Sunday, July 30, 2006

The Persaud Gene

Scientists have made some silly claim over the last few years that the entire human genome has been mapped. Little do they know that their assertion is incorrect. In fact, there is one DNA-thingy they happened to miss. I call it…

The Persaud Gene.

“What is the Persaud Gene,” you ask? Well, basically, it’s a gene that makes you perfect.

Yes, it’s true! There is an actual gene that makes any person who is its carrier literally perfect. With the Persaud gene, you are born perfectly intelligent, perfectly beautiful, and perfectly poised.

With the Persaud Gene you can wear three inch heels to work everyday and be declared the Queen of Capital Hill. You can also turn an entire college campus of men into your helpless followers. And don’t forget how you can turn down the desperate requests of modeling agencies in order to fulfill a dream to do something else although your not exactly sure what that “else” is.

Yes, the Persaud Gene is a gift. A gift that only three people in the known universe have. And no, you will never get it. Nor will your children or your children’s children. Because you, and they, are unworthy.

Now, let’s not concentrate on your unworthiness of possessing the Persaud Gene. It’s really just a downer to think of such things. And believe me, I feel your pain as I am also unworthy of attaining such genetic perfection. However, I believe it is important to understand the effects of the Persaud gene in order to comprehend the gravity of this biological phenomenon. As I have closely observed at least 1/3 of those who posses the Persaud gene for the last 17 years, I am the most qualified expert to explain to you the scientific effects of genetic perfection.

Effect #1

The first, and most common, effect of the Persaud Gene is making others instantly jealous of your obvious perfection.

When one encounters a bearer of the Persaud Gene in its natural habitat, humans are unable to control what I like to call, “Violent Envy.”

Let’s take a look….

Natural Habitat: The Mall

Sub-Habitat: The Bebe Store

Eliza * (Bearer of the Persaud Gene): “Oh my god, I love these pants. And look, they’re only several hundred dollars! That’s so cheap. I’m totally going to get them and not try them on because I know they will fit me perfectly because I am perfect.”

Non-Perfect Human #1: “OH MY GOD!!!”


Non-Perfect Human #3: “SHE MUST BE DIEEEEE!!!!”

Reese: “Uhhh…Eliza *…let’s hurry up and get out of here. I don’t like the looks of these chicks…”


Of course friends of those who carry the Persaud Gene are immune to the effect known as “Violent Envy.” Unfortunately, after getting to know Persaud Gene carriers, you find out that they are in fact very nice and the “Violent Envy” effect suddenly diminishes.

Well, this is true for at least 2/3rds of those who carry the Persaud Gene. I would go into detail why this doesn’t work for the other third of the carriers, but I’m afraid she might use her governmental powers to have me disbarred.

You think I’m kidding? I’m so not. **

Effect #2

Of course, it goes without mentioning that men bow down and worship the ground that Persaud Gene carriers walk their perfectly expensive Jimmy Choos on. And while this may just be an “annoyance” to Persaud Gene carriers (see Effect #3: Obliviousness), it can turn out to be one heck of an advantage for their friends…

Eliza: “Man, there’s nothing going on tonight.”

Reese: “Yeah.”

Juicy: “It’s the weekend for crying out loud! I can’t believe nothing is going on in DC tonight…”

Random Bouncer [standing on the sidewalk]: “OH. MY. GOD.”

Reese [looking around confused]: “What? What is it?”


Juicy: “Oh, here we go…”

Random Bouncer [speaking ONLY to Eliza]: “Please my lady…”

Eliza: “My lady?!?”

Random Bouncer: “Russell Simmons is having a special, VIP only party here tonight. Please, grace us with your presence by attending the event.”

Eliza: “Uhhh, well how much is it?”

Random Bouncer: “There is no charge! It’s a private party. But, please, you must attend. I want you to come in. You need to come in!!!”

Eliza: “Okay, but what about my friends?”

Random Bouncer: “Oh, there are other people with you? I didn’t even see them…”

Reese: “Unbelievable!”

Random Bouncer: “Yes, yes, they may come too. So long as you enter.”

Eliza: “Well, what do you guys think?”

Juicy: “It’s a Russell Simmons party. There’s nothing else going on tonight. Let’s go!”

Eliza: “Alright, alright we’ll come in.”

Random Bouncer: “Oh thank you! Thank you, oh beautiful one!!”

Eliza: “Yeah, yeah…”


Eliza [walking into party, waving bouncer away]: “Okay, okay! Move, please. Thank you!”

Juicy: “Wow, a Russell Simmons party…”

Reese [looking around]: “Why does everyone look like they just stepped out of The Matrix?”

Eliza: “Oh, god, they’re playing trance music!”

Reese: “I mean this whole place even has that green “Matrix hue” to it.”

Juicy: “Well, it’s something to do. Let’s check it out.”

As I remember it, we spent the whole night people watching and guessing which guys were gay. Although the evening wasn’t the best, there is no way we would have ever gotten into that party without Eliza. Yes, it’s always an advantage to have a Persaud Gene carrier around.

Effect #3

The last effect of the Persaud Gene is the carrier’s constant state of obliviousness. Now this is not to say that bearers of the Persaud Gene are stupid (hello, they are perfectly brilliant- have you been paying attention at all?). However, Persaud Gene carriers often don’t know how lucky they are.

Or perhaps they do, but when you have so many choices you can pretty much do whatever you want. Thus, you don’t feel the urgency to take the first big break that comes your way.

Well, whatever the reason, lets just say that Persaud Gene carriers never jump on the “once in a lifetime offers” like us regular folks would. Probably because those offers aren’t once in a lifetime for someone who has the Persaud Gene…

Eliza [with Reese walking through University of Maryland’s campus]: “So what are you going to do when you graduate Reese?”

Reese: “Well, I was thinking medical school, but now I don’t think so.”

Eliza: “Yeah, I don’t think I’m going to do that “engineering thing” either. Maybe law…”

Reese: “Man, I wish I had some direction.”

Eliza: “Yeah, me too.”

???: “Oh, thank God! I have found thee!!!”

Eliza: “What?? Are you talking to me??”

???: “Yes! I have come today to offer you “the world.”

Eliza: “What?”

???: “I set out to create the most perfectly beautiful, perfectly smart, perfectly poised persons in the world. It took me several hundred years to perfect that gene and then, exactly 19 years ago, I was able to do it. You are the product of all of my hard work!”

Reese: [stunned silence]

Eliza: “Whazza?”

???: “And now that you have reached the age of maturity, I can give you “the world!” Here take it…”

Eliza: “Uhh…no thanks.”

???: “What? Why? You said that “you needed direction.” That was when I knew it was time to give you “the world” so that you could do great things. I will be there to assist you.”

Eliza: “Nah…I don’t want it.”

Reese: “Uhhh…Eliza…”

???: “What do you mean you “don’t want it.” This is a once in a life time opportunity!! I’m literally giving you “the world!”

Eliza: “Yeah, no, I don’t want it. Maybe next time.”

Reese: “Ummm…Eliza…”

???: “But, there won’t be a next time…”

Reese: “Ummm…Eliza…”

Eliza: “Nope. Thanks, anyways.”

Reese: “ELIZA!!!!”

Eliza: “What?!?”

Reese: “Dude…that’s Jesus!!!”

Jesus: [stands in all of his glory looking confused at Eliza]

Eliza: “Oh, what, like that’s supposed to impress me that that’s Jesus?!?”

Reese: [stunned]

Jesus: “I beg of you to take this gift as I will never offer it to you again.”

Eliza: “No way. That’s too heavy. I’ll just go to law school or something.”

Jesus: “Sigh. If there is no convincing you, then I will take my leave…”



Reese: “Hey! What’s so funny?!?”

Jesus: “Oh, I’m so glad I gave you the funny gene and then cursed your life. You are a constant source of amusement for all of us in heaven.”

Reese: “WHAT?!?!”

Jesus: “You’re like the #1 rated human we watch up there!”

Reese: “WHAT?!?!”

Jesus: “My Dad really loves your antics!”

Reese: “WHAT?!?!”

Jesus: “Hey did you know it only took me 5 minutes to make that funny gene or yours? Only 30 seconds to curse you…”

Reese: “WHAT?!?!”

Jesus: “Best entertainment decision I ever made…”

Reese: “WHAT?!?!”

Jesus: “Well, I must go. But fear not, Eliza, I will always be with you.”

Reese: “Hey!! What about me?!?”

Jesus: “Oh, I’ll always be with you too.”

Reese: “Yeah?”

Jesus: “So long as you keep me entertained.”

Reese: “Hey!”

Jesus: “Hehehehe, I can’t wait for the season where you start breaking bones. Those episodes are classics!”

Reese: “WHAT?!?!”

Jesus [ascends into heaven]: “So long…so long…so long…so long…”

Reese: “Unbelievable!!!!”

You know, I’m still bitter about that.


In any case, the Persaud Gene is real. To the lucky three, it grants them powers beyond your wildest imagination. To the lucky few who get to be Persaud Gene carriers’ friends- well, we get to live vicariously through the perfect ones. And for the rest of you…

I don’t know, really. I would give you permission to just let yourself go in a haze of self-hate, but I don’t support such things.

You can go cry into your pillow if you want.

Go ahead. There’s no shame.

* Name has been changed to protect “Eliza” from future stalkers.

** Hey, MP, that’s just a joke. What’s a joke between your sister’s friend and you? Right? Right? Don’t hurt me!

© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger Lez said...

I think there's a certain amount of envy for the funny gene out there too. And it's very good to know that Jesus has a sense of humor... I'm sure it's not all at your expense!

10:54 AM  
Blogger Robyn said...

She's purdy.

12:47 PM  
Blogger This Girl I Used to Know said...

I realize she's your friend and all... but those people should be killed for the good of the gene pool :)

2:10 PM  
Blogger Amadeo said...

I'm still mother told me so!!!

3:50 PM  
Blogger Juicy77 said...

We should call them the Supermodel Sisters. I guess begging your friend to date a guy she doesn't like just so you can get into cool parties and clubs is wrong huh? Dang, I was such a bad friend!

Here's a Supermodel Sister Flashback:

Juicy: "Hey, Eliza*, um why don't you try wearing a shorter skirt? Show off your legs."

Eliza: "No!"

Juicy: "Don't be shy."

Eliza: "No way."

Juicy: "Look, I'm not trying to pay for the club tonight okay? And I don't have gams like yours so show some leg sister! And wink at the bouncer a little."

Semi-True Story.

6:55 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

ROTFL @ Juicy!

Okay, but you're not the only one! Whenever Eliza did wear one of her classic mini's to the club I used to think, "Yes! We're getting in free tonight!"


Shhh...don't tell Eliza! Lol!

7:03 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Wrong; if Persaud were perfection, she'd be 5'7 without heels.

Close, but no cigar.

11:22 AM  
Blogger KOM said...

I think you might be mistaking preternaturally lucky for perfect. At the end of the day, though, I guess it amounts to the same thing.

11:39 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

J, Persaud is 5'7" without heels. The Eliza version is anyways. The Samantha version may be even taller.

Remember, there are three of them. ;)

Don't question my scientific analysis! ;p~~

11:51 AM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

You mean the one in the picture is the UGLY sister?!?


I bow down to the Persaud Gene.

6:05 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

J: Oooooo, MP is gonna get the IRS on you for that "ugly sister" comment!!

I think they are all gorgeous, but yes, MP is the shortest. :)

8:32 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Ugly is relative (badumpum!).
In this case the "ugly" sister (whoever that may be) is still HOT!

I looked through the rest of that list. I need to move there and get a job non "The Hill" because I'm WAY better looking thatn most of those guys.

You'd be posting about the "Jerk Gene".

9:11 PM  
Blogger ManNMotion said...

Now that you mention it, I am amused

4:22 AM  

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