Monday, July 11, 2005

How I've Changed in 10 Years: Embracing Neo-Apathy

With the impending crisis known as the “10 Year High School Reunion” rapidly encroaching on my personal happiness, I’ve been in a perpetual state of evaluation. I’ve been evaluating my life to date and wondering exactly who or what I am right now. I’ve discovered that what I am right now is not what I used to be.

As you may have already realized from the latest Tales From the Childhood (plug, plug, plug), I actually used to care about stuff. Heavy stuff, like equality and justice. But, I’ve recently realized that while I “technically” still believe in those things, I don’t really care about them. Which also means that I don’t care about people who don’t believe in those things. Which also leads to me not caring about people, in general.

Take racism, for example. Ten years ago, when a classmate told me that 90% of all prisoners were Black, I responded like this…


Reese: KRISSY, YOU IGNORANT, RACIST COW!!! IF 90% OF PRISONERS WERE BLACK, I WOULD BE IN PRISON. WHAT KIND OF STUPID THINKING LEADS AN IMBECILE TO BELIEVE THAT 12% OF THE POPULATION MAKES UP 90% OF THE PRISONERS?!?! YOU STUPID MORON OF AN HONORS STUDENT!!! YOUR PARENTS SHOULD BE ASHAMED TO HAVE SPAWNED YOU!! THIS SCHOOL SYSTEM SHOULD BE ASHAMED TO GRADUATE YOU!! GOD SHOULD…”


And so on, and so forth.


But, today is a little different. Today I wouldn’t care not only to convince the person that they’re wrong. I also wouldn’t care to make them feel bad about what they believed. Say the same prisoners/Black statement to me now, and you would get this response…


Reese: “Well, for that to be true, I would’ve had to have done jail time. I did go to law school, and law school is a form of prison, so I guess you’re right.”


Do you see the difference? One response is filled with hate and condemnation. A true sign of caring if there ever was one. The other response is pleasing only to my ears. I would respond in such a manner, so I could laugh to myself (or out loud, I don’t really care). My goal would no longer be to teach, but to just amuse myself through people’s stupidity and my own heavily loaded sarcastic responses in return. Generally, this should be a good thing; but, I don’t think it really is.

What happens when I really should care about something, but I don’t? What then? For example, this great nation of ours is heading down an uncertain path. Shouldn’t I want to fight the good fight and help turn things around?


Nah, sorry. Not interested. I prefer to run away to another country. I was thinking London, but they just got bombed the heck up. So, now I’m thinking Antarctica.


And what about that craazzy woman who sent me hate mail (by the way, I will now be referring to said craazzy woman as “Halle Berry”)? Did you actually read the subject line of that e-mail she sent me? “Halle” wrote, “Haters Die Soon.” What if she’s a psycho stalker? Maybe, I should be more careful? Maybe, I should hold that tongue of mine?


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


Yea, right! Like I really even care to do such a thing! Where’s the fun in biting your tongue?


But, what happens if one day, I get so apathetic that Orlando Bloom asks me out and I don’t care to say “yes?”


Whoa.


Now, I’m scared.


And, also confused.

Is it possible that I now care about not caring? What the freak is that?!? Like some sort of weird neo-apathy? Am I neo-apathetic? Is there such a thing? And, if there is, how did I get like this?


Was it due to four years of trying to teach rich, White kids what it was like to be Black in America and failing miserably in my quest?


Or did it start when I was interning at that prestigious research hospital and I was told by the Chief of Staff that I cared too much about patients to become a doctor?


Or maybe it was the disease known as law school? Did law school do this to me? Will I ever recover from law school?!?


Geez, man!! I tell you caring about not caring is kind of a trippy pain. It’s very troublesome.

You know, the title of this piece is, in part, called “Embracing Neo-Apathy.” Maybe, I should take a cue from my own title and do just that?



Besides, I really don’t care to think about this anymore.



© Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

17 Comments:

Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

I think it was the "Trying to teach rich, white kids..." part.

Forget about the race part. Tryin to teach RICH people what it's like to be poor would be hard enough. Ignorant bastards!

Rich people, not lotto winning, recently into money people, but multi generational RICH people piss me off.

They don't even have to be Hilton rich, just what some might consider "Upper-middle class". You can't get through to them what it's like to NOT be able to go to the store and buy any damn thing you want.

That's just rich people, domn't get me started on rich WHITE people. Ignorant bastards.

I'm not joking either, I think beating your head against a wall of narrow minded stupidity like that would make anybody apathetic.

Hang in there Reese, you'll find something to care about again. :)

5:54 AM  
Blogger Toya De. said...

Umm...remember the goal of getting back to Vegas? Heck if I cannot get you to remember to care about that...then really all hope is lost!

9:35 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

J: Yea, well, maybe one day I'll find something to care about. I'm not going to be stressing about it too much. ;)

As an aside, I do think it was high school that did this to me. And, although I talked badly about the rich, White kids I had CONSTANT confrontations with; there were a couple (and I stress the word COUPLE) of rich, Black kids who were just as stupid. Only, they had the opposite problem of the rich, White kids. They felt the need to be a stereotype in order to identify with being Black. At the time, I really didn't have the time to try and teach them to stop being idiots. I felt the more pressing need was to work on my White classmates as changing them could have a more significant impact on the future for all of us.

Yea, I know. I wasted 4 years. ;)


Toya De: You have a blog?!?! You didn't tell me that you were starting a blog!! BTW, I love your profile pic. AND, I still want to go to Vegas. I always will. :D

10:03 AM  
Blogger Toya De. said...

umm the blog is in the works...call it inspiration from you and "lisa".

10:08 AM  
Blogger tannia g. robles said...

wow you made me thing toooo much with this piece. i guess i somewhat relate to it. i always ask myself "what keeps people interested?", because i too with age have lost some interest about things i use to be passionate about.

Example 1: I was really passionate about always having straight hair, so i would blow dry it all the time, now i wear it curly. Example 2: I was really passionate about always having a bra on, even at night time, now i could care less if i trip over these puppies. it's the real important things in life like the two i mentioned that keep me thinking "what happened, why don't I care?".

on a serious note, i can completely relate to your post, my problem is i stress myself out thinking about it. phew!

9:28 PM  
Blogger tannia g. robles said...

too many typos! what i meant to say was that you made me THINK too much.

and i hope you all realize i was joking about my examples, i'm shallow but not that shallow.

1:01 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

I knew you were joking Tannia. I was laughing when you said you used to care so much about wearing a bra. You know, although it's silly, I used to care so much about wearing a bra around my house. I don't know why. Now, when I get home, I can't wait to be free. ;)

9:59 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

FYI :) I just read Bet Me, and really really liked it.

I also read Good in Bed. Thats a GREAT book, have you read it?

12:27 PM  
Blogger tannia g. robles said...

i loved good in bed! i finished it in 2 days

1:16 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

i just read your hate mail and am still reeling from the absurdity. dammit reese...you're going to found!

*sigh*

a care a lot about a few things and little about a lot of things.

so goes the life of a 35 year-old trapped in a 18 year-old's life.

hearts to the reesemeister!

1:14 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Dez: I haven't read Good in Bed, but of course I have read Bet Me. It's sooooo awesome! I LOVE that book.

Caro: I see that you have begun to embrace neo-apathy at around the same age that I did. I don't know whether to feel bad about that or welcome you to the club (there's even a secret handshake). ;)

Anyways, I love "Reesemeister." I might make that my new handle.

As always, you rock Caro. Very acoustavvy. ;)

9:14 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

haha, yes.....embrace the reesmeister within!

i'm still sitting here only hoping that i'm going to found many things in my apathetic lil life.

pahleez....i've got member written all over me! do you see this silly glasses face? pfft.

now....on to the handshake...

acoustavvy fo' life!

'cause i'm the ultimate "g"

peace and love, homes.

3:46 AM  
Blogger Desiree said...

geez woman! you should update your page, I have NOTHING to read!

DAMNIT!

11:48 AM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Hehehe, avert your eyes upwards, Dez. You shall see a new post. ;)

12:59 PM  
Blogger CubanDiva said...

Well Reese, I think it is great that you care that you don't care. LOL!

9:45 AM  
Blogger Shavonne said...

"IF 90% OF PRISONERS WERE BLACK, I WOULD BE IN PRISON. WHAT KIND OF STUPID THINKING LEADS AN IMBECILE TO BELIEVE THAT 12% OF THE POPULATION MAKES UP 90% OF THE PRISONERS?!?!"

I don't think she was saying 90% of ALL black folks (which is 12% of the U.S. population) were in prison. She was refering to those locked up in state and federal prisons/jails. I don't think the number is as high as 9 out of 10 prisoners (are black), but it's up there.

2:55 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Shavonne, I think you missed the point.

I KNEW what she was talking about. And, statistically, what she said is impossible. And, just as an added note, she wasn't kidding when she said 90%. In fact, later on she said it's probably more.

Trust me, she was an idiot.

12:26 PM  

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