Monday, May 01, 2006

Something You Don't Know About Me that I'm Comfortable with Sharing

I have something to tell you all…



I am not perfect.



I know, shocking right? I mean, naturally, if you read this blog the ONLY thing you could think of me is that I am perfect. Perfectly intelligent, perfectly humorous, perfectly adorable. But, let me tell you something- it’s not true! I am not perfect. Believe it or not, I have…



…faults.




I’ll give you a moment to process this shocking news.






Alright, now that you have gathered yourselves, let’s explore one of my few, few, few, few, few and far between faults.




Fault #1: I am a snob.




Yes, it’s true. I have been one to turn my nose up and huff at certain people. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I think I’m better than other people. But, I am a snob in that expect people to behave in a certain manner and when they don’t I begin to have a series imploding hissy fits that are somewhat hard to contain. If you look at my life to date, I have been labeled by many different words which all contain an element of snobbery in their definitions.



For example, as a child I was labeled “prissy”….


Mom [to a 5 year old Reese]: “Reese, why don’t you go play with Jennifer.”

Reese: “No.”

Mom: “Why not?”

Reese: “Because Jennifer is annoying. She gets on my nerves.”

[Reese note: I really did say this!]


Mom: “Well, why does Jennifer get on your nerves?”

Reese: “Because, she doesn’t know how to act. She thinks she’s a boy. She talks too much. And, she’s not that bright.”

[Reese note: I really did say this!]


Mom: “Okay, keep it up Miss Prissy and you won’t ever have any friends!”

Reese: “Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll have friends. Smart ones.”




This attitude continued well into my school years. By the second grade, I was now labeled “bossy.”




Teacher: “Mrs. Law Girl, your daughter Reese is my most gifted student. She’s bright, humorous, fun loving…”


Mom: “Oh, this is good!”

Teacher: “And BOSSY!”


[Cue Echo in my Mom’s Mind: BOSSY…BOSSY…BOSSY…BOSSY…]


Mom: “Uh…what do you mean?”

Teacher: “Well, she’s always telling the other students what to do. She finishes her work and then she immediately starts telling the students how to finish their work.”

Mom: “Maybe she’s just being helpful?”

Teacher: “She told one student that the way I taught everyone to solve a math problem was stupid and that they should solve the problem her way.”

[Reese note: Keep in mind that I have always been mathematically retarded. I should not be giving mathematical advice.]


Mom: “Well, was her way correct?”

Teacher: “No, it wasn’t.”

Mom: “Oh.”

Teacher: “It also was completely illogical and contained absolutely zero mathematical principles.”

Mom: “Geesh!”

Teacher: “And yet, she insisted that we all complete the problem “her way.”

Mom: [sigh]

Teacher: “As her parent, you must find a way to contain her bossiness! It’s disrupting my class and making the students dumber.”

Mom: “Okay, Ms. Teacher. I will get her straight.”



As I got older, I realized that nobody really likes a snob. So, I tried my hardest to contain my elitist attitude. But, it was to no avail…



Reese [at one of those, “gifted, black students” thingys]: “Hi. I’m Reese the Law Girl. What’s your name?”

Random Girl: “Oh my god! You know, you’re no better than anyone else!!! You’re such a snob! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!”




So, snobbery is officially a “fault.” A “sin,” if you will. It is something I consciously work on to this day. I believe I’ve pretty much got it under control. Except for one thing…

There is always one occasion when my snobbery shines forth in such a way, that I literally have to do damage to my psyche in order for me to not snap on someone by making them feel like less of a person…


And that occasion is…



Dining with People who have no Table Manners




Duh, duh, dunnnnnnnnn!!!!!!




Nothing brings out “Snobby Reese” like a person who has not been trained how to eat a nice meal. Don’t ask me why, but I cannot stand this!!!!



For example, once I went out to lunch with one of my Mom’s friends. The lunch was fine, until the food came. As we both began to eat, I naturally stopped conversing when the food entered my mouth. Oh, but not my Mom’s friend. She just kept talking!



And there was food in her mouth while she was doing it!!!



Friend [talking with her mouth full]: “Soo, I says to Beth…”

Inside Reese’s Head: “OH MY GOD!!! SHE’S TALKING AND THERE IS FOOD IN HER MOUTH!!! WHAT DO I DO?!?! WHAT DO I DO?!?! SHE MUST STOP THIS!!! SHE MUST, STOP!!! IT IS UNHOLY!!! OH MY GOD!!!”

“OKAY, REESE JUST DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!!!”


[Reese looks.]


Inside Reese’s Head: “OH MY GOD!!! WHY, WHY HAS GOD FORSAKEN ME!!!! I’VE GOT TO TELL HER! THIS ISN’T RIGHT! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL!!!”

“OKAY, CALM DOWN REESE. YOU CAN SAY THIS WITHOUT BEING A SNOB…”

“OKAY, HOW ABOUT, “Friend, could you please shut your disgusting pie-hole while you speak?”

“OKAY, THAT’S NOT GOING TO WORK! THAT’S MEAN! OH, MY GOD!!! SHE’S STILL TALKING!!!!”

“OKAY, HOW ABOUT, “Friend, could you please shut the hell up, you disgusting pig!!!!”

“AWWWW, GEEEZ!! IF I SAY THAT, WHEN MY MOM FINDS OUT SHE’LL KILL ME!!!”

“THERE’S GOT TO BE A WAY!! THERE’S GOT TO BE A WAY!!!”

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!!”




No one saved me from the torture that I was enduring. And, I swore that I would never dine with said friend again. In fact, since that time I have not experienced the atrocity of eating with someone who has no table manners.


That was until the trauma of a lunch that I had last Friday.


You see, I’m currently moving out of my rich people digs to a smaller, less crazy, 1 bedroom apartment (oh, and by the way, I have soooo many horrible stories to share with you about my roommates- after I move). In any case, my roommates decided to treat me with lunch at the awesome restaurant Texas de Brazil before I moved out.


Now, I don’t know if you are familiar with Texas de Brazil, but it is wicked cool! It’s a chain restaurant, but it’s still got that “hoity-toity” flare to it. Like, for example, when you sit at your table, the hostess places the napkin on your lap.


You know, like T.G.I.Friday’s, but with class.



Anyhoo, so we’re at our table. About to dine on the greatest food on earth, when my roommates begin to kill my soul little by little.


But, first, let me explain who I was eating with. Basically, it was three little old ladies. One was just a tad older than my Mom, the other was that former roommate’s mother (so, you know, really, really old). The other was actually a friend of theirs who was just a decade younger than the mother.



So, I was eating with three little old ladies.



Naturally, I assumed that eating with three, distinguished older women would be fine. My theory was that old people from the Victorian era understand the importance of table manners.



My theory was wrong.



Inside Reese’s Head: “Oh, happy, happy, joy, joy! I’m at Texas de Brazil. I’m going to eat soooo much food. Good thing I starved myself the whole day. What should I start off with? Maybe the lamb? Or maybe the…”


“Oh. My. God.”


“What are they doing? What are these women doing? Are they tying the napkins around their necks like bibs?”


“Oh. My. God.”


“THEY ARE TYING THE NAPKINS AROUND THEIR NECKS LIKE BIBS!!!”


“OH MY GOD!!! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??? I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!!! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!!”


“OKAY WAIT! OKAY, CALM DOWN REESE. IT’S GOING TO BE OKAY. JUST SAY SOMETHING.”


“HOW ABOUT, “Could you not tie your napkins around your necks like an infant?”


“NO, NO, NO!!! THAT IS WRONG! THAT IS RUDE!!!”


“OKAY, HOW ABOUT, “Please don’t embarrass me in this hoity-toity restaurant. Can’t you act civilized? THIS IS NOT A RIB JOINT!!!!”


“NO, THAT’S MEAN! YOU CAN’T SAY THAT!!!”


“OH, GOD!!! WHAT CAN I SAY?!?! I CAN’T SAY ANYTHING, CAN I?!?!”


“OKAY, LET’S ASSESS THE SITUATION: WE’RE IN THE CORNER OF THE RESTAURANT. MOST OF THE RESTAURANT CAN’T SEE THESE WOMEN FROM THE FRONT. THEY CAN ONLY SEE ME AND I AM PICTURE PERFECT, SO EVERYTHING IS COOL!!”


“OKAY, I’M FEeling better. I’m calm. All is good…”


“BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO CAN SEE THESE LITTLE OLD LADIES?!?!?!”


“OH, GOD!!! WHAT TO DO? WHAT TO DO?!?!”


“WAIT! WHY DO I CARE WHAT THOSE PEOPLE THINK?!?! THEY’RE PROBABLY STUPID ANYWAYS. YES, THAT’S IT! THE PEOPLE WHO CAN SEE THE OLD LADIES ARE STUPID, SO THEY DON’T COUNT!!”


[Reese note: Did you recognize how I replaced one thought of snobbery with another?]



Reese’s Head Continues: “OOOKKAAYYY!! WE’RE GOOD! WE’RE GOOD! THIS WILL BE A FINE LUNCH! A FINE, FINE, FINE LUNCH!!!”


“NOW HURRY UP AND EAT SO WE CAN GET OUT OF HERE!!!”



In the end, it was not a fine lunch. Besides the napkin incident, the oldest member of the brood talked with her mouth full and kept dropping food all over her chin. The second oldest of the brood kept harassing the people next to us who had a baby. When the baby began crying, instead of ignoring it like everyone else, the second oldest began telling the parents what was wrong with the baby and how they should be taking care of the baby. Her incessant busy-bodyness was so bad, that the mother of the baby actually had to turn her chair away from the second oldest in order to limit her contact with her and her baby.



I tell you, I have never had such an awful experience at Texas de Brazil as I had that day. But, all throughout, I never said anything. I just took all of my snobby thoughts and put them into a little ball where it still festers in my soul down to this very day.



So, in summation, it’s true that I can be a bit of a snob. I’m sure this all sounds quite terrible. But, rest assured that I am always working on it.



Of course, if people would just change for the better (i.e. do as Reese would do), I wouldn’t have to lower my standards. But, since people have decided not to change what basically amounts to their whole being, I guess I’ll be the one who has to better herself.



It’s hard out there for an elitist. Truly, truly hard.




© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

12 Comments:

Blogger This Girl I Used to Know said...

You'd think the hostess ACTUALLY PUTTING THE NAPKIN IN YOUR LAP would be something of a clue as the appropriate placement of the napkin.

I applaud your strength in not jumping up and shouting at these people at the top of your lungs that they are uncultured boobs who oughtn't be allowed out of the house.

But then, I guess that would have been rude :)

7:42 AM  
Blogger Joanne said...

I absolutely ABHOR people with bad table manners. Seriously... I get it!

LOL

10:12 AM  
Blogger Amadeo said...

I situations like this it make it visibly noticable that I'm not comfortable and tell the waitstaff that I don't know these people that well.

10:48 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Girlie: The FIRST thing they did, when the hostess left after putting the napkins on our laps, was pick up their napkins off of their laps and tie them around their neck!

The only time I have ever experienced such an act was at a rib joint. And, it was sort of tongue and cheek that the napkins were actually bibs. Also, the rib place was not a hoity-toity restaraunt.

Jo: Well, I feel a little better knowing that I'm not alone on this one. I felt so bad that I felt embarrassed by my "associates." I thought I must be the snobbiest person in the world.

Amadeo: Actually, I was EXTRA dignified when I was eating. I had to be. Everytime our waiter came, I could tell he wanted to laugh. The only thing I could do at that point was save my own reputation. ;)

11:50 AM  
Blogger Jessica R. said...

Reese - how rude - little old ladies? Don't you know you're suppose to respect your elders?
JUST KIDDING!!
Man - "older" folks are the worst - I think manners get thrown out the door at a certain age.
I HATE when people talk with food in their mouth also - it's nasty - and of all people my mom does that - i've told her for years not to - some people never learn.

I dont blame you on the snobbish end - probably cuz I can be that way also - but since you didn't speak out - no one knows!! Your secret could've been safe.

12:25 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

you always have to be careful around little old ladies. You never know what they are going to pull on you.

2:34 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

I understand Reese. My grandma does it, and I get a little embarrassed, but I love her too damn much to say anything that might hurt her feelings. =) I'm a snob Reese. You're not alone. I don't like people in my personal space. I hate Walmart.

5:49 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

i'm an elitest + attention whore....it' a DEADLY combination.

"Actually, I was EXTRA dignified when I was eating. I had to be. Everytime our waiter came, I could tell he wanted to laugh. The only thing I could do at that point was save my own reputation"
lol....i totally get that.

6:28 PM  
Blogger Jessica R. said...

Ok I had to post again...I think it's weird how the life happens. This happens to me so often where I see/hear a new word that i've never heard before and then start hearing it all over the place.
Like you used the world "Hoity-Toity" i've NEVER heard this word before...but I read it on your blog today and then Oprah used it on her show today - WEIRD!!!!
Twice in one day after NEVER hearing it before - {{insert scary music here}}

7:42 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Jessica: Do you mean to tell me that Oprah stole my word?!? Did she not see the copyright notice at the bottom of my post?!?!

I'm totally going to sue!


Just kidding, of course! ;)

Actually, that is really weird. I mean that you would hear the word for the first time twice in one day. And "hoity-toity" isn't used that often. Freaky. ;)

5:45 AM  
Blogger KOM said...

What's funny, is that I've noticed my parents, the evil task-masters of table manners, have completely let the facade slip.

I think you hit a certain age, and it all goes out the window. Which is how it ought to be, I guess. After a lifetime of work, you deserve to spend the last few decades like you secretly wanted to live the first few.

10:01 AM  
Blogger Robyn said...

I feel your pain.... ecellent job at holding it all in Reese.

1:08 PM  

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