Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Burnin' Down the House

July 3, 2006


1:00am


I-495 a.k.a. The Beltway



Mom: “OH MY GOD!! THIS IS MY ENTIRE FAULT!! I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE COOKED THOSE RIBS!!!”

Reese [wheezing]: “Mom…it’s okay…just drive…”

Mom: “…ALL MY FAULT!!!”

Reese [hacking]: “…oh man, I feel awful…”

Mom: “OH MY GODDDDD!!!!”

Reese [taking deep breaths]: “Moommm…just…drive…”





July 3, 2006

1:30am

Suburban Hospital

Bethesda, Maryland



Mom: “OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!”

Doctor: “Ma’am you’re going to have to calm down.”

Reese [wheezing]: “Yeah…Mom….chill…out…”

Doctor: “Okay, Ms. Law Girl. Give me the facts…”

Mom: “IS SHE GOING TO LIVE!?!?!”

Doctor: “You know, Ma’am, why don’t you wait outside…”

Reese [wheezing]: “Yeah…Mom…go…outside…”

Mom: “ARE YOU SURE?”

Reese & Doctor: “YES!!!”

Mom [rolls eyes]: “Alright, alright!”

Doctor: “Okay, Ms. Law Girl, what happened?”

Reese: “Well…it’s…like…this…”




My mother…and my sister…had just…picked me up from the airport…we had just got in the house…





June 30, 2006

10:00pm

Reese’s Mom’s House



CC: “Oh, man I’m so glad it’s the holiday weekend! No work for me! And no working with my wiggidy-whack boss!! I can’t stand that witch!!”

Reese: “Uh-huh…”

Mom: “Well, Reese you’re finally home. This is going to be a good weekend.”

Reese: “Yeah, sure.”

Mom: “Oh, I’m glad you’re so excited.”

Reese: “Yeah, whatever. Being in Maryland tops being in Miami’s sweltering heat right now. So, it’s cool.”

Mom [rolls eyes]: “Well, it’s so good that you’re happy to see us.”

Reese: “Yeah, you know, whatever.”

“So, CC, did you watch any new Haruhi yet?”


CC: “No.”

Reese: “NO?!?”

CC: “Nope.”

Reese: “NO?!?”

CC: “Nope.”

Reese: “WHY NOT?!? HARUHI IS THE GREATEST!!!”

CC: “I concede that Haruhi is great. But, I gotta work. I got money to make. Besides, why should I download new Haruhi episodes when I can just wait for you to come home and bring your laptop which contains all the Haruhi episodes I missed?”

Reese: “YOU CAN’T MESS WITH HARUHI!! YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT WHEN IT COMES OUT!!”

CC: “I’ll watch it sometime this weekend!”

Reese: “YOU’LL WATCH IT NOW!!!”

Mom [yelling from the kitchen]: “Reese…CC…I’m cooking these ribs on the stove right now because the meat has been in the fridge for a while. I don’t want it to go bad. Remind me to turn it off later so it won’t burn…”

CC: “I’LL WATCH HARUHI THIS WEEKEND!!”

Reese: “YOU’LL WATCH IT NOW!!!”

CC: “LEAVE ME ALONE, WEIRDO!!!”

Reese: “WATCH IT NOW!!”

Mom [yelling from the kitchen]: “DID YA’LL HEAR ME?!?!”

CC: “NO, I’LL WATCH IT LATER!!!”

Reese: “WATCH IT NOW!!”

Mom: “DID YA’LL HEAR ME?!?!”

Reese & CC [who clearly did not hear anything their Mother said]: “Yeah, yeah, we hear you Mom.”

Mom [sighing]: “Stupid kids fighting over some cartoons.”



Anyways, later…that night…I woke up…in the middle of the night…‘cause…you know…I had to go to the bathroom…

ANYWAYS…when I got up I heard…all this sizzling and crackling…like someone was cooking. I thought…that was kind of weird…




Reese [half-asleep]: “Man…who’s cooking at 3:00 in the morning? Weird…”




But…it wasn’t weird enough…to remember anything…my mother had said…earlier that evening. So, I just said…“whatever”…and went back to bed.


I guess…it was…a couple of hours later…when I woke up because…of this…horrendous smell…in my bedroom…



Reese: “What is that horrendous smell in my bedroom?”


“Gawd! Someone is cooking something horrible. Oh, I have to do something…”


“Maybe if I put the blanket over my nose…”


“Okay, that doesn’t work. How about turning my body to the west- away from the kitchen.”


“Nope, that’s not working…”


“Oh, gawd! I’m going to have to do it…”


“I’m going to have to get out of bed and spray some air freshener! Great! This is just great!!!”



So, I open my bedroom door and…



Reese: “OH. MY. GOD.”

“MOM!!! EVERYONE WAKE UP!!!! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!! THERE’S SMOKE EVERYWHERE!!!”



So, everyone wakes up. My mom yells…



Mom: “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!”



Except that… I can’t…get out of the house. My mom has…one of those deadbolts that locks….with a key from the inside. And…of course the key…was not in the door…



Reese [coughing]: “I can’t…[cough]…open the door…[cough]…”

CC [yelling from her bedroom]: “REESE, COME BACK HERE IN MY ROOM!!!”

Reese [running into CC’s bedroom]: “Why…[cough]…are you still back here?”

CC [casually]: “There’s no smoke in this room.”

Reese: “What?!?!”

CC: “There’s no smoke. Do you smell any smoke, Usaugi?”

(note: Usaugi is CC’s useless Siberian Husky who never barked throughout this whole incident)


Usaugi: “…”

Reese [coughing]: “We…have to…get out of here…”

Mom: “REESE!! CC!!! THE FRONT DOOR IS OPEN!!! GET OUT!!!”



So, we get out of the house. Turns out…the house was not on fire…just a lot of smoke…but, basically…the smoke…has rendered me…incapacitated…



Doctor: “So, why didn’t your mother or sister end up in the hospital? Why just you?”

Reese [wheezing]: “Well, my bedroom…was the closest…to the kitchen…I had been…breathing in the smoke…for hours…”

Doctor: “And what about the smoke detectors?”

Reese: “My mom…just bought…this house…she thought the smoke detectors worked…she…was…wrong…”

Doctor: “And why are you just coming into the hospital now? This happened several days ago?”

Reese: “Well…my mother said…I probably was just…suffering from…allergies…”

Doctor: “Have you ever had allergies this bad before?”

Reese: “Sort of…I had all the coughing…and sneezing…and stuffiness…although…this would be…the first allergy attack…where I couldn’t…breathe…”

Doctor: “So let me get this straight- basically, your mother set the house on fire…”

Reese: “Technically…the house…was not…on fire…”

Doctor: “…trapped you in the house so you couldn’t get out, and then convinced you were just suffering from allergies where you have a 101 degree fever and can’t breathe?”

Reese: “Well…yes…”

Doctor: “Ms. Law Girl, in cases where I suspect violence or abuse I have to report the incident to the police.”

Reese: “Doctor…if I could breathe…I would be laughing…at the idea…that my Mother…tried to kill me…”

Doctor: “Are you sure your Mother didn’t try to kill you Ms. Law Girl? She practically admitted it when you came in.”

Reese: “No…she did not…try to kill me…”

Doctor: “Well, Ms. Law Girl, it’s pretty clear that you are suffering from smoke inhalation. I’m going to have you take some chest X-rays to make sure you don’t have pneumonia or a blood clot on account of your broken foot and your recent air travel. But, barring anything like that, I’m pretty sure you have a case of smoke inhalation.”

Reese: “So, what do…I do to…get over this?”

Doctor: “Go home, sleep for the next couple of days. Drink lots of water and take this inhaler that I’m going to prescribe for you. Follow up with your doctor when you get back to Miami.”

Reese: “Okay…”

Doctor: [silent]

Reese: “MY…MOTHER…DID NOT TRY…TO KILL ME…YOU WATCH…TOO MUCH…LIFETIME!!!”

Doctor [sigh]: “The victim always tries to protect the abuser…”

Reese: “MY…MOTHER…IS NOT…A KILLER!!!”

Doctor [heavy sigh & shaking her head]: “That’s what they all say.”

Reese: “SHE..DID NOT…TRY TO KILL ME!!!”

Doctor: “Yes, yes, sure Ms. Law Girl. Sure.”

Reese: “Oh…you suck…so much…doctor…you suck…so much…”





Later that Day

1:00pm

Reese’s Mom’s House




CC: “REESE!!! WAKE UP!!! I WANT TO WATCH SOME HARUHI!!!”

Reese [half-asleep]: “What…CC, I’m on bed rest…leave me alone…”

CC: “Bed rest? Get your lazy butt up and set up the Haruhi episodes for me!!”

Reese: “CC!!! I HAVE TO REST!!! YOU KNOW I WENT TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM LAST NIGHT!!!”

CC: “You went to the hospital last night?”

Reese: “YES!!!”

CC: “I didn’t know that. Usaugi, did you know Reese was in the hospital last night?”

Usaugi: “…”

Reese: “CC…take yourself…and your stupid, useless dog out of my room!!!”

CC: “Okay, okay, we’ll be back in an hour to watch some Haruhi. C’mon Usaugi!”

Usaugi: “…”

Reese [sighing]: “Something is very wrong with my life.”




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

8 Comments:

Blogger This Girl I Used to Know said...

You could have just told that doctor you were an attorney - that would have shut him up!

7:51 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Lol! I try not to scare the doctors when it comes to my medical treatment. Whenever I mention that I'm an attorney, they get scared and make mistakes. Which, of course, leads to threats of litigation. It's really a vicious cycle. ;)

8:01 AM  
Blogger Juicy77 said...

Wow Reese, Glad you're okay (happy belated bday btw). That doc was ready to go all Stockholm Syndrome on you and call social services. ROTFL! ;o)

10:47 AM  
Blogger Jessica R. said...

Reese!! what an ordeal - i'm glad you're ok now. atleast i hope you're oK!!

And what up w/ the doctor - he needs to be sued - false accusations =)~
I lose hope in doctors more and more each day!!

11:58 AM  
Blogger derek said...

I am so wrong...I was laughing at CC's useless dog.

Reese, your storytelling skills make me laugh...even though I don't want to laugh at your shortcomings.

Maybe you should have made a comment about asses and suing to the doctor. That seems to go over well ;-).

I hope you didn't have two much fun on your (BEEEEEP) birthday.

Ok, where did that censor come from?

7:04 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

Reese!!!! girl i am glad that you are ok. Man that doctor was something else.

When i was five my mom burned me with an iron. I had a second degree burn on my arm. To this day my mom claims it was a "mistake" but i know the truth :)

The Doctors in NY suck because they did not say a thing, they just patched me up and sent me home. Hmm i should write out the rest of that story on my blog. It is actually pretty funny.

8:53 PM  
Blogger KOM said...

So how were the ribs?

11:27 AM  
Blogger Robyn said...

That sucks! I hope you are feeling better.

9:51 AM  

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