Sunday, August 27, 2006

Life is Hard When the World is Full of Stupid People

God is good and I am a wonderful person.

You will have to forgive me, but this is a post less about the funny and more about the angry.

I knew this weekend would turn out to be a test of my human spirit when I was driving home from work on Friday evening…

Reese [singing & driving]: “Just got paiiddd…friddaayyy nighttt…parrrty harrrddyyy…and I’m…”

The Dodge [Reese’s Car]: “BOOM!! KA-BLAMO!!! KA-BOOM!! BLAM!!!”

Reese: “What the hell?”

The Dodge: “KABLAMO!!”

Reese: “What is going on?!?!”


Now, usually my first instinct, when something is wrong with my car, is to ignore it. The problem that is. I ignore the problem. So, for the last few months, when my car made a horrendous scream of a noise every time I started it up, I just decided that it was a lovely way for the car to scare away any potential gators nearby and I ignored the problem.

Reese: [starts car]


Reese: “Well, isn’t that special.”

“Anyways, time to go now.”

Should this have been a warning sign of things to come? Of course. But, did it make life easier for me if I just ignored the warning sign? Yes. And, seeing as how I am Reese and the car still went go, I chose to ignore the problem and spend my money on vacations to see “Lisa” and tickets to “So You Think You Can Dance: The Tour.”

Eventually, this brilliant plan backfired on me and The Dodge decided to stage another of its infamous coups.

I really hate it when The Dodge does this. The timing of the coups never works for me. And, lets be honest, who likes it when someone decides that they’re going to run your life from now on, and they’re going to decide when you do something and when you’re not, and they’re going to take over your limited finances?!?! I mean really, how selfish!!

Anyways, seeing as how South Florida has a lovely public transportation system I like to call “nonexistent,” I knew that I had to get my car fixed this weekend so that I could get to work on Monday. So, I asked my neighbors if they knew any good mechanics that could fix my car and not charge me an arm and a leg…

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life:Yeah, I know a mechanic. My boyfriend can take a look at it, no problem. I’ll ask him for you.”

Okay, now, what’s wrong with this picture right here? Have you figured it out yet? I didn’t at the time, but looking back on it, I should have known right away.

The problem is that this solution was too easy. How convenient that my next door neighbor has a boyfriend who fixes cars and will fix my car for me? I should have known this mess wouldn’t work out. But, Reese the Law Girl, so full of hope and naïveté thought everything was going to work out.

Reese the Law Girl was wrong.

So, Saturday I talk to my neighbor and her boyfriend about my car…

Steve [the boyfriend]: “So what happened?”

Reese: “Well, I was driving home and all of a sudden the “Check Engine” light came on and the battery gauge went all the way down and the temperature gauge went all the way up.”

Steve: “Hmmm…sounds like you need a new alternator.”

Reese: “Well, do you want to look at the car first to see if that’s what it needs?”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: [looks at Reese suspiciously]

Steve: “Nah, I don’t need to. That’s the alternator.”

Reese: “So, what do I do?”

Steve: “Just go to Advanced Auto Parts down the street and buy an alternator. On Sunday morning I’ll go ahead and fix the car for you.”

Reese: “And, how much do alternators cost?”

Steve: “Oh, they’re only about $115 to $130.”

Reese [breathes a sigh of relief]: “Oh thank God!!! Yes, I’ll get the alternator today. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for helping me out!!!”

Steve: “No problem.”

Reese: “And thanx, Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life! I sooo appreciate you recommending your boyfriend!! I don’t know what I would have done if I had to go to the dealership for this!!!”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “Mmm-hmmm….”

Reese: “Uhh…okay, well I’ll see ya’ll tomorrow!”

Now, let me just say something here. Yes, I did detect attitude from the Random Neighbor. But, I often detect attitudes from other people. However, in my quest to become a better person, I decided to ignore my spidey-sense that something was amiss with this little arrangement and instead bought an alternator.

A $192.00 alternator.

As it turns out, Advanced Auto Parts would give me $55.00 back if I brought in my old alternator. But, until then, I had to pay up front nearly $200 for a brand new alternator.

Don’t ask me about this auto parts policy. The guy at the store tried to explain it to me, but my eyes just glazed over during his techno-mechanico explanation and I never quite understood why I had to bring in my old alternator to get $55.00 in cash back. But, whatever.

So, Sunday morning rolls around. Steve was supposed to fix my car at 9:00am. Well, it’s 9 in the morning. Where is Steve? Where is Steve?

It’s 9:15am. Where is Steve? It’s 9:30am. Where is Steve?

Steve is missing.

So, now I’m not ignoring my spidey-sense (aka my BS detector). I decide to look out my window and see if I see Steve or his random girlfriend outside. Lo and behold I see my Random Neighbor and her 15 children getting into their environmentally unfriendly SUV. I, of course, made a run for it downstairs before she could take off.

As I went downstairs, I tried to act casual like I was just bringing my alternator down so that Steve could fix my car right away…

Reese: “Lalalala, going to get my car fixed today…”

“Oh, hello Random Neighbor!”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “Oh…ummm…hello…”

Reese: “Wow, it’s getting a bit hot out. I hope Steve can fix my car before the sun melts us all. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “Ummm…yeah…about that…”

Reese: “YEEESSSS??”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “Well, ummm…Steve isn’t going to fix your car. Sorry.”

Reese [clinching teeth]: “What?”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “Yeah, we got into a big fight last night and I had to kick his @$$ to the curb!”

Reese [grinding teeth]: “What?”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “I mean I told him, “You gotta good woman, you can’t be treating me like that.” And then he had the nerve to ask why I was cheating on him. Well, hello! I told him if he would treat me right I wouldn’t have to go and cheat!!!”

Reese [breathing through clenched teeth]: “So…you kicked him out?”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “Yeah. And, I feel so bad. I’m really, really sorry. You know there’s another guy in this building who fixes cars. I’m going to ask him if he can fix your car for you.”

Reese [trying desperately to suppress her rage]: “I’m sorry. I don’t understand. Steve was going to fix my car and now he’s not?”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “Yeah. I mean, I’m sorry, but my first husband died. And now I gotta deal with this mess of a man? I don’t think so. You feel me?”

Reese [clenching fist]: “Oh, I feel something.”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “Anyways, I hope you’re okay with this. I am very sorry.”

Reese [right hand shaking and seeing rage spots]: “Oh…I’m…just…so…okay…with…this…”

Random Neighbor Who Made the Wrong Choices in Life: “Great! Let’s go see if the other guy can fix your car.”

Of course, the other guy couldn’t fix my car.


Before I tell you how this all ended, let me just say that I’m not the kind of girl who thinks she’s hot stuff. I am an average girl of average means who attracts below average men for the most part. And, I am not the kind of woman who claims that other women are jealous of her or trying to keep their men away from her or some other crap like that.

But, I swear for god my neighbor screwed me over so that her boyfriend would not fix my car!!!!!!

I mean, I’ve seen this couple out and about the neighborhood before. They’re always happy, smiling people. Holding hands and all that $***. So, I find it oh so puzzling that now, all of a sudden, her boyfriend is some sort of evil monster who must be put out on the eve that MY CAR NEEDS TO BE FIXED!!!!

Note to Random Women Who Have Made the Wrong Choices in Life:

I don’t want your sorry @$$ boyfriend!! If I wanted a sorry @$$, I would have gone out and found a sorry @$$ a long time ago!!! Sorry @$$’s come a dime a dozen!! Just like vidi-ho’s and cheap beer!!! You can find that anywhere and I don’t want it!! So, when your stupid butt VOLUNTEERS your boyfriend to fix my car, don’t look at me like I want something that belongs to you!! What I want is my car to go. Nothing more, nothing less. I mean, damn! Trust me when I say that my standards are MUCH HIGHER than yours and I would rather bust my head on the side the wall while little velociraptor lizards jump all over me before I try to get with your SORRY @$$ BOYFRIEND!!!!!!

Son of a b*tch!!!

Okay…okay…I’m back…

But, you know, what really bugs me about this is that she wasn’t even going to tell me that Steve wasn’t going to fix my car!! She was just going to leave and go about her day while I waited around for a non-existent man to fix my car!! B*tch!

Anyways, after calling around to the small network of friends that I have, I found a really nice mechanic who would fix my car on a Sunday. And, come to find out, I didn’t need an alternator at all! The Dodge’s belt just busted or something and that’s what needed to be replaced. And you know how much that cost me?


Can you believe that?!?! $15.95!!! Sorry @$$ Steve was wrong all along!!! Turns out, he didn’t even know what he was talking about in the first place!!!

Whack! That was just whack!!!

So, Awesome Mechanic Guy fixes The Dodge thereby putting an end to the car’s desperate attempt to take over my life (hell, yeah, I run things here, not some stupid car!). And I, with the quickness, returned that $192.00 alternator and got my money back!

And there ended my weekend in hell. All in all, I have to say that I am very proud of myself for not going off on anyone during this stressful time. Of course, now that there’s a hurricane possibly a-comin’, I can’t make any promises for the future. But, for now…

God is good and I am a wonderful person.

© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger Jomama said...

That was so messed up, yet so funny. Have you seen Random Neighbor's boyfriend since?

And I had no idea there was a battery gauge on the dashboard. Good to know.

8:49 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Random Neighbor had the nerve to have some sort of get together at her house last night. I heard the sound of men, but I don't know if her b-friend was there or not.

Man, if it wasn't for the fact that she lives right across from me and her children are half-way decent kids (although, I don't tell the kids that), I would have so gone off on her!!

I still want too. I'm trying to supress my rage into a tiny ball. It's not working...

Anyways, about the battery gauge, some cars have that and some cars don't. I need all the gauges on The Dodge as possible so I can keep that car in check. It's always trying to start a revolution and I'm not trying to hear that!

7:45 AM  
Blogger This Girl I Used to Know said...

I applaud your ability to not scream at anyone during this process :)

8:29 AM  
Blogger KOM said...

As regional president of the Sorry @$$es, I must protest your statement that we are a dime a dozen. As a matter of fact, adjusted for inflation, we are now worth nearly $2.40. Each! Soon, Sorry @$$ boyfriends will be worth as much as gas.

11:38 AM  
Blogger Robyn said...

I hate when cars act up. I always play the "La La La, cannot hear you" game!

6:47 PM  
Blogger Jessica R. said...

OOOOHhh - i bet his sorry a@@ was going to return the new alternator you bought and say he "fixed it" - meanwhile doing one of those sneaky mechanic tricks to keep the car working for another week.
I hate those sneaky mechanics!!

Ok - that went off track - glad you only had to pay $15 - how lucky are you!!!

7:00 PM  
Blogger Amadeo said...

As far as cars go I'm working through my bosses, St. Thomas Connection. I swear she always knows somebody that does something you need done. Plus she knows cats that will help you put some of that insurance money in your pocket...sweet.

2:15 PM  

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