Monday, October 30, 2006

Horrible Machinations of Torture

I went to the Girlie Doctor the other day. For the sake of the boys who read this, I will be as a vague as possible. I know how boys can’t stand reading, learning, or otherwise entertaining anything that has to do with the inner workings of female anatomy.

By the way, you boys really need to grow up. I mean how the hell do you think you ended up on this planet anyways? Whatever.

Reese: [nervous and staring at Dr. Girlie’s instruments of death]

Dr. Girlie: “Well, hello Reese.”

Reese: “Hey.”

Dr. Girlie [prepping for his 5 minutes of torture]: “Reese, I can’t help but see that you are not ready at all for your examination…”

Reese: “I don’t need an examination…”

Dr. G: “…Reese you know what the drill is when you come here…”

Reese: “Okay, but if you would just listen to me…”

Dr. G: “…you have to undress, sit on the examination table, feet in stirrups…”

Reese: “I don’t need an examination!!!”

Dr. G [holding horrible machination of torture]: “Reese, if you would please stop wasting my time…”

Reese: “OH MY GOD…”

Dr. G [waving horrible machination of torture]: “Reese, c’mon now- let’s be an adult…”


Dr. G [pointing horrible machination of torture]: “Reese, I’m a very busy doctor and I don’t have time for this…”

Reese [attempts reasoning with Dr. G]: “Yes, which is why you should listen to me. I don’t need an examination!”

Dr. G: “What is it this time, Reese? Are you going to tell me that you know you’re okay and if I just sign a notarized statement saying you’re okay to give to your mother and Lisa so that they will stop harassing you to come see me then you’ll be on your way?”

Reese: “No, no…”

Dr. G [approaching Reese with horrible machination of torture]: “Reese, I’m getting very upset…”


Dr. G: “What?”

Reese: “The pill. I just came to get on the pill. I just need a prescription and then I’m gone!”

Dr. G: “Oh.”

Reese: “Could you put away the horrible machination of torture… now…please…”

Dr. G: “I really wish you would stop calling my medically necessary instruments ‘machinations of torture.’”

Reese: “I really wish you would stop calling your machinations of torture ‘medically necessary instruments.’”

Dr. G: “Okay, Reese, let’s make this quick. You want to go on the pill because of what? You’re currently sexually active?”

Reese: “No.”

Dr. G: “Okay, because you expect to be sexually active soon?”

Reese: “Eh, not really, no.”

Dr. G: “Because you want to regulate your visitor**?”

Reese: “No, not exactly…”

Dr. G: “So you want to start taking medication for no reason, Reese?”

Reese: “Well, okay, if I had to pick, it would be for reason #3.”

Dr. G: “You never told me you had an irregular visitor.”

Reese: “I don’t.”

Dr. G [sighs heavily]: “Reese…”

Reese: “Dr. G, I don’t want it anymore.”

Dr. G: “Don’t want what?”

Reese: “A visitor. I don’t want a visitor anymore.”

Dr. G: “Soooo…what you really want is a hysterectomy?”

Reese: “Noooooo!! I just want the pill so I won’t have a visitor anymore.”

Dr. G [another heavy sigh]: “Reese, why do you do this to me?”

Reese: “Because I like you Dr. G and I feel comfortable in asking you these things.”

Dr. G: “Reese, that’s not how the pill works.”

Reese: “Okay, yes that’s not how the pill technically works. BUT, if I skipped the placebos…”

Dr. G: “Ohhh, god…”

Reese: “…then I would never have a visitor.”

Dr. G: “Reese…”

Reese: “Tah-dah! Problem solved!”

Dr. G: “Reese, do you want to feel like a miserable, bloated whale for the rest of your life?”

Reese: “Ummm…no.”


Reese: “Really?”

Dr. G: “Yes, really!”

Reese: “Man, that really sucks Dr. G.”

Dr. G: “Yes, I guess it does.”

“Now, Reese, I’m still going to give you a prescription for the pill because it will help so that your visitor doesn’t stay around so long. Also, it will make sure that you NEVER procreate. I just don’t know what I would do if there were spawns of you running around, Reese.”

Reese: “You and me both, Dr. G.”

Dr. G: “Yes, now take these pills. Get the prescription filled for more. And don’t come back here again until next year when it’s time for your annual exam again.”

Reese: “What?!? You mean I gotta come back for that torture session again next year?!?!”

Dr. G [another heavy sigh]: “Reese…”

Reese: “I was just here doing that! When you’re as young as me you only have to come once every 10 years or something, right?!?”

Dr. G: “You know what, Reese? For you, it should be once every 10 years- then I wouldn’t have to deal with your craziness but only for once a decade.”

Reese: “So, I’ll see you in 2016?”

Dr. G: “I would say yes, but when your uterus ends up upside down and backwards you would probably sue me.”

Reese: “This is true. I mean, it is your job to take care of me.”

Dr. G: “Yes, unfortunately.”

Reese: “Yup.”

Dr. G: “Next April, Reese. I’ll be calling you personally to remind you.”

Reese: “Ehh…sure….”

Dr. G: [major heavy sigh]

Reese: “Dr. G, could you do me a favor between now and next April?”

Dr. G: “No.”

Reese: “Could you invent something so that the exam isn’t so…how can I say this…the most painful and torturous experience ever bestowed intentionally upon a human being?”

Dr. G: “Reese?”

Reese: “Yeah?”

Dr. G [picking up horrible machination of torture and pointing it threateningly]: “If you don’t leave my office right now…”

Reese [running out the door]: “BYE!!!”

Dr. G [heavy sigh]: “I so have to pawn her off to another Girlie doctor.”

**That’s for you boys. You know what a “visitor” is. Now get over it!**

© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.


Blogger This Girl I Used to Know said...

Two words for you...

Depo Provera

1 shot, 4 times a year. No "visitor", no bloating, no problem.

3:50 PM  
Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

Dr. G didn't tell me about a shot. I mean, he told me about a shot, but he made it sound all primitive!

Man! I bet he has something personal against Depo or something. Curse you Dr. G!!!

4:00 PM  
Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Geez, not all us boys are that queasy. I had 3 sisters so there aren't many mysteries in that area. Periods, I mean.

7:36 PM  
Blogger ManNMotion said...

Hi Reese! Just thought I'd stop by and "visit" your blog lol

9:05 PM  
Blogger Karla said...

Machinations of Torture is a good name for it. Oh the ELPC list is up.

11:33 PM  
Blogger Amadeo said...

I second the not all so queasy motion. My problem is that when I work in an office of majority women, between that and growing up with 4 of them I'm overexposed. Plus they never wanna listen when I talk about simple things. Like the need to sit in my boxers and sip coffee while watching ESPN.

9:34 AM  
Blogger Caro said...

i've actualy heard a lot of bad thinggs about the shot too...maybe it's a different kind? are there different types other than depo?


2:55 PM  
Blogger Jessica R. said...

Reese your doc sucks - when i lived in AZ and now that i live in NY - all doctors told me it's ok not to have your period - I can't think of the one i'm on now but that's what i do - skip the placebos for 2 mos and then the 3rd month take them - so it works just like Seasonale...i recommend a new doc. =)

1:33 PM  
Blogger Joanne said...

Hellllooooo.... Just popping in to say hi!

10:09 AM  

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