-Ross-MJ Stages of Grief.


Denial


Thursday, June 25, 2009. 7:30pm


Reese: “Yawn! That was a good nap. Time for So You Think You Can Dance!”

“What’s this? 18 messages! Geesh, who died? [Reese states this with sarcasm that today she feels total and complete guilt for]”


TEXT Message from Egypt: “OMG, rumor that Michael Jackson had a heart attk!”

Reese [more cynicism]: “Yeah, right…”


TEXT Message from Egypt: “OMG, rumor that Michael Jackson in a coma!!”

Reese: “Whatever!”


TEXT Message from Egypt: “OMG! Rumor that Michael Jackson just died!!!
Jdksaljdsfkldsjdljdskljdsljdsl!!!111!!!!11111One!”

Reese: “Egypt is so gullible.”


TEXT Message from Egypt: “They just announced he’s dead…Channel 4 news.”

Reese: [silent]



TEXT Message from Egypt: “MJ Special on abc 2nite @ 9”

Reese [small voice]: …no way…





Anger


TEXT Message from Egypt (she sent this message twice): “MJ Special on abc 2nite @ 9”


Reese: …………



“SON OF A BITCH!!!!”





Bargaining (exactly 1 second after anger)



Reese: “NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!! DEAR LORD CAN’T YOU TAKE JOE JACKSON INSTEAD?!?!?”

“SERIOUSLY, I’LL GO GET HIM FOR YOU!!! IF YOU WANT ME TOO, I TOTALLY WILL!!!! SHOOT, I’LL TAKE OUT JANET! I’M STILL MAD AT THAT TRICK FOR CANCELLING HER TOUR DATE IN FT. LAUDERDALE!!”




Numbness


Reese [calls Toya]: “Toya…”

Toya [sniffling (she’s already at the “Depression” stage)]: “…yeah [sniff, sniff]”

Reese: “Toya…MJ is…dead…”

Toya: “Yeah, I know, I know…I called you…[sniff, sniff]”

Reese: “I was…taking a nap…”

Toya: “I’ve been crying since I heard.”

Reese: “Oh, man…this…how…this…”

Toya: “I know…[sniff, sniff]”

Reese: “You’re crying, but…I don’t feel anything…”

Toya: “It’ll hit you eventually [sniff, sniff]”

Reese: “No…I don’t know…maybe…”





Depression


CBS MJ Special


Ed Bradley: “Michael, is there anything that you would tell your fans, for those fans who have questions?”

Michael Jackson: “I would tell them, if they want to know me more to listen to the most autobiographical song I ever wrote…and that’s a song called “Childhood.”

[“Childhood” starts playing]

[“Before you judge me…Try hard to love me…”]


Michael Jackson: “And I would tell them that I love them very much. And that I never take any of their love for granted. Never.”

[“The painful youth, I’ve haaadddd…”]



Reese: …..


“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!”


[Ugh, yes, tears and that weird sorta hyperventilating thing you do when you’re really upset…yeah…I’m lame]




Depression


Sit tight folks, we’re going to be here all weekend. Yeah!



Friday, June 26, 2009.


Reese: “Oh…I’m too devastated to function.”

[Reese spends a whole day not functioning due to devastation]




Saturday, June 27, 2009.

8am

Reese: “….”




10am

Reese: “…meh…”



Noon

Reese: “…gjkdlsdksldjskfdlsls…”



2pm

Reese: “…brain…attempting…to…conjure…thought…”



2:01pm

Reese: “OW!”

“Ohhhh, my brain hurts…”




2:02pm

Reese: “Advil, Advil, Advil, Advil, Advil…”



2:30pm

Reese: “Sigh.”




2:31pm

Reese: “…meh…”



4:00pm

Reese: “Well…I guess I should do something…where’s the ice cream?”




Anger


4:01pm

Reese: “THERE’S NO ICE CREAM?!?!?!





Bargaining


4:02pm

Reese: “Dear, Lord. I’ll give you Joe Jackson and RAISE you 5 bucks if you give back MJ and make some Ben & Jerry’s instantly appear here.”


God: [silent]


Reese: “Really?”




Depression

4:03pm


Reese [crying]: “THERE’S NO ICE CREAM!!!!”




Regret


Sunday, June 28, 2009

11am


Reese: “Awww…No Doubt, check. Alanis Morissette, check. Teena Marie, check. Janet Jackson, check. But, I never got to check off MJ. I never got to see him live in concert.”

Maria [laughing]: “Oh, girl…like you would have ever gotten tickets to an MJ show.”





Anger


11:01am

Reese: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN I WOULD HAVE NEVER GOTTEN TICKETS?!? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!? I AM THE TICKETMASTER!! I GET TICKETS TO EVERYTHING!!!”

Maria: “Okay, okay, calm down…”

Reese: “NO YOU CALM DOWN!! DON’T INSULT MY TICKETMASTERY SKILLS!! THEY ARE SUPERB!!! WHO ELSE DO YOU KNOW GETS TICKETS TO THREE OLYMPICS AND FRONT-ROW SEATS TO NO DOUBT, JANET JACKSON, AND TEENA MARIE, HMMMMM??”

Maria: “Umm…no one…”

Reese: “THAT’S RIGHT!! PFSSHHH!! TELL ME I CAN’T GET MJ TICKETS…I CAN GET MJ TICKETS…”

Maria: [silent]

Reese [muttering under her breath]: “…can’t get MJ tickets…ME…seriously!...unbelievable…”

Maria: “Are you done now?”

Reese: “…yeah, I guess, so…”




11:10pm


Maria: “Seriously, what’s with all the anger?”

Reese: “I don’t know.”



Acceptance


8:00am

Reese: “Huh…the first week without any MJ ever again. Music sure is going to suck forever now.”


“Sigh. I guess I better get used to chart topping hits by such greats as Soldier Boy Tell ‘Em. Gah!”




Bargaining


8:01am

Reese: “Dear Lord, I’ll give you Soldier Boy Tell ‘Em in exchange for Mike. Please?!?”


God: [silent]


Reese: “Really?”


God: [silent]


Reese: “Sigh. Dang, that’s messed up. Really is gone for good, huh?”

God: [gives Reese a sympathetic nod]

Reese: “Dang.”







© Copyright 2009. All Rights Reserved.

The Trials and Tribulations of the Poor, Working Girl: Chapter 3

So, here's the latest trial of PWG.


Enjoy!


------------------------



In an ancient land far, far away there lived a poor, working girl. Her purpose: to take down the evil and vile Dragon and do away with its misery. But, in order to do this, she must endure many trials and tribulations. Will the poor, working girl accomplish her goal and save the ancient land from the Dragon’s enduring torture? We shall follow her and find out…

The Labyrinth

As Poor Working Girl (PWG) relishes in her recent victory over level 1 boss, Overzealous Security Guard, she is suddenly taken aback by a strange light and an equally strange voice.



???: “Don’t think you’re hot stuff. I have many bosses and many levels.”

PWG: “Who is that? The light is so bright…I can’t see…”

???: “Who is it?!? Uh, hello!?!?! It’s the Dragon, of course!”

PWG: “The Dragon!!!”

Dragon: “Yes, the Dragon. Didn’t I just say that?”

PWG: “Wow. Can’t believe I’m actually talking to the Dragon. This is kinda cool…”

Dragon: “Well, I imagine it is very cool for you. I mean, I am THE Dragon and… HEY! Quit that! You’re supposed to fear me!!”

PWG: “Fear you? You obviously don’t know who you’re dealing with do you? I’m Poor Working Girl! I fear no one…”


“Except for my creditors. Now, there’s a scary bunch, let me tell you…”



Dragon: “SILENCE! We will see what you’re made of! Take these magical forms to the Land of Travel Approval and we shall see how brave you really are!”

PWG: “Take some forms to the Land of Travel Approval?!? Are serious? Isn’t this a job for one your minions?”

Dragon: “NEWSFLASH: You are one of my minions! The Code of the Poor Working Girl is to infiltrate the Dragon’s organization from within. Duh!!!”

PWG: “Wait, wait, wait!”


“There’s a Code of the Poor Working Girl?”


Dragon: “Oh, this is just ridiculous! I mean, really! Who is your Ancient Asian Master? Hasn’t he taught you anything?”

PWG: “No, not really. I mainly just detail his car.”

Dragon: “Well, that sucks.”

PWG [rolling her eyes]: “Tell me about it!”

Dragon: “You know I kind of feel sorry for you, PWG- having a no good Ancient Asian Master and all. So, you know, I’m going to give you a hint on how to complete this trial.”

PWG: “Really? You know, I’m ‘bout it enough not to need any hints.”

Dragon: “Uhhh, hello? I’m doing you a favor. Do you want to wander aimlessly through the Land of Travel Approval or not?”

PWG: “Alright, what’s the hint?”

Dragon: “To get to the Land of Travel Approval, you must find the True Office Assistant.”

PWG: “The True Office Assistant? Who’s that?”

Dragon: “Well, it wouldn’t be a hint if I gave you the answer now would it?”

PWG: “I guess not…”

Dragon: “Find the True Office Assistant and you shall be well on your way to defeating me in a totally wicked cool, although not completely imagined in the head of our narrator, battle sequence!”

PWG: “AWESOME!”

Dragon: “Yeah, I know…”

PWG: “So, you think I can defeat you?”

Dragon: “No…no, I don’t.”

PWG: “Dang!”

Dragon: “But, I do like you kid. You’ve got moxey.”

PWG: “Thanx!”

Dragon: “Yeah, well, you’re welcome. But, don’t get too happy just yet. I doubt you’ll ever find the True Office Assistant. She’s really hidden down in the dumps. MU-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Get it? Down in the dumps?”

PWG: “No.”

Dragon: “You will. MU-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

PWG: “Are you done yet?”

Dragon: “Just one more- MU-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”

PWG: “Whatever.”



As Poor Working Girl turns to start her journey to the Land of Travel Approval, she realizes that this trial may be a bit more difficult than she initially realized. For in front of her are hundreds, if not thousands, of corridors. The path to the Land of Travel Approval is not a straight one. It is a dizzying maze...



A labyrinth.




Nice how I got the sub-title in there, huh?



PWG [communicating telepathically]: “Uhhh, Ancient Chinese Master, I could use some help. This labyrinth is pretty expansive. What should I do?”

Ancient Chinese Master (ACM): “Wait…I am meditating on the answer…”

PWG: “Okay.”

ACM: “SHHH!!! I’m meditating…”

PWG [whispering]: “…okay…”

ACM: “Yes! Yes! I’ve got it!!!”

PWG: “What is it?!? What should I do?!?!”

ACM: “Start…walking…”

PWG: “Yes…”

ACM: “That’s it. Start walking.”

PWG: “Start walking?”

ACM: “Yes.”

PWG: “Really?”

ACM: “Yes.”

PWG: “God, I hate you.”

ACM: “Hehehehe! It’s just so easy to mess with you!”



Well, having no other choice, Poor Working Girl starts walking through the labyrinth. She walks and walks through an endless maze of offices, cubicles, and obscenely bland meeting rooms. She keeps walking until she sees an open room emitting a strange, pulsating light.

Struck by curiosity, and also stupidity, Poor Working Girl goes inside the room. Immediately, she realizes what this place is.



PWG: “I know this place…”

Narrator: “Uh, yeah, I just said that.”

PWG: “Shut-up!!! You’re not supposed to be in a dialogue sequence! This is my show! Get to narrating!!!!”

Narrator: “God! You’re such a bi…”

PWG: “NARRATE!!!”

Narrator: “You know what? Just for your snappy attitude, I refuse to narrate until you apologize!”

PWG: “WHAT?!?!”

Narrator: “I’m on strike!”

PWG: “YOU CAN’T GO ON STRIKE!!! YOU CAN’T STOP A STORY IN THE MIDDLE OF A CHAPTER!!!”

Narrator: “Yeah, well, I’m tired and you are mean and so now I’m on strike!”

PWG: “I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS! MY STORY HAS BEEN ON HIATUS FOR MONTHS AND NOW, NOW, YOU CHOOSE TO GO ON STRIKE!!!”

Narrator: “APOLOGIZE!!!”

PWG: “NO!!!!”

Narrator [walking away]: “Fine. Then, I’m out. I got other stuff I gotta do anyways!”

PWG: “COME BACK HERE!!!”

Narrator [still walking]: “NO!”

PWG [screaming]: “FINISH MY STORY!!!!”

Narrator [getting into her car and driving away]: “LA-LA-LA-LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!”

PWG: “OH, THIS IS SOME [insert bad word]!!!!”



TO BE CONTINUED...



© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.