Friday, January 27, 2006

Team Jolie


You see this chick?




This is Angelina Jolie.





This is my home-girl. So, all you other chicks need to stop hatin’ on her!



Here are the reasons why I love Angelina Jolie:



1. She’ll kick your @$$!!

2. She actually knows what’s going on in the world.


3. She kicks @$$!!


4. She’s a good actress.


5. She’s super cool!!




Now, I’ve recently become aware that a lot of women hate Angelina. They think she broke up Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt and that she’s a “whore.” To which I say…





SHUT THE HELL UP!!!






Look, the fact of the matter is that Angelina did not break up Jen and Brad. Jen broke up Jen and Brad. I know this for several reasons.



First of all, I believe Angelina when she told Diane Sawyer that she did not sleep with Brad Pitt when he was married. And, I quote...







“BITCH, PLEASE!!! I DON’T NEED TO SLEEP WITH A MARRIED MAN!! I’M ANGELINA JOLIE, MOTHERF------!!!”







Okay, she didn’t actually say the curse words. I just added those for dramatic effect. But, I’m so sure she wanted to say the curse words. She did in fact say that she didn’t need to sleep with a married man. And, this is true. Because even though Brad Pitt is Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie is…well, she’s Angelina Jolie. She’s nearly perfect (her lips are a little chapped sometimes). She can get any man she wants. Why would she want some homely girl’s leftovers?




Ouch. I’m sorry, that was mean. I’m sorry.




But, the point is, there are a lot of hot guys out there. Angelina could have gotten one that wasn’t bogged down with a wife. Duh!


Of course, right now you’re saying, “Reese, you’re certifiable. Also, you’re wrong. How do you know that Angelina wasn’t lying?” To which I say…









SHUT THE HELL UP!!!








Do you think that I would be naive enough to be a fan of someone completely devoid of any and all morals (*cough*Kobe Bryant*cough*)? No way! Plus, I’m a lawyer, so I know when someone is lying to my face. Trust me when I say this- she didn’t sleep with Brad Pitt while he was married.



At least, she didn’t while he was not legally separated.




Anyways, I also don’t believe Angelina broke up Jen and Brad, because it is obvious that it was Jennifer Aniston’s idiocy that broke up Jen and Brad.



The fact is that for the last several years, we’ve only heard Brad Pitt utter one word consistently in every interview he’s ever had. And that word is “baby.”



“I’d like to have a baby someday.”


“Well, I definitely want to be the father to a baby soon.”


“You know, yesterday I think I started hearing my biological clock ticking. I think it was saying I need a baby.”


“MY GOD, JENNIFER WOULD YOU GIVE ME A FREAKIN’ BABY ALREADY?!?!?!”



Brad was 41 years old when he and Jennifer legally split last January. Jennifer was 36. Brad wanted a baby now while he could still walk upright. Jennifer wanted to “try” for a baby in about “5 or 6 years” when she would would be 41 or 42. Yeah, you do the math.


Brad didn’t want to have a child when he was damn near 50! It’s obvious that Brad and Jen were at an impasse. And, when it comes to whether or not to have a child, when one spouse wants one and the other wants to “try” for one when all of her eggs are shriveled up and spoiled…well, the marriage is pretty much over.



Oh, and if you still don’t believe me, consider this:



It’s been one year since Brad and Jen split and 3 months since they became legally divorced, and Brad already has 3 children!!!!(1 Maddox + 1 Zahara + 1 Baby on the Way = 3 Marriage Breakers)




I also know that Angelina didn’t break Jen and Brad up, because Jennifer Aniston said so in her Vanity Fair/Vogue/Some “V” Magazine interview. She said, and I quote…




“Angelina did not break up this marriage.”






I mean, what more proof do you need people? It’s obvious.



So, what happened you say? Well, I’m pretty sure it went something like this…




The Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Hook-Up Timeline


- Brad and Angelina begin filming
Mr. and Mrs. Smith while he’s still married to Jennifer.

- Brad sees Angelina being a mommy on the set and finds this endearing. Also, Angelina is hot, so he sees this as endearing and hot.

- Brad tries to jump Angelina.

- Angelina says, “Oh, hell to da nawww! You a married man! Get the freak off of me!”

- Brad says, “God, my wife won’t have sex with me so that I won’t impregnate her- it’s all a part of her futile effort to have a movie career. Please, Angelina won’t you get with me and have my baby?!? PLEASE!!!!!!” (6 exclamation points because he’s that serious)

- Angelina looks at him like a fool and then Brad asked if it would be easier if he wasn’t married.

- Brad goes home and tells Jennifer for the last time that he loves her, but that he wants a baby now. Jennifer says, “Oh, hell to da nawww! I’m going to be a movie stah!!”

- Brad laughs, packs his bags, visits his attorney, and files for legal separation.

- Brad and Angelina immediately begin humping like rabbits, with no protection, and tah-dah! Angelina is now preggars.



Yup, I’m pretty sure that’s how it all went down. Give or take a few broken china dishes being thrown against the wall and Jennifer Aniston whining about her future movie career.



So, anyways, now you’re all filled in. Angelina was not a home wrecker. If anything, you should be concerned for Angelina. No one knows if Brad really loves her or if he just wants her for her 29 year old eggs.





Anyways, the point is now you can go back to liking her movies and speculating whether she has collagen in her lips because you now know she's not a homewrecker.





Seriously, I can’t believe I had to spell all this out to you guys.





I mean, really?!?!






What would you without me?






© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

14 Comments:

Blogger Juicy77 said...

lol! Um, Angelina Jolie is gorgeous, and a great actress, but um, homegirl is not above some homewrecking. I have three words for you (well names really): BILLY BOB THORNTON. He was married and Angelina didn't care. But I don't think she broke up Brad and Jen...but it's possible. I know, I know, "Shut the hell up, Juicy!" Ha! I think her lips are real, only because her brother has the same lips.

3:16 AM  
Blogger jeopardygirl said...

I like Angelina better than Jen, too, but she is probably a little bit culpable...

8:56 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Juicy: Okay, Angelina was just going through a hard time during the whole Billy Bob thing. She was obviously depressed and insane- I mean that's the only reason any woman would marry Billy Bob Thorton. But, she's not as insane now, which is why we can all be sure that she didn't break up Brad and Jen. End of story. ;p~~~


JG: You were 100% right until the second half of your sentence. ;)


PS: I would never really say "Shut the hell up" to you chicks. I would take out "the hell."

LOL! I'm just kidding. :)


Or am I?


Yes, I am. ;)

9:46 AM  
Blogger Lez said...

regarding the lips: The Jacksons all seem to have the same nose(job). Just because Angelina's brother has the same lips doesn't mean that genetics had anything to do with it.

that being said - any girl who kicks that much ass is cool with me. and i'm sure Karma will deal with her if she's is, in fact, a homewrecker.

3:14 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

I hate all 3 of them.
:P

4:12 PM  
Blogger jeopardygirl said...

well, you know, culpable in that she gave him a soft place to fall, let her kids call him "uncle Brad" and stuff... it can be very enticing to a man who's unhappy.

4:54 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

JG, okay, you're absolutely right about that. It is probably true that she was an emotional support to him. And, the fact that she had a kid and let him get close to this kid, well...it didn't help Jennifer's case.

But, at the same time, I don't think she "went after" Brad. I think when couples reach an impasse regarding whether or not to have kids, the marriage is most likely over.

But, my point is...uhhh...


Angelina rocks!


So leave her be. ;)

5:19 PM  
Blogger "Lisa" said...

I have to agree with Reese on this one. I like all parties involved movies. They all seem like cool peeps. But it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the Brad wanted kids and Jennifer believed she had years before she need to pop them out. These are things she herself said. AT age 36 she actually said 5 or 6 years. It is a common misconception for women to think they can wait forever to have kids. Why on earth did she think she had 5 or 6 fertile years left. She could be headed to early menepause any day now. Honestly how stupid can you get. But I ain't knocking her for not having rugrats. I don't want none either. I just don't get why people hate angelina when it is obvious that this marriage was doomed long before he came along. If it hadn't been her it would have been whatever chick was willing to have his baby. And there are millions of them.

7:33 PM  
Blogger KOM said...

Let's give it a few years, find out if Pitt's Katie Holmes comes out of the woodwork and wraps him around her finger.

I'm all about the kids. Don't get me wrong.

But this whole Jolie thing needs to stop here and now. In my mind, she's the poor man's Liv Tyler.

Now ithere's a woman I could wreck a home for. Well, until Beyonce comes jumpin-jumpin back to the single world.

4:48 AM  
Blogger This Girl I Used to Know said...

See, now this is why you need to talk about these things before getting married.

It's a simple conversation...

"Baby, do you want to have kids?"

"Oh, more than anything in the world - it's the most important thing to me!"

"OK then, yeah, I think I'll see you later then. Have a nice life!"

End of discussion.

12:03 PM  
Blogger Kaci said...

I like Angelina and Brad, together or apart. Never did like Aniston though. Thought she was a bit whiny. I could care less about their personal lives though. oh and I love you too Reese. :) And I think you and Orlie together are great. hehehe

6:52 PM  
Blogger Jessica R. said...

I can't belive you hate Jennifer!! Where is your soul??
I don't think Angie is a homewrecker...Brad's just a dog. It doesn't look like he loves her at all. Either way i'm not a Jolie fan at all - i'll never forget her insestual(sp?) ways.

1:31 PM  
Blogger Stacy-Deanne said...

I like Angelina. I just wish she'd get away from these dogs. Brad is going to hurt her like he hurt all the other women. I don't know why she and Halle Berry can't find decent men. They are two strong, successful women. Why do they keep falling for men not worthy of them? Brad is not the one! He's a dog! They don't change. I just hate to see how it will be when he leaves her for someone else. And believe me he will. Just wait until he makes another movie with another woman. Ben Affleck is going to leave Jennifer Garner too. He's one of the biggest dogs himself. What's wrong with these women? Can't they see this is just a bad thing waiting to happen with these men?

2:32 PM  
Blogger anika said...

Hm. Good timeline. Compelling arguments. I juuuuuuuuust might change my stance ...

7:04 PM  

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