Wednesday, May 18, 2005

My Night with Fake Kobe Bryant: Part Cuatro

***DISCLAIMER: Bad words and men hitting women. That's just not right. I can't believe you people would support such an endeavor!***

3:15am: Fantasy

Right around this time, the night starts becoming a blur. Surprising, because the only thing I had to drink was that vodka and chocolate milk. It must have been all of the “bitches” and “ho’s” I had to deal with earlier in the night.

Inside Reese’s Head: “My feet hurt. Ow! My feet hurt. Ow! I need to find a seat. Ow! Over there- there’s one. Ow! No wait, can’t sit there. Guy sitting there is throwing up on the nice carpet. Ow!”

5 agonizing and eternal minutes later…

Inside Reese’s Head: “Oh…oh, joy of joys! There’s a seat. Just for me. Ow! Must…make it…to…chair…ow…”

Random Dude [blocking Reese’s path to heaven- aka, the nice comfy chair]: “WHAT’S UP LADIES!?! You want something to drink?”

Jo: “You want some water or something Reese?”

Reese: “Who is…oh, whatever! Yea, sure.”

So, dude gets us some water. I’ve never seen this water before…

[Label on Bottled Water]

From the ice palaces of the Norwegian springs of life, comes...


The life giving water of the Vikings.

I’m pretty sure that the water was really expensive. As it was the water of the Vikings and it came in a really nice bottle. For some reason, drinking the expensive Viking water in the VIP area made me feel important. I never knew water could boost your self-worth like that.

Inside Reese’s Head: “Wow. I’m a baller now!”

3:30am: Fantasy

DJ: “Hey, ya’ll, a brothaz got to sleep! You ready to roll or what?”

Jo: “Yea, let’s go.”

DJ: “You done with that water shorty? Here, I’ll throw it away for you.”

Reese: “Ummm…”

See, the thing is, I didn’t want to throw away my Viking water bottle. It was really cool and pretty and I wanted to show it off to all my friends…

Reese: “Hey, guys- check it out! Viking water bottle.”

Lez: “Wow. That’s really impressive.”

Lisa: “I wish I had a Viking water bottle.”

Eliza: “I look like a supermodel and no one’s ever given me a Viking water bottle.”

Toya De: “I hate you Reese. How did you get a Viking water bottle?”

SQ: “I make a million dollars a year, but I don’t have a Viking water bottle? Where did you buy that?”

Kathleen: “Although I’m a vegan, and the Vikings were meat eaters, I’m very much impressed by your Viking water bottle.”

CC: “The Vikings kicked ASS!! I NEED to have that Viking water bottle! Give it to me or I’ll kill you!!”

Reese: “He-he-he. Sorry, it’s all mine!”

Yea, that would have been cool. But then, I saw all of the vidi-ho’s throwing away their Viking water bottles and I thought, “Gee, I don’t want to have less class than a vidi-ho.” So, I let DJ throw away my nice Viking water bottle.

I wish I had kept that.

3:30am: Outside Fantasy- On our Way to Chris' Car


Reese: “Geez, rude much?”

DJ: “That’s why I hate female, bitch cops! Always actin’ like bitches!”

3:35am: Outside Fantasy- On our Way to our Car

Inside Reese’s Head: “Well, tonight was interesting. I’m a little disappointed that I didn’t see anyone famous…”

Steph Lover [walking past Reese, Jo, and Chris, and talking to one of her friends in her trademark graspy/man voice]: “Oh, man! Fantasy was LIVE tonight! LIVE!”

Reese: “Oh my god! Was that Steph Lover? Famed East Coast DJ and sometime MTV2 VJ?”

Jo: “Yea, that’s her.”

Reese: “Cool! So, I did get to see someone famous tonight! Awesome!”

3:40am: At Chris’ Car

DJ [picking up his cell phone]: Yo, what’s up Daniel? I’m just about to drive Jo, Reese, and Chris’ drunk ass back home?”

Chris [slurring his words]: “Youuuu…you ain’t driv….dribbin’…this my car!”

Daniel: [mumble]


Jo: “What is it?”

DJ: “Right after we left, some dude just stole that bitch cop in the face!!”

Reese: “WHAT?!?”

Daniel: [mumble]

DJ: “Daniel said she was tellin’ [insert racial epithet] to get the [insert bad word] out of the street. And some dude walked right up to her and knocked her ass out!”

Jo: “I knew that was going to happen to her.”

Reese: “Well, she was talkin’ a lot of smack. Hehehe, but, dude- that’s just not right.”


Reese: “Hehehe…”

Jo [staring at Reese]

Reese: “What? It is kinda funny...”

3:45am: At Chris’ Car

DJ: Alright my [insert racial epithet]. We be out!”

Chris [slurring his words]: “Yea…WE OUT…gimmie the seas…man…”

DJ: “What?”

Chris: “Gimmie…the zeas…man…”

DJ: “You mean the keys?”

Chris: “Yea…that’s….it…that’s why you my [insert racial epithet]…you know…”

DJ: “Man! Yo, drunk ass ain’t driving!”

Chris: “Nah, dawg…nah…I ain’t drunk…driving…I ain’t drunk…ya heard…driving…”

DJ: “Dude, you drunk. You ain’t driving!”

Chris: [insert racial epithet] GIVE ME THE KEYS! I AIN’T DRUNK!!”

DJ: “Alright, man. Here.”

Now, you know…See, you can only imagine that Jo and I were not about to have this…


Jo: “We are not getting in that car!!”

DJ: “What am I supposed to do?”

Reese: “TAKE HIS KEYS!!”

Chris: “I…ain’t drunk…driving…I ain’t drunk…yo…feelin’…drunk…driving…”

Reese: “Look, man. We just want to get home alive. Give DJ your keys.”

Chris: “Nah…nah…this my car…I ain’t durkin…drivin’…”

Jo [staring at DJ with righteous indignation]

DJ: “Look, man! Give me your keys! You wasted!!”


DJ: “Give me the keys man!”

Chris: “YOU WANT THE KEYS?!?!”

DJ: “Yes!”

Chris [dropping the keys on the ground]: “HERE’S THE KEYS…YOUZ A [insert racial epithet]!!!”

DJ: “Man, get in the car!!”

As we all pile into the car, Chris offers up one last word of insight into this situation…

Chris: “Man, I’m sooo drunk…A-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

4:00am: Reese’s Car [Parked at the Very Prestigious Historically Black College- Remember? That’s where this all started.]

DJ: “Yo, shorty! Here’s yo ride!”

Reese: “Thanx, for dropping me off. I actually had a good time.”

Jo: “Yea, right.”

Reese: “I did. It was…interesting.”

DJ: “You know the way home shorty?”

Reese: “Yea.”

DJ: “Alright. Make sure you call Jo to let us know you got home safe.”

Reese: “Uhhh, okay.”


Reese: “See ya…”

4:10am: Driving Home

Reese: “Oh, I’m soooo sleepy. Got to stay awake…got to get home faster…HEY! What was that flashing light??”

3 Weeks Later…

Reese: “What is this? Department of Traffic Enforcement!?! Oh, hell…”

“Dear Lawbreaker:

On April 9, 2005 you were caught by our amazing speed camera technology going 53 miles per hour on a 40 mile per hour highway which had no cars on it at 4:10am in the morning.”

Reese: “Oh, man! That’s that night I went out with that poser, knows all the right people, club promoter DJ!”

[Letter Continues]

“Do you know that speeding kills? In order to protect all of the innocent citizens whose safety you don’t seem to care about, we are fining you $50.00. You could come to court to defend yourself, but you have no defense. Here’s a picture of you…

[Insert Picture of Reese the Law Girl]

And, here’s a picture of your license plate…

[Insert Picture of Reese’s Car].

You should be ashamed. Ashamed! You could have killed any number of 0 people on the highway that night. Just pay the fine and pray for forgiveness from your god.

With love,

The Department of Traffic Enforcement

Reese: “[insert multiple bad words]!!”

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger Desiree said...

LOL you are hilarious girl! Loved the last line. LOL

4:35 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

LOL ay reese you are hilarious! I love d the you could have killed 0 people line..that {bad word} was funny.

7:47 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Thanx, guys!:) I'm still very bitter about that ticket.

7:55 PM  
Blogger Janette said...

LOL! Was that the end of this story?? Is there more?

8:58 PM  
Blogger Jomama said...

Aww. I feel your pain. I have to go to court next month for a ticket too (but you already knew that). And I do wish you had saved that water bottle. It sounded magnificent. I'm going to have to google it so I can see what it looks like.

You wanna know something funny? Everytime I read these stories, I picture you as your South Park picture. I imagine you as a short, stout girl with pigtails. That just cracks me up because common sense would tell me that you probably don't look like that :)

5:57 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Sorry, Janette. That was the end. But, if for some reason beyond my control, I ever go out with DJ again, I'll make sure I write about it. ;)

Rina bee: LOL! Although, I have been known to dawn pigtails (actually, I just did it last week). But, alas, no lightsaber. ;)

8:33 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Rina bee: BTW, I'm not sure if the Viking water was called Savon. I can't really recall the name. I just remember that it sounded like "Savon" or something. ;)

9:21 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Okay you are forgiven for hating hockey. That was fucking funny.

10:23 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Hehehe, thanx Lisa. I guess I can forgive you for liking hockey. I guess... ;)

Wow, I'm gonna get confused now. There are now two Lisa's that read this blog. "Lisa" and Lisa. The Lisa's are spawning! ;)

10:55 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

we tend to do that. I am linking you btw. A) because you're funny and b) because your life is more interesting than mine and I need something to watch now that hockey has been cancelled.

12:28 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Lisa: Thanx! I'm in the slow process of updating my links (I have this disorder where I HAVE to do a special on post on any and all links that I add to my site). I'll make sure to link your blog as well. Thanx! :)

1:49 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

There is to be no hate posts towards my beloved hockey. and if there are ...if you simply cannot resist the urge... they must be deeply buried and hidden to the naked eye. Refer to hockey as...oh, I don't know...Pickles. your comments could read something like "man I fucking hate pickles. those little green bastards should be banned". You will know you mean hockey, and I will know you mean hockey. But the millions of hockey stars that read my blog will not know you mean them and the sport they they will continue to worship me from afar and all will be well in my world...

1:54 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...


Uh-Oh...I guess you haven't read any of my February posts have you? Don't read anything I wrote in February!! ;)

2:23 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

BrB cannot respond right now...reading Feb. Posts.

I never could take an order and reverse psychology always works on me.

2:59 PM  
Blogger KOM said...

Wow, those traffic enforcement letters have gotten pretty scary in the last couple of years.

I kept thinking to myself 'this is going to go to part cinco, I can feel it.' Thanks for finally giving me some closure. I can sleep now!

3:45 PM  
Blogger Joanne said...

Hilarious! I swear! I can't believe you got a stupid ticket! UGH, don't they know the psychological/comedic trauma that you sustained that night?

*wink, wink* I'm sure DJ would love to entertain you again. To discuss the state of child health services of course!

3:47 PM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

hey there is another lisa! Now I need a new alias. Too Funny Reese but it is important to have more class then vidi-ho's

10:41 AM  
Blogger FruitFly said...

As though to make the suspense even more painful, I didn't get a chance to catch up until today... and I'm glad to see closure. I really am.

Though it sucks the closure involved a speeding ticket for you.

2:22 PM  

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