Excuses, Excuses

I know, I know "Where's part 2 of the Jem story? Where is it?!? Give it to us now!!"

Okay, but I went to Sarasota and I injured myself and I had to recover. And then I caught the lazy and then I got tired.

But, it's coming.

Like at least by Wednesday.

Seriously, I just finished writing it.

See, here's a piece...

The Misfits.

Their name strikes fear in the hearts of pop culture fame whores everywhere.

They were the rival group to Jem and the Holograms. They claimed their songs were better and that they were going to get her…her being, Jem.

The Misfits tried unsuccessfully to kill Jem on several occasions. And while they killed many innocent bystanders in their attempts to eliminate Jem, they were never successful of even putting a tiny scratch on Jem’s head.

We talked to two of the Misfits at Saint Mary’s Convent for Reformed Killers in Volterra, Italy…

[To Be Continued...]



And, that's all you get. Not to toot my own horn, but I think part 2 has exactly three laughs in it. Three whole laughs!



Yeah, I'm that good.



Alright, be on the lookout. It's coming this week (so is the 2009 Song of the Year post...who do you think should win? Seriously, who do you think because I haven't made up my mind yet?).



© Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms [Part 1]

Jem and the Holograms were excitement and adventure…

Jem: “It’s showtime, Synergy!”

Glamour and glitter. Fashion and fame…

Shana: “Oh my, gosh! I can’t believe the President is going to honor us for saving America AND we get brand new couture outfits from Karl Lagerfeld!”






But, behind the music, not everything was contagious and outrageous...





Aja: “…well what mental illness didn’t she have?”

Kimber: “…schizophrenia…multiple personality disorder…”

Rio: “…people don’t know, that was a scary time…”

Pizzazz: “…if I had known the mafia was involved, I would have thought twice…”

Roxy: “Well, who the hell is Raya?!?”

Shana: “…and then Synergy turned out to be a Cylon and we were like, ‘Whaaatt?!?’”



This is the true story of two sisters, two orphans, three mortal enemies, one stupid boyfriend, one psychotic entertainment lawyer, and a host of other people added in the third season that totally confused the viewers.



This is Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms




Our story starts in 1985. Then, sisters Jerrica and Kimber Benton and their adopted sisters, Aja Leith and Shana Elmsford, were reeling from the sudden loss of Jerrica and Kimber’s father, Emmett Benton.



Grieving and totally broke, the young girls did not know then what the future held for them…




Aja: “I thought we were going to have to start working the streets!”

Kimber: “Well, sure, Dad owned a music company and Starlight House. When he died, he left Jerrica with 50% of Starlight Music. The only thing was…”

Shana: “…the only thing was that Starlight Music didn’t have any musical acts! Before Jem and Holograms and the Misfits, there were no artists at Starlight! I mean, really! How can you own a music company that has no musical acts? What is that?!?”

Aja [clearly disgusted]: “And, any money “Daddy Benton” had…”

Shana [rolls eyes]: “Ha! “Daddy” Benton…”

Aja: “…went to his oh, so precious Synergy…”

Kimber [choked up]: “...or you know, to his…his…”

Aja: “It’s okay Kimber, people need to know the truth.”

Kimber [crying]: “…the money…much of it went to Daddy’s...”

“…habit…”


Shana: “White linesssss…”

Aja: “People are always so shocked by this revelation, but honestly. How else does a 40 year old man die in the 80’s?”




Devastated, confused, mystified, and contemplating prostitution, Jerrica was forced to turn to the only person she knew who could help the girls get back on their feet…



General Eric Raymond.


Eric Raymond, now an army general and warden at Guantanamo Bay, was an enterprising young attorney and music mogul in the mid 80’s.





Eric: “Yeah, Jerrica came to me looking for help and I gave her none!”

“My philosophy to the music business back then is what it is today: kill or be killed.”

“Now, some people will think that’s an extreme position to take, but I say those people are just a bunch of bleeding heart liberals who don’t know how to operate in a dangerous world!”


Random Guantanmo Prisoner [extremely frightened]: “Here…here’s y-y-your w-w-water, siirrrr…”

Eric: “What did you call me? Did you just call me, ‘sir,’”

Random Guantanamo Prisoner [scared to death]: “G-g-general! I mean, General!”

Eric: “Lieutenant! Take this peon to the home theater!”

Random Guantanamo Prisoner [kicking and screaming]: “NOOO!!! NOT THE HOME THEATER!!! PLEASE GENERAL, NOT THE HOME THEATER!!! I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE JEM AND MISFITS MUSIC VIDEOS!! I CAN’T TAKE IT!! I CAN’T TAKE ANOTHER JEM COMA!!!!!”

Eric: “Get him out of here!”


[VH1 camera crew looks on in stunned silence]


Eric [straightening his uniform]: “Yes, that’s right. We torture the prisoners with music from the Holograms and the Misfits. I mean, have you ever actually listened to their music? Their song composition of choice was two bridges and 15 choruses!”

“Seriously, it was bridge-chorus-bridge-chorus...and then, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus! How else do you get to say the words “truly outrageous” one thousand times in a song?!?”




With Eric Raymond being of no help to Jerrica, the young ingénue, with the tacky pink eye-shadow, took it upon herself to create a new pop-rock band which would be fronted by a newly discovered, young ingénue with tacky pink eye-shadow. No one knew where Jerrica found this completely random and unknown singer...

All anyone knew was that this new standout wore tacky pink eye-shadow and looked exactly like Jerrica Benton...







Jem was a mystery...???...???...???























Jem: “Ahem, excuse me, but I’m Jerrica.”




Twenty-five years later, we catch up with Jem- a patient at St. Elizabeth’s Mental Hospital in Washington, D.C.




Jem [voice raspy from years of smoking and crazy people screaming]: “Oh, those were [cough, hack, cough]…those were the days.”

VH1 Interviewer: “So, are you saying that you are Jerrica Benton, Jem?”

Jem: [stares into space with the crazy eyes]

VH1 Interviewer: “Jem?”

Jem: “I’M JERRICA!!!!”



Unable to get a straight answer out of Jem, we talked with the Holograms to get confirmation on this stunning new development.



VH1: “So, is it true? Is Jem actually Jerrica Benton?”

Aja [sighing]: “Yes, it’s true. Jem and Jerrica are one in the same.”

VH1: “Amazing! How did this come about?”

Aja: “Well, Jerrica, she’s crazy.”

VH1: “Mmmm-hmmmm…”

Aja: [silence]

VH1: “What else can you tell us?”

Aja: “That’s about it. Jerrica’s crazy…that’s…that’s it.”



With the sudden death of her father and the weight of all of Starlight House, Jerrica’s father’s orphanage for hot teenagers, on her shoulders, Jerrica Benton’s mind fractured under the pressure. Jerrica created a new persona; and that persona was Jem - a pink haired, chorus singing dynamo!

Needless to say, Jerrica’s sudden multiple personality disorder was not appreciated by all of the Holograms…



Shana: “Look, the way I felt was like, we all have problems, you know? Jerrica’s problems were no worse than mine. I mean, have you seen me?”






“I’m a literally a white girl painted black! Now that’s an identity crises!”



Kimber: “I had problems too! How would you like to write all of the choruses while someone else got all of the chorus glory? Everything was always Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!”

VH1: [silence]

Kimber: “I mean, Jan, Jan, Jan!”

VH1: “Nope, try again.”

Kimber: “I mean, Jem, Jem, Jem!”

VH1: “There you go.”


In need of help to deal with their various identity crises, the girls sought help from a likely source: their best friend, and sentient computer program, Synergy.


Today, Synergy is the chief executive officer of Cycle Basic Encoding Rules Dyna-analysis also referred to as Cyberdyne. Cyberdyne currently works with the U.S. military to improve the lives of all Americans!













Synergy [pointing a gun at the Interviewer’s head]: “Good human, now say “Cyberdyne is a name all humans should trust...and obey.”



Cyberdyne is a name all humans should trust and obey.



Synergy: “Good, now say…”


VH1 [interrupting]: “OH MY GOD SHE’LL KILL US ALL!! EVERYONE RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!”


[VH1 crew scatters!]


Synergy [sighing]: “Never trust a human to do a robot’s job!”


“Where’s Arnold? Will someone go get Arnold for me?!?”



When we come back, from hiding, and with Linda Hamilton to protect us, we’ll talk to Rio Panchenco- the purple haired heart throb who originated either from Italy or Brazil, depending on who you ask, and who was romantically involved with Jerrica Benton and Jem!


Rio: “Sure my philandering ways weren’t good for Jerrica’s mental health, but have you ever been with a girl who thinks she’s two people? Dude, it’s totally awesome!”



And, we’ll finally answer that age old question: were the Misfits really better or were they just homicidal maniacs?




Pizzazz: “Hey! If you had to deal with the three faces of Eve everyday you’d probably try to drive her and her Rockin’ Roadster off the side of a cliff too!”




Tune in later for part two of Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms



Also, if someone could find John Conner for us, we would really appreciate it.



Or even Neo…Neo would be good…



Please help! We want to live!

All text is © Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

Missing in Action

I haven't been around in months. I haven't written anything since my birthday. The only reason why I'm writing this post right now is because I can't take looking at that depressing MJ post sitting front and center on the front page.

This weekend, I'm trying to get back to my roots. I'm trying to reclaim the wit and sarcasm South Florida's bright sunny-sun-sun has stolen from me.

So, here's the introduction to what I hope will turn out to be something mildly entertaining.

I'm still working on it (it's several pages long already), hopefully I'll have something up by Sunday or Monday. We'll see.

Until then...I hope this puts a little bit of a smirk on your face.


---------------------------

Jem and the Holograms were excitement and adventure…

Jem: “It’s showtime, Synergy!”

Glamour and glitter. Fashion and fame…

Shana: “Oh my, gosh! I can’t believe the President is going to honor us for saving America AND we get brand new couture outfits from Karl Lagerfeld!”

But, behind the music, not everything was contagious and outrageous…

Aja: “…well what mental illness didn’t she have?”

Kimber: “…schizophrenia…multiple personality disorder…”

Rio: “…people don’t know, that was a scary time…”

Pizzazz: “…if I had known the mafia was involved, I would have thought twice…”

Roxy: “Well, who the hell is Raya?!?”

Shana: “…and then Synergy turned out to be a Cylon and we were like, ‘Whaaatt?!?’”

This is the true story of two sisters, two orphans, three mortal enemies, one stupid boyfriend, one psychotic entertainment lawyer, and a host of other people added in the third season that totally confused the viewers.

This is...

Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms

(c) Copyright 2009. All Rights Reserved.

A Solemn Day

Today is my birthday.

I got a Coach bag from my friend Egypt. My Judge took me out to lunch. My friends called to tell me I was old.

And then I watched the Greatest Artist of All Time, Michael Jackson, be put to rest.

Sigh. Everyone always dies or has a funeral on freakin' July 7th.

But, that's okay. Life and death...It's just human nature.




R.I.P. MJ

Human Nature

Disclaimer: This is a tribute post. If you are a Negative Betty, please leave. No Negative Betty's! Thank you.



So, I guess Michael Jackson is the only person who could get me out of my three month writer’s block. Amazing.


I am a MJ fan. I always have been and I always will be. I never believed any of the allegations hurled against him. In fact, I always felt so badly for Mike because I believed that he was stuck in emotional development hell. He only ever had about five years of normalcy before being thrust into the sweat shop that was the Jackson 5. He spent his whole life in front of the world and no one cared enough about him as a person to guide him into becoming a fully functioning adult.


I genuinely felt pity for the man. And, I honestly felt like the scorn he received was like kicking a disabled person who was already lying helpless on the ground. Just not my scene and not how I operate.


So, yeah, when MJ died I thought to myself, “Self! You gotta write something! This huge! This is MJ! The only artist on your list of Artists You Must See Live, that you never got to see live…so write something!”


And, then, like everything else that’s worth writing about on this blog, nothing was written. Nothing flowed from my brain to my fingers to Vicky5 (or is it Vicky4…I’ve lost count of my Vicky’s). Literally, I went to write an MJ tribute and my brain farted loudly (which, by the way, is not pleasant at all) and made me go listen to “Human Nature” on my Creative Zen instead.


So, here it is, four days after Michael died. All his tributes have been written, and I got nothing on my blog, but an open letter to my ex-boyfriend. It’s like, really, what happened to my talent? Why can’t I write anything, anymore?


And then, this morning, on my way to pick up breakfast at the Sky Grille in my office, a random thought popped into my head:


“Huh…the first week without any MJ ever again. Music sure is going to suck forever now.”


Now, sure that seems like a totally innocuous statement. But, when I thought about all the other things I said and emotions I felt over the last few days, I realized that I had completed my Kubler-Ross-MJ Stages of Grief. What’s more is that I could even write about my Kubler-Ross-MJ Stages of Grief on my blog (now with more cynicism, sarcasm, and self-deprecation). Finally, I have something I can write about!


So I present to you (the negative 2 of you who still read this blog), Reese’s Kubler-Ross-MJ Stages of Grief.


Denial


Thursday, June 25, 2009. 7:30pm


Reese: “Yawn! That was a good nap. Time for So You Think You Can Dance!”

“What’s this? 18 messages! Geesh, who died? [Reese states this with sarcasm that today she feels total and complete guilt for]”


TEXT Message from Egypt: “OMG, rumor that Michael Jackson had a heart attk!”

Reese [more cynicism]: “Yeah, right…”


TEXT Message from Egypt: “OMG, rumor that Michael Jackson in a coma!!”

Reese: “Whatever!”


TEXT Message from Egypt: “OMG! Rumor that Michael Jackson just died!!!
Jdksaljdsfkldsjdljdskljdsljdsl!!!111!!!!11111One!”

Reese: “Egypt is so gullible.”


TEXT Message from Egypt: “They just announced he’s dead…Channel 4 news.”

Reese: [silent]



TEXT Message from Egypt: “MJ Special on abc 2nite @ 9”

Reese [small voice]: …no way…





Anger


TEXT Message from Egypt (she sent this message twice): “MJ Special on abc 2nite @ 9”


Reese: …………



“SON OF A BITCH!!!!”





Bargaining (exactly 1 second after anger)



Reese: “NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!! DEAR LORD CAN’T YOU TAKE JOE JACKSON INSTEAD?!?!?”

“SERIOUSLY, I’LL GO GET HIM FOR YOU!!! IF YOU WANT ME TOO, I TOTALLY WILL!!!! SHOOT, I’LL TAKE OUT JANET! I’M STILL MAD AT THAT TRICK FOR CANCELLING HER TOUR DATE IN FT. LAUDERDALE!!”




Numbness


Reese [calls Toya]: “Toya…”

Toya [sniffling (she’s already at the “Depression” stage)]: “…yeah [sniff, sniff]”

Reese: “Toya…MJ is…dead…”

Toya: “Yeah, I know, I know…I called you…[sniff, sniff]”

Reese: “I was…taking a nap…”

Toya: “I’ve been crying since I heard.”

Reese: “Oh, man…this…how…this…”

Toya: “I know…[sniff, sniff]”

Reese: “You’re crying, but…I don’t feel anything…”

Toya: “It’ll hit you eventually [sniff, sniff]”

Reese: “No…I don’t know…maybe…”





Depression


CBS MJ Special


Ed Bradley: “Michael, is there anything that you would tell your fans, for those fans who have questions?”

Michael Jackson: “I would tell them, if they want to know me more to listen to the most autobiographical song I ever wrote…and that’s a song called “Childhood.”

[“Childhood” starts playing]

[“Before you judge me…Try hard to love me…”]


Michael Jackson: “And I would tell them that I love them very much. And that I never take any of their love for granted. Never.”

[“The painful youth, I’ve haaadddd…”]



Reese: …..


“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!”


[Ugh, yes, tears and that weird sorta hyperventilating thing you do when you’re really upset…yeah…I’m lame]




Depression


Sit tight folks, we’re going to be here all weekend. Yeah!



Friday, June 26, 2009.


Reese: “Oh…I’m too devastated to function.”

[Reese spends a whole day not functioning due to devastation]




Saturday, June 27, 2009.

8am

Reese: “….”




10am

Reese: “…meh…”



Noon

Reese: “…gjkdlsdksldjskfdlsls…”



2pm

Reese: “…brain…attempting…to…conjure…thought…”



2:01pm

Reese: “OW!”

“Ohhhh, my brain hurts…”




2:02pm

Reese: “Advil, Advil, Advil, Advil, Advil…”



2:30pm

Reese: “Sigh.”




2:31pm

Reese: “…meh…”



4:00pm

Reese: “Well…I guess I should do something…where’s the ice cream?”




Anger


4:01pm

Reese: “THERE’S NO ICE CREAM?!?!?!





Bargaining


4:02pm

Reese: “Dear, Lord. I’ll give you Joe Jackson and RAISE you 5 bucks if you give back MJ and make some Ben & Jerry’s instantly appear here.”


God: [silent]


Reese: “Really?”




Depression

4:03pm


Reese [crying]: “THERE’S NO ICE CREAM!!!!”




Regret


Sunday, June 28, 2009

11am


Reese: “Awww…No Doubt, check. Alanis Morissette, check. Teena Marie, check. Janet Jackson, check. But, I never got to check off MJ. I never got to see him live in concert.”

Maria [laughing]: “Oh, girl…like you would have ever gotten tickets to an MJ show.”





Anger


11:01am

Reese: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN I WOULD HAVE NEVER GOTTEN TICKETS?!? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!? I AM THE TICKETMASTER!! I GET TICKETS TO EVERYTHING!!!”

Maria: “Okay, okay, calm down…”

Reese: “NO YOU CALM DOWN!! DON’T INSULT MY TICKETMASTERY SKILLS!! THEY ARE SUPERB!!! WHO ELSE DO YOU KNOW GETS TICKETS TO THREE OLYMPICS AND FRONT-ROW SEATS TO NO DOUBT, JANET JACKSON, AND TEENA MARIE, HMMMMM??”

Maria: “Umm…no one…”

Reese: “THAT’S RIGHT!! PFSSHHH!! TELL ME I CAN’T GET MJ TICKETS…I CAN GET MJ TICKETS…”

Maria: [silent]

Reese [muttering under her breath]: “…can’t get MJ tickets…ME…seriously!...unbelievable…”

Maria: “Are you done now?”

Reese: “…yeah, I guess, so…”




11:10pm


Maria: “Seriously, what’s with all the anger?”

Reese: “I don’t know.”



Acceptance


8:00am

Reese: “Huh…the first week without any MJ ever again. Music sure is going to suck forever now.”


“Sigh. I guess I better get used to chart topping hits by such greats as Soldier Boy Tell ‘Em. Gah!”




Bargaining


8:01am

Reese: “Dear Lord, I’ll give you Soldier Boy Tell ‘Em in exchange for Mike. Please?!?”


God: [silent]


Reese: “Really?”


God: [silent]


Reese: “Sigh. Dang, that’s messed up. Really is gone for good, huh?”

God: [gives Reese a sympathetic nod]

Reese: “Dang.”







© Copyright 2009. All Rights Reserved.

One Year Older/Crushes Back in the Day

So, today is the date of my birth…



[Reese waits for cheering and round of applause]





[Reese continues to wait]





[Reese stops waiting realizing that all of her internet friends suck]





As with every year on this day, I like to reflect on the past year and see what kind of stuff I did. Well, I have to say this was a pretty good Year of the 30. I mean, I turned 30 last year and didn’t lose my mind. I bought a new car and failed to complete the blog story on it like I said I was, I saw the Spice Girls in concert, saved for my trip to China, found a new place to live, and some other junk. It was a pretty standard year, but an alright one nonetheless.

Anyways, I was thinking about some other stuff I could write about today. When I got bored doing that I started thinking about hot boys. FYI, I almost always start daydreaming about hot boys whenever I’m bored.

Yeah, so I was thinking about the waiter at the Brickell P.F. Chang's who looks like a Latino Orlando Bloom (HOTTTT!!! I’m going to kidnap him, I swear it!!). And then I started thinking about how I’m going to make Daniel Henney fall in love with me at the Beijing Olympics (Yeah, Korean Hott!!!). But, then I slowly started getting back to writing this post and thought, “What about a July 7th post on my crushes from back in the day?” “Yes,” I thought, “this is going to be fun.”

Well, it was. For some of my crushes I realized that young Reese had good taste; but, for other guys I realized that young Reese was an idiot.

So, anyways, I now present to you…



Crushes…





I Had…







Back in the Day…







Ralph Machio





Awwww….he’s so cuuuttteee. He’s the cutest little Karate Kid evah!! Awww!

No seriously, I loved me some Ralph Machio back in the day. Seriously, he’s like the #1 crush from back in the day. No one could ever top Daniel-son.

Really, if I had lived in LA during the 80’s I’m pretty sure I would have spent my young childhood stalking Ralph Machio.

I just had way too much love for him back in the day.







Taimak



Oh, yeah!


Oh, yeah!!


This man was fine!


Sho’nuff!!!





But, really, what’s with the karate guys topping this list? Maybe I just like the heroes?


BTW, have you seen Taimak recently?



For the ladies…








Christopher Reeves



Yeah, I did have a hero thing going on. I think I totally bought that Knight in Shining Armor theme.

I was such a girl.


So tragic about Christopher Reeves. But, alas, we do have his great hotness to reflect on today.











Hans Solo

Because I was not feeling Indiana Jones, but I was totally feeling Hans Solo.

Harrison Ford didn’t exist in my world.














Rick Schroder



Okay, seriously, I was like six.


SIX!!


Give me a break.












El Debarge




Holy cow, I really don’t have any words to explain this. Maybe it was his voice? Or that he was on television? Geez louise, I don’t get it now. I wish I could go back in time and figure out what the heck I was sniffing.












Al B. Sure





Aaa…ahhh…ahhh...Al..B. Sure.


You gotta love a guy who can “rock” a unibrow, right?

Right?








Johnny Depp




So, this was the closest thing to a “bad boy” that goody-two shoes Reese could crush on. Yeah, he was a cutie though. I just knew I could change him.


When I was searching for an old Johnny Depp picture, I found this 21 Jump Street PSA on Youtube.




1-800-COCAINE!!


Really, ya'll know you need the help.












Richard Greico


Bastardized, Johnny Depp replacement. But, his tail was HOTT, so I loved him anyways!!














Alright, so those are my crushes from back in the day. Looking back, I’m kind of surprised how the 80’s weren’t really “the brother’s” decade. But, to be fair, the brother’s totally owned the 90’s (read: PWND!!). Moriss Chestnut, Shemar Moore, DENZEL, Taye Diggs, Blair Underwood, Isaiah Washington, Hill Harper, Tyson!


Whooo!! I need to make a 90’s list now for sure!



Hehehehe, alright, alright. In conclusion I’d just like to thank God that I have another year to try and do something useful with my life.



And also I want to thank God for the hot boys he created for me to gawk at.



Eye candy is really one of the best creations ever!!




© 2008. All Rights Reserved.

The Best Song/Video Ever Created!!

The awesomely, awesome Michelle Collins of Best Week Ever posted the old 80’s music video (remember those?) for “The Rain” by Oran “Juice” Jones yesterday. The song is about a guy who catches his girlfriend cheating on him in the rain or something or other. Anyways, it doesn’t really matter what the song is about. What matters is the awesome video and the awesome lyrics that make this musical experience totally awesome! (yes, I am in full 80’s lingo mode)

As many of the BWE readers pointed out in the comments section, there’s so much greatness tied to this musical experience that you don’t even know where to start. Well, because I’m bored at work, and because I love “The Rain” so much, I decided to meticulously list, one by one, everything that makes this song and video truly outrageous! I encourage you to adopt any and all quotes as your new e-mail siggies!






Things that Make “The Rain” Gag Me with a Spoon, Delicious!


1. Pleather, rain slicked, coats

2. Oran “Juice” Jones = Poor Man’s Eddie Murphy Look-a-like

3. Uncoordinated butlers lip synching in front of a liquor store

4. “And him… And him…”

5. Dancing in the middle of the street, in the middle of nowhere in a silver, Miami Vice suit

6. Silver, Miami Vice suits

7. Stalker-like tendencies

8. Cheating women completely unaware that they’re being followed by their boyfriend even when their boyfriend is standing right next to them.

9. “And him… And him…”

10. Floating hands somehow breaking through the dimensional, space time-continuum.

11. “Close your mouth ‘cause you’re cold busted!”

12. “My first impulse was to run up on you-do a Rambo. I was about to jam you and flat bust both of you!”

13. “I didn’t want to mess up this thirty-seven hundred dollar lynx coat!”

14. Unbuttoning your cuffs in preparation of bitch slapping your girl…

15. ...and the unfulfilled pleasure of never getting to that point.

16. Instantly turning your ex into a 13 year old runaway/prostitute/crackhead

17. “I gave you things you couldn’t even pronounce!”

18. Blue, bubble letter, alphabet wall paper

19. “You gotta get on outta here with that alley-cat-coat-wearing...

20. ...punch-bucket-shoe-wearing...

21. ...crumbcake I saw you with. Cause you dismissed!"

22. "That's right, silly rabbit, tricks are made for kids, don't you know that."

23. "You without me is like corn flakes without the milk! This is my world."

24. "You're just a squirrel trying to get a nut! Now get on outta here. Scat!"

25. "Don't touch that coat!”

Sheena Easton: My Hero

I cannot describe to you the amount with which I loved Sheena Easton as a little girl.


I LOVED Sheena Easton!


I mean, everything about Sheena Easton was wonderful to me in the first decade of my life. Her songs were wonderful, her clothes were wonderful, her friends were wonderful (hello- Prince?), and her crazy stare into the camera was wonderful. Everything about Sheena Easton was awesome. And even though I would always get her confused with Sheila E., I always knew that when I grew up I was going to be just like Sheena Easton (and also Janet Jackson, Teena Marie, and Wonder Woman). I mean I literally remember watching the above video for “The Lover in Me” and thinking, “Oh my gawd! I can’t wait until I grow up and get to wear a black mini-dress like Sheena!”


Really, I was such a ho as a kid.


Still wouldn’t mind looking like Sheena today though.


I’m just saying…