Monday, July 24, 2006

Tales From the Childhood: Music Corrupts, Absolutely

As a child, Reese had an affinity for songs inappropriate for children. While most children sang only nursery rhymes or sweet, adult contemporary love songs, Reese went out of her way to sing songs about sex. As a child, Reese quickly tired of nursery rhymes and only cried when a slow love song was on the radio (she thought slow songs were about sad things like death and killing puppies or something).

Anyways, the following is a lesson on how music does NOT corrupt children as we all know that Reese is a perfectly fine, well-adjusted adult.…

Just go with her, here…

Reese, Age 2

Mom [to relatives]: “Oh, listen to Reese sing. Go ahead, Reese, sing your song.”

Reese: [takes deep breath]

“Seee-ee ‘dem out on ‘da street at night
Picking up on all kinds of strwangers
If the pwice is whight
You-ou can't score if ‘ya pocket's tight
But you wanna good ti-mme
You ask yourself
Who ‘de are
Like ev’body else
They come from near and far-rrr…”

“Bad gawl
Sad gawl,
‘ya such a naughty bad gawl
Beep-Beep, uh, Toot-toot!
You bad gawl
you sad gawl
Your such a dirty bad gawl
Beep-Beep, uh-uh, Toot-toot!”

Relatives: “Awww, she’s so cute!”

Other Relatives: “I know! She doesn’t even know what she’s singing.”

Reese [continues singing]: “Hey, Mista! I’ll spend some time wit ‘ya…”

Reese, Age 5

Reese [at McDonald’s]: “Mom, I want some French fries!”

Mom: “Okay, we’ll get some fries.”

Reese [hears her song on the radio in McDonald’s]: “Ohhh, this is my song…”

“…I'm looking for a man to love me,
Like I've never been loved before.
I'm looking for a man who'll do it anywhere,
Even on the limousine floor.

'Cause TONIGHT, living in a fantasy,
My own little nasty world.
TONIGHT, don't you want to come with me,
Do you think I'm a nasty girl?”

McDonald’s Customer: “Awww, she’s so cute!”

Other McDonald’s Customer: “I know! She doesn’t even know what she’s singing.”

Reese [continues and starts doing a little dance]: “…Nasty girl, nasty girl, do you think I'm a nasty girl? Nasty girl, nasty girl, do you think I'm a nasty girl?”

Reese, Age 7

Mom: “Reese, are you doing your homework?”

Reese: “Yes, Mom!”

Reese [continues studying while humming her favorite new tune]:

“…I was beat incomplete
I’d been had,
I was sad and blue
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Shiny and new

Touched for the very first time
When your heart beats
Next to mine”

With the emergence of hip-hop...

Well, you can only imagine.

Reese, Age 9

Reese: “Mom, can I have some ice cream?”

Mom: “Yeah, sure.”

Reese [listening to her WALKMAN that CC would end up breaking 3 days later]:


“Yo, yo, yo, yo, baby-pop
Yeah, you come here, gimme a kiss
Better make it fast or else I’m gonna get pissed
Can’t you hear the music’s pumpin hard like I wish you would?
Now push it
Push it good
Push it real good…”

[CC (age:5) starts dancing]

Reese: “Yeah, go CC!!”

“P-push it real good! Ah, push it’…”

CC: “Get up on this!”

Of course, at some time, Reese’s string of listening to inappropriate music had to end.

Well, sort of…

Reese, Age 12

Reese [watching MTV with her Mom]:

“Do me baby.

[insert sound of women having sex]

Do me baby.

[insert sound of women having sex]

Do me baby.

[insert sound of women having sex]

Doo-ooo-ooo me.

Do me baby.

[insert sound of women having sex]”

Mom [looking in shocked horror]: “Oh. My. God.”

“Reese, I don’t want you singing this song ever again!”

Reese: “Moooommmm!!”

Mom: “REESE!”

Reese [sighing]: “Okay.”

Mom: “Good.”

Reese: “Oh, yeah Mom, I meant to ask you…”

“Can I go to the Bel Biv Devoe concert with Leslye and Cally?”

Mom: “Who’s going to take you?”

Reese: “Leslye’s dad.”

Mom: “Fine. As long as it’s not me.”

Reese [walks away]: “YES!”

“Poooiii-sooonnnn!!! Never trust a big butt and a smile!”

© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger Amadeo said...

Ah the days of innocence...

8:04 PM  
Blogger Jomama said...

I so agree with you. I grew up listening to that and worse (misogynistic gansta rap, Lil Kim, Southern "booty" music) and I turned out ok.

7:12 AM  
Blogger Karla said...

The good old days.

9:10 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Push it real good.

I recall my buddy's lil sister singing "Sex SHooter" when she was 6 or 7. "Um, does she know what she's singing?"
They shrugged it off as "cute" also.

I didn't have a HEathers reference in my last post, but I'll tell you my all time favorite line from it.

"Seems to be an open door policy on assholes though."

9:31 AM  
Blogger Robyn said...

I still remember the time my little sister insisted on playing that dance type song "Speed Racer" (you know, he's a demon on wheels?).

For my grandmother.

I still get the red cheeks of embarrasment whenever I think of it.

5:45 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Before I even read this post, I just wanted to say, you look like a hot momma in your new pic.


Ok, I'll be back.

1:28 AM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Ha! I'm sure I was singing along to this songs too! I loved Push It. Didn't help that my mom loved it too.

I wanna smack my little brother and sister when they're singing these songs these days though...

1:32 AM  
Blogger This Girl I Used to Know said...

I love the assumption that kids don't know what they are singing.

Yes they do, people!

12:39 PM  
Blogger not Alisa said...

You go girl

1:05 PM  

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