Saturday, March 05, 2005

Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 36 to Day 90

Check Your Baggage at the Door.

Hola, muchachos y muchachas y recepción (I used Microsoft Translator) to our latest installment of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship.

When we last left our couple, they were…

Wait, I forgot what they were doing. It’s been a while.

Let me go back and read the last installment.

[Reese Reading to Herself] Okay, there’s some sinning, and some more sinning, some fornication, and… Oh, yea, “I love you.”

Okay, so, when we last left our couple, they were in love. Well, one of them was in love. The other one (you know, the one that’s not real) was avoiding love.

Well, now that our couple is busy in “semi-love,” as I like to call it, they’ve also decided to open up a little bit more about their past relationships. And, sense they’re opening up about their past relationships with each other, then they’re also opening up about their past relationships with us.

It’s nice to share, isn’t it?

Now, unlike our past look into our couple's very jacked up relationship, this time we're going to do something a little different. It's called a "Blog Flashback." Yes, we will actually go back in time and see what Lisa and Mike were up to before they met each other.

Are you ready for the pain and suffering?

Okay, then. Let's go.

[Time Traveling Music]: Dooo-do-doo-do-dooo-do-doo-do-doo-do-doo

Alright, we have arrived in 1994. And, look! There's our anti-heroine Lisa. Now, before we start there's something you should know about Lisa. She’s a very complicated lady. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this or not, but Lisa, she has a fear of commitment; which is puzzling, because for some reason, she always has a boyfriend. And, not just lots of boyfriends; Lisa has lots of long term relationship boyfriends. Just wait. You'll see.

[1994] Thug Boyfriend

Okay, this was Lisa's first boyfriend. And, I mean, really, what can you say? Just look at him.

Baggy pants, dark hoodie, he running from the cops?!?

Yes, that's right folks. Lisa's first boyfriend was a straight up “Gang-sta!”

Now, I know you're judging Lisa's decision making skills on this guy. But, let's cut her some slack. She was just a teeny bopper back then and she learned from her mistake. Now she puts criminals in jail, instead of dating them.

Okay, let's jump a year ahead.

[1995] Random College Boyfriend

Wow. This dude? He looks pretty random. Let me check my notes, and see what I know about him?


Absoultely nothing. Alright, let's move on. The next boyfriend has to be more interesting than this one.

[1996] Random College Boyfriend #2

Huh. I guess not.

[1997] Love of her Life College Boyfriend

Oh, alright. This guy is cool.

Oooo, he's fine.

And, look, he's giving Lisa 12 dozen long stem roses. And...

Wait...What's Lisa doing? Is she breaking up with him?

Cute Guy: "...But, Lisa I love you."

Lisa: "That's all well and good, but you're still annoying. I'm sorry, it's just not going to work out."

Wait, this can't be right? Lisa told me this guy was the love of her life. Let's go forward a little bit and see what the deal is.

1 Month Later...

Lisa: "But, I made a mistake, and I love you. Let's get back together."

Cute Guy [snapping his fingers]: "No, girlfriend, I don't think so! You cut me out once, and you nevah get the good lovin' again."

Lisa: "NOOOO!!!!"

Oh, that's just so pathetic. I guess this is the one Lisa always regretted.

[1998] Love of her Life College Boyfriend #2

Oh, oh! I know this one. This is Wilson. And, before we start discusing Lisa and Wilson, let me just say this one thing:

Wilson, I love you. You need to stop thinking about Lisa and marry me. We could be soooo happy living in your 4 story, 6 bedroom, townhouse complete with flatscreen TV's, pool room, and personalized theater with projector, screen, and black leather seats.

We could be

Call me!

Alright, back to the dumb...I mean delightful girl we know as Lisa.

Lisa and Wilson met in college, of course. And, at first, they were just umm, how can I say this?

Messin’ around?

Yea, you get the point.

But, soon enough, it developed into a caring, loving relationship. Wilson became Lisa’s one true love.

Well, one true love other than the previous boyfriend who was also Lisa's one true love...

I know. Don't ask.

Anyways, for reasons that I still don’t understand to this day, the relationship completely blew up. Again, don’t ask me why, I really don’t know.

Then, for some reason, Lisa and Wilson went back to messin’ around.

And, then back into a relationship for a couple of months before it exploded again. For some reason, according to Lisa, Wilson was annoying. I think Lisa was just afraid. She’s a big scaredy cat most of the time.

She really should be ashamed for stringing Wilson along like she did. Wilson deserved better than that. Someone who could appreciate him and his 4 story, 6 bedroom, townhouse complete with flatscreen TV's, pool room, and personalized theater with projector, screen, and black leather seats.

I could do that Wilson.

I could appreciate you.

Why won't you let me appreciate you!?!?

I love you Wilson!

[Reese composing herself] Ahem. Sorry 'bout that. It's just that I get a little emotional when I think about Wilson.

Moving on...

[1999] Law School Boyfriend

So, Lisa started dating this guy right before she started law school. According to my notes, and my own personal recollection, Lisa dated Greg for about 4 years and their relationship lasted throughout law school.

Although, Lisa was never truly in love with Greg. I told her this for 3 years, but she wouldn’t listen to me. Check it out...

Reese: “I’m curious. Do you love Greg?”

Lisa: “I can’t believe you would ask me that.”

Reese: “Well, the thing is, it seems like he’s really just convenient and not someone you’re in love with.”

Lisa: “Convenient? What kinda person do you think I am?”

Reese: “Well, let’s see. You’re not interested in marrying him. You don’t like to talk to him for long periods of time. His lack of political and world event insight bugs the hell out of you. And, you only think he comes in handy for messin’ around and money for mudslides at T.G.I.F. It seems like a relationship of convenience to me.”

Lisa: “Greg and I have been together for many years. We’re the only couple that is still together despite the ravages of law school. He loves me. He also understands that I don’t want to get married and he’s cool with that.”

Reese: “He asked you what size your ring finger is.”

Lisa: “So? That doesn’t mean anything.”

Reese: “I have no doubt that he loves you. But, do you love him? That’s the question.”

Lisa: “Yes, I love him.”

Reese [laughing]: “No, not like a good friend that you’re attracted to. Are you IN LOVE with him?”

Lisa [pausing]

Lisa: “Of course.”

Reese: “Okay, well then there it is.”

Lisa: “Good, now let’s drop this.”

Reese: “Okay, just one more thing.”

Lisa: “What?”

Reese: “Greg wants to marry you and you’re not in love with him. Just thought you should know.”

Lisa: “I hate you.”

Yea, so in case you actually believe Lisa's denial, you should know that Greg really was in love with Lisa and did want to marry her. So, what do you think happened when Lisa graduated from law school and settled into her new career?

Greg: “ that you're settled into your new career and everything. I think it's time for us to settle down too...into marriage."

Lisa [laughing…nervously]: “Greg, you’re so funny. You know that I don’t want to get married. And, neither do you.”

Greg: “Actually, I said I want to be married by the time I’m 30.”

Lisa: “Right, so you’ve got plenty of time.”

Greg: “I’m 29.”

Lisa: “What? I mean, when I met you, you were 25."

Greg: "Yes, and 4 years later, I'm now 29."

Lisa: "Really? Hmm, where do the years go?"

Greg: "I don't know Lisa."

Lisa: "And neither do I. So, do you think this top is cute enough for my trip to Vegas with my friends?”

Oh, that's so, so sad. Look at Greg. Poor, poor, dejected Greg. He wasn’t ever going to get Lisa down the aisle.

But, I know a secret. Greg got the last revenge.

To make a long story...longer...

Lisa went to Las Vegas with her friends. Partied it up. Met a seriously hot, rich guy that she couldn’t do anything with because she had a boyfriend. Only to get dumped by that same boyfriend, right after she left the hot, rich guy in Las Vegas.

Karma’s not a nice lady, is she?

This brings us to Mike. Boyfriend #7 and Lisa’s new disaster waiting to happen.

So, let's travel back to 2000 and see what Mike is up to...

[crack, fizzle, boom!] Uh, hey! Oh, shoot! Will you look at that? Our time machine is broken. Darnit!

Sorry, guys, but I gotta get this thing fixed.

Tune in next time when we'll examine Mike's baggage in Part 2 of Welcome to a Dysfunctional Relationship: Day 36 to Day 90. Check Your Baggage at the Door.


I was wondering when I would get a "2 parter" in this series. ;)

© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger Mon said...

Love, love, love reading these posts!
Can't wait to hear more about Lisa. (I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt) :)

12:05 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Monica: Thanx! And, I appreciate your faith in my sanity. ;)

8:42 AM  
Blogger Karla said...

I love these post. I can't wait to read about mike's baggage.

10:48 AM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Thank you for making me laugh this morning, in between the coughing and hacking. Can't wait for the next installment, it better be soon!

1:16 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Desiree: No problem. But, I wouldn't count the days, though. I gotta space this series out some.

Karla: Yea, Mike's baggage isn't so nice. He's not such a sweetheart after all.

1:30 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

I forgot to mention, I want to know whats up with you and this crazy crush you had on Wilson! If you were crazy bout him, how come "Lisa" didn't like him?

5:15 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Desiree (by the way, I have this incredible urge to call you Dezzy; I like to make up nicknames for people):

To be fair, I don't really know what Wilson is like. I don't know how old he is or what he does for a living. I don't even remember what he looks like.

I just remember his house. His fabulous, fabulous, house.

It's really a house that is suited perfectly for me. Which is why I think Wilson should marry me. So, I can live in his fabulous, fabulous house.

Wilson's house....

7:17 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Reese, you are too funny. So its about his house. Ok,I guess thats understandable.
You know what, most of my close friends call me dezzy, one of my friends named her dog dezzy too. Weird.

7:29 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Is Jerk of all Trades a Psycho Stalker for mentioning me on his blog?

Concerned Blogger ;)

7:31 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...


LOL! Okay, seriously, my psycho stalker radar did go off a bit.

Well, a lot. But, I didn't say anything, because he seems like a nice guy and my psycho stalker radar goes off a lot.

A lot.

But, I'm sure he's cool.

9:54 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

You are crazy! But super funny so that makes it all ok. I dont think its possible to have a blogger stalker...cause then that would make ME one too, cause I read your blog, Karlas, Caros, and Jerks ALL THE TIME! I am NOT a stalker... well...I mean...I am, but I only stalk Derek Jeter, so hey- you guys are all ok!

1:01 PM  
Blogger Jessica R. said...

Thanks for leaving us hanging!! Can't wait for the next read. This is good stuff.

1:42 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

i need more to get me through my work day!

"dezzy" makes me think of Desi as in Desi Arnaz.....and how i love him.....i know....i'm weird.

okay i'm outtie

2:52 PM  

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