Monday, May 16, 2005

My Night with Fake Kobe Bryant: Part Tres

***DISCLAIMER: Edited bad words, racial epithets, and naked girls. You've been warned.***


12:30am: Arriving at Fantasy

Daniel: “Okay, now we just have to find parking.”

DJ: “Man, Fantasy parking is WHACK! You know last weekend someone busted my car windows and tried to steal my radio!”

Daniel: “Yea, and last month, someone tried to hotwire Chris’s car!”

DJ: “That’s whack, yo! Parking on the side streets near Fantasy is dangerous to a [insert racial epithet]’s car, man!”

Reese: “So, why don’t you just park in Fantasy’s parking lot? It’s secure and guarded by off-duty police officers.”

Daniel: “HAHAHAHA!”

DJ: “HAHAHAHA! WE AIN’T PARKING IN NO “PARKING LOT!” WE GONNA FIND A SPACE!”

Daniel: “YEA! WE AIN’T NO PUNKS THAT NEED TO PARK IN NO LOT!! LOOK! HERE’S A SPACE RIGHT HERE!”


Lord, help Jo and I. Daniel picked a space right next to a crack head’s crack-hangout…


Crack Head #1: “Oooo, yea, ya’ll can park that nice car right there…”

Crack Head #2: “They’s gonna park here?”

Crack Head #3: “Oooo, I wonder what they’s gots in that car?”

Crack Head #4: “We watch your car fo’ you. No problem…”

DJ: “OH, [insert bad word]! WE’VE BEEN INVADED BY CRACK HEADS!”

Reese: “Look, I will pay you guys NOT to park here! I have…12 bucks…”

DJ: “Girl, you $12 ain’t gonna do no good!”

Daniel: “I AIN’T NO PUNK!”

DJ: “I FEEL YOU DOG!!”

Daniel: “…but…dog…I don’t want to park here either…”

DJ: “MAN, YOU A PUNK!!”

Crack Head #2: “We been waiting to have some fun with some people like ya’ll…”

DJ: “Alright, man. There’s an even tougher…and…uh…safer…spot on the other street. WE REAL MEN! WE’LL PARK THERE!”

Daniel: “RIGHT!”

Jo: “Idiots.”


12:45am: Fantasy

First, let me just tell you a little bit about Fantasy. Although in a bad neighborhood, Fantasy is probably the best club on the face of this earth. It used to be an old warehouse, but was completely remodeled. Now, it’s 5 floors of pure hip-hop decadence. It’s very, very plush. Several music videos have been shot at the club. Several vidi-ho auditions have been held at the club. It’s the kind of place where people (and I mean famous people) fly in just to have a good time. On any given Friday night (which is Fantasy’s big night) celebrities from Beyonce, The Neptunes, Usher, P. Diddy, 50 Cent, etc. will be there just living it up. Usually, you have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to get in. But, on this very special night, Jo and I got in for free…


Random Club Goer: “Aww, come on man. Let me in?”

Bouncer: “Look, Dude- you want in? Go stand in that long ass line like everyone else. If you want to come through these front doors, you gotta be VIP.”

Faz (co-owner of Fantasy): “Move it along, buddy…YO! DJ!”

DJ: “WAZZUP, MY [insert racial epithet]?!?”

Faz: “How many tonight, DJ?”

DJ: “All these fine lookin’ people behind me!”

Faz: “Right. Cross the velvet rope my friend.”

Bouncer [who didn’t see DJ talking to Faz]: “YO, YO, YO! WHAT YOU THINK YOU DOIN’?!? GO GET IN LINE…”

Faz [to the Bouncer]: “HOLD UP! THIS IS DJ! REMEMBER HIM! WHATEVER DJ WANTS, DJ GETS. GOT IT?!?”

Bouncer: “Oh, snap! Okay, sorry ‘bout that, man.”

DJ: “Ain’t nothin’.”

Reese: “Wow.”

Faz: “And here’s some VIP bracelets for ya’ll, DJ.”

DJ: “Cool, cool.”

Reese [inside her head]: “Ooooo, I wonder who’s here tonight? I wonder if I’ll bump into someone hot like Shemar Moore and he’ll instantly fall in love with me and take me to Vegas? That would be so cool.”

DJ: “C’mon shorties! Let’s roll!”


1:15am: Fantasy

So, we go up to the 3rd floor. It was pretty interesting up there. I saw a cute little Indian boy with curly hair. But, he was checking out some naked girls…


Inside Reese’s Head: “Oh, shoot! I’m not dressed for Fantasy! I’m not nearly naked enough! Dang it!”


1:45am Fantasy

So, while DJ was trying to “spit some game” to Jo, Chris, James, Daniel, Daniel’s girl, and that bitch Karamo all left me. So, I was chillin’ with the one white girl at the club…


White Girl: “Man, this place is off the hook tonight!”

Reese: “Yea…”

White Girl: “Girl, you are not dressed for Fantasy.”

Reese: “Yea…”

White Girl: “Not nearly naked enough…”

Reese: “Yea…”

White Girl: “But, you do have a VIP bracelet. Why you hangin’ out herre [that’s right, she said “herre”]?”

Reese: “Good point.”

DJ [trying to spit some game at Jo]: “So, that’s what I’m saying girl. You and me- we could be cool like that…”

Reese: “HEY!”

DJ: “What now, shorty?!?”

Reese: “I’m bored. Let’s go to VIP.”

DJ: “Alright, I’m down for that. Let’s roll…”


2:00am: Fantasy

DJ: “Welcome to VIP ladies.”


Okay, so I actually made it to Fantasy’s infamous VIP room. And, well, have you ever seen a rap video? Well, of course you have, duh. So, picture a rap video. Any video will do fine. They’re all the same.

You would not believe the debauchery that was going on in this VIP room. First of all, all the girls were naked. Now, I don’t mean naked like the girls in the rest of the club- oh, no. I mean naked, naked. Like wearing just enough string so that one couldn’t get arrested by the police for indecent exposure. I mean, I always knew that there were vidi-ho’s, but I was still shocked to see one, let alone a room full of vidi-ho’s! It was like being in a safari. Only, instead of documenting lions or chimps or something, I was observing the vidi-ho in her natrual habitat. It was fascinating!

Jane Goodall: “The vidi-ho is a complex creature. First, you’ll notice the typical mating ritual of the vidi-ho. She finds the most unattractive male of her species. She usually picks him based on how much bling-bling he’s frontin…”

Reese: “Fascinating!”

Jane Goodall: “Yes. Next, she will attempt to garner his attention by sticking her posterior either straight up into the air or by grinding it on his private area.”

Reese: “Remarkable!”

Jane Goodall: “It really is. This grinding motion is most likely analogous to a vertical lap dance…”

Reese: “Dr. Goodall, look, over there! What’s that?”

Jane Goodall: “That’s the vidi-ho’s watering hole. Often called the bar. As you can see, it is used for nourishment and for regular, lap dances.”

Reese: “Amazing! Dr. Goodall, why is that vidi-ho not naked?”

Jane Goodall: “It appears that this vidi-ho has attempted to differentiate herself from the other vidi-ho’s by wearing a dominatrix outfit instead. A hot pink, dominatrix outfit.”

Reese: “Wow.”

Jane Goodall: “Wow, indeed.”


3:00am: Fantasy


So, about this time, I’m a little sick of dancing in the sorta-big group of people I came with. I was getting tired, but needed some way to stay awake…


Inside Reese’s Head [singing]: “99 bottles of Moet on the wall. 99 bottles of Moet. If one of those bottles should happen to be purchased, and the big group of posers finishes it in 10 minutes, and then drops the bottle on the floor, so I can trip over it and break my ankle, 98 bottles of Moet on the wall…”



Coming Up Next (I know you guys are going to hate me. I’m not milking this, honest. My job is interfering with my ability to actually finish this damn story!)…

Norwegian Water, Steph Lover, Female Cops, Drunk Driving, and a Speeding Ticket




© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

15 Comments:

Blogger KOM said...

You had me at the naked disclaimer.

What's the story with DJ? Jedi mind tricks? I've met two people with this crazy people-power, but could never figure out how they were doing it.

3:30 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Oh geez. How many parts are you going to part this into girl! You hold out!

Y que paso con la estoria de Mike y Lisa????
(practicing)

4:19 PM  
Blogger Patrick Jason said...

Hey, this going to be like a Telenovela and end after fifteen episodes? Or is it going to be like an American soap opera and go on forever? And, again, I'm sorry if I sound catty today. By the way, you need to write for television or movies, seriously - too funny.

5:12 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

NBA All-star game in Denver earlier this year.

Jerk and his homeboys hang out in front of the Nike party spotting famous people.

Jerk:Check it out yo, das Jane Goodall!

Homie:Naw man, dat beeyatch don't roll wit dis crowd.

Jerk:Naw cracka, das Jane Phuk-n Goodall dog!

Random Cracka:Dude, dat aint no Jane Pauley!

Jerk:Man shut da phugup! Jane Pauley?!? Man I'm talkin bout Jane "Go-rillas n' shid" Goodall man!

Homie:I'm tellin you Graham cracka dat aint no Jane Goodall, she don't be hangin at places like dis!

Jerk:Well then 'splain to me what Bryant Gumbel's doin here then dog!

Random crackas and Ho-ho's:Bryant over herre! Bryant!

Jerk:Damn , maybe that WAS Jane Pauley!

Thank you Reese, I NEW it was herre!( I mean HER)

6:10 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

First, of all- THANX FOR READING, BITCHES!!

Kom: I think DJ is a mutant. He has the ability to make people THINK he's actually Kobe Bryant.

Dez: Uhh...Mike y Lisa es en mi libra de...Oh, nevermind!

I'm trying to finish this. I had no idea I had so much to write about this craazy night! But, a lot did happen. And, I know I have to get to Mike & Lisa. I also have to "premiere" my Poor Working Girl series. And, then I have to update my links in a bunch of new Check it Out Editions. I'm backlogged I tell ya!

Patrick: You really don't want to tell me that I should write for TV or the movies. That would be a bad idea. You can only imagine the horrible things I would make you people watch. ;)

I think this will end sooner rather than later. So, I guess this would be a novella. ;)

J: Hehehehe! That bitch Jane Goodall is a skeezah be-otch. She pretended to be my friend and explain the vidi-ho's to me, but then she stole the cute Indian boy from me. You should be glad you didn't hang out with her at the NBA All-Star Game. But, you should have brought DJ with you. ;)

7:17 PM  
Blogger Patrick Jason said...

Reese, what you write and make us watch couldn't be any worse than American idol.

8:12 PM  
Blogger tannia g. robles said...

Damb Reese I swear I felt like I was at fantasy with you with those fine ass playas LOL! I agree with Patrick, you should write for TV. How about a court room comedy...oh wait a minute, there already is peoples court. I'm sure yours would actually be hillarious.

10:37 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Patrick: Well, it's true. It can't get much worse than American Idol. Although, that Who's Your Daddy show came pretty close.

Tannia: Oh, but the greatest law comedy ever written went off the air several years ago- Ally McBeal. It was mostly funny because it was not based on any fragment of the law. I think they invented law for that show. Hehehe. No one will ever be able to top Ally McBeal.

8:31 AM  
Blogger Karla said...

LOL...Reese that was hilarious. My co-teacher is looking at me like i am crazy because i was laughing so hard.

Hey what did happen with Mike and Lisa????

Oh and i agree you should write for t.v. or movies.

9:34 AM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

yeah Reese what did happen with Mike and Lisa. I really do wonder about them. You should write about them again. ;)

10:18 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Thanx for feeding Lisa's ego, everyone. ;)

I'm putting Mike and Lisa on hiatus until June. At least that's the plan. We'll see if they pop up earlier.

11:25 AM  
Blogger The Grouchy One said...

Reese, us blog lurkers look forward to your entries soooo much, LOL! This is WAY better than TV. ROTFL

I especially love the character descriptions, and the names of the clubs; You, Jo, DJ and crew sound like a wild and crazy bunch! ;-D.

Shall I hope for an "off da chain nite" during our Sucias retreat night on the town?? Heh heh.:-)

-Marissa

12:15 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Marissa: Fo' shizzle dizzle! We gonna rizzock the roofizzle off the hizzouse in the dizzert!

I have no idea what I just said.

12:29 PM  
Blogger Brother Kojak said...

This has got to be one of the funniest blog entries I've ever read on here. You caught me with the entry a couple weeks about about your boyfriend's mama, but I'm all about the Novella now.

I'm from your area so I know the code for the Historically Black College (I even know the Random Audience Member), I know "Fantasy", but you got me on "Sabastian's". Give me another clue.

12:29 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Brother Kojak: Hmmm? Are you getting me mixed up with Juicy77? She's the one with the great boyfriend's mama's story. ;)

Okay, so you know the school. And you know Fantasy. And you know the random audience member (dude is a fool, isn't he? ;). Sebastian's is a club that has a kind of Italian name to it. If you think about it, you'll get it. I can't say anymore or Jo will kill me. ;)

12:39 PM  

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