Wednesday, January 25, 2006

A Something Different Exclusive: Interview with a Dummy (and his Momma)


[DISCLAIMER: The following is satire. Thus, I am protected by the 1st Amendment.]



[THAT MEANS YOU CAN’T SUE ME MRS. McCRAY!!!]


--------------------------



We interrupt Reese’s whining about the Maryland’s Men’s Basketball team to bring you a Something Different (SD) Exclusive about...



The Maryland Men’s Basketball Team.



After a much dogged pursuit, SD was able to secure an interview with disgraced college basketball player Chris McCray and his momma. We sent our Emmy-winning reporter, Karma, out to conduct the interview.

And now, the McCray’s side of the story…




Karma: “Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Today you are witness to an exclusive interview with disgraced Maryland Basketball player…”

Chris: “Yo, can you stop calling me ‘disgraced?’”

Karma: “Oh my god! You know what “disgraced” means?”

Chris: “What the $%&*?!?!”

Karma: “I’m just saying I’m surprised that you know what that word means. It’s a pretty big word for someone who can’t pass 6 credits worth of classes…”

Chris: “I’M NOT AN IDIOT!!!”

Karma [speaking in condescending, baby talk]: “Oooookaaay, litttllle mannnn.”

Chris’ Momma (Momma): “DON’T BE INSULTING MY BABY, KARMA!!!”

Karma: “Okay, okay, I won’t use the word ‘disgraced.’”

Chris: “Thank you.”

Karma: “Ahem…today you are witness to an exclusive interview with shamed Maryland Basketball player…”

Chris: “Awww, geesh…”

Karma: “…Chris McCray and his Momma. Now, as you may know from Reese’s whining, Chris McCray, Maryland’s leading scorer, was kicked off the team yesterday because he failed to sustain academic eligibility. The specifics of the academic eligibility state that a player must maintain a 2.0 GPA with at least 6 credits worth of classes. Chris McCray failed to do this, and as such, can no longer play basketball this season. And, sense he’s a senior and won’t be back next year anyways, his basketball career is effectively over.”

Chris: “Bummer.”

Karma: “Now, Chris, would you like to explain to the audience why you’re a dumb@$$?”

Chris: “WHAT?!?!”

Karma: “I mean, why you are now academically ineligible.”

Chris: “Well, you know, being a student athlete is really hard. I gotta play basketball, which I like, but then I got to go to school, which I don’t like. So, you know, it’s just really hard.”

Karma: “Mmmm-hmmm…”

Momma: “I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT THIS IS NOT MY BABY’S FAULT!!! THIS IS THE FAULT OF THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND!!!!”

Karma: “Okay, Momma, but you don’t have to yell…”

Momma: “THEY SHOULD HAVE MADE SURE THIS NEVER HAPPENED TO MY BABY!!!!”

Karma: “Hmmm, interesting point. But, isn’t it true that the University of Maryland has an Academic Support Program with offices in the brand new Comcast Center?”

Chris & Momma: “Yes.”

Karma: “And isn’t it true that this academic support center has a budget of over $1 million dollars and over 14 staff members?”

Chris & Momma: “Yes.”

Karma: “And isn’t it true that these staff members help select the schedules for the players, meet with the players every other week, send out progress reports, and set up tutoring or do the tutoring themselves for student-athletes?”

Chris & Momma: “Yes.”

Karma: “Now SD, ever the dogged news agency, has been given a copy of your class schedule, Chris, by a source in the athletic department.”

Chris: “Uhhh-ohhh….”

Karma: “Uhh-ohhh, indeed Chris. Now, let’s look at your classes last semester...”

“Let’s see, Tuesday and Thursday at 1:00pm is Basket Weaving 101 and Monday and Wednesday at 2:00pm is Family Studies 102: What Daddies Do.”


Chris: “Yeah…”

Karma: [Sigh]

Chris: “Yeah, I know…”

Karma: “Chris, you couldn’t find the time to pass these classes?”

Chris: “Well, you know, like I said, it’s hard to be a student and an athlete…Well, actually it’s fun being an athlete. But, it’s hard being a student. I gotta learn and stuff. That’s not fun.”

Momma: “THIS IS ALL THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND’S FAULT!!! THEY SHOULD HAVE WORKED WITH MY BABY TO MAKE SURE HE DIDN’T FLUNK OUT!!!”

Karma: “Well, our source in the athletic department tells us that the only reason Chris flunked out is because he wasn’t attending the classes. He actually didn’t need any academic support. He was already very good at making picnic baskets that could keep out the likes of animals smarter than the average bear.”

Momma: “THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING!!! THE SCHOOL SHOULD HAVE WORKED WITH MY BABY TO MAKE SURE HE WAS IN ATTENDANCE FOR ALL OF HIS CLASSES!!!”

Karma: “With all due respect Mrs. McCray, the school did warn Chris over a month ago that if he didn’t start going to class and learning how daddies technically don’t have to parent, then he was going to flunk out. What more do you want the school to do? Go to class for him?”

Momma: “YES!!!”

Karma: “What?!?!”

Momma: “IF MY BABY DOESN’T WANT TO GO TO CLASS, THE SCHOOL SHOULD SEND SOMEONE IN HIS PLACE!!”

Karma: “Someone in his place? Like a representative?”

Momma: “YES, A REPRESENTATIVE OF CHRIS MCCRAY SHOULD HAVE SAT IN THE CLASS FOR MY BABY!! IF THEY DID THAT, CHRIS WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN KICKED OFF THE TEAM!!!!”

Karma: “But, Momma McCray, doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose of “student-athlete?” If Chris wanted a representative to attend his classes, functions, trials, divorce mediations, civil suit settlement meetings, fallen star press conferences, etc., he should have declared for the NBA years ago.”

Momma: “IF THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND CAN’T SEND A REPRESENTATIVE THEN THEY SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS FLUNKING OUT!!! I WOULD HAVE FIXED THIS MYSELF WEEKS AGO!!”

Karma: “Again, with all due respect, Chris is a grown man. Do you really think the University of Maryland was supposed to call his Momma?”

Momma: “YES!!!”

Karma: “And, what would you have done if they called?”

Momma: “I WOULD HAVE MARCHED RIGHT UP TO THAT SCHOOL…”

Karma: “Yes…”

Momma: “AND I WOULD HAVE SAT IN CLASS FOR MY BABY AS HIS REPRESENTATIVE!!!”

Karma: “I see.”

Chris: “Momma, you would have done that for me?”

Momma: “YES, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT A GOOD MOMMA DOES!!! SHE DON’T LET HER BABY FLUNK OUT OF BASKET WEAVING 101!!!”

Chris [hugging his Momma]: “Momma, I love you!! Now, no woman I meet will ever compare to you and I’ll never have a successful marriage!”

Momma: “THAT’S RIGHT, BABY!!!! I’M THE GREATEST WOMAN YOU’LL EVER MEET ON THE FACE OF THIS PLANET!!!”

Karma: “Ewww, okay, if we can move past the Oedipus complex for just a moment…Chris, don’t you take any responsibility for letting down your coach, your team, the students, the alumni, and most importantly, Reese the Law Girl, for you having to leave half-way through the season?”

Chris: “Yeah, you know it’s my fault. ‘Cause, it’s hard being an athlete and a student. Well, I mean the basketball part is fun. I mean, you get to go to parties and bang a lot of girls…”

Momma [looking proudly at her son]: “THAT’S MY BABY!!”

Chris: “And you get to drink, and get in fights, and get arrested and then have the charges dropped, you know that’s all fun. But, the student part. I mean, that’s hard…”

Karma: “Yes, you’ve already said that.”

Chris: “Yeah, I mean being a student is hard. I mean, basket weaving is hard. You gotta make loops with this flimsy wicker/wood type of substance. And learning what Daddies do…that’s one of those courses that looks easy…”

Karma: “It is easy, Chris.”

Chris: “No, it looks easy when you read it in the registration book. But, when you actually get there you have to wrap your mind around the fact that some cultures actually expect Daddies to parent, after you just learned that most of the time Daddies don’t have to parent, and then you’re like “Whoa! Daddies have to parent?” And, it’s like difficult, you know?”

Karma: “So, in other words, you take no responsibility.”

Chris: “Well, I mean I guess I should have gone to class…”

Momma: “DON’T SAY IT BABY!!! IT AIN'T YOUR FAULT!!! IT’S THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND’S FAULT FOR TEACHING SUCH DIFFICULT COURSE MATERIAL!!!”

Karma: “You know, I’m actually surprised you know anything about these courses, Chris. I mean, after talking to our source in the athletic department…”

Chris: “Ummm, who was your source in the athletic department, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Karma: “Chris, I am a hard-hitting journalist!!! I will NEVER reveal my sources!!!!!”

Chris: “It was Coach Williams, wasn’t it?”

Karma: “Yup.”

Chris: “Man, I knew he was mad. I didn’t know he would be this mad.”

Karma: “Well, Chris, you did ruin an entire season for the Terps.”

Chris: “Yeah.”

Karma: “You embarrassed the school and pissed off the fans too.”

Chris: “Yeah, I get it.”

Momma: “KARMA, STOP TELLING MY BABY THE TRUTH!!!! CAN’T YOU SEE, THAT HE DOESN’T DESERVE THIS!?!?!?”

Karma [under her breath]: “Actually, I think he deserves this and maybe a little more…”

Momma: “WHAT?!?!”

Karma: “Oh, nothing. Just making some plans for after the interview...”


“Well, that concludes this SD Exclusive. Any last words, Chris?”


Chris: “I’d just like to tell all the kids out there that if you decide to play college basketball, that the basketball part is fun. But, they also expect you to do the student part and that’s not fun. So, I mean, you should understand that coming in. Basket weaving and learning what Daddies do is no joke.”

Momma: “AND I’D LIKE TO SAY THAT I’M GOING TO BE RIGHT BESIDE CHRIS EVERY STEP OF THE WAY FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. SO IF ANYONE TRIES TO MESS WITH MY BABY, I’M GONNA BEAT YO’ @$$!!!!”


Karma: “‘I’m gonna beat yo’ @$$!!!’ Truer words were never said.”

“Goodnight, everybody!!”




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

12 Comments:

Blogger KOM said...

That was great, particularly the idea of Karma making plans for after the interview.

But I have to wonder if the athletic department didn't keep telling him "don't worry about it, we'll take care of it," until it was too late. They are notorious for pampering their star players, then dropping them the moment any heat comes down.

Which is not to excuse the inability to cover 6 units. But still...

12:50 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

According to various Washington Post writers, including Michael Wilbon, and of course, Karma, the school's academic support program told Chris repeatedly that he must attend class or he will fail.

As a former Terp, I know how much it sucks to have a class with a professor who takes attendance. I also know that on Day 1, professor's who take attendance tell you they're taking attendance and that if you miss X amount of classes without a legit excuse (like you were in a coma), then you automatically fail the class.

I honestly don't think this is a situation where the school told him everything would be alright. Now, Chris McCray may have assumed that, but his assumption was obviously wrong.

Plus, I think if the school wanted let it slide, then they would have done it. Instead, they gave him the pink slip. So sad...for me.

Now, what am I going to do? >p~~~~

1:06 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

"The specifics of the academic eligibility state that a player must maintain a 2.0 GPA with at least 6 credits worth of classes."

wow.

is all i've got to say about that one.

"know how much it sucks to have a class with a professor who takes attendance. I also know that on Day 1, professor's who take attendance tell you they're taking attendance and that if you miss X amount of classes without a legit excuse (like you were in a coma), then you automatically fail the class."

god bless those that dont take attendence....not that i miss class...but i like the option.

but....goddamn! 2.0 in 6 credits? egh.....just go to your damn classes!

pshh

2:06 PM  
Blogger jeopardygirl said...

I almost can't believe it. 2.0--that's it, just 2.0 to stay on the team, and he couldn't even be bothered to do that. What a dumbass!

My dad is a hockey trainer (equipment/first aid). He's in his second year with our local University team, after having been with a junior league team for 15 years. He likes it much better, because the emphasis is on complementing your education with hockey, not the other way around. The education comes first.

4:52 PM  
Blogger derek said...

Don't touch that dial...Maryland is currently womping Ga. Tech!

The season may be safe after all....minus the dumbass.

9:17 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Waitamintute...Maryland has a Basketball team?

GO ILLINI!!

Ah, who'm I kiddin', they're not gonna win it all this year either.

9:44 AM  
Blogger Michael Newfoundland said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:22 AM  
Blogger derek said...

Illini??!!?! They are some buckeyes next to you that would like to discuss some matters....

12:45 PM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

The level of stupidity this boy and his momma have displayed is literally mind boggling. I am boggled!! thats all I can say Boggled!!

2:11 PM  
Blogger Bobo the Wandering Pallbearer said...

Nicely done, Law Girl.

3:55 PM  
Blogger Amadeo said...

You have issues...deeply rooted ones...I like that.

3:10 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

LOL @ Amadeo. Yes, it's true, I'm a little mad. Add my minor crazinees to my overactive imagination and you have yourself an official loon.

At least we can all be entertained in the process. ;)

10:04 PM  

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