Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Earnesto

Earnesto is just the kind of storm I like. Scary enough to get me off from work and lame enough to not knock out the power so I can enjoy my day off from work.


Before I give you my updated Emergency Hurricane Supply List, I have to say that I was very disappointed in Publix Grocery. I thought they would have learned from Wilma last year that they must have in stock the necessary groceries people need to make it through a storm. Instead, they quickly sold out of the most precious of hurricane supplies…


Random Customer #1: “MY GOD!!!!!”

Random Customer #2: “THEY'RE OUT OF IT!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!!!”

Reese [just shows up]: “What is it? What’s wrong!?!”

Random Customer #1: “THEY'RE OUT…THEY'RE SOLD OUT OF…”

All Customers: “SMIIIIRRRRNOOOOFFFFFFF!!!!!”

Reese: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

Random Customer #1: “How could they do this to us?!? They know we need Smirnoff to make it through a storm!!!”

Reese: “No! There’s gotta be something left. Smirnoff Grape?”

All Customers: “No.”

Reese: “Smirnoff Green Apple?”

All Customers: “No.”

Reese: “Smirnoff Rasberry?”

All Cusomers: “Gone.”

Reese: “Regular Smirnoff? Or…or…Smirnoff Black Ice?!?”

All Customers: “Face it…it’s all gone!”

Reese [begins to cry]: “…no…no…”

Everyone: [looks at empty Smirnoff shelves with vacant eyes]

Reese: [starts shaking]

Customer #2: “Ma’am? Are you…okay?”

Reese: “No…Smirnoff…make…Reese…go…crazy…”

Customer #1: “Miss?”

Reese: “I HATE SOUTH FLORIDA!!! I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!!!!!!”

Publix Guy [just shows up with new boxes of alcohol]: “Ummm…I think I may be able to help.”

Reese [hopeful]: “You…you have…the Smirnoff?”

Publix Guy: “No. But, we have Bicardi Silver Big Apple.”

Reese [looks at Publix Guy in disgust]: “Bicardi?!?”

Publix Guy: “It should hold you over through this storm. I mean, it’s only a tropical storm, right?”

All Customers [righteous indignation]: “BICARDI?!?!”

Publix Guy: “PLEASE DON’T SHOOT THE MESSENGER!!!”

Reese [sighs]: “Bicardi…okay…I guess, it will have to do…”

Publix Guy: “Yes, everyone take a six-pack of Bicardi…here you go…it’s going to be okay…”

Reese [crying and grabbing a pack of Bicardi]: “I…I…so…hate…South…Florida…”



And I do. I do hate South Florida. But, whatever! Here’s my Hurricane Supply List for this storm…


1 Six-Pack of Bicardi Silver Big Apple (BOOOOO!!!!)

Keebler Soft Batch Chocolate Chip Cookies

Lettuce

Green Peppers

1 Can of Tomato Soup

1 Can of Chicken and Rice Soup (I thought this was a can of Tomato Soup)

5 Cans of Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli

1 Box of Saltines

2 Packages of Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast (hey, it was on sale!)

2 Two liter bottles of Strawberry Soda

No water whatsoever (Hey, I got water at home! That’s what a Brita Filter is for isn’t it?)

1 Hope and 1 Prayer



I’m really proud of my list this year because it really makes sense. It’s clear that my purchases were made to celebrate my life and not to survive any impending doom. I think that if everyone went shopping like this during a storm, the lines would move a lot faster and everyone would be in a better mood. I mean, when else do you get to drink alcohol and eat chocolate chip cookies at 10:00 in the morning during the middle of the work week?


Exactly!


Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to burn through a six pack of Bicardi Big Apple (yuck!).




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

3 Comments:

Blogger KOM said...

Despite your strange appreciation for fruit flavored malt beverages, you are my hero.

Oh! And I've learned something today. I had no idea that chicken and rice came in cans. Sounds like baby food.

1:50 PM  
Blogger Robyn said...

Um, you've never had chicken and rice soup? Weird.

Good luck with the holing up for the storm. The booze should keep things merry, no?

6:55 PM  
Blogger Amadeo said...

Thats similar to my snow list. Most people go by Toilet Paper, milk and eggs I require:

6 pack of Guiness Stout
1 box of Honey wheat thins
1 package of pepperidge farm Geneva Cookies
1 pound of Starbucks French or Italian Roast coffe
1 box of black bean Veggie Burgers
some form of Chicken
Either a new DVD or Video game (I got stuck alone in a blizzard one year and this was added - I told my ex she should've come the day before.)

11:09 AM  

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