The Great Sock Debate

For those of you who are not fluent in twin speak, I have translated the above video for you. I suggest you first watch the video and then read the translation so you can truly understand the importance of this groundbreaking look into the mind of babies.

Because we only know the twins as “R” and “S,” I’m dubbing the baby with two socks as “R” and the baby with one sock as “S.” I don’t know if these are the babies’ true identities. Just go with me on this…

R: “Hey, dude. You know you only have one sock on?”

S: “Yeah, man, it looks cool, right?”

R: “Well, actually, you look crazy. Like, really crazy.”

S: “Heh, man, you’re so dramatic.”

R: “No really, it’s not right to wear just one sock.”

S: “Dude, stop busting my balls, seriously. With one sock on I’m guaranteed to keep at least one foot nice and cool.”

R: “But, you’re susceptible to hidden dangers when you walk around bare foot!”

S [laughing]: “Hidden dangers?!? Like what?!?”

R: “Like splinters!”

S [laughing]: “Dude, this floor is laminate.”

R [looking down]: “Oh, so it is. But, still, it’s not a good look.”

S: “Nah, man. I’m cool. Just leave me alone.”

R: “But, dude, I’m telling you, you look crazy.”

S [laughing]: “Wow. You are such a drama queen.”

R [waving indiscriminately]: “I’m not a drama queen!”

S: “Yeah, you are.”

R: “No, I’m not!”

S: “Okay, you’re not.”

R: “Thank you.”

S [laughing]: “Sike! You’re a drama queen.”

R: “Okay, fine, but you know what? That’s why you have to hang on to the fridge to stand. Because you only have one sock on!”

S [laughing]: “What?!? Dude, that doesn’t even make any sense.”

R: “Okay, you know what. Enough! You need to just listen to me. You know what? Let’s ask mom.”

“Mom, shouldn’t ‘S’ have both socks on?”

[silence]

“Oh, wait, I forgot you can’t understand a word I’m saying.”

“Listen guy, just go find your other sock and put it on.”

S: “No.”

R [exasperated]: “Sometimes, I really just can’t even deal with you!”

S: “And they say I’m the crazy weird one! You’re nuts, dude.”

R: “You know what, don’t come crying to me when you’ve hit rock bottom. Do you know what it looks like to hit rock bottom? You’re way down here when you hit rock bottom.” [R illustrates what rock bottom looks like]

S: “Nah, dude you know what, I’m cool. I’m straight. I’m just going to hang out by the fridge over here.”

R: “Listen to what I’m trying to tell you!”

S: “I don’t want to listen!”

R: “I’m trying to save you from rock bottom!”

S: [looks at brother like he’s a lunatic]

The End.

And thus ends The Great Sock Debate of 2011. I would like to thank “R” and “S” for getting me out of my nearly year long writing drought. For the record, I must say, I’m totally Team S on this one.

© 2011. All Rights Reserved.

July 7, 2010: The Day the Funny Died

And now, a special report from Something Different News. And here’s our ace reporter, Karma.


Karma: “Good evening, America…and…places that are not America. Tonight, we recognize the talent and laziness that is the owner and creator of Something Different, Reese the Lawgirl.”

“Reese, good evening. It’s good to see you.”


Reese: “Ahh, thanks Karma. It’s…it’s good to be here. Good to be back.”

Karma: “So then, you are back now, Reese?”

Reese: “No, absolutely not.”

Karma: “Mmm-hmmm, interesting. Please explain.”

Reese: “Well, Karma, as you know today is my birthday.”

Karma: “Yes, a glorious day indeed.”

Reese: “Yes, yes, well, I am 33 years old Karma…”

Karma: “33?”

Reese: “Yes.”

Karma: “Really?”

Reese: “Yes. Uhh…you should know this. I mean, you are Karma.”

Karma: “Well, I just thought, you know…see a little crows feet there…thought maybe you were a bit older...”

Reese: “Ohhh, hahahaha…I hate you, Karma.”

Karma: “Oh, I’m just kidding with you girl. You don’t look a day over 33.”

Reese: “Ha! I really hate you.”

Karma: “Alright, alright. As you were saying...”

Reese: “Yes, well, I’m getting older…”

Karma: “Mmmm-hmmm, we can see that…”

Reese [interrupts]: “ANNNDDD, I feel as if things have changed for me. I started this blog when I was 28. At the time, I had so many dreams. I was unemployed and over educated. The world was my clam…”

Karma: “Ummm…”

Reese: “And I could do anything with that clam. And I did. I wrote blogs about stupid celebrities, and bad relationships, and poor working girls, and tales from the childhood, and hot boy fantasies. But, the thing is, you grow up. And you change. And you’ve written everything you wanted to write about until you just don’t have anything left. And, when that happens, well, it’s time to move on.”

Karma: “Hmmm…”

Reese: “Yes, I know. It’s all very deep…”

Karma: “Not really…”

Reese [ignoring Karma]: “What can I say? I’m a very thought provoking individual. And, I think now it’s really time to bid adieu. I really have nothing more to say.”

“Yes, I think that today, July 7, 2010, is a fitting end to Something Different.”

Karma: “Reese…”

Reese: “Yes?”

Karma: “Cut the crap.”

Reese: “Whaaaaaaatttt??”

Karma: “You are not out of ideas. You are not too old to keep writing. The truth is, number 1, you are lazy…”

Reese: “Ehhhh….”

Karma: “And, number 2, you let the state of Florida suck all of the life out of you. I mean, really? You’re going to allow Florida to destroy you, really? Florida? FLORIDA?!?”

Reese: “But, but, but…”

Karma: “Yes, there’s a ton of sunshine. And, sure the people here don’t understand sarcasm. And, yeah, yeah, it’s no fun making fun of simple people instead of pretentious wannabe power players. But, you can’t let that stop you!”

“You need to reclaim your funny!”


Reese: “How…how do I do that?”


Karma: “Well, first, how about you actually commit to finishing that Poor Working Girl story?”

Reese: “Yes…commit…”

Karma: “That’s right. Commit to the story. Make a writing schedule. Promise to write something substantive at least once a week.”

Reese: “Yes! Schedule! Weekly writing!”

Karma: “You can do this, Reese! I’m rooting for you. We’re all rooting for you!!”

Reese: “I…I CAN DO THIS!!”

Karma: “Now go!! Go be that awesome Lawgirl we’ve come to love!”

Reese: “YES!! BE AWESOME!!”

Karma: “BE AWESOME!!”

Reese: “AWESOME!!”

Karma: “AWESOME!!!!”


[silence]


[silence]


[silence]


Reese: “Can…can I start being awesome tomorrow because I’m kind of hungry, right now…”

Karma: [silence]

Reese: “Actually, maybe I can start next week because this week I’m going on vacation…”

Karma: “Hrrumpphh…”

Reese: “Well, this summer is actually really busy. I’m saying though, in September I will totally be ready to be awesome…”

Karma: “You know what, Reese? Just forget it. How about that? Forget it.”

Reese: “Hey, now don’t be like that Karma…”

Karma [takes off her mic]: “No, no. I’m so done with you…I’m leaving…”

Reese: “Ahh, Karma, come on! I’m not saying I’m never going to be awesome. Just, you know, later…”

[Karma walks away]

Reese [yells at Karma]: “I MEAN SOONER RATHER THAN LATER….”

[Karma has left the building]

Reese: “Geesh, so emotional. What’s her deal?”


[silence]


[silence]


[silence]



Reese: “Well, goodnight folks! Have a pleasant today and a happy tomorrow!”




The End

?????

© Copyright 2010. All Rights Reserved.

Songs of 2009

I'm going to make this short and sweet.




Song of the Year for 2009...




...taking over the crown held last year from Alanis Morissette's Citizen of the Planet...

...SONG OF THE YEAR IS....

"This is It" by Michael Jackson

Look people, I could have picked "G4L" by Rihanna, "Heard 'Em All" by Amerie, "Starlight" by Muse, or any five songs off of Kid Cudi's CD, but this is Michael Jackson. He made Thriller!


Anyways, CD of the Year I'm totally conflicted on. So, here are the FOUR CD's of the Year. You can pick the one which best represents you:

Amerie's In Love & War

Kid Cudi's Man on the Moon: The End of the Day

Rihanna's Rated R

&

Muse's Black Holes and Revelations

Yeah for variety!

Anyways, here's the rest of the best....

-------------------------------

“3” Britney Spears

“Bad Romance” Lady Gaga

"Boom Boom Pow" Black Eyed Peas

"Break up" Mario f/t Gucci Mane and Sean Garrett

"Calle Ocho" Pitbull

“Cudi Zone” Kid Cudi

"Day 'N' Nite" Kid Cudi

"Diva" Beyonce

"Eat You Up" BoA

“Empire State of Mind” Jay-Z f/t Alicia Keys

"Energetic" BoA

“G4L” Rihanna

"Gee" Girls' Generation

“Hard” Rihanna

“Heard ‘Em All” Amerie

“Higher” Amerie

"I Hate This Part" The Pussycat Dolls

“Knights of Cydonia” Muse

"Krazy" Pitbull

"Let it Rock" Kevin Rudolf f/t Lil' Wayne

“Let the Beat Rock (Boys Noize Megamix)" Black Eyed Peas f/t Gucci Mane

"Love Game" Lady Gaga

"Pretty Wings" Maxwell

“Pursuit of Happiness” Kid Cudi

“Red Eye” Amerie

"She Wolf" Shakira

“Soldier’s Poem” Muse

"Stand and Deliver" No Doubt

“Starlight” Muse

"Swagga Like Us" Kanye West, Jay-Z, T.I., Lil' Wayne

“Telephone” Lady Gaga f/t Beyonce

"The God in Me" Mary Mary

"The Great Divide" Emmy Rossum

“The Flowers” Amerie

“Under the Milky Way” Sia

“Video Phone” Beyonce f/t Lady Gaga

“Wait Your Turn” Rihanna

"Waking Up in Vegas" Katy Perry

Excuses, Excuses

I know, I know "Where's part 2 of the Jem story? Where is it?!? Give it to us now!!"

Okay, but I went to Sarasota and I injured myself and I had to recover. And then I caught the lazy and then I got tired.

But, it's coming.

Like at least by Wednesday.

Seriously, I just finished writing it.

See, here's a piece...

The Misfits.

Their name strikes fear in the hearts of pop culture fame whores everywhere.

They were the rival group to Jem and the Holograms. They claimed their songs were better and that they were going to get her…her being, Jem.

The Misfits tried unsuccessfully to kill Jem on several occasions. And while they killed many innocent bystanders in their attempts to eliminate Jem, they were never successful of even putting a tiny scratch on Jem’s head.

We talked to two of the Misfits at Saint Mary’s Convent for Reformed Killers in Volterra, Italy…

[To Be Continued...]



And, that's all you get. Not to toot my own horn, but I think part 2 has exactly three laughs in it. Three whole laughs!



Yeah, I'm that good.



Alright, be on the lookout. It's coming this week (so is the 2009 Song of the Year post...who do you think should win? Seriously, who do you think because I haven't made up my mind yet?).



© Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

Missing in Action

I haven't been around in months. I haven't written anything since my birthday. The only reason why I'm writing this post right now is because I can't take looking at that depressing MJ post sitting front and center on the front page.

This weekend, I'm trying to get back to my roots. I'm trying to reclaim the wit and sarcasm South Florida's bright sunny-sun-sun has stolen from me.

So, here's the introduction to what I hope will turn out to be something mildly entertaining.

I'm still working on it (it's several pages long already), hopefully I'll have something up by Sunday or Monday. We'll see.

Until then...I hope this puts a little bit of a smirk on your face.


---------------------------

Jem and the Holograms were excitement and adventure…

Jem: “It’s showtime, Synergy!”

Glamour and glitter. Fashion and fame…

Shana: “Oh my, gosh! I can’t believe the President is going to honor us for saving America AND we get brand new couture outfits from Karl Lagerfeld!”

But, behind the music, not everything was contagious and outrageous…

Aja: “…well what mental illness didn’t she have?”

Kimber: “…schizophrenia…multiple personality disorder…”

Rio: “…people don’t know, that was a scary time…”

Pizzazz: “…if I had known the mafia was involved, I would have thought twice…”

Roxy: “Well, who the hell is Raya?!?”

Shana: “…and then Synergy turned out to be a Cylon and we were like, ‘Whaaatt?!?’”

This is the true story of two sisters, two orphans, three mortal enemies, one stupid boyfriend, one psychotic entertainment lawyer, and a host of other people added in the third season that totally confused the viewers.

This is...

Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms

(c) Copyright 2009. All Rights Reserved.

A Solemn Day

Today is my birthday.

I got a Coach bag from my friend Egypt. My Judge took me out to lunch. My friends called to tell me I was old.

And then I watched the Greatest Artist of All Time, Michael Jackson, be put to rest.

Sigh. Everyone always dies or has a funeral on freakin' July 7th.

But, that's okay. Life and death...It's just human nature.




R.I.P. MJ

Human Nature

Disclaimer: This is a tribute post. If you are a Negative Betty, please leave. No Negative Betty's! Thank you.



So, I guess Michael Jackson is the only person who could get me out of my three month writer’s block. Amazing.


I am a MJ fan. I always have been and I always will be. I never believed any of the allegations hurled against him. In fact, I always felt so badly for Mike because I believed that he was stuck in emotional development hell. He only ever had about five years of normalcy before being thrust into the sweat shop that was the Jackson 5. He spent his whole life in front of the world and no one cared enough about him as a person to guide him into becoming a fully functioning adult.


I genuinely felt pity for the man. And, I honestly felt like the scorn he received was like kicking a disabled person who was already lying helpless on the ground. Just not my scene and not how I operate.


So, yeah, when MJ died I thought to myself, “Self! You gotta write something! This huge! This is MJ! The only artist on your list of Artists You Must See Live, that you never got to see live…so write something!”


And, then, like everything else that’s worth writing about on this blog, nothing was written. Nothing flowed from my brain to my fingers to Vicky5 (or is it Vicky4…I’ve lost count of my Vicky’s). Literally, I went to write an MJ tribute and my brain farted loudly (which, by the way, is not pleasant at all) and made me go listen to “Human Nature” on my Creative Zen instead.


So, here it is, four days after Michael died. All his tributes have been written, and I got nothing on my blog, but an open letter to my ex-boyfriend. It’s like, really, what happened to my talent? Why can’t I write anything, anymore?


And then, this morning, on my way to pick up breakfast at the Sky Grille in my office, a random thought popped into my head:


“Huh…the first week without any MJ ever again. Music sure is going to suck forever now.”


Now, sure that seems like a totally innocuous statement. But, when I thought about all the other things I said and emotions I felt over the last few days, I realized that I had completed my Kubler-Ross-MJ Stages of Grief. What’s more is that I could even write about my Kubler-Ross-MJ Stages of Grief on my blog (now with more cynicism, sarcasm, and self-deprecation). Finally, I have something I can write about!


So I present to you (the negative 2 of you who still read this blog), Reese’s Kubler-Ross-MJ Stages of Grief.


Denial


Thursday, June 25, 2009. 7:30pm


Reese: “Yawn! That was a good nap. Time for So You Think You Can Dance!”

“What’s this? 18 messages! Geesh, who died? [Reese states this with sarcasm that today she feels total and complete guilt for]”


TEXT Message from Egypt: “OMG, rumor that Michael Jackson had a heart attk!”

Reese [more cynicism]: “Yeah, right…”


TEXT Message from Egypt: “OMG, rumor that Michael Jackson in a coma!!”

Reese: “Whatever!”


TEXT Message from Egypt: “OMG! Rumor that Michael Jackson just died!!!
Jdksaljdsfkldsjdljdskljdsljdsl!!!111!!!!11111One!”

Reese: “Egypt is so gullible.”


TEXT Message from Egypt: “They just announced he’s dead…Channel 4 news.”

Reese: [silent]



TEXT Message from Egypt: “MJ Special on abc 2nite @ 9”

Reese [small voice]: …no way…





Anger


TEXT Message from Egypt (she sent this message twice): “MJ Special on abc 2nite @ 9”


Reese: …………



“SON OF A BITCH!!!!”





Bargaining (exactly 1 second after anger)



Reese: “NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!! DEAR LORD CAN’T YOU TAKE JOE JACKSON INSTEAD?!?!?”

“SERIOUSLY, I’LL GO GET HIM FOR YOU!!! IF YOU WANT ME TOO, I TOTALLY WILL!!!! SHOOT, I’LL TAKE OUT JANET! I’M STILL MAD AT THAT TRICK FOR CANCELLING HER TOUR DATE IN FT. LAUDERDALE!!”




Numbness


Reese [calls Toya]: “Toya…”

Toya [sniffling (she’s already at the “Depression” stage)]: “…yeah [sniff, sniff]”

Reese: “Toya…MJ is…dead…”

Toya: “Yeah, I know, I know…I called you…[sniff, sniff]”

Reese: “I was…taking a nap…”

Toya: “I’ve been crying since I heard.”

Reese: “Oh, man…this…how…this…”

Toya: “I know…[sniff, sniff]”

Reese: “You’re crying, but…I don’t feel anything…”

Toya: “It’ll hit you eventually [sniff, sniff]”

Reese: “No…I don’t know…maybe…”





Depression


CBS MJ Special


Ed Bradley: “Michael, is there anything that you would tell your fans, for those fans who have questions?”

Michael Jackson: “I would tell them, if they want to know me more to listen to the most autobiographical song I ever wrote…and that’s a song called “Childhood.”

[“Childhood” starts playing]

[“Before you judge me…Try hard to love me…”]


Michael Jackson: “And I would tell them that I love them very much. And that I never take any of their love for granted. Never.”

[“The painful youth, I’ve haaadddd…”]



Reese: …..


“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!”


[Ugh, yes, tears and that weird sorta hyperventilating thing you do when you’re really upset…yeah…I’m lame]




Depression


Sit tight folks, we’re going to be here all weekend. Yeah!



Friday, June 26, 2009.


Reese: “Oh…I’m too devastated to function.”

[Reese spends a whole day not functioning due to devastation]




Saturday, June 27, 2009.

8am

Reese: “….”




10am

Reese: “…meh…”



Noon

Reese: “…gjkdlsdksldjskfdlsls…”



2pm

Reese: “…brain…attempting…to…conjure…thought…”



2:01pm

Reese: “OW!”

“Ohhhh, my brain hurts…”




2:02pm

Reese: “Advil, Advil, Advil, Advil, Advil…”



2:30pm

Reese: “Sigh.”




2:31pm

Reese: “…meh…”



4:00pm

Reese: “Well…I guess I should do something…where’s the ice cream?”




Anger


4:01pm

Reese: “THERE’S NO ICE CREAM?!?!?!





Bargaining


4:02pm

Reese: “Dear, Lord. I’ll give you Joe Jackson and RAISE you 5 bucks if you give back MJ and make some Ben & Jerry’s instantly appear here.”


God: [silent]


Reese: “Really?”




Depression

4:03pm


Reese [crying]: “THERE’S NO ICE CREAM!!!!”




Regret


Sunday, June 28, 2009

11am


Reese: “Awww…No Doubt, check. Alanis Morissette, check. Teena Marie, check. Janet Jackson, check. But, I never got to check off MJ. I never got to see him live in concert.”

Maria [laughing]: “Oh, girl…like you would have ever gotten tickets to an MJ show.”





Anger


11:01am

Reese: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN I WOULD HAVE NEVER GOTTEN TICKETS?!? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!? I AM THE TICKETMASTER!! I GET TICKETS TO EVERYTHING!!!”

Maria: “Okay, okay, calm down…”

Reese: “NO YOU CALM DOWN!! DON’T INSULT MY TICKETMASTERY SKILLS!! THEY ARE SUPERB!!! WHO ELSE DO YOU KNOW GETS TICKETS TO THREE OLYMPICS AND FRONT-ROW SEATS TO NO DOUBT, JANET JACKSON, AND TEENA MARIE, HMMMMM??”

Maria: “Umm…no one…”

Reese: “THAT’S RIGHT!! PFSSHHH!! TELL ME I CAN’T GET MJ TICKETS…I CAN GET MJ TICKETS…”

Maria: [silent]

Reese [muttering under her breath]: “…can’t get MJ tickets…ME…seriously!...unbelievable…”

Maria: “Are you done now?”

Reese: “…yeah, I guess, so…”




11:10pm


Maria: “Seriously, what’s with all the anger?”

Reese: “I don’t know.”



Acceptance


8:00am

Reese: “Huh…the first week without any MJ ever again. Music sure is going to suck forever now.”


“Sigh. I guess I better get used to chart topping hits by such greats as Soldier Boy Tell ‘Em. Gah!”




Bargaining


8:01am

Reese: “Dear Lord, I’ll give you Soldier Boy Tell ‘Em in exchange for Mike. Please?!?”


God: [silent]


Reese: “Really?”


God: [silent]


Reese: “Sigh. Dang, that’s messed up. Really is gone for good, huh?”

God: [gives Reese a sympathetic nod]

Reese: “Dang.”







© Copyright 2009. All Rights Reserved.

An Open Letter to March Madness

Dear March Madness,




I hate you.




I hate you and we’re breaking up forever.


Why are we breaking up, you ask? Well, simply put, you have been a horrible boyfriend to me over the years and I just can’t take your passive aggressive nature anymore.

Every year you totally screw me over! Oh, yeah, you’re great at wooing me with empty promises of adventure and excitement. But, every year, without fail, except for when Maryland won the National Championship, you break my heart. And, I’ve decided that I’ve had enough.

I’ve had enough of listening to sports announcers praise the “intelligent” and “respectful” play of Duke while the same Duke players kick their opposition in the balls and step on their stomachs without getting called for flagrant fouls (see Christian “I Hate that Bastard” Laetner).

I’ve had enough of you making me fall in love with cute, charismatic freshmen who go on to make national championship crushing time-outs. I’ve had enough of teams who you PROMISE are going to win the big dance, but instead get kicked out of the dance during the Sweet Sixteen or the Elite Eight.

I stuck with you through all those years when you became enamored with those stupid sideline ho’s mid-majors who never did nothing for nobody. You know I don’t care who wins between Butler and Southern Illinois! What the hell is a Saluki anyways?!?

Yeah, yeah, so you have given me little leaps for joy over the years. You made Dookies cry sometimes and you banned mid-majors from the tournament this year; but, so what? What does it matter when you’re irresponsible and inconsiderate behavior can’t even get me to win my own tournament challenge?!?


If you really cared, you’d stand beside me and not let the Canadians kick me in the butt every, single, stinking year in the SD Bracket Challenge! But, nooooo!!! You just abuse me emotionally every year! You tell me you love me, but you really don’t. You don’t love me! You only love yourself!!


So, I’ve had it! I mean it this time! I’m not coming back to you.

Don’t call me asking me if I want to go to the Final Four next year (YES, I WANT TO GO!!!). Don’t come around next March promising me that Pitt is, YET AGAIN, the sure fire way to the SD Bracket Challenge Championship.


Forget my phone number.


Forget where I live.


If you come knocking, I will NOT turn on CBS and let you in.



No more! We are done!


We are SO DONE!


WE ARE FINISHED!!!



Sincerely,


Reese the Law Girl


PS: Call me…you know, if you just want to be friends…we can still hang out sometimes…you know, if you want…


[Reese whispers] I love you. xoxo


Reese + March Madness = Love Forever!

It's March!!! IT'S MARCH!!!!

First of all, this is for Strength/Courage/Wisdom. I know she'll get a kick out of it...

Second of all, I haven't written much of anything in a month, because I literally have nothing. Or at least, I have nothing that's safe to publish. Don't ask, I won't post it.

Next, as Dez reminded me on Facebook and in the comment section, it is in fact March. And you all know what that means....

...it means...something...sort of important...

Okay, look I can't get excited at this very moment about March Madness because I just got my Invisalign braces and I'm in excruciating pain a tad bit uncomfortable. I will say that I watched Morehead State and Northern Iowa punch their tickets to the Big Dance this weekend and the games were great and I got really excited for March Madness. But, that was before I put in my second Invisalign tray on account of the first tray feeling too comfortable; and, of course, all painful tooth hell broke loose due to my genius dentistry improvisation.

Anyways, I don’t feel like talking about this anymore. I’m hopped up on drugs and my mouth is sore. So, this post is just a reminder that the SD Bracket Challenge will start next Sunday and you all better be prepared for a beat down…

That is if my teeth are up to it.

Oh my precious teefs (now that I have braces, I can't say the word "teeth").

Lazy is as Lazy Does

I'm not going to bore you with the details.

I'm lazy.

Please, forgive me.

Here are 46 of the 300 pictures I took of my trip to China. Enjoy! :)


2008 Summer Olympics Pictures

Inauguration of President Barack Obama

[For whatever reason some pictures didn't post. So, I'm adding them now. :)]

Introducing...PJ!

My friend PJ (nee Leslye) got married eons ago to her hubby, Dr. J. And yes, I'm just posting about it now. Hey, it's not my fault. Vicky4 totally broke down on me.

Anyways, the wedding was so gorgeous and totally different just like PJ. And, believe it or not, the wedding went off without any major hitches or any serious drama. Well, there was a bit of drama for me when we (the bridal party) went to get our hair done, but I'm not going to talk about that unpleasantness for fear of writing a blog post in ALL CAPS TO EXPRESS MY INTENSE RAGE!!!

HOLD ON A SECOND. I NEED A MOMENT TO COLLECT MYSELF!!!

Okay, here are some pictures from PJ's lovely wedding weekend along with my ever so witty captions. I've omitted most of the pictures of myself because no one needs to see me looking like a huge Red Delicious come to life...

Seriously, this is what I looked like at the wedding.

[Begin Actual Wedding Pictures]

PJ (nee Leslye) had a Henna Bachelorette Party. Here's the lovely KT/Katy/Catherine/Kat (I think I've renamed Katy five times on this blog) in the midst of delicate Henna surgery.

This is how you get crucial wedding updates on your cell, while protecting your Henna, while admiring your other henna.

Hands of Henna. Actually this was a lot of fun. Oh, and PJ my Henna has not gone away yet. Now I look like I have leprosy!

Katy and her husband JR. Awwww, they're so cute. And JR is an awesome dancer!

This is me and PJ's (nee Leslye's) cousin and maid of honor. On this blog, she shall henceforth be named "Tens." Because she's super cool. :)

Hey did you guys know that I know someone famous? PJ's (nee Leslye's...yes, I'm going to keep doing this) brother Paul James. He plays "Calvin" on the ABC Family drama Greek. Go ask some kiddies about the show. They all love it and Paul too.

Little do they know that Paul is not as cool as he looks on television. Let this be a lesson for you children.

PJ (nee...okay, I'm not going to do it anymore) and her familia. Awwww, I like this picture.

But this is my FAVORITE picture of the wedding weekend. I think Katy and Tens look gorgeous here!

It's time to go!

PJ just realized she's getting married.

But, she's not marrying herself! Finally, here's Dr. J and his groomsmen.

Look, now they're married. You can tell because they have that marriage "glow."

I'm not going to say "bling, bling" because I know you are totally expecting that.

It's true. You are not as cool as these guys. I'm sorry. You'll just have to deal.

In their first official action as husband and wife, PJ and Dr. J decided to mutilate a helpless and innocent cake. As you can see, Paul didn't try to stop them. He just took pictures.

Okay, so that's PJ's wedding weekend. It really was a blast. And now I'm totally excited for Eliza's wedding. I know it's going to fabulous. You should see pictures from that wedding on this blog in 2015.

Well, maybe a little bit sooner. I'm sure I'll put those up eventually.

Uhhh, you know it really depends on if I end up looking like a giant fruit again. We'll see. ;p~~~

© 2008. All Rights Reserved.

She's a Bad Girl

What do you do when you know something is bad for you, but you just can't stay away? There's a new magical fairy in my life. She was supposed to replace the old, when purchased, and totally abusive ogre known as Vicky3, but now I'm not too sure. Le Sigh. Well, introductions are in order, so everyone meet Vicky4....

Okay, first of all, Vicky4 really is a bad @$$ computer. I mean, she's so loaded with crap that I shouldn't have to buy another laptop for years! But, Vicky4 also comes with baggage, aka Windows Vista, so she's not really living up to her full potential.

Now before you Mac-bots (PJ I'm looking at you) start yelling at me telling me I should have bought a MacBook Pro, I want you to know I considered that. Since I had to learn a new operating system anyways with Vista, I thought I might as well consider getting a MacBook with it's not completely foreign, but still a bit weird, OS. Well, here's the thing with Apple....

Apple kinda blows.

A lot.

Yeah, Apple blows just as much as Microsoft really. I mean, honestly Apple and Microsoft are like two politicians: both are dirty, but you gotta pick the lesser of two evils and hope for the best.

Look, I know a little about Apple. I have an iPhone. In fact, I've had two iPhones (sold the 1st gen on Ebay for more than I bought it for...people are nuts, huh?). And, for the record, I flove the iPhone! I also recognized that Apple has intentionally held the iPhone back from being as useful as it could be while it attempts to patent the Universe before Nokia, Blackberry, Motorola, etc. And, therein lies the problem with all Apple products.

The MacBook Pro is more expensive than a Dell XPS and it's outdated before it even leaves Cupertino or San Francisco or Beijing or where ever it is that Apple does its dirty business. For whatever reason (a pact with the devil or currently adapting alien tech which will be useful in 100 years when I'm dead!), the MacBook Pro doesn't come with a Blue Ray drive!

I mean really! What the heck is up with that Apple? Are we going to give Beta another try? With the slight exception of the video card, I get everything else on a Dell for two-third's (or less) of the MacBook price AND I can play and BURN Blue Ray disks. AND, to top it all off, Dell comes in pink. So, Dell wins (Microsoft wins by default).

Well, alright so I voted for the Dell/Vista ticket, but that doesn't mean I'm happy with Dell's VP candidate (now I understand how McCain supporters feel). Let me tell you, please don't believe the Mojave/I'm a PC commercials. I mean, I didn't believe Microsoft's slick advertising, although I did think it was kind of funny calling out Apple on its pretentiousness. That being said, VISTA SUCKS HARD!

I've had Vicky4 for one day, and I've already spent three hours on the phone with Microsoft and Dell! And, I'm not an idiot. I do know how to watch movies and get on the internets (typo, but I'm leaving it).

Yes, my Iron Man DVD is an actual DVD and not a CD. And, yeah, I'm pretty sure that I didn't download a counterfeit version of Internet Explorer (what? isn't it free anyways?) which in turn disabled my virus protection. Oh, wait you mean Vista did that? Oh, yeah, that's what I thought.

B@stards!

Anyways, after 12 hours of set up time in which Vicky4 had to be restored not once, but twice!, Vicky4 appears to be fully operational.

Now, I don't know what's in store for the future, but for now Vicky4 is pretty cool. I'm digging this Windows Live Writer. Perhaps, I'll be writing more often now that I've shelved Vicky3. Or perhaps I'm full of crap and will do what I usually do which is nothing since I've moved to Florida.

Yeah, yeah, I'm liking the latter option.

So, for what it's worth say hello to Vicky4. I'm not responsible if she bites.

© 2008. All Rights Reserved.

Beijing Update #3

Needless to say, I've been back from Beijing for some time now. Anyhoo, I never did post my last Beijing update, so here it is in it's entirety for the most part. I'm finally getting pictures and everything uploaded in different places. Hopefully I will have my Beijing pictures uploaded to my FLIKR swatch thingy pretty soon.

Anyways, here's the last China e-mail that I sent to my friends and family. A Youtube video of our hotel room is next. :)

-----------------------------------------

Zaoshung Hao!

Well, this will be my last update from Beijing. It is 1:21AM in the morning and we just got back from our last event at the Bird's Nest. We saw Athletics (track) which was very exciting, but more on that later.

After the Forbidden Palace and Tienanmen Square a few days ago, we decided to take a break and do some shopping. We went to the Cotton Market (also called Yashow). It's like haggler's central there. The vendors are very aggressive and if you want a good price you have to haggle hard like you've never haggled before. Naturally, Lisa and I left the penny pinching ways to our resident money lover, CC. Here is how to haggle the CC way in Beijing:


Vendor: "Ohhh, beautiful lady, how about a lovely handbag?"

CC: "Hmmm...I like this one, how much?"

Vendor: "For you, because I like you so much..."

CC [interrupts]: "...you don't even know me..."

Vendor: "1500 Yuan (about $224.00 US)"

CC: "Absolutely not. I'm leaving."

Vendor: "Awww, you make me sad. Okay, I'll give you a good deal-- 1000 Yuan."

CC: "Seriously? No."

Vendor: "Awwww, you are terrible. C'mon this is good quality..."

CC: "It's stolen off the back of a truck..."

Vendor: "You tell me how much then?"

CC: "Fine. 150 Yuan."

Vendor: "ONE HUNDRED FIFTY?? OH MY GOD, YOU MAKE ME CRY!!!"

CC: "And you'll make me cry if I have to pay your price."

Vendor: "Oh, you are horrible!!"

CC: "Yes, I am."

Vendor: "Awww, come on. This is great quality. Very R&B..."

CC: "What?"

Vendor: "I'll give it to you for 500 Yuan."

CC: "No. You know what, we are too far apart. I'll go somewhere else."

Vendor: "Awww, you are so terrible. Okay 300 Yuan."

CC: "No. Absolutely not."

Vendor: "Come on. Give me a good deal."

CC: "I'll do 160."

Vendor: "Awwww, you are so cheap!"

CC: "Insulting me will get you no where."

Vendor: "Awww, come one. 200? It's very R&B"

CC: "What? Why do you keep saying that?"

Vendor: "Come on. Come on!"

CC: "160 is my final offer."

Vendor: "Oh, you are so cheap. Oh, okay. I like you. You haggle like the Chinese, so I'll give you the Chinese price."

CC: "Mmmm-hmmmm..."

Vendor [turns to look at me]: "Oh, my god she's so horrible and cheap! You should do something!"

Reese: "I am. I'm going to take this bag she just bought for me. Ha!"



Now, compare this method to the Reese/Suhir way of negotiating:


Vendor: "Oh, hello beautiful American lady."

Lisa/Reese: "Hi..."

Vendor: "Do you like these shoes? I'll give them to you for 1500 Yuan."

Lisa/Reese: "No, that's too much."

Vendor: "Awwww, you are so horrible! You are terrible. You make me cry..."

Lisa/Reese: "Oh, I'm not trying to offend you, but..."

Vendor: "Awww, I have a child to feed. I'm only allowed one child in China and now my one child will starve because you are so cheap even though you are rich Americans compared to the Chinese...."

Lisa/Reese: "No, wait..."

Vendor: "Ohhh, I'm so sad. You make me cry..."

Lisa/Reese: "DON'T CRY!!!"

Vendor: "Please, buy from me for 1000 Yuan?"

Lisa/Reese: "OKAY, SOLD!!!! I'M SOOOO SORRY! I'M NOT A CHEAP, SELFISH AMERICAN, I SWEAR!!!"



As you can see, the Lisa/Reese method of haggling was no good; thus, we made CC our official buyer at Yashow.

The next day after shopping we went to Wangfujing (I'm totally spelling this wrong) which is like a mall and also in the evening a night market where they sell strange foods (like deep friend scorpion). We kinda messed up our timing and ended up buying things at the mall, but then missing the night market so we plan on going to that part of Wangfujing tomorrow night.

Yesterday evening we went to the Taekwondo event that featured American siblings Mark and Diana Lopez. We didn't really understand the scoring system, but it was Taekwondo and people were getting kicked in the head so we thought it was awesome. Diana won the bronze medal and Mark won the silver medal. He almost won the Gold and only lost by one point in, literally, the final second of the match.

Anyways, we were in the center section and the only Americans in that section (we were literally surrounded by Chinese and Koreans). BUT, we were the loudest people in the arena, I'm telling you! When Diana and Mark got their medals on the medal stand they both turned to us and waved and thanked us for cheering (I have it on video tape)!! We were so happy that all of OUR hard work paid off with some shout outs (not Mark and Diana's hard work, they didn't do nothin'-- lol!).

Let's see...today we went to the Summer Palace and the Temple of the Heaven. Really, I can't describe it, but both places are very beautiful. The Temple of Heaven is no longer a temple and more like a park. People play games and do street performances and stuff-- it's really cool.

The Summer Palace was a retreat for the royalty many, many years ago. It was burned down in one of China's opium wars, but rebuilt by the "Dragon Lady" Empress. Now it's a world heritage site. Unfortunately, the Dragon Lady spent tons of money to rebuild the Summer Palace to the detriment of the Chinese people (the money she spent could have gone to the military (I think navy) to protect the Chinese from the British or something...I can't quite remember...I just remember that she screwed up her country).

Later that night, we went back to the Olympic Greens to see track and FINALLY GOT ON THE TODAY SHOW!!! Really, this was my mission in life--to be on the Today show--and it finally happened!

It was really cool. I met Al Rocker and Meredith Viera. I explained to the Chinese people who Meredith, Al, and Anne were all the while thinking "You're Chinese and don't even know what the Today show is. Go away, you're taking up valuable TV mugging space!" But, I didn't say that out loud.

We met the Gold medal winning women's soccer team and the Gold medal winning men's beach volleyball team. We also met the silver medal winning women's water polo team. Of course, all of these people were Americans. And they were all pretty cool (except some of the soccer team looked like they didn't want to be there; CC and I didn't understand why they were so salty, I mean they did just win a gold medal--whatever!).

After the Today show, we finally made it back to the Bird's Nest for the last time (so sad :(. I won't tell you the results because they haven't aired in the US yet, but I will tell you there's some shocking stuff that happened in the 4 x 100 relay (Reese Edit: Jamaican Women lost) and an American did win a medal (Reese Edit: Gold in Decathlon).

Well, that's all for now. We're off to the gold and bronze medal women's basketball game tomorrow. Most likely, we will skip the bronze medal game to do more shopping (because CC just needs to get more stuff), go to the night market, and then go to the gold medal game. So, look for us tomorrow on NBC. We'll be the girls with crazy cow boy hats, leis, and basketball sunglasses!


Peace and Love,

Reese xoxo

One Year Older/Crushes Back in the Day

So, today is the date of my birth…



[Reese waits for cheering and round of applause]





[Reese continues to wait]





[Reese stops waiting realizing that all of her internet friends suck]





As with every year on this day, I like to reflect on the past year and see what kind of stuff I did. Well, I have to say this was a pretty good Year of the 30. I mean, I turned 30 last year and didn’t lose my mind. I bought a new car and failed to complete the blog story on it like I said I was, I saw the Spice Girls in concert, saved for my trip to China, found a new place to live, and some other junk. It was a pretty standard year, but an alright one nonetheless.

Anyways, I was thinking about some other stuff I could write about today. When I got bored doing that I started thinking about hot boys. FYI, I almost always start daydreaming about hot boys whenever I’m bored.

Yeah, so I was thinking about the waiter at the Brickell P.F. Chang's who looks like a Latino Orlando Bloom (HOTTTT!!! I’m going to kidnap him, I swear it!!). And then I started thinking about how I’m going to make Daniel Henney fall in love with me at the Beijing Olympics (Yeah, Korean Hott!!!). But, then I slowly started getting back to writing this post and thought, “What about a July 7th post on my crushes from back in the day?” “Yes,” I thought, “this is going to be fun.”

Well, it was. For some of my crushes I realized that young Reese had good taste; but, for other guys I realized that young Reese was an idiot.

So, anyways, I now present to you…



Crushes…





I Had…







Back in the Day…







Ralph Machio





Awwww….he’s so cuuuttteee. He’s the cutest little Karate Kid evah!! Awww!

No seriously, I loved me some Ralph Machio back in the day. Seriously, he’s like the #1 crush from back in the day. No one could ever top Daniel-son.

Really, if I had lived in LA during the 80’s I’m pretty sure I would have spent my young childhood stalking Ralph Machio.

I just had way too much love for him back in the day.







Taimak



Oh, yeah!


Oh, yeah!!


This man was fine!


Sho’nuff!!!





But, really, what’s with the karate guys topping this list? Maybe I just like the heroes?


BTW, have you seen Taimak recently?



For the ladies…








Christopher Reeves



Yeah, I did have a hero thing going on. I think I totally bought that Knight in Shining Armor theme.

I was such a girl.


So tragic about Christopher Reeves. But, alas, we do have his great hotness to reflect on today.











Hans Solo

Because I was not feeling Indiana Jones, but I was totally feeling Hans Solo.

Harrison Ford didn’t exist in my world.














Rick Schroder



Okay, seriously, I was like six.


SIX!!


Give me a break.












El Debarge




Holy cow, I really don’t have any words to explain this. Maybe it was his voice? Or that he was on television? Geez louise, I don’t get it now. I wish I could go back in time and figure out what the heck I was sniffing.












Al B. Sure





Aaa…ahhh…ahhh...Al..B. Sure.


You gotta love a guy who can “rock” a unibrow, right?

Right?








Johnny Depp




So, this was the closest thing to a “bad boy” that goody-two shoes Reese could crush on. Yeah, he was a cutie though. I just knew I could change him.


When I was searching for an old Johnny Depp picture, I found this 21 Jump Street PSA on Youtube.




1-800-COCAINE!!


Really, ya'll know you need the help.












Richard Greico


Bastardized, Johnny Depp replacement. But, his tail was HOTT, so I loved him anyways!!














Alright, so those are my crushes from back in the day. Looking back, I’m kind of surprised how the 80’s weren’t really “the brother’s” decade. But, to be fair, the brother’s totally owned the 90’s (read: PWND!!). Moriss Chestnut, Shemar Moore, DENZEL, Taye Diggs, Blair Underwood, Isaiah Washington, Hill Harper, Tyson!


Whooo!! I need to make a 90’s list now for sure!



Hehehehe, alright, alright. In conclusion I’d just like to thank God that I have another year to try and do something useful with my life.



And also I want to thank God for the hot boys he created for me to gawk at.



Eye candy is really one of the best creations ever!!




© 2008. All Rights Reserved.

Go World!

Oh, Alanis. Can you do no wrong? No, no you can't.


Ni hao, everyone. I know I've been gone for a minute. I've been really busy with Life and everything. I don't really have much to say, except that...


IN 54 DAYS I'M GOING TO CHINA!!!



OH, YEAH! OH, YEAH! OH, YEAH!



I'm so excited for this trip. We just received an email from Cosport telling us that our Olympic event tickets (Track and Gold and Bronze Medal Women's B-ball) are on their way. AND, most importantly, I'm done paying for this stupid trip as of last Wednesday! Yes, that's right, I'm no longer poor!



[Reese does happy dance] I'm no longer poor! I'm no longer poor!



Seriously, if you knew how much saving and scrimping had to go into this trip you would feel as sorry for me as you could for a person going to the Beijing Olympics. And let me tell you, you should feel sorry for people like me. People like me have lived a meager existence for 7 months so that they could have the time of their lives for 8 nights. Hopefully, it will be worth it.


Other then that I have absolutely nothing going on in my life right now. Well, besides the fact that I just took a DNA test so that my family could find out where the heck we come from.



Yeah, I know that totally came out of nowhere. Let me explain...



So, a lot of African-Americans are on a quest to find out where their ancestors came from. Unlike everyone else in the known world, Black Americans (and also descendants of slaves in the Caribbean and South America) very rarely can trace their history actually back to Africa. But, don't you know that those egg heads in those science laboratories in those places (I don't know where, don't ask me) have made a genetic test which can trace back the racial and ethnic make-up of your mother's, mother's, mother's, mother's, mother's, etc. from like a million years ago or something.

So, anyways, my family decided to start tracing our genealogy and thought this test was a good place to start. We (read: ME) bought the test a couple of weeks ago and are now awaiting the results.

Now there's no guarantee that my great, great, great, great, great, super-great grandmother was African. She could have been White or Native American. I've prepared myself for the various results that could happen (Lisa is convinced that I'm white). I figure that my reaction will likely range from...


"What the hell?!? My granny was Irish?!? I don't even like beer!!"


to...


"Oh, yeah! I knew I was Native American. That's why I got these high cheek bones. Where's the Bureau of Indian Affairs? When do I get my casino profits?"


to...


"Matamba! I knew I was a warrior princess in a previous life. I knew it!"



Okay, but seriously whatever the results, it will be cool to find out a little bit of something about my heritage. The DNA test can't tell me if old granny was an artist, or high priestess, or simply a stay at home mom. But, it will tell me where she's from. And, let me tell you, that something is definitely better than nothing.


Of course, I will post the results here as soon as I find out.



But, we all know that I'm a warrior princess. I mean, it's fairly obvious, right?



Right?



Pfsssh! You guys suck. ;p~~~



Laters.

Life

Sometimes life just likes to kick you in the throat. A lot. But, right when you think everything is just really awful, something (I like to call him "God") steps in and works it all out. So, this has been my life for the last four weeks...


Work: People at my job are evidently talking about me. First it was, "I think Reese has the best schedule of anyone in the office. She gets to work from home two days a week during the first week of the pay period. On the second week of the pay period she works one day a week and the other day of the week she's off completely. Wow, what a great schedule!"


Now, all the above is true. What's not true is that I'm the only person in the office with that schedule (and trust me you have to work for it, as I work 9 1/2 hour days). I'm just the only person in the office with that schedule who also possesses a kick-@$$ corner office that everyone else wants. Now, the fact that people were talking about my actual schedule is not what pissed me off. What pissed me off is when the above statement turned into this...


"That witch Reese has the best schedule. She has three days a week off every week! She only works two days a week. The other three days she can do whatever she wants. No one else gets that schedule, so why does Reese get it? I hate her."


The above is NOT true. And worse yet, that turned into this...


"Did you hear? That slacker Reese doesn't do any work on account that she only comes into work one day a week. I hear the administration is going to take disciplinary action!"


Sigh.


You see, I'm not angry because I think the administration is "after" me. The administration knows these are bogus rumors and totally false. What pisses me off is that attorneys, ATTORNEYS, have decided not to find out the actual truth about a situation before forming an opinion. As my friend Egypt told one of these gossip mongers...


"Maybe you should get your facts straight before you start talking about people."


Amen!



Housing: Housing in South Florida sucks. Seriously, I've lived here almost three years and have been on the verge of homelessness each and every year! Now, I'm not going to go into the first two times I was almost homeless (they're long stories and I'm really tired), but this last time was a doozy.

You see, there's this thing called "rent." When you pay this thing called "rent" the lessor is supposed to use at least some of your rent money to pay this thing called the "mortgage."


Say it with me...m-ort-ga-gggggeeeee....


Now, for good, kind, sane people paying the "mortgage" on your property with the rent check from your lessee is not a big deal. But, for the insane it's evidently a tall task to require of a person. Also, the other thing that's a total pain for the insane is letting their lessee know that they do not plan on paying the mortgage anymore and that said lessee should find another place to live. So, insane people just keep taking their leesee's money and let the Broward County Sherriff's Office take care of any messy details like, oh, say, telling the lessee that she's got a limited time to vacate the premises before Wachovia takes possession of the condo she's renting.

Yes, that's right, some people are douches.



China: If I wanted to go to China right now the flight would cost me $500 round trip. The fact that I want to go to China in August, during the Olympics, has increased the same ticket to $1775.

I try not to think about this, or the fact that my hotel costs almost twice that amount. But, when I'm sitting at home (home = the streets) it does start to bug me (bug = aneurysm).


Man, rehashing all of this is really getting me down. But, I initially had a point and that is that something (I like to call him "God") does work things out in the end.


Work: I've stopped caring about people in my office. And started enjoying my view.




Housing: I hustled and found an even better place to live, in a great community. I found an awesome, honest moving company (Flate Rate Movers rocks!) and got a friend to help me move all my stuff out. I moved my whole life and everything I own in one day. Yeah, I'm tired, but I'm enjoying the view from my new terrace.


China: The administration appreciated all of my hard work (yeah, despite the fact that I only work one day a week, go figure) and I got a huge bonus just in time to buy that $1775 plane ticket. So, yeah, now I can officially say that I am definitely going to China. I'll email you a picture of the view of Beijing from my hotel window.


So, yeah, even though life sucks sometimes, things aren't always bad forever. Just remember to enjoy the view when storm starts to clear up.

Okay, yeah, that was seriously cheezy, but it's all I could think of considering how tired I am from moving on Wednesday and getting to work at 6:30am on Thursday. So, you know, give me a break. Dang!

© Copyright 2008. All Rights Reserved.