Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The Trials and Tribulations of the Poor Working Girl: Chapter 3, Part 3

In an ancient land far, far away there lived a poor, working girl. Her purpose: to take down the evil and vile Dragon and do away with its misery. But, in order to do this, she must endure many trials and tribulations. Will the poor, working girl accomplish her goal and save the ancient land from the Dragon’s enduring torture? We shall follow her and find out…

The Labyrinth

Narrator: “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…”

Writer [whispering]: “narrator…narrator…psssttt….wake up….”

Narrator: “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….this is the longest, cheesiest, chapter ever, Mommy…Zzzzzzzzzzzzz”

Writer [jabs narrator]: “NARRATOR!!!”

Narrator [suddenly wakes up]: “What, what! Who shot who in the what where?”

Writer: “C’mon Narrator! Everyone’s waiting!”

Narrator [sighing]: “Oh, okay, fine! But, don’t blame me that your last piece was a boring tweener post…”

Poor Working Girl. A working girl who is poor. But, sometimes a bit clever. Having previously defeated the Level 1 Boss, Overzealous Security Guard, Poor Working Girl now has her sights on the Level 2 Boss- the Bipolar Office Assistant. Can Poor Working Girl defeat this villainous villain?

“Villainous villain?” Wow. That’s some writing there.

Anyway, can Poor Working Girl do what I just asked? She certainly thinks so. Let’s take a look…

Poor Working Girl (PWG): “Yes, I’ve got it! C’mon, Bipolar Office Assistant, we’re going to get you some help.”

Bipolar Office Assistant (BPOA): “What…why would you do that? I’m a Level Boss. You’re not supposed to help me…no one should help me…[sob]…I’m such…a horrible PERSON!!!”

PWG: “I’m not going to defeat you, for you do not need to be defeated. What you need is to return to your original form…”

“The True Office Assistant!!”

“And I know where to find the lithium you so desperately need to get back to your normal self!”

“So, c’mon! Let’s go!”

BPOA: “No…”

PWG: “C’mon!”

BPOA: “No…”


BPOA [crying]: “No. I’d rather just stay here and waste away in my current state of putrid nothingness.”

PWG: “Well, I’m not going to let you do that!”

Using every ounce of strength that she could muster, Poor Working Girl drags the 130 pounds of dead weight that is the Bipolar Office Assistant to the Health and Wellness Center that the two had passed previously.

PWG: “Whew! Okay, now just gotta get in here. The door is solid steel. I need something to blow the door…”

BPOA: “See…it is…hopeless…”

PWG: “Hmmm…BPOA, why was the room containing the Xerox-achu such a mess?”

BPOA: “Sigh…when you feed the Xerox-achu paper that is not perfectly straight it goes berserk and starts blowing things up…”

PWG: “Blowing things up?!?”

BPOA: “…it’s an awful beast…and I’m an awful person…”

PWG: “That’s it!”

BPOA: “So are you…you’re an awful person…”

PWG: “Suuurrreee….”

“Okay, BPOA, you stay here. I’ll be right back, okay?”

BPOA: “Here or there…does it even matter?”

PWG [slowly backs away from BPOA]: “Right…”

Quickly, Poor Working Girl races back to the room with the pulsating light and lures the Xerox-achu back to the Health and Wellness Center with a box of 8 ½ x 11 paper that has all of its corners bent on the upper left hand side. You know? The kind of paper that makes a Xerox-achu go haywire.

BPOA: “What are you doing?”

PWG: “I’m overfeeding the Xerox-achu with slightly bent paper.”

BPOA: “Oh…sigh…I see…you’re going to make it go berserk so it can knock down the door to the Health and Wellness Center.”

PWG: “Exactly!”

BPOA: “You have a lot of hope even though the situation is hopeless…I may be manic depressive…but, you sure are stupid…”

PWG: “Oh, BPOA! If you weren’t so mentally ill, I would have really hurt you by now.”

“Now, c’mon! We have to take cover. The Xerox-achu is about to explode!!”

The two unlikely allies hide behind a random cubicle and watch the Xerox-achu explode in a furious blast! After the smoke clears, Poor Working Girl sees that her ingenuous plan (and it’s bloody brilliant for Poor Working Girl, let’s be honest) has worked! The explosion blew off the steel door to the Health and Wellness Center.

After the smoke subsides, Poor Working Girl enters the center and then returns with a small bottle in her hand…

BPOA [pointing at the bottle]: “What’s that?”

PWG: “This is the key to me making it out of the labyrinth and the key to your sanity…”

BPOA: “Suicide in a bottle?”

PWG: “NO! Lithium. Here, take it.”

BPOA: “Why?”

PWG: “Oh, for Pete’s Sake!!”

Poor Working Girl shoves several pills down Bipolar Office Assistant’s throat. And then, suddenly, a bright light appears and envelopes the Bipolar Office Assistant. As the light dissipates, a beautiful fairy appears. A beautiful, mentally stable, fairy…

The True Office Assistant: “Poor Working Girl, you have released me from the prison of mental instability that the Dragon had sentenced me too many eons ago. For your reward, I will not only guide you to the Land of Travel Approval, I will now act as a cheat code and elevate you immediately to Level 55.”

PWG: “LEVEL 55?!?!? AWESOME!!! Thanks!!”

True Office Assistant: “No, thank you! Now, follow me…”

As Poor Working Girl follows the True Office Assistant out of the labyrinth and into the Land of Travel Approval, she communicates with Ancient Chinese Master telepathically…

PWG: “Well, did you see all that Master? I released the True Office Assistant, made it out of the labyrinth, and jumped ahead 53 levels! Only one other person has done that before!”

Ancient Chinese Master: “Yes, yes, you did great and now you’re in the history books. Listen, hurry back after you finish this mission. You have some telekinesis training to complete.”

PWG: “Telekinesis?!?! Wicked cool!!!!”

Ancient Chinese Master: “Yes, wicked cool. Your first task is to lift a spaceship with your mind.”

PWG: “A spaceship?”

Ancient Chinese Master: “Yeah. Some dumb kid, a robot, and a little green alien crashed a spaceship into my swamp! We need some additional brain power to lift the ship and get it out.”

PWG: “Wow! And you thought of me? Cool!”

Ancient Chinese Master: “Well, you were the only person I could find available. Thus, I’m not holding out much hope.”

PWG: “You just couldn’t be nice, could you?”

Ancient Chinese Master [yelling at his unwelcome guests]: “Hey! Tell your green guy to get out of my cabinets!!!! HEY!!!”

PWG: “Oh, geesh…”

Ancient Chinese Master: “Hurry up and get here, PWG, before I HURT THE LITTLE GREEN ONE!!!!”

And so, we arrive at another cheesy curtain call on the trials and tribulations of the Poor Working Girl. But, you can be sure that there will be an encore presentation of Poor Working Girl’s adventures…

Well, not an encore, actually. I mean that would be a repeat. So really, it’s an encore in that there will be another new edition, just not the same edition…


Uhhh, so see you next time!


© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger Mike said...

That was awesome! Can't wait for the next one!

6:16 PM  
Blogger KOM said...

Mmm. Battle over, it seems. Lithium good, it is. To the cafeteria I go.

11:29 AM  

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