Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Something Different World News Today

And now, from the world headquarters of Something Different in Miami, Florida, your ace reporter, Karma…


Karma: [sighing]

Reese [whispering loudly from the set]: “C’MON KARMA! DO IT! DO IT!!”

Karma: “No! We could at least try to be a somewhat legitimate news organization. We could at least try to be objective!”

Reese: “DO IT, KARMA, OR YOU’RE FIRED!!!”

Karma: “What?!? I’m fired?!? Do you know what will happen to you if I get fired?”

Reese [whining like a Dallas Mavericks fan]: “KARRRRMMMMAAAAA!!”

Karma: “Oh, fine! Stop whining like a Dallas Mavericks fan. I’ll do it!!”

Reese: “YES!!”


Karma: “Ahem…”

“Good morning everyone. We interrupt the important activities of RAL to bring you full, totally objective, completely unbiased, and in no way “bandwagonish” coverage of the Miami Heat winning the 2006 NBA Championship!”

“We are all over this story. From Dallas to Biscayne Boulevard and in between. To begin things, let’s go to Poor Working Girl at the American Airlines Center in Dallas. Poor Working Girl?”


Poor Working Girl (PWG): “Good morning, Karma and our international audience. Before I begin I just want to say that I in no way had anything to do with this report. A report which, by the way, will quickly become a diatribe on just how much Dallas sucks it. So, for the purposes of salvaging my dignity, I’m just going to read from the script that our “ultra-producer,” Haruhi rip-off artist, Reese the Law Girl, wrote.”

Karma: “We completely understand, PWG.”

PWG: “Karma, I’m here at American Airlines Center where, last night, the Miami heat won game 6 and became the world champions of basketball!”

Karma: “Uhh, excuse me PWG, but didn’t the Heat play Dallas? Isn’t that a team only a few states away from Florida? How are the Heat now the world champions? That doesn’t make any sense!”

PWG: “Reading from the script, Karma. Reading from the script.”

Karma: “Oh, right.”

PWG: “Yes, the game was a thriller! The Heat played with strength, athleticism, and dominance while the Mavericks played like a bunch of punks, whining and crying their way through the series like a bunch of wussified Korean Olympians…”

Karma: “What?”

PWG: “…temper tantrium their way through the NBA finals…”

Karma: “Wussified? Temper Tantrium? Reese is just making up words now.”

PWG: “Never before in my young life have I witnessed a team disintegrate into the pit of suckiness that Dallas fell into over the last week and a half. From their on court tantrums about officiating to their off court tantrums about officiating, this Dallas team completely sucks it. Really, they should be ashamed and demand to be ousted from the NBA.”

Karma: “Uhhh, PWG, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this report supposed to be about the Heat winning? You sure are taking a lot of time talking about how much Dallas sucks it.”

PWG: “Reading. From. The. Script.”

Karma: “Right, right. Sorry.”

PWG: “Where was I…off court tantrums…Dallas team completely sucks it…ousted from the NBA…oh, okay, here we go…”

“To prove how much Dallas sucks, we have a scientist who analyzed everyone affiliated with the Dallas Mavericks on the Suck-O-Meter. Scientist, what did you find?”


Scientist [wearing a Miami Heat STAFF t-shirt]: “Well, after analyzing the Dallas Mavericks organization we found that the following people suck it:”

“Mark Cuban: he sucks.”

“Avery Johnson: he sucks.”

“Darrell Armstrong, Erick Dampier, Marquis Daniels: they suck.”

“DeSagana Diop, Adrean Griffin, and Devin Harris: they also suck.”


Karma: “Excuse me Scientist, but aren’t you just naming off the entire Dallas Mavericks’ roster?”


Scientist: “Josh Howard, Didier Iilunga-Mbenga, and Dirk Nowitzki: these guys especially suck.”

“Jerry Stackhouse: he sucks big time.”

“Josh Powell, Jason Terry, and Keith Van Horn: they suck a little less, but they still suck.”

“So, as you can see, on the Suck-O-Meter, the Dallas Mavericks really do suck.”


PWG: “Fascinating work, Scientist. Fascinating.”

Karma [rolls eyes]: “Uhh, yeah, fascinating. Before we move on, is there anything else you need to read from the script PWG?”

PWG: “Nothing, other than ‘Miami…rules…and…Dallas…Mavericks…can kiss my…’”

Karma [interrupts]: “Moving on! Now for the play-by-play, we go to our sports reporter, Ancient Chinese Master, for detailed coverage of what actually happened at the game. Ancient Chinese Master.”

Ancient Chinese Master (ACM): “Karma, what a thrilling and exciting game this was. The students of Pat Riley worked their hardest to accomplish the ultimate goal. I can only hope that one day my student will do the same for me…”

PWG: “Ummm…I’m still on the feed, but ACM, did you just say something halfway nice about me?”

ACM: “Yes, I can only hope that one day I can ditch my pathetic student and score a skilled and masterful student who will accomplish the ultimate goal…”

PWG [sighing]: “I knew it was too good to be true.”

ACM: “Yes, one day I will toss my sad, sad, pathetic student for a good student who will do like the Miami Heat and capture the ultimate goal for her teacher…”

PWG: “Hello! I’m still here!! I’m still on the feed! I can hear you ACM!!!”

ACM [looking wistfully at the sky]: “…one day…”

Karma: “Will someone please cut PWG’s feed? This is just cruel…”

PWG: “God, I hate you ACM. I swear, I’m coming to Miami and I’m going to shove this microphone up your… [cut]…”

Karma: “Oh, wow. We cut her off just in time.”

“Now, ACM, why don’t you actually tell us about the game?”


ACM: “Oh, yes. Well, the Miami Heat really dominated the game last night. They never gave up, rallied together, played as a team, and…”

Karma: “Gave Dwayne Wade the ball?”

ACM: “Yes, they always gave Dwayne Wade the ball. When Shaq was getting double teamed, they made sure Dwayne Wade got the ball. When Shaq was out of the game, and Wade was double, and even triple teamed, the Heat still made sure they gave Dwayne Wade the ball. And, when the entire team went to Starbucks for Iced Mocha Lattes during the third quarter, they made sure they gave Wade the ball and told him they would be back in 15 minutes.”

Karma: “But still, it was really a team effort, wasn’t it? I mean, Haslem, Mourning, Walker, Peyton, Williams, all these guys had key minutes and key plays.”

ACM: “Yes, and their most important plays were the ones involving giving Dwayne Wade the ball.”

Karma: “And what of the Dallas Mavericks, ACM? They had a stellar season this year. Is there anything that they did right that they can build on for a run at the title next year?”

ACM: “No. Nothing.”

Karma: “You’re telling me that they did nothing right and that there are no positives out of this for the Mavericks?”

ACM: “Yes.”

Karma: “Well, then, I guess that’s that. Moving on…”

Reese [whispering loudly from the set]: “KARRRMMMAAA!!! YOU FORGOT TO ASK THE THING!!”

Karma: “Why are you doing this to me, Reese?”

Reese: “KAAARRRRMMMMAAAA!!!”

Karma: “Quit it! I can’t stand your whining imitation of Mark Cuban!”

“Gawd…”

“Okay, ACM, isn’t there someone else, totally and completely unrelated to the 2006 NBA finals, who also registers high on the Suck-O-Meter now that Shaquille O’Neal has won a fourth NBA championship?”


ACM: “What?”

Karma [sighing]: “Someone else, who really has nothing to do with this, but is on our “ultra-producer’s” list and therefore will always get mentioned in a negative light on this program. Someone who the viewers should be reminded of sucks big time?”

ACM: “Ummm…”

Reese [passes a piece of paper to ACM]: “PSSSST!! HERE, ACM!!”

ACM [reading from script]: “Oh…uhhh…”



“Kobe…Bryant…Sucks…The Most…Of All…Shaq Got His 4th Ring First…”



Karma [sighing heavily]: “Thanks, ACM, for that…whatever, “that” was…”


“Alright, let’s go to Biscayne Boulevard now where we have social reporter and syphilis carrier…”

DJ: “YO, THAT’S WHACK, KARMA!!!”

Karma: “…DJ reporting on the parade details. DJ?”

DJ: “ON THE REAL, I CAN’T STAND YO AZZ, KARMA!!!”

Karma: “The feeling is mutual, DJ.”

DJ: “PSST, YEAH YOU BETTAH WATCH YO SELF, KARMA! YOU BETTAH WATCH YO SELF!”

Karma [closing her eyes]: “I’m getting bored, DJ. Do the report.”

DJ [talking under his breath]: “Just wait ‘till I report Yo malicious azz to God. I’m going straight to the G-O-D…”

Karma [suddenly waking up]: “What?!? WHAT?!?!”

DJ: “Yo, Yo, Yo!!! I’m standing outside the triple A where plans are being made for the parade. Now as ya’ll already know, aftah game 2, the Dallas Mavericks, Dallas city officials, and Kevin Sherrington of the Dallas Morning News were all planning some big ole throw down parade even tho’ the series wasn’t even close to finishin’ yet. But, what them fools didn’t know waz that their party plans would light a flame up the Heat’s @$$!!!”

Karma: “I hear that’s what syphilis feels like.”

DJ: “OH, KEEP IT UP, KARMA!!! I’M JUST BUILDIN’ MY CASE!!!”

Karma: “What case? You don’t have a case!”

DJ: “Psst!! Oh, you gonna get it! Just wait!”

“Yo, so anyways, instead of the Mav’s getting a parade, Miami is getting a parade. And Something Different World News Today is going to be in the hizzouse for the partay, with exclusive pix and junk, so ya’ll watch for that!”

“But, in the meantime, I’m out! I gotta date with one of them fine @$$ Miami Heat ho’s! Ho’s be looking good in their little salsa outfits”

“COME HERE, HO! I GOT SOMETHING FOR YA!”

Karma: “IT’S CALLED SYPHILIS, HO!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!”

DJ: “AWWW, IT’S ON KARMA!! I’M TAKING YOU OUT!!!”

Karma: “Whatever, man. Whatever.”


“Well, folks, that’s going to do it for our “exclusive coverage” of the Miami Heat: NBA Champions. Tune in at sometime later when and if our “ultra-producer” posts pictures from the Heat parade.”

“Goodbye, and remember, this is all just trash talking people. Don't take it personally."


“Good day everyone!”








© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

6 Comments:

Blogger derek said...

I am glad you use your schitzophrenic powers for good (flaming Kobe Bryant) and not bad (setting Kobe on fire)

2:39 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

ROTFL!

It's true- I'm craaazzzyyy! ;)

7:04 PM  
Blogger derek said...

ACM reminds me of Uncle Grandfather from Perfect Hair Forever (which replaces Aqua Teen as the most f@#$ed up cartoon I have ever seen). Come on...Action Hot Dog? A teenage boy with male pattern baldness? Coiffio?!?!

I actually question my own sanity for liking it...

8:04 PM  
Blogger ManNMotion said...

Congratulations on your impending marriage to Isaiah Washington.

12:49 AM  
Blogger Karla said...

I am so telling orlando about your wedding to Isaiah washington. I will consule him since he will be heart broken after hearing this news,as will be Javi.

1:17 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Thank you, MNM. I appreciate the well wishes. ;)

Karla: You will do no such thing! Stay away from Orlando! And Javi! Stay away!!!

I can see I'm going to have to come to Denver and take care of you. ~scowl~

2:29 PM  

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