Saturday, January 21, 2006

An Open Letter to Mariah Carey

Dear Mariah,

I have something to say to you.

It’s not easy for me to say this.

In fact, it’s quite hard.

But, I think…

No, wait, I know.

I know that I owe you an apology…

As you’re aware, you and I have had our ups and downs.

Well, actually, mostly downs.

I know I’ve talked bad about you from 1992-2004.

That’s a long time to hold a grudge, I know. But, you really pissed me off.

I mean, you came out with “Vision of Love” and I thought you were so cool.

But, then things changed.

And you became uncool.

Totally uncool…

Actually, now that I think about it, I’m not quite sure why I was mad at you. Something about becoming a pop princess, making songs for white people and then remixing the same song for black people, and being confused culturally…

Okay, the truth is you were just annoying. You were everywhere and people wouldn’t shut up about you, and I got sick of your whining, “I grew up biracial and the kids teased me blah, blah, blah.”

So, I latched onto Alanis Morissette and gave up on you.

And you, for your part, began to fade away.

And then it was the late ‘90’s. And the Spice Girls came out. And although Kathleen had warned Eliza, Leslye, and I that 5 girls named after seasonings had invaded Britain, my friends and I KNEW that that would never happen in the U.S.

But, it did happen. The Spice Girls were just as big in the U.S. as they were in Europe. Hell, even I was singing about boys having to get with my friends in order to get with me and a zig a zig ah.

And, I will admit that the Spice Girls were fun. But, that was supposed to be the end of it. Just the Spice Girls- that’s it.

But, that wasn’t it. Others, who were not fun, and yet equally untalented, came. And, worse yet, they wanted to be considered serious!

They invaded radio, TV, movies, my brain, and they wouldn’t go away! It was evidently some sort of terrorist attack that we had no idea about. I mean, do you know how painful it is to be forced to hear a bad singer sing? All the time?!?!

I never realized how good it was when the only person I was forced to listen to was you, Mariah. Instead I endured over half a decade of…

I’m a slave for you.
I won’t deny it.
I’m not trying to hide it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah



Just thinking about it gives me Tourettes!!!!

Yet, for a moment, I thought that maybe we would be saved. That I wouldn’t have to be subjected to J.Lo’s tone deaf ass declaring that she’s “real.” But, unfortunately, Christina Aguilera couldn’t decide whether or not to be a great singer or a stripper. And, once again, I was back to being tortured.

In what ended up being the greatest insult of all time, a chick named Ashanti not only teamed up with one of the worst rappers ever (Ja Rule), but she was actually awarded for her insolence by being declared Entertainer of the Year by Soul Train.


SOUL $%&*@!# TRAIN!!!!!

I mean, don’t you have to have a soul to get recognition from Soul Train? We all knew that Ashanti was some sort of vampirish creature sucking on the blood of those who came before her. She couldn’t be taken out. She was stuck with us forever.

And I gave up hope that real talent would ever be heard on the radio again.

Others, for their part, put their hope in someone else. But, they quickly realized that she was just a con artist with no range (Beyonce).

I thought, I mean I really thought, that I would never be able to listen to music again. Whitney was on the crack and Teena Marie was retired.

I was so depressed.

But, then, something happened.

Something great.

You, Mariah. You happened.

You got yourself out of the looney bin and you released a song. It was called, “It’s Like That,” and the song was good.

But your ass is crazy and I didn’t know if I could trust you. So, I didn’t buy The Emancipation of Mimi.

But, you kept releasing songs.

Good songs.

Great songs.

And, so, I did something that I hadn’t done in over a decade.

I bought your CD.

And your CD is good.

Actually, it is great.

I keep playing it in my car and attempt to sing (badly) to the songs.

I listen to it at night as I go to sleep.

I marvel at your voice and your range. And, I thank God that he took the time to create your larynx.

And, so Mariah. Now is the time. The time to say…

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for every bad thing I ever said, thought, or plotted against you for.

And, I also thank you. I thank you for eliminating the competition. For how can Jennifer Lopez even think to sing again when your voice will simply make her explode?

Thank you, Mariah.

For you not only emancipated Mimi, you also emancipated me-me.

Hahahahaha!!! Get it?

Okay, nevermind.

Anyways, thanks. For now, I can listen to music again.


Reese the Law Girl

P.S.: If you ever need any administrative law help, please call me. I’ll hook you up for free. It’s the least I could do.

© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger "Lisa" said...

Ashanti a vampire. Thats harsh. What's scary about all this is that once we shunned Mariah and now we are thankful for her. Will there ever be a time when we are thankful for christine and Ashanti. What will come next. Maybe the next people will actually be strippers and vampires instead of just dressing like strippers and vampires. Who knows. The artist you mock today may be the artist you miss tomorrow.

12:10 AM  
Blogger KOM said...

That was nearly tear-jerking beautiful.

Except that during the holidays, at the post office, I heard the Mariah Christmas Album. I can only assume that she was super-crazy during that recording.

She has a beautiful voice - I wish that she would stop trying to yodel every damn note, though.

6:35 AM  
Blogger jeopardygirl said...

I have to agree with KOM on the yodelling. Everytime I watch the poor deluded fools trying to match it on American Idol, I curse her (well, and Whitney).

But, she does have a marvellous instrument there. It's always good to know someone else can admit when they're wrong, too.

Oh, and I quite like her Christmas album--it's a hell of a lot better than Celine Dion's.

9:41 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Surprisingly, there isn't very much yodeling on her new CD. Just straight long notes.

Besides, yodeling isn't so bad when you're really good at it. ;)

1:49 PM  
Blogger Joanne said...

You are too funny! Like you, I had abandoned Mariah most of the '90s and early '00s... I think she's still as loony as Bugs Bunny, but who can deny her success with the emancipation... That CD is great and she's had a helluva year! Just don't force me to watch her in her sausage casing dresses and heels she can't walk in... I can't take it.


9:56 AM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Ok so Mariah doesn't know how to dress herself. Give it a rest Joanne! ;P

I was scared to read this Reese. Really didn't want to feel offended at the end of I'm glad you finally can appreciate her. I told you all that this CD was going to do it for her. Yeah, she still hasn't learned how to dress, but hey, NO ONE has a voice like her. So get off! :) I mean, thanks for showing your appreciation. Finally.

11:17 AM  
Blogger Brother Kojak said...

I like Mariah now too. I hope she doesn't get caught up in the Bones Thugs N' harmony style of singing. It suits her voice, but its a 1 shot deal.

I liked Crazy Mariah better, but this one is a good balance for her career. Crazy Mariah was out there, and boy was that entertaining! not only was she hot and crazy, but she was also hot in the ass! What a combo!

1:47 PM  
Blogger Jessica R. said...

HA HA - she definitely had her own ups and downs. The singing is "on" with this new cd. And i'll ALWAYS sing a long to "my all". {{{sigh}}} but I'm with Joanne - that wardrobe - i mean she's getting older and gaining weight and she needs a new stylist!!! No one will ever stop talking about that until a change is made - i mean new years - wtf? It was freezing in NY - she was more than 1/2 naked!

1:56 PM  
Blogger tannia g. robles said...

you had me cracking up! funny though...for many many years I felt exactly like you about Mariah. You forgot to add how she is always crying about how she was a caged bird when she wa married but now she was free like a butterfly. I was so freaking sick of her saying that crap. Boo Hoo Hoo! But now, her talent is back...thank goodness!

2:19 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

LMAO....i also like this cd, it is one of her best.

10:16 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

I'm givin' you everything...all that joy can bring....this is tuuuuue.

AND.....all that I want from a'll be therrrrrre.


I LOVED that video.

11:22 AM  
Blogger Shelley Halima said...

This post is classic. I was cracking up reading this because it hit close to home for me. Forgive me, Des :-). I do have mad respect for her talent and the Mimi CD is CRYING for me to buy it now. We'll see.

8:15 PM  

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