Monday, June 19, 2006

Everyday I Become More of a Republican

HA!


When I first started to write this post, it was to say goodbye to Something Different. Recently, I have been feeling like I don’t have anything to say and that maybe I should end SD. But then, out of nowhere, a light bulb hit me in the head and I realized that I have something new to reflect on. So, for the time being, SD is here to stay.


Seriously, don’t worry about SD going away. Really, it’s got another week at least. Here’s what I’m really pissing on about lately…



Everyday that passes by I become more and more of a Republican. Ask “Lisa.” If she was allowed to get on the internet at work she would tell you that I am becoming a Republican. It’s true! My latest republican stance- the environment.


Well, not the whole environment. Just the part involving reptiles.


Now, I am quite aware that Florida’s state animal is an alligator or crocodile or whatever. But, really, Florida needs to be more like Maryland. As in free of alligators and crocodiles and lizards of all kinds. Especially the little ones that like to hang out at my apartment building.


Ask me when I knew that I cared little for the environment and I’ll tell you it was the day that a lizard, the whopping size of a paper clip, crawled underneath my door and into my apartment.


Oh the humanity!!


It’s just not right! Lizards have no place in human habitats! And don’t tell me that we, as humans, are encroaching on their habitat. I’m a human! I need a habitat! If I encroach on a lesser being’s habitat then that being can suck it! I’m big and I live here, so go away!



Now, the raging “liberal” “tree hugging” “hybrid loving” “environmentalist” will tell you that everything in South Florida west of the State Route 441 used to be Everglades. And that the crazy, money grubbing, capitalist humans turned the precious lizards’ home into a Best Buy. And that there’s no place for the lizards to go, so they have to live near us or amongst us. And, if need be, eat us. And, we should all accept it because it’s our fault that this is the current situation.


Now, I don’t know about all that high falutin’ science. Maybe the “liberals” are right. And maybe they’re completely right. But, the point is, there should be no lizards in my apartment!!



Reese: “Lisa, what am I going to do? The lizard has been in here for two days and I haven’t been able to sleep at all! I can’t find it and it’s in here!”

Lisa: “Reese, why are you tripping? It’s not like it’s a rat or something. It’s just a little lizard…”

Reese: “A LITTLE LIZARD?!?! A LITTLE LIZARD?!?!”

Lisa: “Reese…”

Reese: “LIZARDS DO NOT BELONG IN MY APARTMENT!! I’M GOING TO CATCH THAT LITTLE DINOSAUR. AND ALL HIS FAMILY TOO!! I’M A ONE WOMAN EXTINCTION MACHINE!!!”

Lisa: “Sure you are…”



And a one woman extinction machine is what I became. I went on a mission to rid my apartment and the building it’s a part of, of any and all lizards. First, I had to figure out a game plan. So, I asked decade’s long South Florida residents how to get rid of lizards…



First Interview


Reese: “How do you get rid of lizards?”

South Florida Resident #1: “But, why ever would you want to get rid of lizards? Lizards are our friends…”

Reese: “Ooookaaayyy….”



Second Interview


Reese: “How do you get rid of lizards?”

South Florida Resident #2: “You don’t get rid of lizards, man! They are a part of our environment. You let them in your apartment and they eat the spiders. Circle of life mannnnnn!!! Circle. Of. Life.”



Third Interview


Reese: “For the love of God, will someone please tell me how to get rid of lizards?!?!”

South Florida Resident #3: “RAID.”

Reese: “That’ll work.”



So, after purchasing several cans of RAID, I was ready and armed to take that nasty little sucker out. Now, for a minute, I contemplated how my actions would hurt the environment. I reflected back on everything I was taught by my “godless” educators who practiced the religion of “liberalism” which is, evidently, a religion without a god. Anyhoo, I reflected on that.

The best I could figure, by me killing the intruding lizard, I would somehow disrupt the delicate balance that is the “circle of life.” Ying and Yang would somehow become Ping and Pong and the apocalypse would come upon the Earth. But then I thought that I’m totally cool with Armageddon coming as that would totally do everyone a favor by ending this madness that we call “life.” Thus, I armed myself with RAID and went hunting.




Reese [on the phone with “Lisa”]: “Oh, I’m gonna catch it! And when I do, BAM! To the toilet with ya’ you little lizard!”

Lisa: “Oh, geez…”

Reese: “When I find the little…”

“Oh. My. God.”


Lisa: “What? What?!?”

Reese [whispering]: “I see it. I see the lizard. Ohhhhhh, so gross!!!!”

Lisa: “Just spray it with the RAID!!”

Reese: “I can’t! The RAID is in the bathroom and the lizard is directly in front of the bathroom door. If I go over there, he’ll get scared and run away and then I’ll never find him!

Lisa: “Why is the RAID in the bathroom?!? I thought you were on a mission!?! The RAID should be in your hands at all times!!!”

Reese: “DON’T ASK ME STUPID QUESTIONS!!!”

Lisa: [sigh]

Reese: “Okay, okay, okay. It’s just a little lizard. Stay right where I can see you little lizard. Stay right there…

Lisa: “What are you doing?”

Reese: “I can’t get to the RAID, so I’m going to spray it with this sneaker cleaner.

Lisa: “Sneaker cleaner?”

Reese: “Be very, very quiet. I’m hunting lizards.

Lisa: “For crying out loud…”

Reese: “I GOT HIM!!! I GOT HIM!!! OH, OH, HE’S RUNNING INTO THE BATHROOM!! NOW I CAN GET THE RAID!!!”

Lisa: “Uh-huh…”

Reese [grabs the RAID and sprays the lizard]: “YES!! DIE!!! DIE YOU ROTTEN SCUM!! DIE!!! DIE!!!”

Lisa: “Uh, Reese…”

Reese [continues spraying the lizard with RAID]: “DIE!!!! DIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!”

Lisa: “Reese!”

Reese [emptying the bottle of RAID]: “DIE… *cough* … DIE, YOU… *cough* …YOU… *cough* …”

Lisa: “REESE! YOU’RE GOING TO POISON YOURSELF!!! STOP SPRAYING THE RAID!!! I’M SURE THE LIZARD IS DEAD!!!”

Reese [dizzy]: “Eh…maybe you’re right…so…yeah…it’s dead…it’s…I’m feeling a little woozy here…”

Lisa: “You idiot!”

Reese: “I…I gotta…I gotta get rid of the body…”

Lisa: “Yeah, you do that. I’ve got trial calendar in the morning, so peace out!”

Reese: “Peace…man…dude…you know what?”

Lisa: “What Reese?”

Reese: “Lizards are like…like…so gross…”

Lisa: “GOODBYE!!”



And that’s the story of how I got high off of RAID.



No wait, that’s not it…



No, that’s the story of how I killed the lizard. But, my quest is far from over! While I caught the lizard in my apartment, there are still many other lizards living in South Florida. And I will not just stand here and let them live, you know, alive and such. Thus, I now support any and all legislators who wish to destroy the environment that contains reptiles.

Reptiles have no place on Earth. In fact, it was a reptile that was responsible for ruining everything for us humans anyways (see Genesis)!


Circle of life my @$$! From this point on, I am changing my political affiliation from non-existent to Republicans Against Lizards (RAL)!!


All lizards!!! Fear the mighty RAL! We are armed with RAID!!! We will take you out!!




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

5 Comments:

Blogger KOM said...

Maybe you should make a tiny pike and display the lizard's head somehwere near your front door. That should be a pretty clear sign.

BTW, aren't yin-yang and ping-pong pandas? I think I'd prefer a lizard in my house than a panda... 'cause panda's don't eat bugs.

2:33 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

You're MEAN Reese! Why would you wanna kill a defenseless little lizard? I'm protesting your website. Lizard killer. >:/

4:15 PM  
Blogger Amadeo said...

and in the backround Taps played softly...

7:38 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

Down with lizard's...ummm if you were to come and visit us in Denver you would see that there are no Lizard's in people's homes. Just a thought. El Papi Chulo list part 5 is up.

10:56 PM  
Blogger This Girl I Used to Know said...

Watch out, Godzilla hasn't hit Miami yet... he might be out there in the ocean waiting for you!

7:37 AM  

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