Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Life is So Hard When You're an Attorney: Reason #2

Reason #2 that life is so hard for attorneys has a lot to do with what I like to call “foot in mouth” disease. It’s also closely related to “everyone hates attorneys” disease…

Mary: “I cannot wait for this divorce to be finalized!”

Sally: “When will it be finalized?”

Mary: “I don’t know! My lawyer won’t tell me.”

Reese: “What do you mean your lawyer won’t tell you?”

Mary: “I called to ask her what the progress was on our divorce after we conducted the settlement conference…”

Reese: “Uh-huh…”

Mary: “…and she refuses to call me back!”

Sally [has no idea Reese is an attorney]: “Typical.”

Reese: “Typical?”

Mary: “And you know she had the nerve to report me to a collection agency for my bill!!”

Sally: “Figures.”

Reese: “Whoa, whoa, wait. Why did she report you to a collection agency?”

Mary: “Oh, because I haven’t paid her in several months.”

Reese: “Why?”

Mary: “Because I don’t feel I should pay her until the divorce is final.”

Reese: “But, didn’t you agree, when you hired her, to pay her at certain times or intervals?”

Mary: “Oh yes, we had a billing schedule, but I decided not to pay her.”

Sally: “And why should you pay her! She won’t even return your phone calls!”

Reese: “But, she won’t return her phone calls because Mary won’t pay her.”

Mary & Sally: “Yeah, so?”

Reese: “Ummm, okay, I’m confused.”

Sally: “Reese, you just don’t understand. You’re naïve. Don’t you know anything about lawyers?”

Reese: “Well, as I am a law…”

Sally [interrupting Reese]: “Lawyers are the scum of the earth!”

Reese [intrigued]: “Really?”

Mary: “Uhhh, Sally…”

Sally: “No, wait Mary, let me finish.”

“Reese, lawyers are liars. Think about it. How else can you go in front of a room full of people and defend someone you know is a criminal…”

Reese: “Well, you know not every person being defended is guilty…”

Sally: “I mean, how could someone defend a criminal?!?”

Reese: “…also, not every attorney specializes in criminal law…”

Sally: “We’re talking about people who want our streets filled with murderers!!”

Reese: “I thought we were talking about a divorce attorney?”

Sally [paying no attention to Reese]: “And, all lawyers care about is money…”

Mary [who knows Reese is an attorney and is trying desperately to get Sally’s foot out of her mouth]: “Uhhh, Sally, I really think you should…”

Reese: “Mary, please, let Sally continue.”

Sally: “Thank you, Reese.”

“Now, as I was saying, all lawyers care about is money! They would do anything for it! They lie, cheat, and steal for it!”

Reese: “Are we talking about the criminal attorney or the civil attorney?”

Sally: “What? I don’t know! It doesn’t matter, they’re all the same!!”

Reese: “Yes, yes, okay go on.”

Sally: “Anyway, that’s all lawyers want- money! And they’ll lie to get it. Now, I don’t know if that’s how their parents raised them, but I do know that the law schools teach them to be lying bastards!”

Reese: “Really? Like there’s a “lying course.” Like “Lying 101?”

Sally: “Pretty much.”

Reese: “Are you serious?”

Sally: “Yes, they actually take classes that test them on lying. I saw it on the news somewhere.”

Reese: “Was it Fox News?”

Sally: “Hmmm, it might have been…”

Reese: [about to go in for the kill]

Mary: “Reese, before you say anything, I just want to say that Sally’s opinions are not my own.”

Reese: “I understand, Mary.”

Sally: “What?”

Reese [in ultra sarcastic mode]: “Sally, you know, you really have taught me a lot about lawyers. Sometimes, I just feel like I’ve been so sheltered my whole life, I just don’t know about these things…”

Sally: “Yeah, I pegged you for being naïve about this kind of stuff…”

Reese: “But, there’s still something that bothers me about all this…”

Sally: “What is it?”

Reese: “Well, call me crazy, but gee golly, I remember in law school that “Lying 101” was specifically a secret course; and the outside world was supposed to never know about it for fear that they would attempt to thwart our plans of taking over the universe…”

Sally [face begins to redden]: “Uhhh…you went to law school?”

Reese: “How exactly did you figure all that stuff out about us? Us attorneys? Present company included?”

Sally [glowing red]: “Uhhh…you’re an attorney?”

Reese: “Yes, and I’m afraid that as an officer of the court, I’m going to have to kill you. I mean, now that you know all of our secrets…”

Mary: “Okay, Reese…”

Reese: “Maybe I’ll hire one of those murderers on the street that I let loose…”

Sally: “Uhhh…”

Reese: “Seeing as how I haven’t met my body count quota for the month, it may be a good idea…”

Mary [laughing slightly]: “Reese, leave the poor girl alone.”

Sally: “Uhhh…I didn’t know that you were…”

Reese: “A lying bastard?”

Sally: “Ohhh…uhhh…”

Reese: “A money grubbing murderer lover?”

Sally: “Ohh…uhhh…I didn’t mean you Reese, just some lawyers…”

Reese: “No, you said all lawyers.”

Sally: “Ohhh…uhhh…geesh…this is so embarrassing.”

Reese: “Yes, it is…for you.”

Sally: “I’m sorry.”

Reese: “Yes, well, we can’t all have common sense.”

Mary: “…”

Sally: “…”

Reese [rolls eyes]: “Well, this is old. I’ll see you two later.”

Mary: “Oh, are you going to Macy’s for that sale?”

Reese: “Yeah, but first I’m going to stop by the court house and see if there are any baby killers looking to get out of holding before three.”

Sally [feeling really bad]: “Ohhhhh…I’m soooo sorrrrry!!!”

Reese: “Psssh! Whatever.”

© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger This Girl I Used to Know said...

My boss is an attorney (well, he's not a practicing attorney, being as how he's my boss and all, but he's licensed to practice in New York and all that).

I like to tweak him with the occasional "those damn lawyers" line, but, you know, the difference is, I'm only joking.

Also, um, I think that "Lying 101" is part of the business program now... They had to take it out of law school when FOX found out about it :)

7:39 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

First, before Jessica asks ;), I'm going to say that yes, this was a real conversation. You would be surprised at the things that people say to me on a daily basis. And, aside from certain editing changes so that ya'll would understand what's going on, this converation really did happen.

Of course, it's also difficult to convey the tone in which I responded to said person's silliness. If it helps, picture my voice getting considerably louder after I disclosed that I actually graduated from law school. ;)

Girlie: Yeah, you know my dad always has a lawyer joke to tell (actually, it's always the same one- something about light bulbs and lawyers at the bottom of the ocean). Anyways, jokes are cool. But, some people just don't have any good sense and get into over-generalizations that piss me off to no end!


Anyways, I have some outlines for "Lying 101" if you need some extra study help. ;)

8:12 AM  
Blogger Jessica R. said...

haha - what are you trying to say Reese - GEEZ!!

Ok consider me a fool because I KNOW you've said this before but i'm going to ask you to repeat - the difference between a lawyer and an attorney!!!

I hear you though on people and stereotypes - in the businessness I'm in a deal with a lot of "brokers" - not stock brokers or anything - but regardless it's those few individuals that really ruin it for the whole bunch - cuz pretty often you'll find us saying "i hate brokers" - meanwhile one of my closest co-workers that sits across from me - is a broker for our company haha.

12:30 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Aww, Jess, I'm just messin' around. But, I knew you were going to ask if the convo really happened. I could FEEL the question coming. ;)

To answer your other question, a lawyer is someone who has graduated from law school. An attorney is someone who has graduated from law school AND has a bar license to practice law in a particular state or federal court.

Most people use the terms interchangeably. I do too. But, most of the time you'll hear me say my occupation is attorney. It's 'cause I'm a snob and want credit for my bar license. ;)

1:05 PM  
Blogger KOM said...

Wait a second...

I might have to read that again. Was somebody defending divorce lawyers??

1:10 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Kom: Hahaha, funny. >p~~~

But, seriously, this divorce lawyer didn't deserve the bad rap she was getting. So yeah, I was defending her. ;)

2:01 PM  
Blogger Amadeo said...

I think we can agree on this: people love a good tax attorney.

1:39 PM  

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