Tuesday, January 17, 2006

The Land of Hot Boys

As I sat in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, watching Maryland get decimated by Duke last week, my mind took me to a strange far away place…

A place that I only get to go to in the most desperate of times…

And that place is…

The Land of Hot Boys
(okay, duh, like you didn’t know that was the place).

I only go to the Land of Hot Boys when I’m really messed up. Like I was when JJ Redick was actually able to get 2 inches off the ground and dunk the ball.


Anyways, JJ Redick does not occupy the Land of the Hot Boys (no Dookie does). The Land of Hot Boys is my special place. Every hot boy known to man lives there. It is, quite literally, the Greatest Place in my Imagination.

In the Land of Hot Boys, hot boys outnumber girls 55 to 1. Usually, I’m the “1,” but for the purposes of this piece, I’ll let you cool girls who read my blog come for a visit.

And only a visit- you can’t stay!!

Rebel City

Rebel City is where all of the bad hot boys live. They’re impossibly hot and hate authority figures.

They’re the guys in high school that you thought were so hot, but you also knew were really jackasses.

But, that’s okay. Because in the Land of Hot Boys, bad hot boys can’t hurt any resident girl. So, you get all of the benefits of dating a bad boy with none of the heartache.

The Mayor of Rebel City is James Dean (dude, don’t sleep- James Dean was hot!).

Other citizens of Rebel City are Colin Farrell (you know, when he doesn’t look all scraggly), bad Leo from the Man in the Iron Mask, Allen Iverson, Lenny Kravitz, Ray Lewis, Terrell Owens (idiot), and Matthew McConaughey.

Oh, and the new guy who just moved in- Daddy Yankee.

What? I live in South Florida. Gimmie a break.

Suburban Town

This is where all those sensitive “Father” types live. All they want is for you to have their baby. In return, they do all of the parenting and provide you with a nice comfortable lifestyle where you get to party in Vegas with your friends every weekend.


The County Executive of Suburban Town is Brad Pitt.

In the Land of Hot Boys, I’m the one having Brad’s baby (so all you other chicks better step off!!!).

But, you can choose from the following other residents just waiting for new wifeys:

Blair Underwood
Ryan Phillipe
Gavin Rosdale
David Beckham (a former resident of Rebel City)
Johnny Depp

Sensitive Town Village

Oh, this is where I go a lot.

Because it’s where Orlando lives.


The best thing about Sensitive Town Village is that the hot boys just love to dote on you, without annoying you to death.

This is where hot boys say things like, “Reese, you’re the greatest woman God ever created,” while writing great, cheesy songs and giving you a foot massage.


There’s no mayor or County Executive in Sensitive Town Village. But, there is a roundtable. And sitting at the round table of hot boys (who are creatively making you the most thoughtful, Valentine’s Day Presents ever) are…

Orlando Bloom (duh!)
John Mayer
Jason Mraz
Jake Gyllenhall

Almost Illegal Township

Currently occupied by the Wakeforest Men’s Basketball Team.

That is until I find another b-ball team that’s cuter.

New Suave City

So, this is pretty much where all of the brothers live.

These guys dress well and carry themselves with a lot of confidence. Mostly because they know they’re hot.

Of course, they also do really hot things like planning romantic dates on the roofs of sky scrapers where they also cook all of the food for said romantic date and then serve it to you while they eye you up and down and…

Hold on… I need a minute…

Okay, I’m back.

Wait, wait....

Okay, I'm really back now.

Now, needless to say that NONE of the guys in New Suave City are gay (sorry, but there are no gay men in the Land of Hot Boys; yeah, the Land of Hot Boys discriminates like that). So, don’t let their good looks and well-fitted, perfectly sized jeans and D&G dress shirts fool you.

The President of the Land of Hot Boys is usually elected from New Suave City. And, the contenders are…

Shemar Moore
Morris Chestnut
George Clooney
Boris Kodjoe
Matt Damon
Ronnie DeVoe
Patrick Dempsey
Danny Fortson
Hugh Jackman
The Rock
Tyson Beckford

About presidential elections in the Land of Hot Boys…

You have to understand that the purpose of being President in the Land of Hot Boys is to take care of me (or my TEMPORARY alien guests- that’s right, you chicks’ visas only last for a limited time only!).

Sense I don’t want to take care of me (and by that I mean, do whatever I need to be done according to my each and every whim), only a person other than myself can be President. And, sense the only other citizens in the Land of Hot Boys are hot boys (you chicks are only visiting- remember that!), then only a hot boy would be qualified to be president. Other qualifications include…

Well, that’s pretty much the only qualification actually.

Also, in the Land of Hot Boys only women are allowed to vote (the hot boys haven’t had their suffragist movement yet). And bribes to sway the vote are obviously legal.

It’s better than any form of government ever created by man.


So, anyways, I hope all of you have enjoyed your visit to the Land of Hot Boys. And, as you ladies leave the Land of Hot Boys (that’s right, get the hell out! This is my town!!), we/I sincerely hope you have enjoyed your visit.

Now, have fun in the real world.

As for me, I’m going to be here until March Madness is over.

© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger Brother Kojak said...

Hahaha! My MAIN man Danny Fortson. How about that??? **wink**

We uncategorized straight males can only visit the Land of Hot Boys too.

The tell me whenever I visit that I'm messing up the flow and I have to go home.

11:58 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

Holy goodness Reese this was the best anniversary gift anyone could have given me.

You know i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Dadddy Yankee and The Rock and umm Shemar Moore and...(yes i can keep going)

That is cool that you can been Brad's babies mama as long as everyone stays away from Daddy Yankee we are cool.

I think we other chicks might have to get together to rebel against this temporary visa.

12:01 AM  
Blogger jeopardygirl said...

It's okay, Reese, I'm happy with my visa. I don't know if I'd want to live where Hot Boys fought over me, or had competitions in my honour, sweating and flexing their muscles, and when they reach for the water bottle, they miss their mouths and splash it down their strong, naked chests....

That's it, I'm joining Karla's Rebel Alliance. Is it just me, or has the temperature inched up a degree or two?

10:31 AM  
Blogger derek said...

Jake "I Wish I knew how to quit you" Gyllenhal?

Oh, and about Brother Kojak's avatar: who dyed Isaac Hayes white? (on the real, get well soon Isaac!)

10:35 AM  
Blogger Joanne said...

Oh. Dear. God. I love this land, I do, really I do! Can I stay an extra day, please???? Or can I renew my visa on a regular once a week basis? Good gravy, this was a great trip - the best yet...


I was going to question some placement choices, but by the time I got to the end of the list, I'd forgotten everything... ;-)

11:06 AM  
Blogger Brother Kojak said...

Derek: Hey hey!! That be my daddy man!! Telly! Get it right!

11:29 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

BK: Uncategorized straight men can visit too. But, I will kick an uncategorized straight man out for messing things up (like telling the hot boys that they have rights and junk). Don't be coming here ruining the fun! ;)


I can't believe you made me say that twice. ;p~~~

Karla, JG, and Joanne: Okay, I will rethink the current visa policy. But, we must maintain the balance of hot boys to girls. You know, we gotta keep the guys desperate. ;)

Actually, all this talking of hot boys has given me a stolen idea. I've been thinking of having a hot boy draft (idea stolen from One Tree Hill). I think it would be fun. We'll see...

12:43 PM  
Blogger Inside Man said...

what about Metro City for heads like Kanye, Fonsworth, and Ryan Seacrest??

2:32 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...


That's the third time I've had to say that. See, this is why uncategorized straight men who live in the real world cannot visit the Land of Hot Boys. They always be startin' mess. ;p~~~

2:53 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

georgey (clooney) is mine and nayone that comes near him will get beaten with a stick...or an evil glare.


3:39 PM  
Blogger KOM said...

Jason Mraz?

6:13 PM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

Ok About my Visa. What if I marry a citizen of the Land of Hot Boys. WOuldn't I then be allowed to stay. Boris and I could run away and elope and theres NOTHING you could do about it. Of course to be married in the Land of Hot Boys might not be such a great idea.......
Hmm Plan has some down sides. I will work on it and ghet back to you.

8:29 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

Ooooh man i was ready for the long fight.

LOL@ Caro a stick, really?

9:52 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Matthew McConaughey, Chris Evans, and Eduardo Verastugi are my new ones...I think you should add the last two. I've been in love with Matthew since the Texas :P game. Uh huh...he looked sooooo hot there with all the football players....

11:21 AM  
Blogger Caro said...

no he didnt...he looked disgusting.

ew texas.

5:24 PM  
Blogger derek said...

BK: Who loves ya baby!!!

I know that was Telly :) He is a bad mother (shut yo mouth) in his own right. He had The Player's Club before Cube turned it into an average movie about strippers....excuse me, clear-heeled-Americans.

caro: you must be a USC fan...to that I say COME ON! you won 2 in a row! let a team that hasn't won since the Johnson administration get some shine!

reese: are there men on the DL in the Land of Hot Boys? Oh, and Ronnie DeVoe? RONNIE DEVOE?!?! Would you like to be his Candy Girl? Was he trying to call you and needed to talk with Mr. Telephone Man?

7:10 PM  
Blogger ByeBye said...

I don't know what to say? Maybe I'm a bit jealous... nawww I just don't know what to say.

11:39 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Ladies, do you see how guys are? All the references to MY hot boys being gay or on the DL? Trying to get me all pissy.

It won't work! I will not allow you uncategorized straight men to ruin my fun. ;p~~~~

Now, to answer Derek's legitimate question:


I have since I was six. And, if he's been trying to call me and can't get through, I am going to kill the telephone man!

8:23 AM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Danny Fortson?!?

I don't live there, but Danny Fortson DOES?!?

This hurts Reese.

Half of these guys have timeshares in Jerkville.

Sadly, T.O. kicked my ass in the last election so now I don't even run my own joint.

10:24 AM  
Blogger Joanne said...

Hey, btw, Derek... you and brother kojak are cracking me up!!!

10:26 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

J, I'm sorry, but uncategorized straight men do NOT live in the Land of Hot Boys- no matter how hot they may be.

Ya'll be startin' to much trouble and I can't have you messin' things up for me.

Also, hot boys are banned from entering Jerkville. So, we don't have the problem of jackasses like the rest of ya'll.

It's all good in the Land of Hot Boys. ;)

10:46 AM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home