An Open Letter to March Madness

Dear March Madness,




I hate you.




I hate you and we’re breaking up forever.


Why are we breaking up, you ask? Well, simply put, you have been a horrible boyfriend to me over the years and I just can’t take your passive aggressive nature anymore.

Every year you totally screw me over! Oh, yeah, you’re great at wooing me with empty promises of adventure and excitement. But, every year, without fail, except for when Maryland won the National Championship, you break my heart. And, I’ve decided that I’ve had enough.

I’ve had enough of listening to sports announcers praise the “intelligent” and “respectful” play of Duke while the same Duke players kick their opposition in the balls and step on their stomachs without getting called for flagrant fouls (see Christian “I Hate that Bastard” Laetner).

I’ve had enough of you making me fall in love with cute, charismatic freshmen who go on to make national championship crushing time-outs. I’ve had enough of teams who you PROMISE are going to win the big dance, but instead get kicked out of the dance during the Sweet Sixteen or the Elite Eight.

I stuck with you through all those years when you became enamored with those stupid sideline ho’s mid-majors who never did nothing for nobody. You know I don’t care who wins between Butler and Southern Illinois! What the hell is a Saluki anyways?!?

Yeah, yeah, so you have given me little leaps for joy over the years. You made Dookies cry sometimes and you banned mid-majors from the tournament this year; but, so what? What does it matter when you’re irresponsible and inconsiderate behavior can’t even get me to win my own tournament challenge?!?


If you really cared, you’d stand beside me and not let the Canadians kick me in the butt every, single, stinking year in the SD Bracket Challenge! But, nooooo!!! You just abuse me emotionally every year! You tell me you love me, but you really don’t. You don’t love me! You only love yourself!!


So, I’ve had it! I mean it this time! I’m not coming back to you.

Don’t call me asking me if I want to go to the Final Four next year (YES, I WANT TO GO!!!). Don’t come around next March promising me that Pitt is, YET AGAIN, the sure fire way to the SD Bracket Challenge Championship.


Forget my phone number.


Forget where I live.


If you come knocking, I will NOT turn on CBS and let you in.



No more! We are done!


We are SO DONE!


WE ARE FINISHED!!!



Sincerely,


Reese the Law Girl


PS: Call me…you know, if you just want to be friends…we can still hang out sometimes…you know, if you want…


[Reese whispers] I love you. xoxo


Reese + March Madness = Love Forever!

One Year Older/Crushes Back in the Day

So, today is the date of my birth…



[Reese waits for cheering and round of applause]





[Reese continues to wait]





[Reese stops waiting realizing that all of her internet friends suck]





As with every year on this day, I like to reflect on the past year and see what kind of stuff I did. Well, I have to say this was a pretty good Year of the 30. I mean, I turned 30 last year and didn’t lose my mind. I bought a new car and failed to complete the blog story on it like I said I was, I saw the Spice Girls in concert, saved for my trip to China, found a new place to live, and some other junk. It was a pretty standard year, but an alright one nonetheless.

Anyways, I was thinking about some other stuff I could write about today. When I got bored doing that I started thinking about hot boys. FYI, I almost always start daydreaming about hot boys whenever I’m bored.

Yeah, so I was thinking about the waiter at the Brickell P.F. Chang's who looks like a Latino Orlando Bloom (HOTTTT!!! I’m going to kidnap him, I swear it!!). And then I started thinking about how I’m going to make Daniel Henney fall in love with me at the Beijing Olympics (Yeah, Korean Hott!!!). But, then I slowly started getting back to writing this post and thought, “What about a July 7th post on my crushes from back in the day?” “Yes,” I thought, “this is going to be fun.”

Well, it was. For some of my crushes I realized that young Reese had good taste; but, for other guys I realized that young Reese was an idiot.

So, anyways, I now present to you…



Crushes…





I Had…







Back in the Day…







Ralph Machio





Awwww….he’s so cuuuttteee. He’s the cutest little Karate Kid evah!! Awww!

No seriously, I loved me some Ralph Machio back in the day. Seriously, he’s like the #1 crush from back in the day. No one could ever top Daniel-son.

Really, if I had lived in LA during the 80’s I’m pretty sure I would have spent my young childhood stalking Ralph Machio.

I just had way too much love for him back in the day.







Taimak



Oh, yeah!


Oh, yeah!!


This man was fine!


Sho’nuff!!!





But, really, what’s with the karate guys topping this list? Maybe I just like the heroes?


BTW, have you seen Taimak recently?



For the ladies…








Christopher Reeves



Yeah, I did have a hero thing going on. I think I totally bought that Knight in Shining Armor theme.

I was such a girl.


So tragic about Christopher Reeves. But, alas, we do have his great hotness to reflect on today.











Hans Solo

Because I was not feeling Indiana Jones, but I was totally feeling Hans Solo.

Harrison Ford didn’t exist in my world.














Rick Schroder



Okay, seriously, I was like six.


SIX!!


Give me a break.












El Debarge




Holy cow, I really don’t have any words to explain this. Maybe it was his voice? Or that he was on television? Geez louise, I don’t get it now. I wish I could go back in time and figure out what the heck I was sniffing.












Al B. Sure





Aaa…ahhh…ahhh...Al..B. Sure.


You gotta love a guy who can “rock” a unibrow, right?

Right?








Johnny Depp




So, this was the closest thing to a “bad boy” that goody-two shoes Reese could crush on. Yeah, he was a cutie though. I just knew I could change him.


When I was searching for an old Johnny Depp picture, I found this 21 Jump Street PSA on Youtube.




1-800-COCAINE!!


Really, ya'll know you need the help.












Richard Greico


Bastardized, Johnny Depp replacement. But, his tail was HOTT, so I loved him anyways!!














Alright, so those are my crushes from back in the day. Looking back, I’m kind of surprised how the 80’s weren’t really “the brother’s” decade. But, to be fair, the brother’s totally owned the 90’s (read: PWND!!). Moriss Chestnut, Shemar Moore, DENZEL, Taye Diggs, Blair Underwood, Isaiah Washington, Hill Harper, Tyson!


Whooo!! I need to make a 90’s list now for sure!



Hehehehe, alright, alright. In conclusion I’d just like to thank God that I have another year to try and do something useful with my life.



And also I want to thank God for the hot boys he created for me to gawk at.



Eye candy is really one of the best creations ever!!




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