Saturday, January 07, 2006

Tales from the Childhood: A Death in the Family

Winter, 1985.


8 Year Old Reese and her friend Ann are walking to Reese’s house to play with their dolls. Just your typical, fun day in the life of a little girl…


...or is it…




Reese: “Oh, my god, Ann how can you still play with Barbies?”

Ann: “What’s wrong with Barbies?”

Reese: “Oh, nothing just that Barbie is racist AND stupid!”

Ann: “Barbie is racist?”

Reese: “Yeah, man! She ain’t got no Black friends. She’s racist!”

Ann: “I didn’t know a doll could be racist?”

Reese: “Well, that’s why I’m your friend, Ann. So I can make you smart about certain things. Now, what you need to get down with is Jem and the Holograms. They’re awesome!”

Ann: “Oh, those are those dolls that sing, right? But, Barbie has a band too, you know?”

Reese: “Oh, geez…”

Ann: “Barbie and the Rockers. And, they have a black girl in the band.”

Reese: “Ann, do I have to tell you everything?!? First, of all Barbie just copied Jem. And second of all, Barbie is stupid! Duh!”

Ann: “But, don’t you have Barbie dolls?”

Reese: “Yeah, black ones…”

Ann: “Whoa, wait! I thought you said that Barbie doesn’t have any Black friends?!?!”

Reese: “Oh, geez, do I have to tell you everything?!?”

Ann: “What?”

Reese [sighing]: “Barbie just doesn’t want you to think she’s racist. So, she let’s you “special order” Black ones. Of course it takes like a year for them to come into Toys R Us, but it’s all a trick to cover up her racism!”

Ann: “Reese, I don’t think Barbie is a real person…”

Reese [rolling her eyes]: “Oh, okay, Ann. Like I think that Barbie is a real person!”

Ann: “But, you said “Barbie just doesn’t want you to think she’s racist.” It sounded like you think Barbie is real…”

Reese: “Barbie is not real! Duh!!!!!”

Ann: “Okay, okay, but aren’t we going to play with your Barbie dolls?”

Reese [sighing and rolling her eyes]: “Oh, geez! Do I have to explain everything?!?!”

Ann: “Yes, because I don’t understand you.”

Reese: “Gawd! Okay, we have to play with Barbie dolls because most of the dolls I have are Barbies. But, one day soon, I’m going to replace them all with Jem and the Holograms. Right now, I only have Shana, but soon I’m going to get Aja. And then, Kimber. And, then Pizzazz and all of the Misfits. Lastly, I’m going to get Jem because she’s the one closest to Barbie and I can’t in good conscience get her first.”

Ann: “Huh?”

Reese: “Never mind. I swear my brains are lost on you people! C’mon, let’s just get inside and play. It’s cold out here…”




But, little did Reese know that her evil, vile, sister CC had other plans for Reese’s Barbie dolls.


As Reese and Ann reach Reese’s house, they see 3 year old CC standing in front of the bird bath that is in Reese’s front yard. The infamous bird bath was always perplexing to Reese. For you see, Reese’s mother decided long ago to not waste the pristine bird bath on birds, and instead put dirt in it and planted tulips that sprouted once a year, during the spring, and only lasted for about 2 weeks. This meant that for 50 weeks out of the year, the bird bath was just sitting in the front yard filled with dirt.


It was unused.


It was just sitting there.


It was just waiting for CC to find some way to defile it…



Reese: “CC, what are you doing?”

CC [looking at Reese with a strange, spooky look in her eyes]: “They’re all dead.”

Reese: “Who’s all dead?”

CC [smiling wickedly at Reese and patting the dirt down in the bird bath]: “They are. They’re all dead.”

Reese: “The tulips? They die every May, CC. It’s January now.”

CC: “No. Not the tulips.”

Ann: “Who is she talking about?”

Reese: “Wait a minute...Something’s not right…something’s…very…wrong…”




As Reese eyes the bird bath, she notices a little brown leg sticking up out of the dirt. Then, she notices a little brown hand sticking up out of the dirt. And then, another hand. And, another leg. And, a booty sticking up out of the dirt. And, it suddenly becomes clear…



Reese: “YOU BURIED MY BARBIE DOLLS?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!”

CC: “I had to…they died.”

Reese: “YOU BURIED MY BARBIE DOLLS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!”

CC: “They were bad. Very bad. They had to be punished.”

Ann: “Oh, how creepy!”

Reese [crying and furiously digging out her Barbies]: “YOU BURIED MY BARBIE DOLLS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!”

CC: “They died.”

Reese: “THEY’RE NOT ALIVE!!!! THEY CAN’T DIE!!!!!”

CC: “They died. We had a funeral.”

Reese [looking at the tortured mangled body of one of her Barbie dolls]: “WHAT…WHAT DID YOU DO TO THEM?!?!?!?!?!?!”

CC: “They were bad. Very bad. They had to be punished.”

Reese [tears streaming from her eyes]: “YOU CUT OFF ALL OF THEIR HAIR!!!! YOU BLACKED OUT THEIR EYES!!!!! WHY ARE THEY NAKED?!?!?!?!”

CC: “They had to be punished.”

Ann: “Ohhhh, how creepy!!”

CC: “They died. All of them.”

Reese [hyperventilating]: “All of them…what…where…is…Shana?

CC: “The most precious one was Shana…”

Reese: “WHERE IS SHE!?!?!?!?!?!”

CC: “She didn’t die.”

Reese: “Oh, thank god!!!!!”

CC: “She apologized and only had to suffer a little bit.”

Reese: “WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER!?!?!?!?!?!”

CC: “She’s right here…”



[Cue music from Psycho]



Ann: “Oh, my god!!!”

Reese: “YOU CHEWED OFF HER FEET?!?!?!!”

CC: “She didn’t die…”

Reese: “YOU CHEWED OFF HER FEET?!?!?!?!?!”

CC: “…but she’ll never walk again.”

Reese [hysterical]: “OH MY GOD!!!! YOU’RE SICK!!!! YOU’RE SICK!!!!! MOM!!!!! MOM!!!!! SHE’S DESTROYED MY DOLLS!!!! MOM!!!!!!!”

CC [talking to Ann]: “They died.”

Reese [crying like a little girl and running into the house]: “MOM, I HATE HER!!!!! SHE’S DESTROYED EVERYTHING!!!!! MY LIFE IS OVER!!!!!!”

Ann: “Uhhh, Reese…”

CC [talking to Ann in a sinister voice]: “Your dolls may be dead too. Let’s go see.”

Ann [running after Reese]: “Oh, creepy...”

“REESE, WAIT!!!! DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HER!!!!!”


CC [talking to Reese’s future blog audience with really big, creepy eyes]:


“They died. They had to be punished. Your dolls may be dead too. Let’s go see…”


Blog Audience: “NARRATOR, GET US OUT OF HERE!!!! NARRATOR…WHERE DID YOU GO?!?!?!?!”




I’M IN THE TIME MACHINE! IF YOU’RE NOT IN HERE WHEN THE DELOREAN REACHES 88 MPH, THEN THAT’S ON YOU!!!!




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

17 Comments:

Blogger Miss.Q said...

haha I love this post. Did it actually happen, or was it ficton. Either way I laugh and found it quite creepy. My sister used to cut off all the barbies hair too. I dunno about chewing off there feet tho. lol

2:37 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Thanx, Miss Q. This is actually a totally true story. All Tales from the Childhood are totally true. :D

3:21 PM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

I hope that girl got the counseling she so clearly needed

5:43 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

That was freaky, I was going to post something else, but now I am afraid, very afraid!

8:24 PM  
Blogger Brother Kojak said...

DAMN! I tell you what....I'm just TOO vindictive to take that kinda shit. She would have to go! She'd be joining them in that tiny ass bird bath.

8:48 PM  
Blogger Kaci said...

LMAO oh girl that is so hilarious. Oh and I had all the ethnicities. Even the hawaiian one. I think her name was Kiwi or something.

9:51 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Kaci: LOL, that's just wrong. Why is the Hawaiian girl's name Kiwi? That's just not right. I'm offended for Hawaiian people. ;)


BK: You know how these things go- the only person who would have gotten in trouble for this would have been me. Especially if I had taken revenge. The best I could hope for is some sort of "talking to" or "grounding" for the little bugger (by this time, my mother was way past spanking CC; it just didn't work on her crazy a$$ (but, that's another story ;) )).

8:50 AM  
Blogger This Girl I Used to Know said...

Creepiest Three-year-old EVER!

10:17 AM  
Blogger Jessica R. said...

this was good - and to find out it's actually true? I'm glad she wasn't my sister...my dolls were very importatnt to me - mostly Cabbage Patch though.

1:46 PM  
Blogger KOM said...

Truth be told, some of the more disturbing stories that I've heard have to do with girls and their Barbie dolls. I had a good friend who would maim them to "embaress them". I wonder what ever happened to her...?

I'd actually just read a related article - I couldn't find the same one, but this is sort of a rehash.

2:13 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

From Kom's article:

"Whilst for an adult the delight the child felt in torturing dolls is disturbing, from their point of view they were being imaginative disposing of an excessive commodity in the same way as one might crush cans for recycling."


You see guys, CC was just being imaginative. And all this time I just thought she was twisted. ;p~~

3:12 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

Damn CC, remind me not to mess with her.

4:55 PM  
Blogger Nova said...

That was hilarious yet mildly disturbing all at the same time.

5:00 PM  
Blogger derek said...

Damn...

That's some scary s*%t.

7:41 PM  
Blogger Envizable said...

I don't know what to say... good post though.

8:05 PM  
Blogger Mon said...

Love, love, love reading your stories. Haha.

10:05 PM  
Blogger Neicy said...

Good story, very interesting , had me on the edge of my seat....

11:31 PM  

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