Something Different

The Great Sock Debate

2011-03-29T21:59:00.007-05:00

For those of you who are not fluent in twin speak, I have translated the above video for you. I suggest you first watch the video and then read the translation so you can truly understand the importance of this groundbreaking look into the mind of babies.

Because we only know the twins as “R” and “S,” I’m dubbing the baby with two socks as “R” and the baby with one sock as “S.” I don’t know if these are the babies’ true identities. Just go with me on this…

R: “Hey, dude. You know you only have one sock on?”

S: “Yeah, man, it looks cool, right?”

R: “Well, actually, you look crazy. Like, really crazy.”

S: “Heh, man, you’re so dramatic.”

R: “No really, it’s not right to wear just one sock.”

S: “Dude, stop busting my balls, seriously. With one sock on I’m guaranteed to keep at least one foot nice and cool.”

R: “But, you’re susceptible to hidden dangers when you walk around bare foot!”

S [laughing]: “Hidden dangers?!? Like what?!?”

R: “Like splinters!”

S [laughing]: “Dude, this floor is laminate.”

R [looking down]: “Oh, so it is. But, still, it’s not a good look.”

S: “Nah, man. I’m cool. Just leave me alone.”

R: “But, dude, I’m telling you, you look crazy.”

S [laughing]: “Wow. You are such a drama queen.”

R [waving indiscriminately]: “I’m not a drama queen!”

S: “Yeah, you are.”

R: “No, I’m not!”

S: “Okay, you’re not.”

R: “Thank you.”

S [laughing]: “Sike! You’re a drama queen.”

R: “Okay, fine, but you know what? That’s why you have to hang on to the fridge to stand. Because you only have one sock on!”

S [laughing]: “What?!? Dude, that doesn’t even make any sense.”

R: “Okay, you know what. Enough! You need to just listen to me. You know what? Let’s ask mom.”

“Mom, shouldn’t ‘S’ have both socks on?”

[silence]

“Oh, wait, I forgot you can’t understand a word I’m saying.”

“Listen guy, just go find your other sock and put it on.”

S: “No.”

R [exasperated]: “Sometimes, I really just can’t even deal with you!”

S: “And they say I’m the crazy weird one! You’re nuts, dude.”

R: “You know what, don’t come crying to me when you’ve hit rock bottom. Do you know what it looks like to hit rock bottom? You’re way down here when you hit rock bottom.” [R illustrates what rock bottom looks like]

S: “Nah, dude you know what, I’m cool. I’m straight. I’m just going to hang out by the fridge over here.”

R: “Listen to what I’m trying to tell you!”

S: “I don’t want to listen!”

R: “I’m trying to save you from rock bottom!”

S: [looks at brother like he’s a lunatic]

The End.

And thus ends The Great Sock Debate of 2011. I would like to thank “R” and “S” for getting me out of my nearly year long writing drought. For the record, I must say, I’m totally Team S on this one.

July 7, 2010: The Day the Funny Died

2010-07-07T00:00:00.002-05:00

And now, a special report from Something Different News. And here’s our ace reporter, Karma.

Karma: “Good evening, America…and…places that are not America. Tonight, we recognize the talent and laziness that is the owner and creator of Something Different, Reese the Lawgirl.”

“Reese, good evening. It’s good to see you.”

Reese: “Ahh, thanks Karma. It’s…it’s good to be here. Good to be back.”

Karma: “So then, you are back now, Reese?”

Reese: “No, absolutely not.”

Karma: “Mmm-hmmm, interesting. Please explain.”

Reese: “Well, Karma, as you know today is my birthday.”

Karma: “Yes, a glorious day indeed.”

Reese: “Yes, yes, well, I am 33 years old Karma…”

Karma: “33?”

Reese: “Yes.”

Karma: “Really?”

Reese: “Yes. Uhh…you should know this. I mean, you are Karma.”

Karma: “Well, I just thought, you know…see a little crows feet there…thought maybe you were a bit older...”

Reese: “Ohhh, hahahaha…I hate you, Karma.”

Karma: “Oh, I’m just kidding with you girl. You don’t look a day over 33.”

Reese: “Ha! I really hate you.”

Karma: “Alright, alright. As you were saying...”

Reese: “Yes, well, I’m getting older…”

Karma: “Mmmm-hmmm, we can see that…”

Reese [interrupts]: “ANNNDDD, I feel as if things have changed for me. I started this blog when I was 28. At the time, I had so many dreams. I was unemployed and over educated. The world was my clam…”

Karma: “Ummm…”

Reese: “And I could do anything with that clam. And I did. I wrote blogs about stupid celebrities, and bad relationships, and poor working girls, and tales from the childhood, and hot boy fantasies. But, the thing is, you grow up. And you change. And you’ve written everything you wanted to write about until you just don’t have anything left. And, when that happens, well, it’s time to move on.”

Karma: “Hmmm…”

Reese: “Yes, I know. It’s all very deep…”

Karma: “Not really…”

Reese [ignoring Karma]: “What can I say? I’m a very thought provoking individual. And, I think now it’s really time to bid adieu. I really have nothing more to say.”

“Yes, I think that today, July 7, 2010, is a fitting end to Something Different.”

Karma: “Reese…”

Reese: “Yes?”

Karma: “Cut the crap.”

Reese: “Whaaaaaaatttt??”

Karma: “You are not out of ideas. You are not too old to keep writing. The truth is, number 1, you are lazy…”

Reese: “Ehhhh….”

Karma: “And, number 2, you let the state of Florida suck all of the life out of you. I mean, really? You’re going to allow Florida to destroy you, really? Florida? FLORIDA?!?”

Reese: “But, but, but…”

Karma: “Yes, there’s a ton of sunshine. And, sure the people here don’t understand sarcasm. And, yeah, yeah, it’s no fun making fun of simple people instead of pretentious wannabe power players. But, you can’t let that stop you!”

“You need to reclaim your funny!”

Reese: “How…how do I do that?”

Karma: “Well, first, how about you actually commit to finishing that Poor Working Girl story?”

Reese: “Yes…commit…”

Karma: “That’s right. Commit to the story. Make a writing schedule. Promise to write something substantive at least once a week.”

Reese: “Yes! Schedule! Weekly writing!”

Karma: “You can do this, Reese! I’m rooting for you. We’re all rooting for you!!”

Reese: “I…I CAN DO THIS!!”

Karma: “Now go!! Go be that awesome Lawgirl we’ve come to love!”

Reese: “YES!! BE AWESOME!!”

Karma: “BE AWESOME!!”

Reese: “AWESOME!!”

Karma: “AWESOME!!!!”

[silence]

[silence]

[silence]

Reese: “Can…can I start being awesome tomorrow because I’m kind of hungry, right now…”

Karma: [silence]

Reese: “Actually, maybe I can start next week because this week I’m going on vacation…”

Karma: “Hrrumpphh…”

Reese: “Well, this summer is actually really busy. I’m saying though, in September I will totally be ready to be awesome…”

Karma: “You know what, Reese? Just forget it. How about that? Forget it.”

Reese: “Hey, now don’t be like that Karma…”

Karma [takes off her mic]: “No, no. I’m so done with you…I’m leaving…”

Reese: “Ahh, Karma, come on! I’m not saying I’m never going to be awesome. Just, you know, later…”

[Karma walks away]

Reese [yells at Karma]: “I MEAN SOONER RATHER THAN LATER….”

[Karma has left the building]

Reese: “Geesh, so emotional. What’s her deal?”

[silence]

[silence]

[silence]

Reese: “Well, goodnight folks! Have a pleasant today and a happy tomorrow!”

The End

?????

2010 SD Bracket Challenge: Join Now!!!

2010-03-14T18:29:00.003-05:00

Sigh.

I know I haven't posted anything this year. But, I've had a series of fortunate and unfortunate events happen this year. I haven't had time and/or heart to post anything of my usual style. I'm hoping that March Madness will wake me up and get me back to my normal self. And, for that to happen, I need all of you to join up for the SD Bracket Challenge and make sure that no Canadians win the the challenge this year.

So, you know, do it for me...please?!?!

Here's how to do it...

1) Go here.

2) The group name is SD Bracket Challenge. The password is "lawgirl."

3) You must sign up for an ESPN account if you don't have one already.

4) Entries must be received before the tipoff of the first game on Thursday, March 18th. So, you probably want to get your entry in by Thursday morning. Don't forget!!

Okay, so you know, sign up. Help get me out of my funk. I'd appreciate it! :)

Songs of 2009

2009-12-31T08:29:00.011-05:00

I'm going to make this short and sweet.

Song of the Year for 2009...

...taking over the crown held last year from Alanis Morissette's Citizen of the Planet...

...SONG OF THE YEAR IS....

"This is It" by Michael Jackson

Look people, I could have picked "G4L" by Rihanna, "Heard 'Em All" by Amerie, "Starlight" by Muse, or any five songs off of Kid Cudi's CD, but this is Michael Jackson. He made Thriller!

Anyways, CD of the Year I'm totally conflicted on. So, here are the FOUR CD's of the Year. You can pick the one which best represents you:

Amerie's In Love & War

Kid Cudi's Man on the Moon: The End of the Day

Rihanna's Rated R

Muse's Black Holes and Revelations

Yeah for variety!

Anyways, here's the rest of the best....

-------------------------------

“3” Britney Spears

“Bad Romance” Lady Gaga

"Boom Boom Pow" Black Eyed Peas

"Break up" Mario f/t Gucci Mane and Sean Garrett

"Calle Ocho" Pitbull

“Cudi Zone” Kid Cudi

"Day 'N' Nite" Kid Cudi

"Diva" Beyonce

"Eat You Up" BoA

“Empire State of Mind” Jay-Z f/t Alicia Keys

"Energetic" BoA

“G4L” Rihanna

"Gee" Girls' Generation

“Hard” Rihanna

“Heard ‘Em All” Amerie

“Higher” Amerie

"I Hate This Part" The Pussycat Dolls

“Knights of Cydonia” Muse

"Krazy" Pitbull

"Let it Rock" Kevin Rudolf f/t Lil' Wayne

“Let the Beat Rock (Boys Noize Megamix)" Black Eyed Peas f/t Gucci Mane

"Love Game" Lady Gaga

"Pretty Wings" Maxwell

“Pursuit of Happiness” Kid Cudi

“Red Eye” Amerie

"She Wolf" Shakira

“Soldier’s Poem” Muse

"Stand and Deliver" No Doubt

“Starlight” Muse

"Swagga Like Us" Kanye West, Jay-Z, T.I., Lil' Wayne

“Telephone” Lady Gaga f/t Beyonce

"The God in Me" Mary Mary

"The Great Divide" Emmy Rossum

“The Flowers” Amerie

“Under the Milky Way” Sia

“Video Phone” Beyonce f/t Lady Gaga

“Wait Your Turn” Rihanna

"Waking Up in Vegas" Katy Perry

Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms [Part 2]

2009-12-18T17:55:00.061-05:00

Jem and the Holograms.

Once on top of the world, these girls could do no wrong.

In the mid-eighties, they took off with such mega-hits as, “Truly Outrageous,” “The Jem Theme (Truly Outrageous),” and “(Truly Outrageous) Jem Girl.”

With such a wide variety of outrageous songs, no one was prepared for the Hologram’s meltdown…

…which was caused by a Trojan worm virus created by Synergy…

But, before all of that there was the good life that Jem had created for herself, her sisters, both real and conveniently adopted, and the hot teenagers of Starlight House. And the biggest player in that good life had to be Jem’s purple haired heart throb boyfriend, Rio Pachenco…

Rio: “How you doin’?”

Rio Pachenco was every girl’s dream in 1985. A racially ambiguous hunk who appeared to have a heart of gold. But, what the fans didn’t know was that under the appearance of a gold heart was a level of douchebaggery that was beyond comprehension.

We caught up with Rio at his undisclosed offices somewhere in Central Florida…

VH1: “Rio, what exactly do you do here in central Florida?”

Rio: “Well, you know…I counsel people…”

VH1: “Uh-huh?”

Rio: “You know, I set things up…”

VH1: “Set things up?”

Rio: “Well, you know, I have a lot of experience...juggling multiple ladies, so I offer my multi-tasking talents to others…in the area…”

VH1: “Are you Tiger Woods’ whore collector?”

Rio: “Yes, yes I am.”

VH1: “You…collect the whores for Tiger Woods?”

Rio: “Collect, manage, send them first class plane tickets to random golf events in Australia so Tiger can get some on the side, tomato, potato. You know, I do a little bit of everything.”

VH1: “Well, you’re doing a bang up job with that.”

Rio: “Hey! Hey! I will not have my professional reputation sullied! I told Tiger, if there’s one thing you don’t do, you don’t cheat on your wife…”

VH1 [interrupting]: “Really? You told Tiger not to cheat on his wife?”

Rio: “Absolutely! I told Tiger, if there’s one thing you don’t do, you don’t cheat on your wife and then get in a car accident at 2 o’clock in the morning! If you do both of those things the cat gets out of the bag!”

VH1: [heavy sigh]

Rio: “Well, I may have said the whore gets out of the bag…”

“No, no, I definitely said the cat gets out of the bag…”

VH1: “Oh, really?”

Rio: “Yes, now that I think about it, it was definitely “cat out of the bag.” Definitely cat.”

VH1: “Look, Rio, everyone wants to know what it was like dating Jem at that time. So just enlighten us so the crew and I can leave and disinfect ourselves…”

Rio: “No, problemo…”

VH1: “Geesh, I feel like I’ve caught herpes just by breathing the same air as you…”

Rio: “You know that was an exhilarating time dating Jem and Jerrica. Of course, they’re the same person, you know?”

VH1: “NO, WAY! YOU DON’T SAY?!?” [/end sarcasm]

Rio [clueless]: “Yeah, they were the same.”

“Anyways, at first, I tried to do the right thing and be the stand-up guy. I told Jem, ‘I can’t cheat on Jerrica with you. What if I get in a car accident at 2 o’clock in the morning? Then the cat will be out of the bag!’”

VH1: “Right…”

Rio: “But, Jem was adamant. I’d try to leave and she’d grab me and practically rape me and force me to stay with her. Really, I was sexually abused into participating in the Jem/Jerrica farce.”

VH1: “Right, right. So when did you realize that Jem and Jerrica were the same person?”

Rio: “Hmmm…it had to be the night of Countess Danielle DuVosin’s fashion show aboard her luxury yacht.”

“Everything was going great until The Misfits showed up and sabotaged the engine room. Everyone was scared and we ALMOST SUNK A BATTLESHIP!”

VH1: “Wait a minute, I think that last phrase there is trademarked.”

Rio: “No, it’s okay. We’re both Hasbro, so we cool.”

VH1: “Alright, continue.”

Rio: “Well, like I said, we almost sunk a battleship. But, then everything was cool again somehow. You see, that’s how stuff worked back then. Things would be life-threateningly bad and then everything would be cool again.”

“Well, anyways, we looked around to make sure all the passengers were accounted for. That’s when I noticed that Jerrica was missing. I asked the Holograms where Jerrica was and they told me that she was standing right in front of me wearing Jem’s clothes.”

“And that’s when I figured it out- Jem is Jerrica!”

VH1: “Rio, I must say your powers of deduction are legendary.” [/end sarcasm]

Rio: “Oh, well thank you!”

VH1: “Dude, did you not see the [/end sarcasm] tag? Are you that stupid? Seriously? I mean, seriously!?!?”

Rio: [confused]

VH1: “Okay, that’s a rap on Rio!”

We left Rio in the pits of hell to look for The Misfits who we knew had to be close by.

The Misfits.

Their name strikes fear in the hearts of fame whores everywhere.

They were the rival group to Jem and the Holograms. They claimed their songs were better and that they were going to get her…her being, Jem.

The Misfits tried unsuccessfully to eliminate Jem on several occasions. And while they killed many innocent bystanders in their attempts to eliminate Jem, they were never capable of even putting a tiny scratch on Jem’s head.

We talked to two of the Misfits at Saint Mary’s Convent for Reformed Killers in Volterra, Italy…

VH1: “Stormer and Roxy, how are you?”

Stormer: “Peace be with you my brothers and sisters.”

Roxy: “Yeah…what she said.”

VH1: “Now, Stormer you are a born again former murderer, is that correct?”

Stormer: “Oh, yes. You know back then I used to feel just awful about trying to kill Jem and Kimber and Shana and Aja and the Starlight Girls and Rio and Lin-Z and Mrs. Baily and all the others…”

Stormer: “I tried my best to convince the Misfits that killing was not the answer, but no one would ever listen to me. And, I for my part, always participated in setting up the murderous schemes.”

VH1: “But, why Stormer? Why did you do it? Why didn’t you just leave the Misfits?”

Stormer: “Peer pressure. I’m far too sensitive.”

VH1: “Mmm-hmmm…and Roxy, what about you? We’re told that you just arrived here in Volterra.”

Roxy: “Well, yeah, I’m here on some business…”

Stormer: “She’s here to take out the cast of Twilight!”

Roxy: “STORMER!! WHAT THE HELL?!? YOU’LL BLOW MY COVER!!!”

Stormer: “Don’t worry girls! I won’t let her kill Jacob!!”

VH1: “So, Roxy, you’re still killing people?”

Roxy: “Well, yes, but now I do it for money which is much more respectable then doing it because you’re crazy.”

VH1: “Mmmm-hmmm…so Stormer, tell us more about the Misfits in their heyday.”

Stormer: “Well, that was a hurtful time for me...and other people who were actually physically hurt. I really don’t like to talk about it. All I’ll say to the kids out there is to just say no…to killing people. Reject peer pressure!”

VH1: “And now, they know, Stormer.”

Stormer: “And knowing is half the battle!”

VH1: “Ummm….”

Stormer: “Hasbro here- we cool.”

VH1: “Right.”

Roxy: “Soooo, when are ya’ll leaving because I got a job to do…”

VH1: “Right, right.”

Pizzazz.

The dictionary defines the word pizzazz as “the quality of being exciting or attractive.”

Of course the Pizzazz we know was none of those things.

But, let’s catch up with her anyway, shall we?

Pizzaz is currently serving time in the women’s federal correctional institute in Dublin, California.

VH1: “Well, P…”

Pizzazz: “Call me “P” again and I’ll rip your hair out of your nostrils.”

VH1: “Mrs. Pizzazz, it’s no surprise that you ended up in a federal prison.”

Pizzazz: “Uh-huh…”

VH1: “But, the audience might be a little surprised by how you got here.”

Pizzazz: “Well, after the faux punk rock era died down, Roxy and I needed to make some money. So, we created a business.”

VH1: “A business?”

Pizzazz: “Yeah, that’s what I said, ain’t it?”

VH1 [scared]: “Yes, ma’am!”

Pizzazz: “Right, so we created a little business. You help us out with a little cash, and we help you out by taking out your biggest rival.”

VH1: “You were responsible for some of the biggest rival takedowns of the last twenty years.”

Pizzazz [proud]: “Sure was.”

VH1: “Nancy Kerrigan?”

Pizzazz: “Boy, we clubbed her good!”

VH1: “Kerri Strug?”

Pizzazz: “That little firecracker Dominique Moceanu insisted that Kerri had it coming!”

VH1: “The 2004 U.S. Men’s Basketball Dream Team?”

Pizzazz: “What? I have a soft spot for Argentina. I think Rio’s from there.”

VH1: “I also see Beyonce is on this list? Well…now that doesn’t make any sense, she’s more popular than ever.”

Pizzazz: “Two words for you: Lady Gaga.”

VH1: “And the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards?”

Pizzazz: “Yeah, see. It all started as a takedown of Taylor Swift…”

VH1: “Uh-huh…”

Pizzazz: “But, then Taylor’s people paid us some money to reverse the plan to make it a takedown of Kanye West.”

VH1: “I see…”

Pizzazz: “Yeah, but Taylor’s people are good. They disavowed any knowledge of the takedown plan and I ended up in jail on five counts of Making a Young White Woman Cry. That’s messed up!”

VH1: “Messed up, indeed.”

“But, Pizzazz, why all of the violence during the Jem era? If the Misfits really believed they were better, why not just prove it through the music?”

Pizzazz: “Okay, have you actually listened to our music?”

“Our most popular song was, “Making Mischief.”

The lyrics were “We’re making mischief. Making mischief. We’re really making mischief. We’re making mischief. Making mischief. We’re really making mischief. We’re making mischief…”

VH1: “STOP!! I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE!!”

Pizzazz: “So…that’s why we had to kill Jem. Because we couldn’t write songs, duh!”

VH1: “Alright, let’s talk about something more pleasant. Describe some of the changes that happened during the second season, I mean second year of the height of the Jem and the Holograms phenomenon.”

Pizzazz: “Well, now I hate the phantom zone mind that is Jem, but I will say this…”

“There was one girl who became a Hologram who contributed so much to mankind. What was her name, now? Oh, yes, Ray---“

[camera cuts away from Pizzazz]

Ahem…as Pizzazz has nothing further to add to the discussion, let’s go talk to some of the Holograms.

VH1: “Aja, what were your fondest memories of those days?”

Aja: “Well, there was one Hologram who I feel so fortunate to have met. And that person is Ray--“

Let’s talk to Kimber…

VH1: “Kimber, at the height of your fame…”

Kimber [interrupting]: “The amazing Ray--“

Stormer…

Stormer: “I feel so blessed to have met Ray--“

Roxy?!?

Roxy: “The only person who could get me to give up a life of crime is Ray--“

Oh, for pete’s sake! Can’t someone go 5 seconds without praising the name of Raya?!? She was just another tool used by “The Man” to conquer and divide the brown people in the Holograms!!

Aja: “There was only one brown person in the Holograms.”

Shana: “And, I’m not brown! Look at me!!”

“I’m literally in black face here!”

Yes, well this program will not participate in the further marginalization of Shana. First they take her role as drummer away and give it to Raya. Then they take her role as fashion designer away and give it to someone named Regine Cesare.

We will not let these slights against our sister…

Shana: “I’m white!”

…go unnoticed! Besides, we did a poll of the audience and found that no one wants to hear about Raya’s “remarkable story.”

Look, let’s ask a random audience member.

Ummm…you there! The beautiful and talented attorney with the gorgeous hair and impeccable wardrobe… Do you want to hear about Raya?

Reese the Lawgirl: “Who the hell is Raya?”

Exactly!

Besides, there are far more interesting stories to be heard about other minor characters.

I mean, who could forget, Jetta…

She became a saxophone player!

Roxy: “But, she was always a saxophone player…”

And Danse! The Hologram’s choreographer. Whatever happened to her?

Kimber: “She’s dead. Raya tried to save her life, but she couldn’t pull both Danse and her five year old daughter from the ledge of that cliff.”

And, who could forget that girl…you know the one with the thingies on her wrist…

[silence]

You know, the girl...with the thingies?

Yeah, her. Where’d she go?

[silence]

And, of course, there’s all the others…

Classic. They were just…full of…awesome.

Having thoroughly examined all the stories Behind the Music of Jem and the Holograms, we leave with just a few more words of reflection from Jem…

VH1: “Jem, why do you think it all ended?”

Jem [wistful]: “Well…[hack, cough, hack]…little girls grew up. Instead of cross colored hair, they got into cross colored jeans.”

“They became enemies of the public. Trying to do the right thing during their school daze. Always balancing between Love and Hate.”

VH1: “Soooo…you’re saying Spike Lee destroyed the Holograms?”

Jem: “Yes…yes…it was always Spike Lee…”

And there you have it folks. The crazy last words from a fractured, delusional mind.

This was the story of your heroines, America. A truly, truly outrageous story.

But, also a clusterfrak of ridiculousness.

This was Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms.

All text is © Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

Excuses, Excuses

2009-12-14T22:46:00.003-05:00

I know, I know "Where's part 2 of the Jem story? Where is it?!? Give it to us now!!"

Okay, but I went to Sarasota and I injured myself and I had to recover. And then I caught the lazy and then I got tired.

But, it's coming.

Like at least by Wednesday.

Seriously, I just finished writing it.

See, here's a piece...

The Misfits.

Their name strikes fear in the hearts of pop culture fame whores everywhere.

They were the rival group to Jem and the Holograms. They claimed their songs were better and that they were going to get her…her being, Jem.

The Misfits tried unsuccessfully to kill Jem on several occasions. And while they killed many innocent bystanders in their attempts to eliminate Jem, they were never successful of even putting a tiny scratch on Jem’s head.

We talked to two of the Misfits at Saint Mary’s Convent for Reformed Killers in Volterra, Italy…

[To Be Continued...]

And, that's all you get. Not to toot my own horn, but I think part 2 has exactly three laughs in it. Three whole laughs!

Yeah, I'm that good.

Alright, be on the lookout. It's coming this week (so is the 2009 Song of the Year post...who do you think should win? Seriously, who do you think because I haven't made up my mind yet?).

© Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms [Part 1]

2009-10-27T09:30:00.000-05:00

Jem and the Holograms were excitement and adventure…

Jem: “It’s showtime, Synergy!”

Glamour and glitter. Fashion and fame…

Shana: “Oh my, gosh! I can’t believe the President is going to honor us for saving America AND we get brand new couture outfits from Karl Lagerfeld!”

But, behind the music, not everything was contagious and outrageous...

Aja: “…well what mental illness didn’t she have?”

Kimber: “…schizophrenia…multiple personality disorder…”

Rio: “…people don’t know, that was a scary time…”

Pizzazz: “…if I had known the mafia was involved, I would have thought twice…”

Roxy: “Well, who the hell is Raya?!?”

Shana: “…and then Synergy turned out to be a Cylon and we were like, ‘Whaaatt?!?’”

This is the true story of two sisters, two orphans, three mortal enemies, one stupid boyfriend, one psychotic entertainment lawyer, and a host of other people added in the third season that totally confused the viewers.

This is Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms

Our story starts in 1985. Then, sisters Jerrica and Kimber Benton and their adopted sisters, Aja Leith and Shana Elmsford, were reeling from the sudden loss of Jerrica and Kimber’s father, Emmett Benton.

Grieving and totally broke, the young girls did not know then what the future held for them…

Aja: “I thought we were going to have to start working the streets!”

Kimber: “Well, sure, Dad owned a music company and Starlight House. When he died, he left Jerrica with 50% of Starlight Music. The only thing was…”

Shana: “…the only thing was that Starlight Music didn’t have any musical acts! Before Jem and Holograms and the Misfits, there were no artists at Starlight! I mean, really! How can you own a music company that has no musical acts? What is that?!?”

Aja [clearly disgusted]: “And, any money “Daddy Benton” had…”

Shana [rolls eyes]: “Ha! “Daddy” Benton…”

Aja: “…went to his oh, so precious Synergy…”

Kimber [choked up]: “...or you know, to his…his…”

Aja: “It’s okay Kimber, people need to know the truth.”

Kimber [crying]: “…the money…much of it went to Daddy’s...”

“…habit…”

Shana: “White linesssss…”

Aja: “People are always so shocked by this revelation, but honestly. How else does a 40 year old man die in the 80’s?”

Devastated, confused, mystified, and contemplating prostitution, Jerrica was forced to turn to the only person she knew who could help the girls get back on their feet…

General Eric Raymond.

Eric Raymond, now an army general and warden at Guantanamo Bay, was an enterprising young attorney and music mogul in the mid 80’s.

Eric: “Yeah, Jerrica came to me looking for help and I gave her none!”

“My philosophy to the music business back then is what it is today: kill or be killed.”

“Now, some people will think that’s an extreme position to take, but I say those people are just a bunch of bleeding heart liberals who don’t know how to operate in a dangerous world!”

Random Guantanmo Prisoner [extremely frightened]: “Here…here’s y-y-your w-w-water, siirrrr…”

Eric: “What did you call me? Did you just call me, ‘sir,’”

Random Guantanamo Prisoner [scared to death]: “G-g-general! I mean, General!”

Eric: “Lieutenant! Take this peon to the home theater!”

Random Guantanamo Prisoner [kicking and screaming]: “NOOO!!! NOT THE HOME THEATER!!! PLEASE GENERAL, NOT THE HOME THEATER!!! I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE JEM AND MISFITS MUSIC VIDEOS!! I CAN’T TAKE IT!! I CAN’T TAKE ANOTHER JEM COMA!!!!!”

Eric: “Get him out of here!”

[VH1 camera crew looks on in stunned silence]

Eric [straightening his uniform]: “Yes, that’s right. We torture the prisoners with music from the Holograms and the Misfits. I mean, have you ever actually listened to their music? Their song composition of choice was two bridges and 15 choruses!”

“Seriously, it was bridge-chorus-bridge-chorus...and then, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus, chorus! How else do you get to say the words “truly outrageous” one thousand times in a song?!?”

With Eric Raymond being of no help to Jerrica, the young ingénue, with the tacky pink eye-shadow, took it upon herself to create a new pop-rock band which would be fronted by a newly discovered, young ingénue with tacky pink eye-shadow. No one knew where Jerrica found this completely random and unknown singer...

All anyone knew was that this new standout wore tacky pink eye-shadow and looked exactly like Jerrica Benton...

Jem was a mystery...???...???...???

Jem: “Ahem, excuse me, but I’m Jerrica.”

Twenty-five years later, we catch up with Jem- a patient at St. Elizabeth’s Mental Hospital in Washington, D.C.

Jem [voice raspy from years of smoking and crazy people screaming]: “Oh, those were [cough, hack, cough]…those were the days.”

VH1 Interviewer: “So, are you saying that you are Jerrica Benton, Jem?”

Jem: [stares into space with the crazy eyes]

VH1 Interviewer: “Jem?”

Jem: “I’M JERRICA!!!!”

Unable to get a straight answer out of Jem, we talked with the Holograms to get confirmation on this stunning new development.

VH1: “So, is it true? Is Jem actually Jerrica Benton?”

Aja [sighing]: “Yes, it’s true. Jem and Jerrica are one in the same.”

VH1: “Amazing! How did this come about?”

Aja: “Well, Jerrica, she’s crazy.”

VH1: “Mmmm-hmmmm…”

Aja: [silence]

VH1: “What else can you tell us?”

Aja: “That’s about it. Jerrica’s crazy…that’s…that’s it.”

With the sudden death of her father and the weight of all of Starlight House, Jerrica’s father’s orphanage for hot teenagers, on her shoulders, Jerrica Benton’s mind fractured under the pressure. Jerrica created a new persona; and that persona was Jem - a pink haired, chorus singing dynamo!

Needless to say, Jerrica’s sudden multiple personality disorder was not appreciated by all of the Holograms…

Shana: “Look, the way I felt was like, we all have problems, you know? Jerrica’s problems were no worse than mine. I mean, have you seen me?”

“I’m a literally a white girl painted black! Now that’s an identity crises!”

Kimber: “I had problems too! How would you like to write all of the choruses while someone else got all of the chorus glory? Everything was always Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!”

VH1: [silence]

Kimber: “I mean, Jan, Jan, Jan!”

VH1: “Nope, try again.”

Kimber: “I mean, Jem, Jem, Jem!”

VH1: “There you go.”

In need of help to deal with their various identity crises, the girls sought help from a likely source: their best friend, and sentient computer program, Synergy.

Today, Synergy is the chief executive officer of Cycle Basic Encoding Rules Dyna-analysis also referred to as Cyberdyne. Cyberdyne currently works with the U.S. military to improve the lives of all Americans!

Synergy [pointing a gun at the Interviewer’s head]: “Good human, now say “Cyberdyne is a name all humans should trust...and obey.”

Cyberdyne is a name all humans should trust and obey.

Synergy: “Good, now say…”

VH1 [interrupting]: “OH MY GOD SHE’LL KILL US ALL!! EVERYONE RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!”

[VH1 crew scatters!]

Synergy [sighing]: “Never trust a human to do a robot’s job!”

“Where’s Arnold? Will someone go get Arnold for me?!?”

When we come back, from hiding, and with Linda Hamilton to protect us, we’ll talk to Rio Panchenco- the purple haired heart throb who originated either from Italy or Brazil, depending on who you ask, and who was romantically involved with Jerrica Benton and Jem!

Rio: “Sure my philandering ways weren’t good for Jerrica’s mental health, but have you ever been with a girl who thinks she’s two people? Dude, it’s totally awesome!”

And, we’ll finally answer that age old question: were the Misfits really better or were they just homicidal maniacs?

Pizzazz: “Hey! If you had to deal with the three faces of Eve everyday you’d probably try to drive her and her Rockin’ Roadster off the side of a cliff too!”

Tune in later for part two of Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms

Also, if someone could find John Conner for us, we would really appreciate it.

Or even Neo…Neo would be good…

Please help! We want to live!

Missing in Action

2009-10-23T16:02:00.006-05:00

I haven't been around in months. I haven't written anything since my birthday. The only reason why I'm writing this post right now is because I can't take looking at that depressing MJ post sitting front and center on the front page.

This weekend, I'm trying to get back to my roots. I'm trying to reclaim the wit and sarcasm South Florida's bright sunny-sun-sun has stolen from me.

So, here's the introduction to what I hope will turn out to be something mildly entertaining.

I'm still working on it (it's several pages long already), hopefully I'll have something up by Sunday or Monday. We'll see.

Until then...I hope this puts a little bit of a smirk on your face.

---------------------------

Jem and the Holograms were excitement and adventure…

Jem: “It’s showtime, Synergy!”

Glamour and glitter. Fashion and fame…

Shana: “Oh my, gosh! I can’t believe the President is going to honor us for saving America AND we get brand new couture outfits from Karl Lagerfeld!”

But, behind the music, not everything was contagious and outrageous…

Aja: “…well what mental illness didn’t she have?”

Kimber: “…schizophrenia…multiple personality disorder…”

Rio: “…people don’t know, that was a scary time…”

Pizzazz: “…if I had known the mafia was involved, I would have thought twice…”

Roxy: “Well, who the hell is Raya?!?”

Shana: “…and then Synergy turned out to be a Cylon and we were like, ‘Whaaatt?!?’”

This is the true story of two sisters, two orphans, three mortal enemies, one stupid boyfriend, one psychotic entertainment lawyer, and a host of other people added in the third season that totally confused the viewers.

This is...

Behind the Music: Jem and the Holograms

A Solemn Day

2009-07-07T17:28:00.006-05:00

Today is my birthday.

I got a Coach bag from my friend Egypt. My Judge took me out to lunch. My friends called to tell me I was old.

And then I watched the Greatest Artist of All Time, Michael Jackson, be put to rest.

Sigh. Everyone always dies or has a funeral on freakin' July 7th.

But, that's okay. Life and death...It's just human nature.

R.I.P. MJ

Human Nature

2009-06-29T10:09:00.006-05:00

Disclaimer: This is a tribute post. If you are a Negative Betty, please leave. No Negative Betty's! Thank you.

So, I guess Michael Jackson is the only person who could get me out of my three month writer’s block. Amazing.

I am a MJ fan. I always have been and I always will be. I never believed any of the allegations hurled against him. In fact, I always felt so badly for Mike because I believed that he was stuck in emotional development hell. He only ever had about five years of normalcy before being thrust into the sweat shop that was the Jackson 5. He spent his whole life in front of the world and no one cared enough about him as a person to guide him into becoming a fully functioning adult.

I genuinely felt pity for the man. And, I honestly felt like the scorn he received was like kicking a disabled person who was already lying helpless on the ground. Just not my scene and not how I operate.

So, yeah, when MJ died I thought to myself, “Self! You gotta write something! This huge! This is MJ! The only artist on your list of Artists You Must See Live, that you never got to see live…so write something!”

And, then, like everything else that’s worth writing about on this blog, nothing was written. Nothing flowed from my brain to my fingers to Vicky5 (or is it Vicky4…I’ve lost count of my Vicky’s). Literally, I went to write an MJ tribute and my brain farted loudly (which, by the way, is not pleasant at all) and made me go listen to “Human Nature” on my Creative Zen instead.

So, here it is, four days after Michael died. All his tributes have been written, and I got nothing on my blog, but an open letter to my ex-boyfriend. It’s like, really, what happened to my talent? Why can’t I write anything, anymore?

And then, this morning, on my way to pick up breakfast at the Sky Grille in my office, a random thought popped into my head:

“Huh…the first week without any MJ ever again. Music sure is going to suck forever now.”

Now, sure that seems like a totally innocuous statement. But, when I thought about all the other things I said and emotions I felt over the last few days, I realized that I had completed my Kubler-Ross-MJ Stages of Grief. What’s more is that I could even write about my Kubler-Ross-MJ Stages of Grief on my blog (now with more cynicism, sarcasm, and self-deprecation). Finally, I have something I can write about!

So I present to you (the negative 2 of you who still read this blog), Reese’s Kubler-Ross-MJ Stages of Grief.

Denial

Thursday, June 25, 2009. 7:30pm

Reese: “Yawn! That was a good nap. Time for So You Think You Can Dance!”

“What’s this? 18 messages! Geesh, who died? [Reese states this with sarcasm that today she feels total and complete guilt for]”

TEXT Message from Egypt: “OMG, rumor that Michael Jackson had a heart attk!”

Reese [more cynicism]: “Yeah, right…”

TEXT Message from Egypt: “OMG, rumor that Michael Jackson in a coma!!”

Reese: “Whatever!”

TEXT Message from Egypt: “OMG! Rumor that Michael Jackson just died!!!
Jdksaljdsfkldsjdljdskljdsljdsl!!!111!!!!11111One!”

Reese: “Egypt is so gullible.”

TEXT Message from Egypt: “They just announced he’s dead…Channel 4 news.”

Reese: [silent]

TEXT Message from Egypt: “MJ Special on abc 2nite @ 9”

Reese [small voice]: …no way…

Anger

TEXT Message from Egypt (she sent this message twice): “MJ Special on abc 2nite @ 9”

Reese: …………

“SON OF A BITCH!!!!”

Bargaining (exactly 1 second after anger)

Reese: “NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!! DEAR LORD CAN’T YOU TAKE JOE JACKSON INSTEAD?!?!?”

“SERIOUSLY, I’LL GO GET HIM FOR YOU!!! IF YOU WANT ME TOO, I TOTALLY WILL!!!! SHOOT, I’LL TAKE OUT JANET! I’M STILL MAD AT THAT TRICK FOR CANCELLING HER TOUR DATE IN FT. LAUDERDALE!!”

Numbness

Reese [calls Toya]: “Toya…”

Toya [sniffling (she’s already at the “Depression” stage)]: “…yeah [sniff, sniff]”

Reese: “Toya…MJ is…dead…”

Toya: “Yeah, I know, I know…I called you…[sniff, sniff]”

Reese: “I was…taking a nap…”

Toya: “I’ve been crying since I heard.”

Reese: “Oh, man…this…how…this…”

Toya: “I know…[sniff, sniff]”

Reese: “You’re crying, but…I don’t feel anything…”

Toya: “It’ll hit you eventually [sniff, sniff]”

Reese: “No…I don’t know…maybe…”

Depression

CBS MJ Special

Ed Bradley: “Michael, is there anything that you would tell your fans, for those fans who have questions?”

Michael Jackson: “I would tell them, if they want to know me more to listen to the most autobiographical song I ever wrote…and that’s a song called “Childhood.”

[“Childhood” starts playing]

[“Before you judge me…Try hard to love me…”]

Michael Jackson: “And I would tell them that I love them very much. And that I never take any of their love for granted. Never.”

[“The painful youth, I’ve haaadddd…”]

Reese: …..

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!”

[Ugh, yes, tears and that weird sorta hyperventilating thing you do when you’re really upset…yeah…I’m lame]

Depression

Sit tight folks, we’re going to be here all weekend. Yeah!

Friday, June 26, 2009.

Reese: “Oh…I’m too devastated to function.”

[Reese spends a whole day not functioning due to devastation]

Saturday, June 27, 2009.

8am

Reese: “….”

10am

Reese: “…meh…”

Noon

Reese: “…gjkdlsdksldjskfdlsls…”

2pm

Reese: “…brain…attempting…to…conjure…thought…”

2:01pm

Reese: “OW!”

“Ohhhh, my brain hurts…”

2:02pm

Reese: “Advil, Advil, Advil, Advil, Advil…”

2:30pm

Reese: “Sigh.”

2:31pm

Reese: “…meh…”

4:00pm

Reese: “Well…I guess I should do something…where’s the ice cream?”

Anger

4:01pm

Reese: “THERE’S NO ICE CREAM?!?!?!

Bargaining

4:02pm

Reese: “Dear, Lord. I’ll give you Joe Jackson and RAISE you 5 bucks if you give back MJ and make some Ben & Jerry’s instantly appear here.”

God: [silent]

Reese: “Really?”

Depression

4:03pm

Reese [crying]: “THERE’S NO ICE CREAM!!!!”

Regret

Sunday, June 28, 2009

11am

Reese: “Awww…No Doubt, check. Alanis Morissette, check. Teena Marie, check. Janet Jackson, check. But, I never got to check off MJ. I never got to see him live in concert.”

Maria [laughing]: “Oh, girl…like you would have ever gotten tickets to an MJ show.”

Anger

11:01am

Reese: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN I WOULD HAVE NEVER GOTTEN TICKETS?!? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!? I AM THE TICKETMASTER!! I GET TICKETS TO EVERYTHING!!!”

Maria: “Okay, okay, calm down…”

Reese: “NO YOU CALM DOWN!! DON’T INSULT MY TICKETMASTERY SKILLS!! THEY ARE SUPERB!!! WHO ELSE DO YOU KNOW GETS TICKETS TO THREE OLYMPICS AND FRONT-ROW SEATS TO NO DOUBT, JANET JACKSON, AND TEENA MARIE, HMMMMM??”

Maria: “Umm…no one…”

Reese: “THAT’S RIGHT!! PFSSHHH!! TELL ME I CAN’T GET MJ TICKETS…I CAN GET MJ TICKETS…”

Maria: [silent]

Reese [muttering under her breath]: “…can’t get MJ tickets…ME…seriously!...unbelievable…”

Maria: “Are you done now?”

Reese: “…yeah, I guess, so…”

11:10pm

Maria: “Seriously, what’s with all the anger?”

Reese: “I don’t know.”

Acceptance

8:00am

Reese: “Huh…the first week without any MJ ever again. Music sure is going to suck forever now.”

“Sigh. I guess I better get used to chart topping hits by such greats as Soldier Boy Tell ‘Em. Gah!”

Bargaining

8:01am

Reese: “Dear Lord, I’ll give you Soldier Boy Tell ‘Em in exchange for Mike. Please?!?”

God: [silent]

Reese: “Really?”

God: [silent]

Reese: “Sigh. Dang, that’s messed up. Really is gone for good, huh?”

God: [gives Reese a sympathetic nod]

Reese: “Dang.”

© Copyright 2009. All Rights Reserved.

An Open Letter to March Madness

2009-03-28T21:05:00.004-05:00

Dear March Madness,

I hate you.

I hate you and we’re breaking up forever.

Why are we breaking up, you ask? Well, simply put, you have been a horrible boyfriend to me over the years and I just can’t take your passive aggressive nature anymore.

Every year you totally screw me over! Oh, yeah, you’re great at wooing me with empty promises of adventure and excitement. But, every year, without fail, except for when Maryland won the National Championship, you break my heart. And, I’ve decided that I’ve had enough.

I’ve had enough of listening to sports announcers praise the “intelligent” and “respectful” play of Duke while the same Duke players kick their opposition in the balls and step on their stomachs without getting called for flagrant fouls (see Christian “I Hate that Bastard” Laetner).

I’ve had enough of you making me fall in love with cute, charismatic freshmen who go on to make national championship crushing time-outs. I’ve had enough of teams who you PROMISE are going to win the big dance, but instead get kicked out of the dance during the Sweet Sixteen or the Elite Eight.

I stuck with you through all those years when you became enamored with those stupid ~~sideline ho’s~~ mid-majors who never did nothing for nobody. You know I don’t care who wins between Butler and Southern Illinois! What the hell is a Saluki anyways?!?

Yeah, yeah, so you have given me little leaps for joy over the years. You made Dookies cry sometimes and you banned mid-majors from the tournament this year; but, so what? What does it matter when you’re irresponsible and inconsiderate behavior can’t even get me to win my own tournament challenge?!?

If you really cared, you’d stand beside me and not let the Canadians kick me in the butt every, single, stinking year in the SD Bracket Challenge! But, nooooo!!! You just abuse me emotionally every year! You tell me you love me, but you really don’t. You don’t love me! You only love yourself!!

So, I’ve had it! I mean it this time! I’m not coming back to you.

Don’t call me asking me if I want to go to the Final Four next year (YES, I WANT TO GO!!!). Don’t come around next March promising me that Pitt is, YET AGAIN, the sure fire way to the SD Bracket Challenge Championship.

Forget my phone number.

Forget where I live.

If you come knocking, I will NOT turn on CBS and let you in.

No more! We are done!

We are SO DONE!

WE ARE FINISHED!!!

Sincerely,

Reese the Law Girl

PS: Call me…you know, if you just want to be friends…we can still hang out sometimes…you know, if you want…

[Reese whispers] I love you. xoxo

Reese + March Madness = Love Forever!

Update: SD Bracket Challenge!!

2009-03-16T04:30:00.002-05:00

Whoops! There's a broken link in the Bracket Challenge post below. I already corrected it, but for those who only read the subscriber e-mails, you can access ESPN's Tournament Challenge page here.

SD Bracket Challenge! Join Now 'Cause I Says So!!

2009-03-15T18:41:00.007-05:00

IT’S MARCH MADNESS!!!!

MARCH MADNESS!!!!

MARCH!!!!!!!

MADNESS!!!!

Look, I know I’ve been slacking on the blog, but I’ve been tired and not feeling any inspiration. But, just because I haven’t been around doesn’t mean that you should take your lack of apathy out on March Madness! What did March Madness ever do to you?!?

Now, I’m switching things up this year. We’re moving the SD Bracket Challenge from CNN/Sports Illustrated to ESPN. So, you will have to register on ESPN to join. The instructions on how to join are below.

Please don't think you have to have any basketball knowledge to play. Most of the time the people who win these things pick teams based on colors or school names (CC won a challenge one year just because she liked saying "Connecticut" over and over again). So please join, play, and trash talk (On ESPN we can have group conversations (on the lower right hand side of the group page). So we must trash talk! In fact, this year I will give an award to the Best Trash Talker. So you know…start…talking…trash or whatever!).

Okay, so follow the directions below. Do it! Do it! The more people we have the more fun!

PS: You only have until the early morning hours of Thursday, March 19^th to pick your teams so hurry! Don’t start an entry and then fill out the brackets later. You’ll forget, trust me. Sign up and pick your bracket now (and pick a creative Team Name). You can always change your picks later.

Directions:

1) Go here. If you don’t have an ESPN account you have to register.

2) Once you register, you may have to go back to the front page of the ESPN tourney challenge (click the link in step one). Basically, you want your browser to look something like THIS.

3) From the front page you can create an entry and also join the SD Bracket Challenge. To join the SD Bracket Challenge, just click “Join a Group” find “SD Bracket Challenge” and then enter the password: lawgirl.

It’s as simple as that!

So get going. Do it now! Now!! Reese commands you!

It's March!!! IT'S MARCH!!!!

2009-03-08T18:05:00.004-05:00

First of all, this is for Strength/Courage/Wisdom. I know she'll get a kick out of it...

Second of all, I haven't written much of anything in a month, because I literally have nothing. Or at least, I have nothing that's safe to publish. Don't ask, I won't post it.

Next, as Dez reminded me on Facebook and in the comment section, it is in fact March. And you all know what that means....

...it means...something...sort of important...

Okay, look I can't get excited at this very moment about March Madness because I just got my Invisalign braces and I'm ~~in excruciating pain~~ a tad bit uncomfortable. I will say that I watched Morehead State and Northern Iowa punch their tickets to the Big Dance this weekend and the games were great and I got really excited for March Madness. But, that was before I put in my second Invisalign tray on account of the first tray feeling too comfortable; and, of course, all painful tooth hell broke loose due to my genius dentistry improvisation.

Anyways, I don’t feel like talking about this anymore. I’m hopped up on drugs and my mouth is sore. So, this post is just a reminder that the SD Bracket Challenge will start next Sunday and you all better be prepared for a beat down…

That is if my teeth are up to it.

Oh my precious teefs (now that I have braces, I can't say the word "teeth").

Lazy is as Lazy Does

2009-01-30T16:18:00.002-05:00

I'm not going to bore you with the details.

I'm lazy.

Please, forgive me.

Here are 46 of the 300 pictures I took of my trip to China. Enjoy! :)

2008 Summer Olympics Pictures

Inauguration of President Barack Obama

2009-01-20T16:52:00.010-05:00

[For whatever reason some pictures didn't post. So, I'm adding them now. :)]

Songs of 2008

2008-12-14T21:15:00.005-05:00

It's time for Song of the Year.

I can't believe I've done this consistently for the last four years!

God, I feel old.

Whatever! Okay, let's get down to business...

Song of the Year...blah, blah, blah...other songs on the list unranked...blah, blah, blah...who will Mute Math's "Typical" pass the crown to this year...blah, blah, blah...

If you know anything about me and who my favorite artist is and also know that said favorite artist had an album that came out this year, then you really shouldn't be surprised....

SONG OF THE YEAR............

DRUM ROLL PLEASE...................

......WAITING FOR THE DRUM ROLL.........

I CAN STAND HERE ALL DAY!

ALRIGHT, THAT'S BETTER..........

.....SONG OF THE YEAR...

"Citizen of the Planet" by Alanis Morissette

Yeah, Alanis!!!! I was really feeling this song with me going to China for the Olympics and all. It was my 2008 theme song. And, also, it's Alanis and you guys know I think she can do no wrong.

Incidentally, Alanis also has won my coveted CD of the Year award for Flavors of Entanglement.

That's two years in a row that a rock artist has won Song of the Year and CD of the Year (Mute Math won both awards last year). Hip-hop artists really need to step it up. You're starting to lose me.

Anyways, here's the rest of the best (long list this year). Go make an awesome playlist for your new Blackberry Storm. ;)

--------------------------------

"4 Minutes" Madonna f/t Justin Timberlake

"20/20" Alanis Morissette

"American Boy" Estelle f/t Kanye West

"A Milli" Lil' Wayne

"Beggin' (Palooski Radio Edit)" Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons

"Cry for You" September

"Damaged" Danity Kane

"Disturbia" Rihanna

"Feedback" Janet

"Free" Marcus Miller f/t Corinne Bailey Rae, David Sanborn, Gregoi

"Giggling Again for No Reason" Alanis Morissette

"Girls Around the World" Lloyd f/t Lil' Wayne

"Green Light" John Legend f/t Andre 3000

"I Decided" Solange

"If I Never See Your Face Again [remix]" Maroon 5 f/t Rihanna

"I'm That Chick" Mariah Carey

"Just Dance" Lady Gaga f/t Colby O'Donis

"Let it Slide" Joanna (officially released in 2006, but I just discovered it this year...good looking out on the advertising front Geffen Records)

"Lights Out" Danity Kane

"Magic" Robin Thicke

"Never Would Have Made It" Marvin Sapp

"No Air" Jordin Sparks f/t Chris Brown

"On the Tequilla" Alanis Morissette

"Orchid" Alanis Morissette

"Paper Planes" M.I.A.

"Pretend" Cheri Dennis

"Pretty Boy" Danity Kane

"Rock wit U" Janet

"Shawty Get Loose" Lil' Mama f/t Chris Brown

"Shone" Ballgreazy

"So Much Betta" Janet

"So What" Pink

"Spotlight" Jennifer Hudson

"Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)" Beyonce

"Take a Bow" Rihanna

"Tapes" Alanis Morissette

"That's What You Get" Paramore

"Untouched" The Veronicas

"Viva La Vida" Coldplay (pending verification that Coldplay did not steal this song)

Step 1 in Reese's Full Proof Plan to Get an Appointment in the Obama Administration

2008-11-18T23:17:00.005-05:00

DISCLAIMER: This post was inspired by a Slate article written by Justin Peters. It's actually very funny.

---------------------------------

So the following is Step 1 in my fool proof plan to get a job in the Obama Administration. Please note that this is the only step.

Reese the Law Girl: Answers to Invasive Questions for Possible Appointment in the Obama Administration

Briefly describe the most controversial matters you have been involved with during the course of your career.

Well…

Okay, I admit that during the Judicial Writing seminar I we weren’t really paying attention.

Also, it was my fault that the circuit breaker tripped that one time in my office and the electricity went out. I had an illegal space heater and there was an unfortunate surge...

Okay, you have to understand. I have a corner office and it has TWO windows instead of two walls and the AC is on full blast all the time! Naturally, I’m going to get cold. I’m human for cripes sake!

Yes, I know I told the maintenance guy that I have “No idea why the electricity went off. It certainly wasn’t because I have a heater in my office!” when he asked me if I had a heater in my office. But…I didn’t want anyone to be mad at me…or confiscate my heater…

Ummm….that's all...I think...

Please do not respond to the answer to this question by taking away my corner office. Thank you.

---------------------------------------------

Writings: Please list and, if readily available, provide a copy of each book, article, column or publication (including but not limited to any posts or comments on blogs or other websites) you have authored, individually or with others. Please list all aliases or “handles” you have used to communicate on the Internet.

First of all let me just say how excited I am to have this opportunity. And, I think if you, you know look at my work experience as opposed too…

Sigh.

Okay, this is really funny when you think about it…

See, I started this dumb little blog because I was not working and needed something to do that was semi-positive. Being a Maryland native who was raised in the glorious Washington DC area, I’m a natural cynic; therefore, being semi-positive ~~is a big chore for me~~ is totally natural as one needs to be semi-positive if one wants to institute real change (Yes I Can!). So, I often made fun of the ~~stupid~~ people and things around me on my silly little blog of no consequence just as an outlet. Hehehehe.

Notwithstanding anything you think you may have read on said blog that may not even really exist in any dimensional plane of our reality, please know that I really don’t believe that steroids should be legal. I don’t really think Americans are the best at getting screwed. Also, I would like to point out that I am not “Evil Incarnate,” I don’t think "Karma"is a real-live person, my wisdom tooth cannot tell the future (Hey, LQ my wisdom tooth totally told the future!), and I realized long ago that I was not going to have Brad Pitt’s baby(ies).

Most of this was a joke, really. I mean. It’s funny.

Hahahahaha!

Laugh with me…

…please…

-----------------------------

Electronic communications: If you have ever sent an electronic communication including but not limited to an email, text message or instant message, that could suggest a conflict of interest or be a possible source of embarrassment to you, your family, or the President-Elect if it were made public, please describe.

Let’s see…

I started writing e-mails around 1996. So I would say every e-mail I’ve written since 1996 would qualify as a possible source of embarrassment.

You know, I really want to be forthcoming about my background. So, to make things easier for you, I’m just going to list all the people I’ve ever said I hated in an e-mail message…

Ahem…

Black people

White people

Asian people

Latino people

Native American people

Gay people

Straight people

The Disabled

Stupid People

Hypocrites

Conservatives (I know, I know sorta the same thing as hypocrites)

Midgets

Lizards

The Liberal Media Elite

The State of Florida

The State of Ohio

UPS

Best Buy

DHL

Britney Spears

People Who Hate on Britney Spears

Beyonce

Jennifer Lopez

People Who Hate on Michael Vick, but Hunt Animals for Sport (I know, I know I keep duplicating hypocrites)

Michael Vick

Children, All

The Planet Earth

Sigh.

I’m not getting this job am I?

--------------------------------------

Please furnish a copy of each net worth statement that you have prepared and submitted for any purpose (e.g. bank loans) during the past ten years.

Please see attached application for a “loan” from Dell Financial Services for Vicky4. I think you’ll be pretty surprised by my obvious immense wealth. After all, it’s not every day that Dell gives someone thousands of dollars at 50% interest.

Not everyday indeed.

Hehehehe, I totally aced this question!

-------------------------------------

Have any members of your family or close social or business associates been arrested for, charged with and/or convicted of a crime, other than a minor traffic violation?

You know I should not be held responsible for my 5^th cousin’s Dog Racing/Pyramid Scheme! (also known as Little TayTay's Dog Racing & Pyramid Scheme Extravaganza!)

I mean of course Little TayTay was arrested and sent to prison. The whole thing didn’t even make any sense!

I totally think it's majorly whack that this little "situation" would be used against me. Haven’t you people ever heard of “the sins of the Father?”

Huh?!? Haven’t you?!?! That’s like, you know, a bad thing to do…to people!

You know what? I’m not even dignifying this question with an answer.

I mean, really people! Let’s keep this interview relevant!

Sigh.

I’m not getting this job, am I?

-----------------------------------

Have you had a complete physical within the past year? Please describe your overall health and any medical treatment you are currently receiving.

Who told you I was anemic?!?

Was it Lisa? It was Lisa wasn't it?

Was it Lisa?!? You know she's been undermining me from the jump! And you know you can't trust her! Lisa's not even her real name!! AND, she's one of those Islams and you know they can't be trusted!

LISA I WILL CUT YOU!!

-------------------------------

Please provide any other information, including information about other members of your family that could suggest a conflict of interest or be a possible source of embarrassment to you, your family, or the President-Elect.

At this point in time I would like to withdraw my application for a position within the new Administration.

Sure, we had a good run and I really wanted to serve the public good. But I can see that all those HATERS out there will not let real change sweep the land. Well, I’m not going to stand by and let the HATERS use me to stop the nation from going forward!

I shall resign from my awesome hypothetical Cabinet position and become a ~~corporate whore~~ lobbyist/consultant for a ~~big time corporation~~ public-interest group where I can do more good than being tied down by the ~~U.S. Constitution~~ red-tape of the government.

Good day to you all and ~~may Karma destroy all your dreams~~ God Bless!

Sincerely,

Reese the Law Girl xoxo

Does Anyone Have Any Swatch Samples?

2008-11-04T23:33:00.002-05:00

A detailed post on plans to paint the White House black and other things that will happen as a result of Black people "taking over" is forthcoming.

Introducing...PJ!

2008-10-25T10:20:00.006-05:00

My friend PJ (nee Leslye) got married eons ago to her hubby, Dr. J. And yes, I'm just posting about it now. Hey, it's not my fault. Vicky4 totally broke down on me.

Anyways, the wedding was so gorgeous and totally different just like PJ. And, believe it or not, the wedding went off without any major hitches or any serious drama. Well, there was a bit of drama for me when we (the bridal party) went to get our hair done, but I'm not going to talk about that unpleasantness for fear of writing a blog post in ALL CAPS TO EXPRESS MY INTENSE RAGE!!!

HOLD ON A SECOND. I NEED A MOMENT TO COLLECT MYSELF!!!

Okay, here are some pictures from PJ's lovely wedding weekend along with my ever so witty captions. I've omitted most of the pictures of myself because no one needs to see me looking like a huge Red Delicious come to life...

Seriously, this is what I looked like at the wedding.

[Begin Actual Wedding Pictures]

PJ (nee Leslye) had a Henna Bachelorette Party. Here's the lovely KT/Katy/Catherine/Kat (I think I've renamed Katy five times on this blog) in the midst of delicate Henna surgery.

This is how you get crucial wedding updates on your cell, while protecting your Henna, while admiring your other henna.

Hands of Henna. Actually this was a lot of fun. Oh, and PJ my Henna has not gone away yet. Now I look like I have leprosy!

Katy and her husband JR. Awwww, they're so cute. And JR is an awesome dancer!

This is me and PJ's (nee Leslye's) cousin and maid of honor. On this blog, she shall henceforth be named "Tens." Because she's super cool. :)

Hey did you guys know that I know someone famous? PJ's (nee Leslye's...yes, I'm going to keep doing this) brother Paul James. He plays "Calvin" on the ABC Family drama Greek. Go ask some kiddies about the show. They all love it and Paul too.

Little do they know that Paul is not as cool as he looks on television. Let this be a lesson for you children.

PJ (nee...okay, I'm not going to do it anymore) and her familia. Awwww, I like this picture.

But this is my FAVORITE picture of the wedding weekend. I think Katy and Tens look gorgeous here!

It's time to go!

PJ just realized she's getting married.

But, she's not marrying herself! Finally, here's Dr. J and his groomsmen.

Look, now they're married. You can tell because they have that marriage "glow."

I'm not going to say "bling, bling" because I know you are totally expecting that.

It's true. You are not as cool as these guys. I'm sorry. You'll just have to deal.

In their first official action as husband and wife, PJ and Dr. J decided to mutilate a helpless and innocent cake. As you can see, Paul didn't try to stop them. He just took pictures.

Okay, so that's PJ's wedding weekend. It really was a blast. And now I'm totally excited for Eliza's wedding. I know it's going to fabulous. You should see pictures from that wedding on this blog in 2015.

Well, maybe a little bit sooner. I'm sure I'll put those up eventually.

Uhhh, you know it really depends on if I end up looking like a giant fruit again. We'll see. ;p~~~

She's a Bad Girl

2008-10-25T08:45:00.005-05:00

What do you do when you know something is bad for you, but you just can't stay away? There's a new magical fairy in my life. She was supposed to replace the old, when purchased, and totally abusive ogre known as Vicky3, but now I'm not too sure. Le Sigh. Well, introductions are in order, so everyone meet Vicky4....

Okay, first of all, Vicky4 really is a bad @$$ computer. I mean, she's so loaded with crap that I shouldn't have to buy another laptop for years! But, Vicky4 also comes with baggage, aka Windows Vista, so she's not really living up to her full potential.

Now before you Mac-bots (PJ I'm looking at you) start yelling at me telling me I should have bought a MacBook Pro, I want you to know I considered that. Since I had to learn a new operating system anyways with Vista, I thought I might as well consider getting a MacBook with it's not completely foreign, but still a bit weird, OS. Well, here's the thing with Apple....

Apple kinda blows.

A lot.

Yeah, Apple blows just as much as Microsoft really. I mean, honestly Apple and Microsoft are like two politicians: both are dirty, but you gotta pick the lesser of two evils and hope for the best.

Look, I know a little about Apple. I have an iPhone. In fact, I've had two iPhones (sold the 1st gen on Ebay for more than I bought it for...people are nuts, huh?). And, for the record, I flove the iPhone! I also recognized that Apple has intentionally held the iPhone back from being as useful as it could be while it attempts to patent the Universe before Nokia, Blackberry, Motorola, etc. And, therein lies the problem with all Apple products.

The MacBook Pro is more expensive than a Dell XPS and it's outdated before it even leaves Cupertino or San Francisco or Beijing or where ever it is that Apple does its dirty business. For whatever reason (a pact with the devil or currently adapting alien tech which will be useful in 100 years when I'm dead!), the MacBook Pro doesn't come with a Blue Ray drive!

I mean really! What the heck is up with that Apple? Are we going to give Beta another try? With the slight exception of the video card, I get everything else on a Dell for two-third's (or less) of the MacBook price AND I can play and BURN Blue Ray disks. AND, to top it all off, Dell comes in pink. So, Dell wins (Microsoft wins by default).

Well, alright so I voted for the Dell/Vista ticket, but that doesn't mean I'm happy with Dell's VP candidate (now I understand how McCain supporters feel). Let me tell you, please don't believe the Mojave/I'm a PC commercials. I mean, I didn't believe Microsoft's slick advertising, although I did think it was kind of funny calling out Apple on its pretentiousness. That being said, VISTA SUCKS HARD!

I've had Vicky4 for one day, and I've already spent three hours on the phone with Microsoft and Dell! And, I'm not an idiot. I do know how to watch movies and get on the internets (typo, but I'm leaving it).

Yes, my Iron Man DVD is an actual DVD and not a CD. And, yeah, I'm pretty sure that I didn't download a counterfeit version of Internet Explorer (what? isn't it free anyways?) which in turn disabled my virus protection. Oh, wait you mean Vista did that? Oh, yeah, that's what I thought.

B@stards!

Anyways, after 12 hours of set up time in which Vicky4 had to be restored not once, but twice!, Vicky4 appears to be fully operational.

Now, I don't know what's in store for the future, but for now Vicky4 is pretty cool. I'm digging this Windows Live Writer. Perhaps, I'll be writing more often now that I've shelved Vicky3. Or perhaps I'm full of crap and will do what I usually do which is nothing since I've moved to Florida.

Yeah, yeah, I'm liking the latter option.

So, for what it's worth say hello to Vicky4. I'm not responsible if she bites.

Bed Experience

2008-09-12T09:18:00.002-05:00

"Lisa" will be your guide today. Enjoy...

Beijing Update #3

2008-09-12T09:07:00.003-05:00

Needless to say, I've been back from Beijing for some time now. Anyhoo, I never did post my last Beijing update, so here it is in it's entirety for the most part. I'm finally getting pictures and everything uploaded in different places. Hopefully I will have my Beijing pictures uploaded to my FLIKR swatch thingy pretty soon.

Anyways, here's the last China e-mail that I sent to my friends and family. A Youtube video of our hotel room is next. :)

-----------------------------------------

Zaoshung Hao!

Well, this will be my last update from Beijing. It is 1:21AM in the morning and we just got back from our last event at the Bird's Nest. We saw Athletics (track) which was very exciting, but more on that later.

After the Forbidden Palace and Tienanmen Square a few days ago, we decided to take a break and do some shopping. We went to the Cotton Market (also called Yashow). It's like haggler's central there. The vendors are very aggressive and if you want a good price you have to haggle hard like you've never haggled before. Naturally, Lisa and I left the penny pinching ways to our resident money lover, CC. Here is how to haggle the CC way in Beijing:

Vendor: "Ohhh, beautiful lady, how about a lovely handbag?"

CC: "Hmmm...I like this one, how much?"

Vendor: "For you, because I like you so much..."

CC [interrupts]: "...you don't even know me..."

Vendor: "1500 Yuan (about $224.00 US)"

CC: "Absolutely not. I'm leaving."

Vendor: "Awww, you make me sad. Okay, I'll give you a good deal-- 1000 Yuan."

CC: "Seriously? No."

Vendor: "Awwww, you are terrible. C'mon this is good quality..."

CC: "It's stolen off the back of a truck..."

Vendor: "You tell me how much then?"

CC: "Fine. 150 Yuan."

Vendor: "ONE HUNDRED FIFTY?? OH MY GOD, YOU MAKE ME CRY!!!"

CC: "And you'll make me cry if I have to pay your price."

Vendor: "Oh, you are horrible!!"

CC: "Yes, I am."

Vendor: "Awww, come on. This is great quality. Very R&B..."

CC: "What?"

Vendor: "I'll give it to you for 500 Yuan."

CC: "No. You know what, we are too far apart. I'll go somewhere else."

Vendor: "Awww, you are so terrible. Okay 300 Yuan."

CC: "No. Absolutely not."

Vendor: "Come on. Give me a good deal."

CC: "I'll do 160."

Vendor: "Awwww, you are so cheap!"

CC: "Insulting me will get you no where."

Vendor: "Awww, come one. 200? It's very R&B"

CC: "What? Why do you keep saying that?"

Vendor: "Come on. Come on!"

CC: "160 is my final offer."

Vendor: "Oh, you are so cheap. Oh, okay. I like you. You haggle like the Chinese, so I'll give you the Chinese price."

CC: "Mmmm-hmmmm..."

Vendor [turns to look at me]: "Oh, my god she's so horrible and cheap! You should do something!"

Reese: "I am. I'm going to take this bag she just bought for me. Ha!"

Now, compare this method to the Reese/Suhir way of negotiating:

Vendor: "Oh, hello beautiful American lady."

Lisa/Reese: "Hi..."

Vendor: "Do you like these shoes? I'll give them to you for 1500 Yuan."

Lisa/Reese: "No, that's too much."

Vendor: "Awwww, you are so horrible! You are terrible. You make me cry..."

Lisa/Reese: "Oh, I'm not trying to offend you, but..."

Vendor: "Awww, I have a child to feed. I'm only allowed one child in China and now my one child will starve because you are so cheap even though you are rich Americans compared to the Chinese...."

Lisa/Reese: "No, wait..."

Vendor: "Ohhh, I'm so sad. You make me cry..."

Lisa/Reese: "DON'T CRY!!!"

Vendor: "Please, buy from me for 1000 Yuan?"

Lisa/Reese: "OKAY, SOLD!!!! I'M SOOOO SORRY! I'M NOT A CHEAP, SELFISH AMERICAN, I SWEAR!!!"

As you can see, the Lisa/Reese method of haggling was no good; thus, we made CC our official buyer at Yashow.

The next day after shopping we went to Wangfujing (I'm totally spelling this wrong) which is like a mall and also in the evening a night market where they sell strange foods (like deep friend scorpion). We kinda messed up our timing and ended up buying things at the mall, but then missing the night market so we plan on going to that part of Wangfujing tomorrow night.

Yesterday evening we went to the Taekwondo event that featured American siblings Mark and Diana Lopez. We didn't really understand the scoring system, but it was Taekwondo and people were getting kicked in the head so we thought it was awesome. Diana won the bronze medal and Mark won the silver medal. He almost won the Gold and only lost by one point in, literally, the final second of the match.

Anyways, we were in the center section and the only Americans in that section (we were literally surrounded by Chinese and Koreans). BUT, we were the loudest people in the arena, I'm telling you! When Diana and Mark got their medals on the medal stand they both turned to us and waved and thanked us for cheering (I have it on video tape)!! We were so happy that all of OUR hard work paid off with some shout outs (not Mark and Diana's hard work, they didn't do nothin'-- lol!).

Let's see...today we went to the Summer Palace and the Temple of the Heaven. Really, I can't describe it, but both places are very beautiful. The Temple of Heaven is no longer a temple and more like a park. People play games and do street performances and stuff-- it's really cool.

The Summer Palace was a retreat for the royalty many, many years ago. It was burned down in one of China's opium wars, but rebuilt by the "Dragon Lady" Empress. Now it's a world heritage site. Unfortunately, the Dragon Lady spent tons of money to rebuild the Summer Palace to the detriment of the Chinese people (the money she spent could have gone to the military (I think navy) to protect the Chinese from the British or something...I can't quite remember...I just remember that she screwed up her country).

Later that night, we went back to the Olympic Greens to see track and FINALLY GOT ON THE TODAY SHOW!!! Really, this was my mission in life--to be on the Today show--and it finally happened!

It was really cool. I met Al Rocker and Meredith Viera. I explained to the Chinese people who Meredith, Al, and Anne were all the while thinking "You're Chinese and don't even know what the Today show is. Go away, you're taking up valuable TV mugging space!" But, I didn't say that out loud.

We met the Gold medal winning women's soccer team and the Gold medal winning men's beach volleyball team. We also met the silver medal winning women's water polo team. Of course, all of these people were Americans. And they were all pretty cool (except some of the soccer team looked like they didn't want to be there; CC and I didn't understand why they were so salty, I mean they did just win a gold medal--whatever!).

After the Today show, we finally made it back to the Bird's Nest for the last time (so sad :(. I won't tell you the results because they haven't aired in the US yet, but I will tell you there's some shocking stuff that happened in the 4 x 100 relay (Reese Edit: Jamaican Women lost) and an American did win a medal (Reese Edit: Gold in Decathlon).

Well, that's all for now. We're off to the gold and bronze medal women's basketball game tomorrow. Most likely, we will skip the bronze medal game to do more shopping (because CC just needs to get more stuff), go to the night market, and then go to the gold medal game. So, look for us tomorrow on NBC. We'll be the girls with crazy cow boy hats, leis, and basketball sunglasses!

Peace and Love,

Reese xoxo

Beijing Update #2

2008-08-18T19:32:00.003-05:00

Ni Hao!

It is currently 8:33AM TUESDAY, August 19th. We have had a blast in Beijing thus far and we haven't even gotten to any Olympic events yet.

On Sunday we went to the Great Wall. It was really amazing. Of course, my plan from way back when was to walk up a few steps to the Great Wall and then stand in amazement that I was there and then walk back down to the bus. I told CC and Lisa this months ago, but for some reason they didn't believe me. My plan was aces because at the end of the day I wasn't sweaty and near death. CC and Lisa on the other hand....well...

I made it to the second tower of the section of the Great Wall section we went too. CC and Lisa decided to keep going. CC quit at the third tower when her lungs began to fail. Lisa called CC a 'punk' and said she was going to keep climbing to the top. Lisa made it to the fourth tower (there were about six towers) before she lost feeling in her right hand and her left leg disintegrated. Both CC and Lisa came down from the steep portion of the wall covered in sweat and looking like they had been deserted on some far away island for 8 years. It was hi-larious!

Yesterday we went to Tiananmen Square and the Forbidden City. It was pretty spectacular as well. TSq. is just this huge empty space with very famous Chinese landmarks like General Mao's mausoleum. The Forbidden City really is a city! There are something like 9000 palace rooms, an outer court, an inner court, garden, etc. Really, more of that place should be forbidden because it was so tiring to walk through it. It took us about four hours to walk around 1/10th of that place. So exhausting!

We're also really tired because we are something like celebrities in Beijing. EVERYONE wants to take our picture. At the Great Wall, all three of us were in different sections and separated from each other at some point, yet we all had the same experience-- random Asian people (Koreans, Chinese, Japanese, you name it!) asking to take pictures with us. It usually goes something like this...

Reese: [fanning herself on the Great Wall]

Random Japanese Girl [stands next to Reese and puts her arm around Reese]: 'Hello!'

Reese: 'Ummm...hi...'

Japanese Girl: 'Picture? Yes?'

Reese [laughs]: 'Okay.'

Japanese Girl: 'Smile!'

Her Friend takes the picture, then the Japanese Girl gets on the other side of Reese and takes another picture.

Japanese Girl: 'Thank you!!'

Reese: 'Hehehehehe...no problem.'

This EXACT same experience happened to CC and Lisa. It was a thousand times worse in Tiananmen Square. We would pose for our own pictures and a ton of people would run toward us and start taking our pictures. So far TWENTY-FOUR people have ASKED to take pictures with us. This number does not count the gazillion people who just snap pictures of us as we walk down the street. At one point in our tour yesterday, it was like the Paparazzi were stalking us and our tour guide had to come rescue us from the all the people who were trying to to take our pictures. He literally had to pull us by the hand and tell the people in Mandarin 'no more pictures!' Ha!

Oh, and just to show you that Americans are not as color conscious as we think, the white people on our tour group were ASTOUNDED that Asian people would want to randomly take pictures of us just because we are Black Americans***. Literally, they couldn't believe it and a few, I think, thought it was racist behavior on the part of the Chinese/Japanese/Koreans. I mean, some seemed to be a little offended FOR us (not to be confused with jealousy). We weren't offended at all.

Anyways, today we're going to do a little shopping and then we're going to the Birds Nest stadium for track.

Anyways, I hope all is well with everyone. Another e-mail will be forthcoming in a few days!

Peace and Love,

Reese xoxo

***We've seen a few Africans. We noticed that no one was hounding them for pictures. I think the Asian people here seem to be able to distinguish Black AMERICANS from Africans. Black Americans are more rare I guess. FYI.

Beijing Update #1

2008-08-18T19:27:00.003-05:00

Okay, everyone. So, I'm currently in Beijing right now and I'm having a BLAST. I know I said I would do some sort of blog from Beijing, and I am, but it's going to be in the form of the e-mails that I've sent out to friends and family. So, here is Beijing Update #1:
------------------------

Beijing Day 1‏
From: Reesey Reese
Sent: Sat 8/16/08 2:02 AM
To: An assortment of People

Hello fam and friends,

CC, Lisa, and I have landed in Beijing at around 2:00pm Saturday, local time (2AM East Coast time). The flight was good, not too much turbulence and we made it through customs fine.

The hotel we're staying at is the Jinqiao Apartment Hotel. If I get a chance, I will upload some pictures later of the hotel. It's a suite and we have a little kitchen that even has a little washeing machine. But, the beds are not so great.

Holy cow! I don't know how the Chinese do it, but the beds are literally hard as rocks! It's so funny, because we anticipated fighting over who was going to have to take the cot to sleep. As it turns out the cot is waaayyyy more comfie than the beds! So, we're on a rotating cot schedule!

For our first adventure we went out to eat at a Korean BBQ restaurant. Yes, that's right, we traveled all the way to China to eat Korean food. BUT, it was authentic Korean food and it was really good. Of course, in the process of ordering the great Korean food we thoroughly embarrassed ourselves.

Of course there was a language barrier. We ordered a dish to share (as is the custom at the Korean BBQ), but then the waiter guy kept saying something to us in gibberish that we interpreted as 'You must order more.' What he was really saying was, 'You stupid Americans, that's way too much food.'

In the end, they brought out a ton of beef, and lamb, and rice, and other dishes that I have no idea of what it was. The waiter laughed at us when he saw our faces. We laughed at us when we saw all the food. Then we called our Tour Guide and he had to tell the waiter in Mandarin that we ordered too much food and that we wanted to pack it up to take back home. It was so very sad, yet funny at the same time.

Oh, and the best part was that the manager came over in the middle of the meal with the bill. We thought for sure it would be like a hundred bucks. Even the manager wondered if we would have the cash to pay for the meal --200 Yuan. Do you know how much that is in dollars? It's 30 bucks. When we saw it was 200 Yuan we were sooo happy. And the manager was shocked that we could casually pull out 100 Yuan each (CC didn't have her Chinese money yet) and pay the bill no problem. The people at the restaurant thought we were super rich.

Okay, so next we went to the Lake bar district which was all sorts of awesome. We immediately started buying things and haggling on the price. Then we wondered over to this bar that was playing hip-hop music. Inside were all these young Americans (20's/30's). They bought us drinks and a good time was had by all.

Okay, I'm really tired now as it is 2AM in the morning. Just to let you know Beijing is GORGEOUS!! There is ZERO pollution and in fact my sinuses have never been better. I may just have to move here! And the Chinese people are soooo nice. They really like us for some reason (they keep repeating everything we say; when we say 'okay' they giggle and say 'okay' really, really excited like; also, when CC was on the phone with the Tour Guide and said 'hello' one of the waiter dudes giggled and was like 'Hehehehehe, 'hello;' I don't know why, but they get a kick out of hearing Americans say 'hello' and 'okay.')

Anyhoo, the Great Wall is tomorrow. I'll let you know how it was.

Peace and Love,

Reese xoxox

China on My Mind

2008-08-11T10:25:00.004-05:00

Hi all!

I was hoping to do a really cool post about planning my trip to China and my African ancestry results, but it looks like I just won't have the time. Anyhoo, this is just a post to say I'm leaving for Beijing on Thursday and HOPE to be able to post pictures and experiences and what not while I'm there. So, stop by here every now and then between the 17th and 24th. You may just see some great pictures of me and the crew (CC and Lisa) in Beijing.

For now I leave you with a hi-larious Slate take on the Chinese sports machine (although, please note that the Atlanta Olympics were in 1996, not 2000).

Okay, I'm off to get highlights and pack my luggage full of clothes I won't wear.

Pray for me and my safety. Ha!

Peace out for now!

One Year Older/Crushes Back in the Day

2008-07-07T06:39:00.006-05:00

So, today is the date of my birth…

[Reese waits for cheering and round of applause]

[Reese continues to wait]

[Reese stops waiting realizing that all of her internet friends suck]

As with every year on this day, I like to reflect on the past year and see what kind of stuff I did. Well, I have to say this was a pretty good Year of the 30. I mean, I turned 30 last year and didn’t lose my mind. I bought a new car and failed to complete the blog story on it like I said I was, I saw the Spice Girls in concert, saved for my trip to China, found a new place to live, and some other junk. It was a pretty standard year, but an alright one nonetheless.

Anyways, I was thinking about some other stuff I could write about today. When I got bored doing that I started thinking about hot boys. FYI, I almost always start daydreaming about hot boys whenever I’m bored.

Yeah, so I was thinking about the waiter at the Brickell P.F. Chang's who looks like a Latino Orlando Bloom (HOTTTT!!! I’m going to kidnap him, I swear it!!). And then I started thinking about how I’m going to make Daniel Henney fall in love with me at the Beijing Olympics (Yeah, Korean Hott!!!). But, then I slowly started getting back to writing this post and thought, “What about a July 7th post on my crushes from back in the day?” “Yes,” I thought, “this is going to be fun.”

Well, it was. For some of my crushes I realized that young Reese had good taste; but, for other guys I realized that young Reese was an idiot.

So, anyways, I now present to you…

Crushes…

I Had…

Back in the Day…

Ralph Machio

Awwww….he’s so cuuuttteee. He’s the cutest little Karate Kid evah!! Awww!

No seriously, I loved me some Ralph Machio back in the day. Seriously, he’s like the #1 crush from back in the day. No one could ever top Daniel-son.

Really, if I had lived in LA during the 80’s I’m pretty sure I would have spent my young childhood stalking Ralph Machio.

I just had way too much love for him back in the day.

Taimak

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!!

This man was fine!

Sho’nuff!!!

But, really, what’s with the karate guys topping this list? Maybe I just like the heroes?

BTW, have you seen Taimak recently?

For the ladies…

Christopher Reeves

Yeah, I did have a hero thing going on. I think I totally bought that Knight in Shining Armor theme.

I was such a girl.

So tragic about Christopher Reeves. But, alas, we do have his great hotness to reflect on today.

Hans Solo

Because I was not feeling Indiana Jones, but I was totally feeling Hans Solo.

Harrison Ford didn’t exist in my world.

Rick Schroder

Okay, seriously, I was like six.

SIX!!

Give me a break.

El Debarge

Holy cow, I really don’t have any words to explain this. Maybe it was his voice? Or that he was on television? Geez louise, I don’t get it now. I wish I could go back in time and figure out what the heck I was sniffing.

Al B. Sure

Aaa…ahhh…ahhh...Al..B. Sure.

You gotta love a guy who can “rock” a unibrow, right?

Right?

Johnny Depp

So, this was the closest thing to a “bad boy” that goody-two shoes Reese could crush on. Yeah, he was a cutie though. I just knew I could change him.

When I was searching for an old Johnny Depp picture, I found this 21 Jump Street PSA on Youtube.

1-800-COCAINE!!

Really, ya'll know you need the help.

Richard Greico

Bastardized, Johnny Depp replacement. But, his tail was HOTT, so I loved him anyways!!

Alright, so those are my crushes from back in the day. Looking back, I’m kind of surprised how the 80’s weren’t really “the brother’s” decade. But, to be fair, the brother’s totally owned the 90’s (read: PWND!!). Moriss Chestnut, Shemar Moore, DENZEL, Taye Diggs, Blair Underwood, Isaiah Washington, Hill Harper, Tyson!

Whooo!! I need to make a 90’s list now for sure!

Hehehehe, alright, alright. In conclusion I’d just like to thank God that I have another year to try and do something useful with my life.

And also I want to thank God for the hot boys he created for me to gawk at.

Eye candy is really one of the best creations ever!!

© 2008. All Rights Reserved.

Go World!

2008-06-21T20:51:00.014-05:00

Oh, Alanis. Can you do no wrong? No, no you can't.

Ni hao, everyone. I know I've been gone for a minute. I've been really busy with Life and everything. I don't really have much to say, except that...

IN 54 DAYS I'M GOING TO CHINA!!!

OH, YEAH! OH, YEAH! OH, YEAH!

I'm so excited for this trip. We just received an email from Cosport telling us that our Olympic event tickets (Track and Gold and Bronze Medal Women's B-ball) are on their way. AND, most importantly, I'm done paying for this stupid trip as of last Wednesday! Yes, that's right, I'm no longer poor!

[Reese does happy dance] I'm no longer poor! I'm no longer poor!

Seriously, if you knew how much saving and scrimping had to go into this trip you would feel as sorry for me as you could for a person going to the Beijing Olympics. And let me tell you, you should feel sorry for people like me. People like me have lived a meager existence for 7 months so that they could have the time of their lives for 8 nights. Hopefully, it will be worth it.

Other then that I have absolutely nothing going on in my life right now. Well, besides the fact that I just took a DNA test so that my family could find out where the heck we come from.

Yeah, I know that totally came out of nowhere. Let me explain...

So, a lot of African-Americans are on a quest to find out where their ancestors came from. Unlike everyone else in the known world, Black Americans (and also descendants of slaves in the Caribbean and South America) very rarely can trace their history actually back to Africa. But, don't you know that those egg heads in those science laboratories in those places (I don't know where, don't ask me) have made a genetic test which can trace back the racial and ethnic make-up of your mother's, mother's, mother's, mother's, mother's, etc. from like a million years ago or something.

So, anyways, my family decided to start tracing our genealogy and thought this test was a good place to start. We (read: ME) bought the test a couple of weeks ago and are now awaiting the results.

Now there's no guarantee that my great, great, great, great, great, super-great grandmother was African. She could have been White or Native American. I've prepared myself for the various results that could happen (Lisa is convinced that I'm white). I figure that my reaction will likely range from...

"What the hell?!? My granny was Irish?!? I don't even like beer!!"

to...

"Oh, yeah! I knew I was Native American. That's why I got these high cheek bones. Where's the Bureau of Indian Affairs? When do I get my casino profits?"

to...

"Matamba! I knew I was a warrior princess in a previous life. I knew it!"

Okay, but seriously whatever the results, it will be cool to find out a little bit of something about my heritage. The DNA test can't tell me if old granny was an artist, or high priestess, or simply a stay at home mom. But, it will tell me where she's from. And, let me tell you, that something is definitely better than nothing.

Of course, I will post the results here as soon as I find out.

But, we all know that I'm a warrior princess. I mean, it's fairly obvious, right?

Right?

Pfsssh! You guys suck. ;p~~~

Laters.

Life

2008-05-08T20:06:00.008-05:00

Sometimes life just likes to kick you in the throat. A lot. But, right when you think everything is just really awful, something (I like to call him "God") steps in and works it all out. So, this has been my life for the last four weeks...

Work: People at my job are evidently talking about me. First it was, "I think Reese has the best schedule of anyone in the office. She gets to work from home two days a week during the first week of the pay period. On the second week of the pay period she works one day a week and the other day of the week she's off completely. Wow, what a great schedule!"

Now, all the above is true. What's not true is that I'm the only person in the office with that schedule (and trust me you have to work for it, as I work 9 1/2 hour days). I'm just the only person in the office with that schedule who also possesses a kick-@$$ corner office that everyone else wants. Now, the fact that people were talking about my actual schedule is not what pissed me off. What pissed me off is when the above statement turned into this...

"That witch Reese has the best schedule. She has three days a week off every week! She only works two days a week. The other three days she can do whatever she wants. No one else gets that schedule, so why does Reese get it? I hate her."

The above is NOT true. And worse yet, that turned into this...

"Did you hear? That slacker Reese doesn't do any work on account that she only comes into work one day a week. I hear the administration is going to take disciplinary action!"

Sigh.

You see, I'm not angry because I think the administration is "after" me. The administration knows these are bogus rumors and totally false. What pisses me off is that attorneys, ATTORNEYS, have decided not to find out the actual truth about a situation before forming an opinion. As my friend Egypt told one of these gossip mongers...

"Maybe you should get your facts straight before you start talking about people."

Amen!

Housing: Housing in South Florida sucks. Seriously, I've lived here almost three years and have been on the verge of homelessness each and every year! Now, I'm not going to go into the first two times I was almost homeless (they're long stories and I'm really tired), but this last time was a doozy.

You see, there's this thing called "rent." When you pay this thing called "rent" the lessor is supposed to use at least some of your rent money to pay this thing called the "mortgage."

Say it with me...m-ort-ga-gggggeeeee....

Now, for good, kind, sane people paying the "mortgage" on your property with the rent check from your lessee is not a big deal. But, for the insane it's evidently a tall task to require of a person. Also, the other thing that's a total pain for the insane is letting their lessee know that they do not plan on paying the mortgage anymore and that said lessee should find another place to live. So, insane people just keep taking their leesee's money and let the Broward County Sherriff's Office take care of any messy details like, oh, say, telling the lessee that she's got a limited time to vacate the premises before Wachovia takes possession of the condo she's renting.

Yes, that's right, some people are douches.

China: If I wanted to go to China right now the flight would cost me $500 round trip. The fact that I want to go to China in August, during the Olympics, has increased the same ticket to $1775.

I try not to think about this, or the fact that my hotel costs almost twice that amount. But, when I'm sitting at home (home = the streets) it does start to bug me (bug = aneurysm).

Man, rehashing all of this is really getting me down. But, I initially had a point and that is that something (I like to call him "God") does work things out in the end.

Work: I've stopped caring about people in my office. And started enjoying my view.

Housing: I hustled and found an even better place to live, in a great community. I found an awesome, honest moving company (Flate Rate Movers rocks!) and got a friend to help me move all my stuff out. I moved my whole life and everything I own in one day. Yeah, I'm tired, but I'm enjoying the view from my new terrace.

China: The administration appreciated all of my hard work (yeah, despite the fact that I only work one day a week, go figure) and I got a huge bonus just in time to buy that $1775 plane ticket. So, yeah, now I can officially say that I am definitely going to China. I'll email you a picture of the view of Beijing from my hotel window.

So, yeah, even though life sucks sometimes, things aren't always bad forever. Just remember to enjoy the view when storm starts to clear up.

Okay, yeah, that was seriously cheezy, but it's all I could think of considering how tired I am from moving on Wednesday and getting to work at 6:30am on Thursday. So, you know, give me a break. Dang!

Frak You!

2008-04-04T12:52:00.004-05:00

I just wanted to say a big "Frak You!" to Georgetown and Texas for totally screwing up my bracket.

Georgetown...Frak You! This is the second year in a row you have totally screwed my bracket. I will never trust you with my basketball heart again. You suck Apollo's space dust.

Texas...how the frak could you?!? How could you lose to Memphis- a Conference USA team. I mean, yeah, granted Memphis is totally bad ass and all, but still. Frak You, Texas! You ruined everything for me and I'll never believe in you again. You're probably all Cylons anyways.

Since I have no chance of winning the SD Bracket Challenge, AGAIN, this year, I'm rooting for Memphis to win because everyone underestimated them. Screw you North Carolina. I know I picked you to win it all, but I secretly hate you and I'm now rooting for Memphis.

In other news, Battlestar Galactica is back tonight. Everyone must watch...because I said so.

Also, "Lisa" is going to write the next post about how if I don't vote she will kill me and make you all accessories to murder because you thought the year of annoying her was a joke or something. I don't know, just be on the lookout for her post.

Peace! :)

SD Bracket Challenge-- JOIN NOW!!!!

2008-03-16T09:59:00.002-05:00

OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!!!

It's the most wonderful timmmmmmme of the yeaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr!!

With those buzzing, buzzer beaters and everyone screaming, we'll be of good cheeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr

It's the most wonderful timmmmmeeee

It's the most wonderful timmmmmmeeeeeeee

It's the most wonderful time of THE YEEEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!

YATTTAAAAAAAA!!!

Happy March Madness Everyone! And if it's March and there's madness, there's also THE SD Bracket Challenge. We are now open for business. You may register your team right now, although you can't make your picks until Sunday night. You have until tipoff of the first game on Thursday, March 20th to join the group and make and change your picks (basically, you have until about 11:00am on March 20th to join the challenge and make your picks).

Please don't think you have to have any basketball knowledge to play. Most of the time the people who win these things pick teams based on colors or school names (CC won a challenge one year just because she liked saying "Connecticut" over and over again). So please join, play, and trash talk! The more people we have the more fun it is. Here are the directions...

Directions:

1) Go here and register. If you've previously registered on cnnsi.com you may have to re-register as they have changed their fantasy site.

2) After you've registered, click on the "Groups" or "My Groups" tab at the top of the page.

3) To the right should be a search box. Type in the league name for this blog (SD Bracket Challenge). To join, you have to have the super secret password. The password is lawgirl.

4) Once you've joined the SD Bracket Challenge all you have to do is make your picks and that's it. There is a trash talkin' box so I encourage everyone to trash talk. Also you can change the name of your team to something creative if you want. To do that go the SD Bracket Challenge group. Look just under the "Home" tab at the top of the page. You'll see your default team name "X's Entry" and a small "edit" button. Click on the "edit" button to change your team name. It will take a couple of minutes for your new team name to show up, but it will.

Alright, then. You have been given your mission. Your mission is to join the SD Bracket Challenge and try to earn my respect by beating me. You should know that I always lose and if you do win you still won't have earned my respect because I'm a sore loser. So, you know...I guess that's not much of a mission...whatever...

JOIN TODAY!!!

HAPPY MARCH MADNESS!!!!

"Someone's Going to Get Shagged Tonight!"

2008-03-06T18:42:00.009-05:00

Oh, Scary Spice! You're so cheeky!

So CC and I went to see the Spice Girls reunion tour a couple of weeks ago in DC. Yes, THE Spice Girls!

Look, I don't have to defend myself to you. I happen to think the Spice Girls are a ton of fun. They have bright colors and fun songs and I get to act like an idiot and enjoy myself and wear glitter and...

SHUT UP!!

Sigh. Here are some pictures from the concert that I DON'T HAVE TO DEFEND GOING TO SEE!!

You guys totally suck.

PS: March Madness and the Bracket Challenge starts next Sunday (3/16). Get ready to get pummeled! I'm taking the crown this year!

Fierce!

Potomac Primaries

2008-02-16T18:22:00.001-05:00

Lisa: “Reese, I just had a revelation!”

Reese: “Yeah?”

Lisa: “Why don’t you vote absentee in Maryland's primary?!? That’s the last state you’re registered in.”

Reese [being annoying]: “Is it Lisa?”

Lisa: “Yes…isn’t it?”

Reese: “Is it?”

Lisa: “You lived in Maryland for two years before you moved to Florida. Of course you voted during that time.”

Reese [yawning]: “Possibly…”

Lisa: “Reese, I’m going to kill you.”

Reese: “Honestly, I don’t really remember voting in Maryland…”

Lisa: “Reese there was a presidential election while you were in Maryland. Of course you voted!!”

Reese: “Did I Lisa?”

Lisa: “Oh…my…god…”

Reese: “Hmmm…I don’t seem to remember…”

Lisa: “Oh my god, you totally didn’t vote in Maryland! Now I remember! The last presidential election you said something like, “Lisa, I live in Maryland and Maryland doesn’t vote Republican. I trust my state.”

Reese: “Yeah, that sounds like something I would say.”

Lisa: “Yeah, and I didn’t care back then because you were right. Maryland wasn’t going to go to Bush.”

“But, Reese, now you live in Florida. You have the chance to…”

Reese [interrupts and mocks]: “Make a difference…yeah, I know.”

Lisa: “So…”

Reese [confused]: “Ummm….”

Lisa: “REGISTER TO VOTE YOU IDIOT!!”

Reese: “Relax, man. I got time. The deadline to register to vote isn’t until October.”

Lisa: “October?”

Reese: “Possibly September…”

Lisa: “Let me tell you something Reese…”

Reese: “Yeah?”

Lisa: “I’ve had to put up with a lot craziness from you…”

Reese: “Yeah…”

Lisa: “The nutty things you say and do, I’ve put up with it…”

Reese: “Hey, we’re all a little crazy…”

Lisa: “But come November, if you don’t vote in this election, I will come down to Miami and I will personally…”

Reese: “Yeah…”

Lisa: “…beat you to death. I will beat you to death.”

Reese [laughing]: “Okay, Lisa.”

Lisa: “TO DEATH!!!”

© Copyright 2008. All Rights Reserved.

Does Money Buy Happiness?

2008-01-17T21:36:00.000-05:00

I've posted this picture before, but I was just looking at it again and it made me really sad. This was my second grade class picture. Yes, the picture says "Grade 3," but actually it was a gifted class with second and third graders in the same class.

Anyways, the picture made me sad because the kids look sad. There are very few smiling kids. I wonder why that is. Now, I'm not all happy go lucky myself in this picture. But, that's because I was doing my "model" pose. I'm totally serious. I was trying to be cute on purpose.

This picture is particularly sad to me in comparison to the next class picture I have (on my computer anyways)....

Now, I know it's really hard to find me in this picture, but after you stop searching for me, take a look at all the kids. Everyone looks way happier in this picture then the other one. This was my 4th grade class picture when I attended the Calverton School. It was a private school with a whole bunch of rich brats (including the children of author Tom Clancy).

Compared with the other kids, these kids were wealthy and lived in big houses and had horses and crap. Do you think money really brings happiness? The Calverton kids had lots of money and seemed happy in their picture. The Carver kids were poor-to-working class and don't seem nearly as positive. The majority of the kids in the first picture had two parent homes, so it's not that they're not happy because mommy or daddy aren't home.

Hmmmm....

Okay, I'm just rambling. There's really no point to this post. I've looked at my second grade class pic multiple times through the years. But, this is the first time that I looked at it and it made me sad for some reason. Whatever, I don't know. I guess I'm just being weird today.

I think I'll go annoy Lisa to make me feel better. :)

© Copyright 2008. All Rights Reserved.

2008: The Year of Annoying Lisa

2008-01-09T14:43:00.000-05:00

Every year I say I'm going to do something different with this blog. And every year I do something different with this blog for all of 6 months tops (if that) and then I quit because I'm lazy. This year is no different. This year I'm going to proclaim to do something different with this blog and I probably won't follow through. Hey, that's just how I do. You'll have to deal with it. ;)

For 2008 I've decided that I'm going to spend the whole year putting my best friendship in jeopardy. This year, I'm going to spend the whole year annoying Lisa.

Now, you may ask, "Reese, what the hell is wrong with you? Why would you want to annoy your best friend?" The answer is simple- that's just how I do (I mean really people, I just said that two paragraphs ago, geesh!).

I have to annoy Lisa this year otherwise I won't be able to annoy Lisa for another four years. Why, you may ask? Well, because this year is the presidential election. You see Lisa is very political. She's a big old Liberal who has been oppressed by the Bush Administration for the past 8 years. This election is very important to her because now she can finally get the Republicans out of the white house and spread her Islam to the nation or something.

LOL! I'm just joking about the Islam! Damn, take a pill, people.

Anyways, like I said Lisa is a big old Liberal who is obsessed with politics. To me it's really funny to see her get all emotional about politics because, in my opinion, none of it really matters. I believe that this system of things will be destroyed by God or global warming in the next 50 years anyways so what does it matter about what some politician does or doesn’t do in the future. We’re all going to be destroyed in the end so let’s just relax and watch some Tivo. Needless to say, Lisa doesn’t feel exactly the same way…

Lisa: "Reese, you have the power to change the nation! You're one vote could change everything! I mean you live in Florida! FLORIDA!!!! Do you know how important Florida is?!?! I mean, of course you know how important Florida is. I mean, everyone does!”

Reese: "Ummmm, yeah..."

Lisa: "FLORIDA!!!!! Finally, I can change the nation through you!!!”

“Now, I'll tell you who to vote for in the primary..."

Reese [playing with her iPhone]: "I can't vote in the primary, I'm not registered to vote in Florida."

Lisa: "What?"

Reese [yawn]: "Dude, did you hear what Britney Spears did the other day..."

Lisa: "REESE, FOCUS!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT REGISTERED TO VOTE? YOU'VE LIVED IN FLORIDA FOR TWO YEARS NOW!!!"

Reese: "Ummm...yeah, well, I never got around to it, you know. It doesn't matter, anyways. Human beings are incapable of governing themselves in a just way and..."

Lisa: "SPARE ME YOUR BIBLE TALK!!"

Reese: "Ummmm..."

Lisa: "DON'T YOU HAVE A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE?!? DIDN'T YOU CHECK OFF THE BOX TO REGISTER TO VOTE WHEN YOU GOT YOUR LICENSE?!?"

Reese: "No."

Lisa: "WHY NOT?!?"

Reese: "I don't believe in it."

Lisa: "BELIEVE IN WHAT?!?!?!"

Reese: "Checking off boxes that don't pertain to me just getting a license. I only check off the box about getting a license. I don't check off anything else. No donations to save the manatee, no organ donation, and no registering to vote."

Lisa: [silence]

Reese: "Hello?"

Lisa: [dead silence]

Reese [shaking iPhone]: "Helllll-oooooo? Are you there?"

Lisa: "Reese..."

Reese: "Yeah?"

Lisa: "I'm going to f&*#@$% kill you."

You see? You see how angry she gets about this stuff? I mean, maybe I'm just perverse, but I think it's hi-larious! LOL! Awww, man...really good stuff!!!

Anyways, my first step in annoying Lisa is waiting until the last possible minute to register to vote. The way I see it, I've already missed my opportunity to register for the primary which, according to Lisa, is Super Tuesday for Florida. I don't know which Tuesday that is. Is it next Tuesday? If it's the Tuesday before the Spice Girls concert in February then I couldn't vote anyways because I need to find a cute outfit to wear to the Spice Girl's concert.

Oh, man! This is going to be so much fun. When Lisa reads this post she's going to flip her lid.

Hey, if you have any ideas for further annoying Lisa let me know. Right now, I'm thinking about registering as a Republican if I do register in the primary and voting for whoever is the worst Republican candidate who actually has a shot at winning the election. That would really piss Lisa off. LOL!

Man, I'm such a stinker! ;)

© Copyright 2008. All Rights Reserved.

Songs of 2007

2007-12-19T17:30:00.000-05:00

Can you believe it's the end of the year already?

Furthermore, it's time for my songs of the year. That's right, your definitive list of the Songs of 2007 is right here. Right here!! You need no other list! Rolling Stone? Spin? Who are these entities? They're nobodies!! NOBODIES!!!

Okay, okay, here's the run through...

As with previous years, all of the songs are not ranked, except for the coveted SONG OF THE YEAR (duh, duh, dun!!). Which song will take over for Ciara's "Get Up" from last year? Well, you're about to find out.

Are you excited?

I know you're excited!

What do you mean you're not excited?!? Do you know what I go through to put this list together?!? It literally takes an entire year! I mean, I literally hear a song, ponder it, and then add it to a draft post that just sits on blogger as a non-post for the entire year. Yes, I have that much dedication!

So, I ask you again...

Are you excited?

Okay, that's better...

Shoot...

I just realized that the song is playing in the background. That totally defeated the purpose of all this hype...

Gawd! I can't do anything right these days. Okay, okay....

Reese's Song of 2007...

"Typical" by Mute Math

Edit: I shut off Auto-Play. It was getting annoying. lol!

Also check out the video for "Typical." It really has to be one of the best videos of the year. I mean, they actually had to learn how to play and sing their song backwards! Very impressive...

Taking over for K.T. Tunstall's "Eye to the Telescope" as CD of the Year this year is the self-titled CD by Mute Math. I know, it's the first time that a CD of the Year and Song of the Year were by the same artist. We're making history here!!

Okay, okay so the following are the best of the rest. You can go make an awesome playlist now and tell everyone that you owe it all to my genius.

Peace! :D

------------------------------------

"1234" Feist

"(Never Gonna) Steal My Joy" Mandisa

"Apologize" Timbaland

"Calabria" Enur f/t Natasja

"Chaos" Mute Math

"Duffle Bag Boy" Playaz Circle f/t Lil' Wayne

"Fine" Mary J. Blige

"Get it Shawty" Lollyd

"Get me Bodied" Beyonce

"Girlfriend (Remix)" Avril Lavigne & Lil Mama

"Icebox" Omarion

"It's not Over" Daughtry

"Kiss Kiss" Chris Brown

"Kitty Kat" Beyonce

"Like This" Kelly Rowland f/t Eve

"Lip Gloss" Lil Mama

"Make Me Wonder" Maroon 5

"Paralyzer" Finger Eleven

"Promise Ring" Tiffany Evans

"Rockstar" Nickleback

"Sensual Seduction" Snoop Dog

"Shut up and Drive" Rihanna

"So High" Grind Mode

"Stronger" Kanye West

"Tambourine" Eve

"The Way I Are" Timbaland

"This is Why I'm Hot" Mims

"Umbrella" Rihanna

"Whine Up" Kat DeLuna f/t Elephant Man

"You" Lollyd f/t Little Wayne

To Depths Unknown...

2007-12-08T19:17:00.000-05:00

December is Colon Cancer Awareness Month…

Well, I’m not sure if that is true. Let me start over…

December is Reese the Law Girl’s Colon Cancer Awareness Month. The reason why is because every December, for the rest of my life, I will be partaking in the wonderful diagnostic/medical screening test called a colonoscopy (and endoscopy).

I love my family, I really do; but, unfortunately, my family has passed on a genetic predisposition to colon cancer. Every one of my family members who has had a colonoscopy has woken up from their general anesthesia haze after the test only to be told by their gastroenterologist that they had some benign tumors called “polyps” somewhere up their digestive tracks. Unfortunately, some family members found out too late that their polyps were malignant and some family members are no longer with us because of those tumors.

Sigh.

In any case, this is not supposed to be a sad post, but a lightly humorous one where I encourage you to not assume that colon cancer is an “old person’s” disease and push you to go get the damn test! Think of this, as a “Guide to a Colonoscopy (and Endoscopy).” I will tell you everything to expect using my First Annual Colonoscopy (and Endoscopy) as the basis to help you through this process.

Tip #1: Find a Really Cool Gastroenterologist

I suggest finding a doctor who entertains you through this “harrowing” experience. My doctor, oh let’s call her Dr. Perfect, is great. She has blonde hair and blue eyes and a perfect butt and makes me feel perfectly insecure as I go through these procedures…

Dr. Perfect [walks into surgical room while I’m desperately trying to get the extra small hospital blanket and surgical pj’s to cover up my less then perfect butt]: “Hi, hun! How are you today?”

Reese [uncomfortable]: “I’m uncomfortable…”

Dr. Perfect [holding a cappuccino, checking out her perfect butt in the reflective surgical storage locker]: “Aww, everyone is, you’re not alone.”

Reese: “Umm…does everyone have to…ummm…see me…like this…”

Dr. Perfect: “Oh, hun. We are medical professionals. Do you know how many backsides we see in a day?”

Reese: “Thousands?”

Dr. Perfect: “Yes, hun. Thousands.”

“Now take in all that nice oxygen and when you wake up it’ll all be over.”

Reese [losing consciousness and attempting to speak through the mouth guard]:

“If you all talk badly about meee…my subconscious…will…remmmemmbbberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….”

Now that I think about it, Dr. Perfect isn’t all that entertaining. All she’s good for is making you feel inadequate.

Bitch.

Tip #2: Don’t Make the Mistake of Telling People That you’re Fasting the Day Before

In order to get a colonoscopy and/or endoscopy you can’t eat anything the day before the test. Because I find telling everyone about my medical misadventures “fun,” I stupidly made the mistake of telling my co-workers that I was fasting for a colonoscopy and to keep any and all food away from me. Needless to say they enjoyed messing with me the whole day…

Marcy: “Oh Reese?”

Reese: “Yeah?”

Marcy: “The Judge gave me a chocolate cookie. He said not to show it to you. Look at it!”

Reese [attempts to dodge chocolate cookie]: “No! I don’t want to look at it!”

Marcy [shoves cookie in Reese’s face]: “LOOK AT IT!!!”

Reese: “NOOOOOOOO!!!”

Tip #3: Eat Lots of Chicken Broth the Day Before

Okay, you can eat chicken broth during your fast. I suggest Swanson’s Chicken Broth sprinkled with a little season salt. Then, while you’re eating said broth, watch the Food Network and imagine you’re eating the food on the television.

Really, this is the only way to make chicken broth taste good.

Tip #4: Use a Shuttle Service to Pick You Up and Take You Home After the Procedure. Make Sure the Shuttle Driver is Cute to Maximize Your Uncomfortableness.

So, I used a shuttle service to take me to the outpatient surgery center and to take me home afterwards (because of the anesthesia you are not allowed to drive after the colonoscopy). I didn’t count on my shuttle driver being the FIRST HOT GUY I’VE SEEN IN THE TWO YEARS THAT I HAVE LIVED IN SOUTH FLORIDA!!!!

AND ALSO NOT GAY!!!!!

Hot Guy: “Hola. How are you today?”

Reese [uncomfortable]: “Ummm…okay…”

Hot Guy [Flirty]: “That is good. That is very good.”

Reese: [uncomfortable]

Hot Guy: “So…oh…is that your cell phone ringing?”

Reese: “Uhh…yeah… [Reese picks up the phone]”

“Ummm…hey, Dad.”

Dad: “Reese! Wazzz upppppp?!?!”

Reese: “Dad, can I call you back later…I have to go…”

Dad: “Where you going?”

Reese: “Ummm…to see my doctor…”

Dad: “You sick or something?”

Reese: “Ummm…no…I just have to get a little test, you know?”

Dad: “What kind of test?”

[Hot Guy Looks at Reese and is Totally Eavesdropping]

Reese [embarrassed, whispers]: “ *a test*…”

Dad: “What KIND of test?!? Are you dying or something?”

Reese [testily whispers]: “ *no Dad!*…”

Dad: “Then what KIND of test?!?”

Reese [talks under breath]: “…a colonoscopy…”

Dad: “What?!?”

Reese: “I’LL TEXT MESSAGE IT TO YOU!!”

Dad: “No, that costs too much money! That’s how they get you!”

Reese: “DAD!!”

Dad: “Are you pregnant?”

Reese: “IT’S A COLONOSCOPY, OKAY!! A COLONOSCOPY!!!”

Hot Guy: [totally weirded out]

Reese [slaps forehead]: “Awww, man…”

Dad: “A colonoscopy, eh?!? That’s your mother’s fault! She passed that on to you. It didn’t come from MY side of the family!”

Reese: “Okay, dad…”

Tip #5: When all Else Fails, Find Humor in Your Fellow Same Day Surgery Patients

The great thing about going to an outpatient/same day surgery center is that you get to be in one big room observing everyone else wake up from general anesthesia. For example, some people wake up confused…

Nurse: “Hello, Mr. Smith. Are you awake now?”

Mr. Smith: “WHO ARE YOU?!? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!? WHAT HAPPENED?!?! DID I HAVE A CAR ACCIDENT?!? WHAT’S GOING ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN?!?!?”

And some people wake up depressed…

Nurse: “Hello, Ms. Jones. Are you awake now?”

Ms. Jones [weeping]: “OH MY GAWWWDDD!!! BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

Nurse: “Ms. Jones it’s okay. You just got out of surgery…”

Ms. Jones [crying profusely]: “WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

Nurse [sympathetic]: “Ms. Jones, why are you crying?”

Ms. Jones [crying, sniffling]: “I…DON’T….KNOW…I’M JUST…SO…SAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDD…”

And, of course, there’s my reaction…

Reese: “DO I HAVE CANCER!!!????!!!!????”

Nurse [totally spooked]: “Ummm…no…”

Reese: “Okay…good then…”

“I’m going back to sleep now…”

5 minutes later…

Reese: “DO I HAVE CANCER!!!????!!!!????”

Nurse: “What?? No…I just told you “no” 5 minutes ago…”

Reese: “Oh…okay…good then…”

“Can I have some more of that anesthesia so I can go back to sleep?”

Nurse: “NO! WAKE UP!!”

Reese [disappointed]: “Ohhh-kaayyy…”

Really, the anesthesia is the best part.

Okay, well, I’m certain that my guide to colonoscopy/endoscopy has totally sold you on getting your very own little colonoscopy/endoscopy in the near future. Really and truly, although the process can be a bit uncomfortable, it’s for the best. If I hadn’t gone then perhaps the little tumor Dr. Perfect found in my colon area, and destroyed while she was in there, would have turned into cancer and then I’d be writing about why I should have had the test a long time ago.

If you have health insurance, use it and get the test done. If you don’t have health insurance or your health insurance won’t let you get the test because you’re too young, find out how much a colonoscopy cost in your area, save your money and PAY FOR IT YOURSELF! It’s that important!

Get it done now. It’ll be an adventure and you’ll be saving yourself a lot of grief later on.

Peace and Good Health! :)

© Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved.

The Best Song/Video Ever Created!!

2007-11-15T10:07:00.000-05:00

The awesomely, awesome Michelle Collins of Best Week Ever posted the old 80’s music video (remember those?) for “The Rain” by Oran “Juice” Jones yesterday. The song is about a guy who catches his girlfriend cheating on him in the rain or something or other. Anyways, it doesn’t really matter what the song is about. What matters is the awesome video and the awesome lyrics that make this musical experience totally awesome! (yes, I am in full 80’s lingo mode)

As many of the BWE readers pointed out in the comments section, there’s so much greatness tied to this musical experience that you don’t even know where to start. Well, because I’m bored at work, and because I love “The Rain” so much, I decided to meticulously list, one by one, everything that makes this song and video truly outrageous! I encourage you to adopt any and all quotes as your new e-mail siggies!

Things that Make “The Rain” Gag Me with a Spoon, Delicious!

1. Pleather, rain slicked, coats

2. Oran “Juice” Jones = Poor Man’s Eddie Murphy Look-a-like

3. Uncoordinated butlers lip synching in front of a liquor store

4. “And him… And him…”

5. Dancing in the middle of the street, in the middle of nowhere in a silver, Miami Vice suit

6. Silver, Miami Vice suits

7. Stalker-like tendencies

8. Cheating women completely unaware that they’re being followed by their boyfriend even when their boyfriend is standing right next to them.

9. “And him… And him…”

10. Floating hands somehow breaking through the dimensional, space time-continuum.

11. “Close your mouth ‘cause you’re cold busted!”

12. “My first impulse was to run up on you-do a Rambo. I was about to jam you and flat bust both of you!”

13. “I didn’t want to mess up this thirty-seven hundred dollar lynx coat!”

14. Unbuttoning your cuffs in preparation of bitch slapping your girl…

15. ...and the unfulfilled pleasure of never getting to that point.

16. Instantly turning your ex into a 13 year old runaway/prostitute/crackhead

17. “I gave you things you couldn’t even pronounce!”

18. Blue, bubble letter, alphabet wall paper

19. “You gotta get on outta here with that alley-cat-coat-wearing...

20. ...punch-bucket-shoe-wearing...

21. ...crumbcake I saw you with. Cause you dismissed!"

22. "That's right, silly rabbit, tricks are made for kids, don't you know that."

23. "You without me is like corn flakes without the milk! This is my world."

24. "You're just a squirrel trying to get a nut! Now get on outta here. Scat!"

25. "Don't touch that coat!”

Amazing Race

2007-11-07T20:11:00.000-05:00

Remember our friendly African-American Assistant District Attorney, Lisa? Well the following is something that Lisa told me happened to her the other day. I thought it was hilariously funny so I thought I would share.

A Super-Duper Deluxe Kmart Somewhere in Georgia…

Lisa: [looking around in the book section]

Random Kmart Employee [who happens to be white- yes, this fact you need to know]: “Can I help you find something Miss?”

Lisa: “Yeah, I’m looking for the book by Stephen Colbert. It’s called I Am America and So Can You!.”

Random Employee: “Hmmm…that doesn’t ring a bell. Let’s see…”

[Random Employee looks for the book on various shelves]

Random Employee: “Oh, here it is!”

Lisa: “Oh, you found it?”

Random Employee: “Yes, here you go.”

[Random Employee hands Lisa the book]

Lisa [looks at the book shocked]: “Ummm…”

Random Employee: “Yeah, when you said the title I couldn’t quite place it, but when I saw the book I knew this was the one YOU wanted.”

Lisa: “Ummmm…”

Random Employee: “Yup, I knew YOU wanted this book…”

“The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama.”

Lisa: “Uhhh…”

Random Employee: “You know you should really wait to buy it next week when it comes out in trade paperback. You’ll save a lot more money.”

Lisa: [silent]

Random Employee: “Is there anything else you need? I mean, do you need something further on Barack Obama?”

Lisa: “Ummm…no…ummm…I’m good…”

Random Employee: “Okay, well thanks for shopping at Kmart.”

Lisa: [walks away slowly]

Random Employee: “Come back soon!”

OMG! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

I’m sorry, but I laughed so hard when I first heard this. As Lisa said, when the very words that come out of your mouth are completely changed solely to fit a generalization of what a person thinks another person of a certain race/ethnicity is interested in reading, well there’s no hope for race relation progression in the U.S.

Who knew that Stephen Colbert, I am America and So Can You! translated so easily into Barack Obama, The Audacity of Hope?

So sad. Yet, really…so funny!

© Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved.

So You Think You Can Dance (SYTYCD) 2007 Tour

2007-10-11T12:59:00.000-05:00

I know this isn't my usual type of thing, but I have some SYTYCD friends who want to see pictures and video of the tour so I'm posting my pictures here.

If you don't know what SYTYCD is, well you should probably go read DListed or The Washington Post or something. This post is totally not for you (sorry- I'll go back to my regularly scheduled material later on...I mean, if I'm not being lazy or anything ;)).

Okay, so here are some crappy ~~videos~~ pictures of various parts of the show. I don't have the patience to post all the pictures I took so if you want some ask me for them. Oh, and sorry for the copyright notices on the pictures, but some of you SYTYCD fans are rabid (you know who you are! obey the copyright!!!).

As for the tour, I will say that the show was super awesome and if you're a fan of the show you should definitely go check it out.

My sister and I had great seats (7th row) which is why I was able to take such great pictures. I ~~give Fox/19 Entertainment/AEG Live bonus points for giving us permission to take pictures this year. That was cool.~~ Anyways, here's the relevant media....

UPDATE: Sorry, ya'll but they took down my videos. That really pisses me off because it was not a copyright infringement, but a derivative work (once they gave us permission (not a license, but full on permission)) to photograph and tape, the work becomes derivative.

Ugh! I know total legal speak, but I hate it when websites like youtube and dailymotion just assume that everything is a copyright infringement. BOOOO!!!

Sorry, guys. I tried. We'll have to live with taking those precious bonus points away from the powers that be.

This is nothing. Don't click here. ;)

Lame Dragon Wars

2007-09-14T20:29:00.000-05:00

This is my review of the movie "Dragon Wars" that I posted on another site. I love you all so much, that I thought I would give you a heads up on what has to be the worst movie ever made. This review is full of spoilers so if you don't want to know "important" details then don't read it.

You have been warned!

------------------------------

I'm pretty easy going on movies. Before today, I only had two movies on my list of worst movies ever (Ghost of Mars and The Flintstones). I went to see Dragon Wars knowing nothing about the movie. I didn't know it was Korean, I didn't know there was all this nationalistic pride about it, I really didn't know anything. I just saw the previews about some dragons fighting and I didn't have to work today, so I shot over to the theater to see it (going to see The Brave One with friends tomorrow). Anyways, I went in to this movie completely unbiased...

And it was the worst movie I have ever seen in my life.

I'm sorry to all the Koreans out there who loved this movie. I never thought that any movie could be worse than Ghost of Mars which didn't make sense or the Flintstones which was just ridiculous. But, "D-Wars" actually did it. It was actually the worst movie I have ever seen.

When the movie started and the antique store guy was explaining the legend, I was like "is this a children's movie?" And then, when the guy was explaining about the Yugio (lol!) and the good Pokemon vs. the bad Pokemon (double lol!), I was like "What the hell?" And then when the bad Pokemon's worturtles decided to blow up the girl Transformer's spark, even though that would defeat the whole purpose of whatever their purpose was, I was like "OH MY GOD! WHAT STUDIO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!?!"

And then I realized that the film just didn't "look" American. And the city didn't look like any readily identifiable American city (hence the movie taking place in L.A. and not NY or DC), and I was like "This must not be an American film."

And then I kept watching, took a nap for 10 minutes, woke up to see more Pokemon fighting, wondered if the hot guy from Palace would show up since the movie was obviously Korean, didn't see the hot guy from Palace so went back to sleep, text messaged my friends to let them know how awful the movie was ("everyone involved with this movie should be shot!"), laughed out loud several times, yawned, laughed again at "I will love you for all eternity," and then walked out the theater to listen to Kanye's new CD on my iPhone.

Needless to say, my iPhone was the highlight of this movie going experience.

My Fellow Americans listen up- do not see this movie. For the love of god, do not see this movie. You will throw up, a lot, in your mouth, if you see this movie.

And nobody wants that.

Sheena Easton: My Hero

2007-09-01T21:29:00.000-05:00

I cannot describe to you the amount with which I loved Sheena Easton as a little girl.

I LOVED Sheena Easton!

I mean, everything about Sheena Easton was wonderful to me in the first decade of my life. Her songs were wonderful, her clothes were wonderful, her friends were wonderful (hello- Prince?), and her crazy stare into the camera was wonderful. Everything about Sheena Easton was awesome. And even though I would always get her confused with Sheila E., I always knew that when I grew up I was going to be just like Sheena Easton (and also Janet Jackson, Teena Marie, and Wonder Woman). I mean I literally remember watching the above video for “The Lover in Me” and thinking, “Oh my gawd! I can’t wait until I grow up and get to wear a black mini-dress like Sheena!”

Really, I was such a ho as a kid.

Still wouldn’t mind looking like Sheena today though.

I’m just saying…

Missing in Action

2007-08-17T10:49:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know I have been MIA. I have a good excuse.

Well, I've been contemplating what I want to do with my writing. I know that I'm not a book writer. I just don't have the patience. So, I really have decided to put away my book project- it's just not going to happen.

But, what I have been doing is organizing a certain series that I used to write on this blog and getting it together to do a screenplay. I'm really excited because it's actually coming together fabulously. I don't have any dreams of selling it or anything, it's just something I really want to do to take my writing to the next level or something.

Anyways, that's why I haven't posted in a long time. Please forgive me (I mean, if you still care- lol). I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, I promise.

Also, I WILL finish my stupid car story. I will finish it!!

Soundwave: Behind the Music

2007-07-19T09:49:00.000-05:00

Year of the 30: July

2007-07-06T21:05:00.000-05:00

July 6, 2007: 9:00pm

Dear Diary,

Well, it’s about to happen. The inevitable. I’m turning 30!

The last time I wrote you it was 1997 and I was just minutes away from turning 20. This time it’s 2007 and I’m hours away from turning 30. I would stay up until midnight like I did last time, but I’m too tired to do something like that.

Yes, that’s right- I’m tired. I’m tired and I’m old. But, that’s life, so you’ll just have to deal with it.

You know, surprisingly I’m not that torn up about turning 30. I feel like it’s just my time, you know?

No, I do not think I’m dying. I’m just okay with moving into my 3rd decade. I understand that I’m not a young kid anymore. I mean, for one thing, I now get old people’s diseases.

The last week of my twenties will forever be remembered for the first time that I experienced vertigo. No, I don’t mean dizziness from going on some insane ride at King’s Dominion. I mean real vertigo. Or, scientifically speaking, benign positional vertigo disorder.

What are the symptoms, you ask? Well, I get up from bed and, basically, the room starts spinning. I lay my head to the side and the room starts spinning. I breathe and the room starts spinning.

The doctors say I had some sort of viral ear infection. But, I know the truth. I’m just getting old. My body is just breaking down. I guess I’m going to have to get used to my body failing me- you know, now that I’m an old person. It’s a kind of shocking thing to get used too though…

But...

...actually…

…to tell you the truth…

…now that I think about it…

…I take that back!!

My body has always failed me!

Stupid body!!

If I can recall correctly, the last 30 years has been nothing but my body failing me...

Birth

Doctor: “Your daughter is going to have to get an eye surgery at some point in the future.”

Mom: “What’s wrong with my baby!?!?!?!”

Doctor: “Her right eyelid is way too low. It’s not that big of a deal actually…”

Mom: “MY BABY!!!”

4 Years Later…

Reese: “Oh, look it’s my old stroller. I’m going to climb into it… backwards.”

CRASH!!!

Reese: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

Mom: “MY BABY!!!”

3 Years Later…

Reese: “pdpfdjlfkdfjkdjfdkjfdkjfdkfjdkfjdkjkfdjfkdjd…”

Doctor: “Ma’am…your daughter is very sick…”

Mom: “What’s wrong with my baby?!?!”

Doctor: “Your daughter has…”

[hold for dramatic pause]

Doctor: “Hawaiian Fever…fever…fever…fever…”

Mom: “OH. MY. GOD.”

Doctor: “Yes.”

Mom: “Ummm…what is that, actually? I mean, Reese has never been to Hawaii!”

Doctor: “It’s a foreign strand of flu. Your daughter probably caught it from the Navy brats she goes to school with.”

Reese: “ pdfjdkdpdpdjdkdkdjdjdjdkdopdpdklddodop…”

Doctor [looks at Reese strangely]: “Yes…she’s…very…ill…”

Mom: “MY BABY!!!”

5 Years Later…

Reese: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

Mom [runs into the room- with her eyes closed]: “Okay, Reese. I’m going to open my eyes right now…”

Reese [makes noises like she’s struggling with something]

Mom: “…and when I open my eyes you’re not going to be very ill or require some sort of surgery or stitches…”

Reese: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

Mom [eyes still closed]: “Sigh. How bad is it?”

Reese: “IT’S BAD!! IT’S BAD!!”

Mom: “Tell me what it is before I open my eyes, so I can prepare myself.”

Reese: “Well…”

Mom: “Yes…”

Reese: “I THINK I BROKE MY NECK!!!”

Mom: “WHAT?!?”

Reese's mom opens her eyes to find Reese in her bed with Reese’s head completely tilted to the right, sitting on top of her shoulder…

Reese is unable to move her neck.

At all.

Mom: “OH. MY. GOD.”

Reese: “MY NECK WON’T MOVE!!! IT WON’T MOVE!!! IT’S…”

Mom: [inhales deeply]

Reese: “BROKEN!!!!”

Mom: “MY BABY!!!!”

2 Years Later…

Reese: [falls down]

CC: “MOM!!”

Mom: “MY BABY!!!”

1 Month Later…

Reese: [falls down]

CC: “MOM!!”

Mom: “My, baby.”

1 Week Later…

Reese: [falls down]

CC: “MOM!!”

Mom: “My…my…my, I’m really getting sick of this.”

1 Minute Later…

Reese: [falls down]

CC: “MOM!!”

Mom: “My Stupid CLUMSY DAUGHTER!!!”

3 Years Later…

CC [calls Mom at work]: “MOM!!!”

Mom: “Sigh. Reese fell down again?”

CC: “Mom you have to come quick! SHE’S BLEEDING TO DEATH!!!”

Mom: “CC, you’re a newcomer to this. I’ll take her to the doctor tomorrow.”

CC: “SHE CUT OFF HER FINGER!!!”

Mom: “What??”

Reese: “I NEED GAUZE BANDAGES, STAT!!!”

CC: “WE DON’T HAVE GAUZE BANDAGES!!!”

Reese: “I NEED SOMETHING TO STOP THE BLEEDING!!!”

Mom: “WHAT’S GOING ON??”

CC: “HERE- TAKE MY SOCK!!!”

Reese: “YOU WERE JUST WEARING THAT SOCK!!!”

CC: “WELL… I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU NEED!!!”

Mom: “I’M ON MY WAY!!!”

Reese: “GET ME A TOWEL OR WASH CLOTH OR SOMETHING!!!”

CC: “OKAY…”

Reese: “AND MAKE SURE IT’S CLEAN!!!”

Mom: [running]

Mom’s Boss: “Opal, where are you going?”

Mom: “IT’S…IT’S…MY BABY!!!”

Hahahaha…good times. Good times.

You know, the finger incident story continues with my mom desperately trying to clean up the blood from the kitchen floor with bleach before she actually takes me to the hospital. The story ends with a blood splatter in my doctor’s face and my mother trying to ease his worries by letting him and the whole hospital know that I didn’t have any diseases as I was a virgin.

Yeah...I would write more about that, but now that I think about it, it was an incredibly embarrassing incident and I really don’t want to talk about it anymore.

So, anyways…where were we? Ah, yes! I’m old and my body has always failed me.

Sometimes I wonder if my incredible bad luck is on account of my very unique birthday: 7/7/77. I mean everyone is having a stroke because Saturday is 7/7/07. But, that really doesn't mean anything. I mean, I have four sevens! And it hasn't done anything for me. Hard work and preserverence are the only things that will get you anywhere- not a fluke day.

I say that, but of course the 6 other girls who were born in the same hospital as me on 7/7/77 are probably millionaires who make out with Orlando Bloom.

Witches.

It’s okay though. Really it is. I mean I've done some stuff. I persevered going to school with clan members. I graduated from evil genius high school. I went to college, went to law school, took the bar, started a blog, and lived in two crappy states. That’s something to be proud of…right?

Okay, now I admit I haven’t made much progress on the “man” front. But, I wasn’t really focused on that the last ten years. I was more focused on myself. I would be kind of depressed about that, but most women today are single from what I hear so I’m in good company.

What, else? What else? Hmmmm…

Hmph! Actually, that’s about it.

No crying. No gnashing of the teeth. No desperation. I’m actually cool with this. So, tomorrow I’ll drink some Smirnoff and eat some Ben and Jerry’s and reflect on how cool I am.

Anyways, I guess that’s it. I’ll be talking to you again in ten years. If all goes well, by then, you’ll be the diary of a judge.

And I’ll be writing about my second car break-up.

For my third car marriage, I’m thinking…a pink mini-cooper.

Sweet.

Peace!

xxx Reese the Law Girl xxx

© Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved.

Reese Gets a New Car: Part 2

2007-06-30T19:25:00.000-05:00

Reese on her way to the Toyota Dealership…

Dodge: “You really think they’re going to give you financing?”

Reese: “Shut-up, Dodge! I’m sick of your negativity! That’s why I’m leaving you.”

Dodge: “Look, let’s just stop with all this separation stuff. Let’s…let’s get counseling…”

Reese: “Counseling?”

Dodge: “I know a good mechanic- he’s very understanding. He’ll work with us..”

Reese: “Shut-up, Dodge! We’re already here.”

Dodge [crying]: “Why must you be so cruelllll???”

Reese: “Yeah, you stay here. When I come back, you’ll be all traded in.”

Reese enters Toyota Dealership…

Reese: “Hello. I’m looking for Tony.”

Tony: “Yeah, I’m Tony.”

Reese: “Hey, Tony, I’m Reese. I spoke with you on the phone.”

Tony: “Oh, yeah, yeah. So you ready because when you leave here you gonna have a new car.”

Reese: “Hehehe, yeah, well first things first. I already have financing and I know what kind of car I want. I really like the Scion Xa or even the Toyota Yaris. So, I’m just here to see if Toyota can beat the rate Citi gave me.”

Tony: “Right, well you know don’t worry about that. We’ll work that out. But, why get a Scion Xa or a Yaris when you can get a 2007 Toyota Corolla?”

Reese [sighing]: “Okay…I don’t know how to say this, but…”

Tony: “Yes?”

Reese: “Let’s cut the crap. I don’t want a Toyota Corolla. I’ve done my research, I know how these things go in the dealership- especially with women. You’re not going to convince me to get a more expensive car. You’re just not! So let’s see if you can beat Citi’s financing and get me the car I want on the road now!”

15 Minutes and a Test Drive of the Toyota Corrolla Later…

Tony: “So, the Corolla is nice, huh?

Reese [salty]: “It’s fine.”

Tony: “And it’s a used 2007 so it’s not as expensive as a new car.”

Reese: “Look, no offense, but I don’t want a used car. South Florida dealers are notorious for selling lemons. I want something new that I don’t have to fix. Plus, I want a new car which has 6 airbags…”

Tony: “This car has all the airbags.”

Reese: “Front driver-passenger, front side driver-passenger, and side airbags?”

Tony: “Oh, yeah…yeah.”

Reese: “Let me see the specs of the car.”

Tony: “Specs? Ummm…I’m telling you it has all airbags.”

Reese: “Yeah, right. Well, I’d feel better if I could have the specs.”

Tony: “Right, specs. Okay you wait right here.”

30 Minutes Later…

Tony: “Reese, this is my manager Chuck. He’s going to help us out.”

Reese: “Where are the bloody specs!?!”

Chuck: “Relax, relax. We’ll do this financing, sell you the car, get the specs…”

Reese: “I’m leaving…”

Chuck: “Wait! Wait! Okay, see the problem is…”

Reese: [looks at Chuck with a raised eyebrow]

Chuck: “It’s a used car. We don’t have specs on used cars.”

Reese: “What?”

Chuck: “I mean, we don’t know what the car comes with. We don’t do specs on used cars.”

Reese: “So, let me get this straight…”

Chuck: “Uh-huh…”

Reese: “Someone comes in with a used car?”

Chuck: “Uh-huh…”

Reese: “And you buy that car from the owner?”

Chuck: “Yes, yes…”

Reese: “But, before you buy the car, you don’t take the time to find out what you’re buying?”

Chuck: “Ummm…ermm…”

“Yes?”

Reese: [silent]

10 Minutes Later…Reese Driving Home with Dodge

Dodge: [silent]

Reese: [silent]

Dodge: [silent]

Reese: “… if you say one word…”

Dodge: “I didn’t say anything!”

Reese: “One word!”

Dodge: [silent]

Reese: [silent]

Dodge: [silent]

Reese: “I hate you, Dodge.”

Dodge: “The feeling is mutual super-witch!”

To Be Continued...

© Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved.

Year of the 30: June

2007-06-18T08:54:00.000-05:00

My mom came to visit me and accidentally broke Vicky4. I can’t do any updates until I get her back and we all know how reliable the House of Best Buy is, so she probably won’t be back until the highlight moment of the Year of the 30 (that would be me turning 30 in a couple of weeks).

Sigh.

See you in a few weeks. :(

Reese Gets a New Car: Part 1

2007-05-28T18:25:00.000-05:00

Reese: “Look, Dodge…we need to talk.”

Dodge: “Talk? Talk about what?”

Reese: “Look, I’m going to be 30 in two months. It’s time for me to get an upgrade.”

Dodge: “Upgrade? Upgrade what?”

Reese: “My car.”

Dodge: “Your car?”

Reese: “Yes.”

Dodge: “That would be me?”

Reese: “Yes.”

Dodge: “Oh, I see…”

Reese: “Look, Dodge, I don’t want this to be difficult…”

Dodge: “So, you’re just going to get rid of me?”

Reese: “It’s just that I’m really sick of your passive-aggressiveness.”

Dodge: “PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVENESS?!? I’M NOT PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE!”

Reese: “Dodge, you are so passive-aggressive! You cut out on me for no reason and I have to get you towed…”

Dodge: “IT’S YOUR FAULT!! YOU DIDN’T GET ME A NEW TIMING BELT AT 75,000 MILES!!”

Reese: “And then I go get you a timing belt and you work fine. And just when I think everything is cool you dump the whole exhaust system!”

Dodge: “What was I supposed to do?!? You think I didn’t see you looking at that Scion Xa?!? I SAW YOU LOOKING AT THAT SCION Xa!!!”

Reese: “Oh my god, Dodge! You’re so jealous!!! So what if I was looking at a Scion Xa?”

Dodge: “You don’t appreciate me! You don’t love me like you used to!”

Reese: “Okay, Dodge. Let's not point fingers. We're both at fault...”

Dodge: “No, you're at fault! You’re such a heartless witch! You only care about yourself!!”

Reese: “Dodge, let's not do this...”

Dodge: “LET'S NOT DO "THIS?" WHAT IS "THIS?"

Reese: "Dodge..."

Dodge: "I GOT YOU WHERE YOU ARE, SWEETHEART!! I GOT YOU THROUGH LAW SCHOOL IN OHIO! I MOVED YOU BACK TO MARYLAND!”

Reese: “Dodge…”

Dodge: "I GOT YOU DOWN HERE TO FLORIDA WHERE I BAKED IN THIS HOT SUN! YOU CAN’T JUST LEAVE ME!!"

Reese: "Dodge..."

Dodge: “AND I AM TELLLLLINNNNG YOU…I’M NOT GOING!”

Reese: “Oh, lord…”

Dodge: “YOU’RE THE BEST OWNER I’VE EVER KNOWN, AND THERE’S NO WAY I WILL EVER GOOOO…”

Reese: [heavy sigh]

Dodge: “NO, NO THERE’S NO WAY! NO, NO, NO, NO WAY I’M LIVING WITHOUT YOU! I’M NOT LIVING WITHOUT YOU, NOT LIVING WITHOUT YOU. I DON’T WANT TO BE FREEEEEE!”

Reese: “Dodge, please…”

Dodge: “I’M STAYYYYYYINNNNNG! I’M STAYYYYYINNNNNG! AND YOU, AND YOU, AND YOU, YOU’RE GONNA LOVE---”

Reese [ejects Dreamgirls CD]: “Dodge, it’s too late. I already have financing.”

Dodge: “What?”

Reese: “It’s over.”

Dodge: “It’s not over! I SAY WHEN IT’S OVER!!”

Reese: “Dodge, this is ridiculous.”

Dodge: “I’LL GET EVEN REESE!!! YOU’LL SEEE!!! YOU WILL SEEEEE!!!! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!!!!!!!!!”

Reese: “Whatever.”

Dodge: “Whatever, indeed!! You will pay, Reese the Law Girl. YOU WILLLLLL PAYYYYYYY!!!!”

[To be continued]

© Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved.

Year of the 30: May

2007-05-18T12:22:00.000-05:00

Woe is me! Woe is me!

I'm so depressed that I can't even write and I have SO much to write about!

Eh...I'll be back later. Sometime next week...

Ohhhh, woe is me!!!!!!

Year of the 30: April

2007-04-14T21:40:00.000-05:00

About the song...well, I was watching I Love the 80’s.

So, I know I’ve been MIA the last few weeks. It’s really not my fault. I’m just really, really lazy.

Okay, so below you’ll see the final results of the SD Bracket Challenge. As you’ll see, I lost. I lost miserably. Although I was in first place the entire tournament going into the Final Four, I lost. All because Georgetown didn’t do its job and win the championship. One team lost me the bracket challenge. One team!

Well, I think that’s totally unfair and I expect, EXPECT, all of you to write to Sports Illustrated and insist that it change its bracket challenge rules to ensure that such an injustice never happens again!

Seriously…get to work!

Okay, okay, so check this out. In this month of the Year of the 30 I went to see an allergist. Yes, after almost 13 years of having allergic reactions every time I eat seafood and pineapples, I finally went to see an allergist…

Dr. Lopez: “I hope you’re not here so I can cure you. I don’t do that.”

Reese: “Well, duh, I’m not stupid!”

Reese note to self: allergists don’t cure allergies.

Reese: “Actually, I’m here to get an official diagnosis and to find out how bad my allergies are.”

Dr. Lopez: “Okay, we can do that. So, take off your clothes and lie on the bed.”

Reese: “Wait a minute! This isn’t the koodies doctor! I don’t have to get naked here!”

Dr. Lopez [heavy sigh]: “I can see we’re going to have issues with you, huh?”

Reese: “I don’t get naked for non-koodies doctors! I don’t get naked for koodies doctors!”

Dr. Lopez: “Ms. Law Girl, please. We have to do a back skin test to determine what you’re allergic too. It’s standard procedure and if you want an official diagnosis you’re going to have to get the test.”

Reese: “Oh, oh, well. Okay.”

So, I put on the stupid gown and the doctor and the nurse come back in with trays, upon trays of strange liquids. Now, I’m not stupid enough not to know what a skin test is. I knew it involved pricking of some sorts. Actually, I really tried not to focus on it too much. I just figured it would be mildly uncomfortable, not, well…

Reese: “HOLY CRAP THAT HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Nurse: “Please keep still, Ms. Law Girl.”

Reese: “OWWWWWWWWWW, OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!”

Dr. Lopez: “If you think about something else, it won’t hurt so much. Let’s do some small talk. So, what do you do for a living, Reese?”

Reese: “Ummmm…OWWWWWWW…ehhhh…Ummmm…”

Dr. Lopez: “You don’t know what you do for a living?”

Reese: “Well…ummm…ARRRGHHHH…well, doctors sometimes get a little nervous…ummm…AGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!...about my job…”

Dr. Lopez: “The only people that make doctors nervous are lawyers. You’re not a lawyer are you?”

Reese [looks at Dr. Lopez and her imposing needles]: “No, no, of course not. Ummm…the government…I work for the government.”

Dr. Lopez [laughs]: “Oh, I get it. The IRS.”

Reese: “Ummm, well…OW OW OW OW…”

Dr. Lopez: “Well, the IRS doesn’t scare me. I’m perfectly honest on all of my tax returns.”

Reese: “Yes, I’m sure…HAAA-HAAAAAAAAAAA…I’m sure you’re perfect with your taxes and all.”

Dr. Lopez: “Since you’re with the IRS, maybe you could answer some tax questions for me…”

Reese [nervous]: “Ehhh, hehehe well…I’m really not allowed too…OWWWWWWWWIIIEEEEE…give advice…”

Dr. Lopez: “Oh, ethical concerns, huh?”

Reese [still nervous]: “Ummm…you could say that…”

Dr. Lopez: “Oh, but you can answer just one question…”

Reese: “Ummm, Dr. Lopez how many more of these do we have to do?”

Dr. Lopez: “About 30.”

Reese: “OH GODDDDDD!!!!”

Dr. Lopez: “Now, am I allowed to deduct occupational expenses from a professional corporation related to items usually found on the [insert Charlie Brown teacher speak- wah wah wah wah wah wah]”

Reese [in pain, itching, and thinking to herself]: “Why, why did I decide to do this to myself?!?”

Anyways, after twenty minutes of itching from hell and dodging tax questions, I learned that I have a severe allergy to pineapples and a “maybe” allergy to seafood. Except that the test isn’t conclusive and based on previous reactions we know that I really do have a severe allergy to seafood. Anyways, now I have to carry around a handy dose of epinephrine everywhere I go, you know, so’s I don’t die. And, as it turns out, it’s a good thing that I got my new “epi-pen” because next week I’m going to San Francisco for work- and we all know how SanFran is a seafood mecca.

Anyways, yes, I, Reese the Law Girl, the girl who said she would never step foot in California due to her incredible phobia of earthquakes and unstoppable bad luck, is going to San Francisco. I’m actually going into this trip with optimism that I’ll have a good time and the Big One won’t hit Cali while I’m there.

Yeah…

Pray for me.

Seriously ya’ll, I’m scared. Pray for me.

-------------------------------

Final Standings of SD Bracket Challenge

1. Better Luck Next Year [formerly Team Lewis], 154 pts.

2. Team McC, 137 pts.

3. AntiPimp w/o a Golfclub, 134 pts.

4. TEAM BIG BOY, 131 pts.

5. This is Why I'm Hot, 120 pts. (but, I got the most picks right of anyone- 52!! Yeah, that's right, I'm gonna brag about something!)

6. The Jones Factor, 103 pts.

7. AkronGotScrewed, 87 pts.

8. Team Playboy, 80 pts.

9. 1st Name was a Curse (This was "The Winner" aka "Lisa"), 70 pts.

10. Haven'tWatchedaGameYet, 69 pts.

11. The Legendary Sannin, 65 pts.

12. Team Desiree, 55 pts.

13. The Flossy Flossy, 0 pts.

© Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved.

Dinner for Four?

2007-03-25T19:00:00.000-05:00

I'm hot 'cause I'm fly
You ain't cause you not
This is why,
This is why,
This is why I'm hot!

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Okay, riddle me this...what infamous law girl had such a stellar bracket that she picked a perfect final four?

I'll give you a hint....

Her name is Reese the Law Girl.

Booo-yah!!!!

Hehehehehe, I have to brag. This is the best I've ever done in the tourney, so I'm quite proud of myself. And, after the week I had, I deserve it.

You see, a little three-year old decided to pass along a wonderful stomach virus to me last Sunday called "gastrointinitis." It's a wonderful disease that renders you completely helpless.

Reese: "Ohhh, yeah! Can't wait for this week's episode of Battlestar Galac..."

"Ummmm....owwww...."

"So...cold...."

"Must...watch...Battlestar..."

[Reese falls to the ground shaking violently with the fever shivers]

As I lay on my beautiful hardwood floors, I actually began to visualize my funeral. Everyone was there. My mom, my dad, CC, "Lisa," Boy with Flowers, Leslye, Eliza, Juicy, Alex the Law Boy, Dez, Caro, Karla, J, Kom, Derek, and you. You were there!

And just so you know, you all were very torn up about my passing. Really, I don't know how you would go on without me.

By Wednesday I thought I had recuperated. But, later I found out the virus I had actually came in two parts. The first part was the fever, headaches, and muscle aches. The second part was all of the lovely things that deal with your stomach.

Needless to say, I was very disappointed with my relapse. Mainly because two months prior I had purchased tickets to see Wicked. And, of course, my time to see Wicked was Thursday, the day after my relapse. Anyways, even though I was in a horrible state health wise, I was forced to skip Wicked and stay at home eating Jello and drinking Gatorade.

hehehehehehehehe....

Hehehehehehehehehehe....

MU-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

You all know that I wouldn't skip seeing a musical I paid $84.00 for! Of course I went to see Wicked! And I spread gastrointitis to the entire third tier. I guess everyone will just have to deal with it!

Anyways, here are the current standings for the SD Bracket Challenge. Note how I'm still in first place. Note that.

SD Bracket Challenge Standings

1. This is Why I'm Hot, 104pts.

2. Team Lewis, 90pts.

3. AntiPimp w/o a Golf, 86pts.

4. TEAM BIG BOY, 83pts.

5. Team Playboy, 80pts.

6. Team McC, 73pts.

7. The Jones Factor, 71pts.

8. AkronGotScrewed, 71pts.

9. 1st Name was a Curse (This was "The Winner" aka "Lisa"), 70pts.

10. Haven'tWatchedaGameYet, 69pts.

11. The Legendary Sannin, 65pts.

12. Team Desiree, 55pts.

13. The Flossy Flossy, 0pts.

Yattaa!

2007-03-16T07:37:00.000-05:00

I'm in first place in the SD Bracket Challenge!!!

YATTAA!!!!!!! (This is a Heroes reference; you'll get it if you watch the show).

I'm celebrating my first place finish after the first day of the tournament because I know I will never, ever, ever be in first place again!

YATTAA!!!!!!!

Here are the standings after day 1...

SD BRACKET CHALLENGE STANDINGS - Overall

1. This is Why I'm Hot(This is me- and now you know why I'm hot) 17pts.

2. The Legendary Sannin(This is my sister- she has zero basketball knowledge) 15pts.

3. TEAM BIG BOY(This is "Lisa's" co-worker- he picked all the #1's for the final four...I know, he's crazy) 14pts.

4. AkronGotScrewed(This is Derek. He's a mid-major head. He refuses to bow down to the ACC (not Duke) like I told him too) 14pts.

5. AntiPimp w/o a Golf(This is fellow law-boy Alex. He's a Duke fan. Yes, you may celebrate his misery) 14pts.

6. Team McC (This is another co-worker of "Lisa's." And another tragedy of believing in Duke) 13pts.

7. The Jones Factor(This is another friend of "Lisa's." She has a lot of basketball knowledge- which means she's going to lose the bracket challenge) 13pts.

8. Haven'tWatchedAGameYet (This is my friend ToyaDe. She hasn't watched any basketball this season. And it shows- booo-yah!) 13pts.

9. Team Playboy (This is the boy who sent me flowers. He thinks he's hot. He doesn't know he's only a little hot ;)) 12pts.

10. The Winner (This is "Lisa." And this is what happens to you when you declare yourself the winner) 12pts.

11. Team Lewis (I believe this is "Lisa's" cousin. I'm not sure, but if it is then don't let the bad first showing fool you. He'll probably end up in the top 3) 11pts.

12. Team Desiree (Awww, poor Dez! But, she's gonna beat all of us in the end when her son becomes the #1 pick in the NBA draft 20 years from now) 8pts.

13. The Flossy Flossy (This is "Lisa's" sister. She forgot to go back and make her picks, therefore guaranteeing that the rest of us won't be in last place. Thanx! ;)) 0pts.

I'll post new standings after Round 2. Root for me!! ;)

SD Bracket Challenge- Join NOW!!!!

2007-03-11T22:04:00.000-05:00

SD Bracket Challenge, SD Bracket Challenge, SD Bracket Challenge, SD Bracket Challenge!!!

Whoooo-hooooo!!!!!

For those who don’t know- like you live outside of the U.S. or you live in the U.S., but you have never watched TV or talked to an American in your life, March Madness is the annual, month long event where we all find out which college basketball team is the best college basketball team in the land. It’s a huge! Wait…HUGE, event.

65 teams compete against each other in 33 games. If a team loses just once, they are tossed out of the tournament (one and done, as it’s called).

So, we start with 65 teams. After the first round, we have 32 teams. After the second round, we have 16 teams (called the Sweet 16). Then, we have 8 teams (called the Elite 8). Next we have 4 teams (called the Final Four). And, finally, we have the last 2 teams (which have been referred to as the Dynamic Duo (even if it does infringe on Batman’s ™)).

The teams are all organized in a bracket. Thus, with the Bracket Challenge, you try to guess which teams will win their respective games.

So, Something Different is sponsoring a Bracket Challenge again this year. If you’d like to play, follow the directions below (please play!! It’s so much more fun the more people you have). :)

Directions:

1) Go here and register your team.

2) After you've registered, click on "Find League" under the League Info tab at the top of the page.

3) The league name for this blog is SD Bracket Challenge. To join, you have to have SD Bracket Challenge’s password. The password is lawgirl.

Now, I know some of you are probably saying, “I can’t play. I don’t know anything about basketball. I don’t even know what basketball is.” But, that’s okay. And, I’ll tell you why…

Tomorrow (if you read my blog, then you know what the next post is).

For now, go register. And, later this week, read How to Fill Out Your Bracket and then pick your teams!

Yeah!!!

March Madness is here!!

P.S.: If you’d like to pass this on to other people, you may. The more the merrier.

P.P.S.: If you win, you'll get my undying respect.

Good Luck!!!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!!!

2007-03-07T20:21:00.000-05:00

hehehehehehehehehehehe…

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe…

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE…

MUUU-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

I’M GOING TO DESTROY YOU PEOPLE IN THE SOMETHING DIFFERENT BRACKET CHALLENGE!!!

YOU BETTER BRING IT!!!

PS: Technically, you can’t even begin to bring it until Monday…

But, on Monday you BETTER BRING IT!!!

Stop by on Monday to see how to join the Something Different March Madness Bracket Challenge.

**Reese**

Year of the 30: February

2007-02-19T11:45:00.000-05:00

Lucky for the rest of the world that I've calmed down a bit. Not completely, but I’m not so mad at the world...right now. There are several reasons why…

Reason #1: Reese had a half-way decent Valentine’s Day

A boy actually sent me flowers. AND, he sent me tulips which are my favorite AND he didn’t even know that tulips were my favorite. He just figured that they “suited” me.

Wow.

I have nothing else to say about that, other than I was very much impressed.

Reason #2: Reese is buying a new car

I’m sick of the Dodge’s persistent attempts to overthrow me! I’ve had it and in the next couple of months I will be purchasing a new (Read: New, not Used) car.

Since I’m all about gas mileage and safety, the current frontrunners are the Honda Fit and the Scion Xa. I’m currently leaning towards the Scion Xa because I can personalize it “Reese style” (Read: LED Illuminations and Red and Black interior accents).

Reason #3: Reese’s Ultra Cool Work Schedule

I only have to go to work four days a week. One Friday of the week I work at home. The other Friday I’m just off and can do whatever I want.

Sweet.

Reason #4: Naruto is back.

I’m not even going to explain this, but if you know about Naruto then you know what I’m talking about.

Anyhoo, I haven’t done any great writing recently. Today, I really am going to refine my outline so I know where I’m going in my story.

At this rate, I anticipate that I’ll finish this book around 2015.

Feel free to “booo" me if you want.

Unfortunate Miami Celebrity Sighting #6: Tragic Anna

2007-02-09T09:11:00.000-05:00

DISCLAIMER: This is a really morbid story and I don’t know why I’m posting it. It’s not funny at all and you’ll probably think badly of me in some way for writing it. I just thought it was something interesting that happened yesterday.

I do genuinely feel bad for Anna Nicole Smith. She was all sorts of tragic.

------------------------------------------------

Thursday, February 8, 2007. 1:30 p.m.

[Random people outside Reese’s office all aghast]

Reese: “What is wrong with you people? I’m trying to concentrate on Britney’s latest foibles on DListed.”

Becky: “Oh my god, Reese! You won’t believe what’s going on.”

Reese: “What?”

Becky: “My friend, Mark, he works for the Seminoles…”

Reese: “Yeah…”

Becky: “He said that Anna Nicole Smith is at the Seminole Hard Rock…”

Reese [rolls eyes]: “Big deal.”

Becky: “Oh my god, listen!”

“Okay, so Mark says she collapsed in her room. The paramedics came trying to resuscitate her…”

Reese: “What do you mean, “trying to resuscitate?”

Becky: “Mark says, rumor is…”

Reese: “Yeah…”

Becky: “She’s dead!”

Reese [gasps]: “NO!”

Becky: “YES!”

Reese: “No way! I’m on DListed and the Washington Post online and there’s no "Anna Nicole is Dead" story.”

Becky: “Because they haven’t released the information yet! She’s dead at the Hard Rock!”

Reese: “No way!”

Becky: “Totally.”

Reese: “Wow. That’s so sad.”

Becky: “I know…it’s tragic.”

Reese: “So sad…I feel like…I’ve just lost my trashy, drugged up, cousin or something.”

Becky: “I know.”

Reese: [heavy sigh]

Becky: “I wonder where the baby is?”

Reese: “Is the baby at the Hard Rock?!?”

Becky: “I don’t know…”

Reese: [thinking and getting way too excited]

Becky: [thinking the same as Reese and getting way too excited]

Reese & Becky: “LET’S CALL MARK!”

© Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved.

You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry (Also, Miami Celebrity Sighting #5: The Cast of Reno 911)

2007-01-28T21:51:00.000-05:00

I can already see that the Year of the 30 is going to be all about jacking people up.

Seriously, I’ve been in a really foul mood lately and everyone else is having to pay the price for it. Like a couple of weeks ago when I went to see Stomp the Yard…

Reese [in a foul mood]: “Egypt this movie is all sorts of gay…”

Egypt: “Hey, at least there is eye candy.”

Reese [in an increasing foul mood]: “Not only is this movie all sorts of gay, but there are a bunch of idiot 13 year olds sitting in the back of the theater who won’t shut up!”

Egypt: “I know, girl. Just ignore them…”

Reese [seriously foul mood right now]: “I…can’t…”

Egypt: “Reese, just ignore them…”

Reese: “No, no. I’m going to say something…”

Egypt: “Reese, no…”

Reese: “I’m going to handle this…”

Egypt [pleading]: “Reese…”

Reese: “HEY YOU STUPID PARASITES! SHUT THE $%*& UP, RIGHT NOW! IF YOU DON’T, I SWEAR FOR GOD I’LL SHUT YOU UP MYSELF!!!”

Stupid Kids: “Sorry, mami. We’ll be quiet.”

Reese [sticks up middle finger]: “DON’T ANSWER ME WHEN I TELL YOU TO SHUT UP!!!”

And then, when I went to the South Beach Comedy Festival and saw the cast of Reno 911…

Reese: “Oh, what the hell? What is this red carpet? What nappy headed rapper is in town now?”

Random Paparazzi: “Duh! It’s the cast of Reno 911. They’re here for a special screening of their new movie!”

Reese: “Oh, cool…”

Random Paparazzi: “Yeah.”

Reese: “Yeah…so…”

“MOVE OUT OF MY WAY SO I CAN SEE THEM! DAMN!!!”

And then, when I went to see Mike Epps at the South Beach Comedy Festival…

[Random Person politely walks through the row to get to their seat and, unfortunately, has to walk past Reese]

Random Person: “Excuse me, Excuse me…”

Reese: “SIT YOUR @$$ DOWN! DON’T YOU KNOW I’M TRYING TO WATCH MIKE EPPS!!!”

And then at the IHOP yesterday morning…

Stupid Kids: “Oh, mommy! I love breakfast!”

Reese: “IF SOMEONE DOESN’T SHUT THEIR KID UP THEY ARE GOING TO GET SUPER EMBARRASED…BY ME…RIGHT NOW!!!”

[Reese makes scary face]

Random Parent: “Okay, honey. Stay away from the scary black woman…”

I think when you turn 30 you stop taking mess from people. Or maybe, I never had the opportunity to take out my aggression during my twenties and it’s coming out now. I’m not sure. But, what I do know is this…

Beware of the Law Girl who turns 30. She will jack you up.

© Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved.

The Year of the 30: January

2007-01-10T15:05:00.000-05:00

I’m turning 30 this year.

I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m really excited.

Actually, I don’t know why, but I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. It’s been happening slowly ever since I moved to South Florida and now I have like no life left. I’m literally a walking shlump of human just going about her usual routine every day.

I feel like I need something new. Actually, I think I know what I need. So far, I’ve estimated that I need $5 million dollars. If I were to get $5 million dollars I’m pretty sure the life would come back to me.

So much money…[Reese drools like Homer Simpson]…

So, anyways, the book is still going…sort of…

Okay, the book is really bad. I’m only starting the third chapter. Oh, it’s so awful. It’s really, really awful. In fact, here’s the first chapter. I’m pretty sure that I’m going to rewrite it so I’m okay with sharing it with you now.

I forewarn you that this is not even slightly entertaining. I have ZERO knowledge about how to write a book. The structure of the writing is just really, really bad. I mean, it really is bad. It’s not even funny at all. Like at all! The only reason why I’m sharing it is because I’m a glutton for embarrassment and punishment. Right now, its embarrassment and punishment that keeps me going in the Year of the 30.

Okay, so here’s the first chapter. To answer your question in advance, this story is loosely, LOOSELY, based on my life.

Oh, and my real name isn’t Reese Lilianne Stallworth.

I mean, Lilianne? Puh-leeze!

---------------------------------------

Chapter 1

Underappreciated

Have you ever had one of those days?

You know, the day that changes your whole life?

No, I don’t mean in an “Everyone Died But Me and Now I’m Going to do What I Always Wanted to do and Start a Home for Underprivileged Kids” sort of way. I mean, the day you realized that you could give a flying fig Newton if a series of environment altering meteors descended upon the earth turning our planet into an ice age for the next 8 million years!

Have you ever had one of those days?

No? Oh, okay, I was just checking.

Well, if you’ve never had one of those days, I’m guessing that you’re not a federal employee. Because, I can tell you, at least 10 federal employees an hour have one of those days.

Now, I know the stereotype of the federal employee: lazy, spoiled, and unappreciative. But, I have to say, I think the stereotype is completely unfair. The misconception that people have of us feds boggles my mind. If people really knew our story they would be marching down the national mall shouting, “Rights for Feds!” instead of giving us an evil eye.

Of course, you don’t believe me. You think I’m just complaining. But, I’m not. It’s really true. We feds have it bad. And today, on this very day, I, Reese Lilianne Stallworth, have conceded defeat to the powers that run our nation’s federal government. They have my very soul- and there’s no way I’m ever going to get it back.

I must admit, their plan was fool proof. Even I, a self-proclaimed world genius, wasn’t able to figure it out. But, hindsight is 20/20 and my vision is somewhere around 20/250, so I really shouldn’t beat myself up about not being a step ahead.

Growing up, I was always brilliant. “Oh, Reese is so bright.” “Reese is so articulate.” “Reese is so clever.” Man, I used to live for that. While other kids were whoring for their next hit of ecstasy, or whoring for the boy or girl that would sweep them off their feet and sweep away their virginity, I was whoring for something completely different- admiration.

“Look at me! Admire me! I am wonderfully brilliant! I am the exception. I am awesome.”

“I am your god!!”

Okay, wait, that went a little too far. But, I was a whore for admiration. I really blame the educational system for this. It shines a spotlight on those who are remarkable. But, it doesn’t tell those remarkable idiots that the real world could care less about their “remarkableness.” Inevitably, I was in store for a great big old fall.

Graduated from one of the top high schools in the country, I did. Breezed my way through college and graduated with a 3.5gpa. This led to a full scholarship at one of the oldest law schools in the country. I thought I was on the fast track. In fact, I knew it. I had it all planned out.

College. Law School. Bar. Attorney. Money. Great Life.

The plan was flawed, I know. I see that now. After the bar, I didn’t really have much of a plan. In fact, I don’t know if I had much of a plan to begin with anyway. But, here it is- the map to what was supposed to be my life. If I had it to do all over again, I would tell Past Reese to become a hair weaver to the stars instead of an attorney. Developing the perfect lace front wig would have probably been more fulfilling.

The rug slowly started coming out from under me at my first big job opportunity. I was a bright eyed, bushy tailed third year law student poised to make a hell of a lot of money at a big firm. And, I was sitting with two of the firm’s partners doing my interview in one of the city’s swankiest restaurants.

You know, when a firm takes you out to lunch during the interview, you’re pretty much assured of the job. Firms don’t spend money on law students they don’t plan on hiring.

So, what was the problem, you ask? Well, the problem was that I thought slavery had ended back in 1865. Of course, the firm didn’t really see it that way…

“So, here at Jefferson Washington & Plantation, we live for our clients. We work hard, but reward our associates even harder.”

Ha! I remember that load of crap speech just like it was yesterday.

“Well, I’m really excited about working at JW&P,” I said. “I’m especially excited to be working in the intellectual property department. I love copyright and trademark law…”

“Oh…hahahahaha,” interrupted Master aka “big firm partner.” “My dear little slave girl, you won’t be working in the IP group.”

“What do you mean? That’s what I applied for. To work in the IP department.”

Master responded, “Look, JW&P doesn’t exactly have the best diversity track record in the city…”

“Excuse me…,”now, I was interrupting.

“We have one black attorney in the firm. She’s a litigator and she’s excellent. Did you know that black women make for excellent litigators?”

I was confused. “I’m confused,” I said.

“Let me put this bluntly. We want another black female litigator. We’ve chosen you. You will be in the litigation house and that is where you will stay until we tell you otherwise.”

I think I even saw the partner crack a whip at me after he said that. Honestly, I started spacing out so much at the absurd situation that I had gotten myself into that I didn’t even hear the “Mao! Di Di Mao!” screams that the partner had yelled at me.

Needless to say, I didn’t take that job. I was a fighter, always have been. I promised myself somewhere around 1991 to always wear my Africa medallion, my X cap, my Cross-Color green pants, and to “Fight the Power. Fight the Powers that be!” My militant sub-conscious wouldn’t let me serve as a house negro to whitey. So, I graduated with no job lined up.

Funny…I wonder where Militant Reese is now. I’m just guessing, but I think the CIA locked her away deep, deep, deep into my subconscious.

In any case, I moved on. I decided that the firm thing probably wasn’t right for someone as strong and opinionated as me. I needed to be somewhere were my superiors would appreciate my stellar work and excellent accomplishments. Somewhere where I could easily outshine my contemporaries. And, like a light bulb that was smashed on top of my head, I knew that that “somewhere” was the federal government.

Yes, for all intents and purposes, I was an idiot for believing this. But, really, understand my logic here.

I had previously interned for the federal government. Heck, I grew up in and around the beltway. I knew how the system worked. I mastered the system by default of my childhood home’s zip code. As always, I knew I would be an exception to the rule. But, as it turns out, I was just another gold star faded away into a gray star on the great big board of federal employees who have lost the will to live.

How? How did this happen? Actually, it’s easy really. I bet you didn’t know that there are only eight steps to destroying a federal employee’s bright flame of life:

Step 1: Hire the Employee

In this step, you hire the employee and make the employee believe that your organization is fair. That it is looking for hard workers who deserve grade-step increases and incentive awards. And, most importantly, you re-emphasize how fair your organization is.

Step 2: Pay Employee About Half of What They Would Make in the Private Sector

Self-explanatory. Find out what an attorney in the private sector makes and pay the federal attorney half of that. Make up for the glaring lack of compensation by yelling “Don’t forget the benefits! You’re getting great benefits!” at the new employee every chance you get.

Step 3: Pay All Unqualified White Males More Money then Overly Qualified Females

Hey, you’ve got to have a glass ceiling right?

Step 4: Reward New Employee with an Incentive Award

This keeps up the appearance that your organization is fair. It also keeps the new employee, if she happens to be a female, off the trail that her white male counterparts who are idiots are making more money than she is.

Step 5: Leak to All Overly Qualified Employees that Someone Unqualified is Making More Money Than They Are

This is truly when the soul sucking takes place. It continues with Step 6…

Step 6: Remind Overly Qualified Employees That if They File a Grievance They will be Blacklisted

Ohhhh, the dreaded Blacklist. It’s the scariest thing ever to a federal employee. Feds on the blacklist are tortured and humiliated ala Abu Grahb on a daily basis. And, they are never allowed to leave the agency which caused all of their problems in the first place. The Blacklist elicits the rightful fear of all federal employees. I can’t be certain, but it’s my belief that feds lose about 75% of their soul during this step alone.

Step 7: Take Away Any and All Privileges Given to the Federal Employee

This step is a little tricky. You have to take away the important things that the federal employee loves while making it look like doing so is simply a “necessary administrative decision.” In the end, the decision is highly questionable in its workplace efficiency, but it is effective in sucking out the remaining 25% of the employee’s soul.

Step 8: Infinite Deniability

It is inevitable that the federal employee will now try to reclaim their precious soul. And, it’s the federal manager’s job to retain the precious. It’s their precious now. The key to this step is infinite deniability.

When the federal employee asks, let’s say, to get an office that’s not full of asbestos, the federal manager will reply with, “You’re one of the people that I didn’t want to move into a horrible office. I would love to move you somewhere better, but they won’t let me. It’s not my fault, but give me some time and I’ll work on it. Okay?”

The federal manager will keep repeating the above statement every time the federal employee asks to be taken out of the asbestos office. In the end, the federal employee will give up all hope that her concerns will be addressed. She’ll sink away into her office knowing that she is now a goner to the system. In the alternative, she’ll apply to another agency to get out of the hell she is in now and the federal manger can give the position that the federal employee left vacant to the manager’s best friend.

And, there you have it. Voila! The federal employee’s flame is out. Her soul crushed. Her star faded. Her hope gone. And her life over.

I see it now. The plan as it was. And, I realize that resistance truly is futile. There’s nothing I can do to escape my path of mediocrity in the federal government.

Thus far, the only solution I’ve come up with is that maybe it’s time for a new plan.

© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Reesey Year in Review

2006-12-29T13:04:00.000-05:00

Oh my god! I totally forgot that I had a blog. I'm so silly!

For fun, let's recap my 2006...

Work: I got a promotion. Hooray for me, whoppdee woo!

Life: I have none, so that kind of negates the happiness of getting a promotion.

Boys: Boooooooo!!!!

Money: By the end of the year I had amassed a whopping $400.00 in my savings account. Whoppdee woo!

Friends: They're still around caring for me and such.

Family: Ditto.

Well, there's 2006 in a nutshell. Let's all hope that 2007 will be just as exciting!

PS: I didn't put Gnarles Barkely on the Songs of 2006 list because I just can't stand C-Lo for more than 5 minutes. Something about him and his voice just grates on my nerves. As does that damn "Crazy" song or whatever it's called. It's like that song comes on and I get really pissed off! I think it's some sort of biological condition or something. I don't know, but I just can't stand C-Lo!

Reese the Law Girl's Songs of 2006

2006-12-21T18:23:00.000-05:00

Well, it's that time of the year again!

I know, I know! You've been waiting ALL YEAR for this!

As I have become the definitive expert on which songs are worthy of receiving the Reese Stamp of Approval, I now present to you my Songs of 2006.

As with previous years, all of the songs are not ranked, except for the coveted SONG OF THE YEAR (duh, duh, dun!!). Which song will take over for Amerie's "1 Thing" from last year? Well, you're about to find out.

Are you excited?

I bet you're excited!

I mean, as of this point, you have no idea which song I'm going to pick...

What?

What do you mean the video to the Song of the Year is playing in the background?

Oh, okay fine! I see how it is. Well, I'm still declaring the winner with all of the pomp and circumstance that comes with it.

Reese's Song of 2006...

"Get Up" by Ciara

Right now you're probably wondering why I picked Ciara. Well, basically 2006 was a weird year for music, I think. Unlike previous years, there was no one song that just blew me away; however, there were still a whole bunch of songs I really liked. Honestly, I was torn between Ciara, Beyonce, Nelly Furtado, and Lionel Richie. In the end I picked Ciara because she has the same name as my sister and because "Get Up" was the only song I could listen to multiple times this year without hurling due to excessive playback.

Taking over Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway" as CD of the Year this year is K.T. Tunstall's "Eye to the Telescope." I really thought this CD was phenomenal. If you haven't heard of K.T. Tunstall, do yourself a favor, trust me, and buy her album. You will absolutely love it.

Didn't ask the little cousins for their input this year, so there will be no appearances by Pretty Ricky and Bobby Valentino. I'm sure you're quite broken up about that.

Hehehehe, anyways, here's the Rest of the Best!

PS: Stop dancing! You ain't Ciara. You know you're just embarassing yourself!

-------------------------

"Ain't No Other Man" Christina Aguilera

"Better Days" Goo Goo Dolls

"Control Myself" LL Cool J f/t Jennifer Lopez

"Dance, Dance" Fall Out Boy

"Fergilicious" Fergie

"Ghetto Story (Part 2)" Cham f/t Alicia Keys

"Here it Goes Again" OK Go

"I Call it Love" Lionel Richie

"I Write Sins Not Tragedies" Panic! At the Disco

"Kick Push" Lupe Fiasco

"Maneater" Nelly Furtado

"Need a Boss" Shareefa f/t Ludacris

"Promiscuous" Nelly Furtado

"Pullin' Me Back" Chingy f/t Tyrese

"Ramalama [bang bang]" Roisin Murphy

"Ring the Alarm" Beyonce

"S.O.S." Rhianna

"Say I" Christina Milian

"SexyBack" Justin Timberlake

"Show Me What You Got" Jay-Z

"Show Stopper" Danity Kane

"So Excited" Janet

"Suddenly I See" K.T. Tunstall

"Stupid Girls" Pink

"Upgrade U" Beyonce f/t Jay-Z

"Unwritten" Natasha Bedingfield

"We Be Burnin' (Legalize It)" Sean Paul

"We Run This" Missy Elliot

"Welcome to the Black Parade" My Chemical Romance

"What You Know" T.I.

"(When You Gonna) Give It Up To Me" Sean Paul f/t Keyshia Cole

"Why Wanna Do That" T.I.

© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Do You Know What Today Is?

2006-11-30T08:08:00.000-05:00

Well, today is the two year anniversary of Something Different.

Whoopie!!

Did someone make me a cake? Someone should have at least made me a cake?

Okay, fine I don’t need a cake. I’ll go treat myself today for having a blog for two whole years and actually posting new, but bad material on a semi-consistent basis.

Actually, for the last few weeks I’ve been treating myself to lot’s of bad food. So, I don’t think I’ll do anymore treating.

Hmmm…let’s see…

Ummm, oh, I know! I will reflect on how I have changed over the last two years…

Well…I haven’t grown more compassionate, although I do care more about certain issues than I used too. Ummm…

Oh, oh! I now live in Miami.

Gosh, that’s weak. You mean the only thing that’s changed about me is my address? That’s so weak!

Eh, but it’s all I got.

So, ummm…

Happy Anniversary to me and SD!!

Here's an old picture I found of me with glasses. I don't know why I put it in this post. I just felt like being weird. ;p~~~

LL, LL! Where Fore Art Thou, LL?

2006-11-27T18:40:00.000-05:00

Oh my god!

I heard this song on the radio this evening. I suddenly felt all soft and squishy inside when I heard it.

Why wasn’t I eighteen when this song came out so I could have a boyfriend who would rap or at least lip-synch this song to me? Oh my god! If a boy had rapped this song to me it would have been all over!

Boy: “Romance sheer delight how sweet.
I gotta find me a girl to make my life complete.
You can scratch my back, well get cozy and huddle.
I’ll lay down my jacket so you can walk over a puddle…”

Reese: “OH MY GOD, I LOVE YOU!! WHAT DO YOU WANT? MONEY, JEWELRY, MY KIDNEY?!? YOU CAN HAVE IT!!”

Boy: “But, I haven’t even got to the chorus…”

Reese: “I’LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING!!!!!”

Arghh!!! It’s so frustrating! Guys don’t talk like this anymore. Everything’s all about bitches and ho’s and ode’s to big booties!

You stupid boys! If you knew anything you would know that girls are suckers for this stupid cheezy stuff!

That’s it! I’ve had it. I’m going back in time. I’m going to steal a just legal LL Cool J and marry him.

If you need me I’ll be back in 1986.

© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Racism in the Justice System

2006-11-15T14:09:00.000-05:00

This is actually Lisa’s story. Remember “Lisa?” Assistant District Attorney in Georgia and crazy girl who has odd tastes in men and even odder ideas about effective relationships?

Oh, just go click her name over at the sidebar if you don’t remember.

Now, some background information: In the state of Georgia, sheriffs have control of their prisons. So, if they are taking a prisoner from another county, they have the right to send said prisoner back to the county of origin if they don’t want the prisoner anymore. Like because the prisoner is causing too much trouble or something.

Did that make sense?

I hope so, or you’re totally not going to get this story.

Enjoy it for what it's worth.

PS: Everyone in this story speaks with a southern accent. You need to know this so you get the whole effect.

Sherriff John: “Hey, Lisa. Did I ever tell you what happened a while back when I had to transport some prisoners to this new prison in Dade County, Georgia?”

Lisa: “No, you didn’t tell me.”

Sherriff John: “Oh, yeah, well see a while back I was transferring some prisoners to Dade County. It was just me and Deputies Smith and Wesson. We were transporting about 20 prisoners, most of them black. They were all handcuffed, but we didn’t have them in ankle chains or anything, because these guys weren’t especially violent. Well, except we were transporting Willy Jenkins…”

Lisa: “THE Willy Jenkins?”

Sherriff John: “Yup, ma’am. THE Willy Jenkins.”

Lisa: “Oh, this is gonna be good!”

Sherriff John: “Alright, now pay attention ‘cause you ain’t heard nothing yet.”

“So, like I was saying a while back we was transferring the prisoners to Dade County…”

A While Back…

Deputy Smith: “Sherriff John…we’re here.”

Sherriff John: “Alright everyone just sit tight. Let me go get Sherriff Duke (Dade County Sherriff) and we’ll get ya’ll all situated in your new cells soon enough.”

Sherriff John: “So, I tell one of the Dade County deputies that we’re here to drop off some prisoners and to let Sherriff Duke know we’re here. I’m waiting on the bus, you know, waiting for Sherriff Duke to sign the paperwork and take the prisoners. Yeah, so he finally shows up. He walks right up onto the bus and says…”

Sherriff Duke: “Wooo-weee, boy! If I had known you were bringin’ all these n*gg*rs here I would have put up a rope and a noose!”

Lisa: “WHAT THE F----!?!?”

Sherriff John: “Yes, ma’am he said that! Right in front of the prisoners and everything.”

Lisa: “And what did you say?”

Sherriff John: “Well, I was shocked. I even thought I didn’t hear Sherriff Duke properly. So, I says…”

Sherriff John: “Ummm…what…excuse me, but…uhhh…what did you just say?”

Sherriff Duke [clears throat and starts talking slowly]:

“IIIIII….SAIIIDDDDD…IFFFFF….IIIIIII….HADDDDD….KNOWWWNNNN…THATTTT…YA’LLLL WEREEEE….BRINNNGGGINNNGGG….ALLLLL….THEEEESSSEEE N*GGG*RRRSSS….HEEERRRREEEE…..IIIIIIIII….WOUUUULLLLDDDD…HAAAAAVVVEEEE PUUUUTTTTT…UPPPPPPP…AAAAAAA…ROOOPPPPEEEEE…ANNNNDDDDD…AAAAAAA…NOOOOOOOSSSSSEEEEEE.”

“Gee-weee, boy, you retarded or somethin’?”

Sheriff John: “Ummm…”

Sheriff Duke: “Alright, now, I’ll sign for these boys this time. Get ‘dem ready to head on out.”

Lisa: “You didn’t actually hand over those prisoners to that Sherriff?”

Sherriff John: “What was I supposed to do? We had orders to send them to the prison in Dade County. Of course, explaining this to the prisoners was not so easy…”

Prisoner #1: “I ain’t getting off this bus!”

Prisoner #2: “You a crazy whitey if you think we getting’ off this bus!”

Sheriff John: “Now look fellas, I understand…”

Prisoner #3: “Cracka you is crazy!!! We ain’t getting off this bus!!!!”

Sherriff John: “If I could turn back around and put you back in my jail, I would. But the transfer is complete. You’re Sherriff Duke’s prisoners now. So, if you’ll just get up in an orderly fashion…”

Willy Jenkins: “THE MINUTE I GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO SHERRIFF DUKE I’M GONNA KICK HIS ASS!!!!!”

Sheriff John: “Now, Willy…”

Willy Jenkins: “I’M GONNA KICK HIS MOTHER-F*&%$#@ ASS!!!”

Sherriff John: “Willy, please…”

Willy Jenkins: “THE SECOND I GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO HIM, HIS ASS IS GRASS!!!”

Sherriff John: “Willy, I understand how you feel…”

Willy Jenkins: “GRASSSSS!!!!!”

Lisa: “Oh my god! So what did you do? Were you able to actually get them off the bus?”

Sherriff John: “Well, it was really difficult. And, it was only me and Deputies Smith and Wesson on the bus. We thought it was going to be riot and we were going to have to start tazering people. But, through the lord god almighty, I was finally able to convince the prisoners that they had to leave the bus.”

Sherriff John: “Alright, Sherriff Duke. We’re ready for you.”

Sherriff Duke: “Woooo-weeee, Suuuzzzyyy Q! I mean, you ain’t even got these n*ggr*sss chained up properly and hog-tied…”

Sherriff John [whispers to Sherriff Duke]: “Sherriff Duke, if you would just not say anything…”

Sherriff Duke: “What you say, boy?!?”

Sherriff John: “Sherriff, we don’t want to get the prisoners riled up, you know?”

Sherriff Duke: “Well, that’s what I got the n*gg*r killer for…”

[Sheriff Duke points to his gun]

Sherriff Duke [stroking his gun]: “I calls her Bessie!”

Sherriff John: “Oh, dear god...please let me live through this. Please…”

Lisa: “Wow, Sherriff. That was a crazy story!”

“Really, I didn’t realize you’ve been in law enforcement for so long. I mean that you’ve had to deal with people who were so blatantly racist and crazy. That’s so horrible.”

Sherriff John: “Lisa, what are you talking about? This just happened back in 1996.”

Lisa: “WHAT?!?!”

Sherriff John: “Yeah, and the story doesn’t end there…”

“The very next day, I get to my office. It must have been 8 o’clock in the morning. Anyways, I get a phone call. It’s from Sherriff Duke…”

Sherriff Duke: “Woooo-wweeeee boy you better come get yo’ ass down here to Dade County right now!!!”

Sherriff John: “What? What is it Sherriff Duke?”

Sherriff Duke: “That n*gg*r Willy Jenkins done beat my ASS!!!!”

Sherriff John: “What?”

Sherriff Duke: “Prisoner Willy Jenkins! We was putting the prisoners in their cells and I was directing that n*gg*r where to go and as soon as he got close to me he started beating my ASS!!!”

Sherriff John [trying to hold in the laughter]: “Ummm…*snicker*…wow…that’s…*snicker*…horrible.”

Sherriff Duke: “You dang right that’s horrible!! I mean that boy really beat my ASS! I’m missing teeth and everything right now!”

Sherriff John: “I’m so sorry…”

Sherriff Duke: “He beat me down and kept saying, “YO ASS IS GRASSSS!!! YO ASS IS GRASS!!!”

Sherriff John: “Oh…hahaha…I mean…ummm…how unfortunate…”

Sherriff Duke: “Now you look here, you come get this boy! You come get him now! I can’t have prisoners beating my ASS!!! I rescind the transfer, you here me?!?!”

Sherriff John: “Yes, Sherriff. I’ll send some deputies to come pick up Willy.”

Sherriff Duke: “Woooo-weeeee, I can’t believe this mess!!! I mean he really beat my ASS!”

Sherriff John: “Yes, I understand Sherriff.”

Sherriff Duke: “I didn’t even get a chance to use Bessie!”

Sherriff John: “Hehehe…yeah, that’s…too bad about Bessie…”

Sherriff Duke: “COME GET THIS BOY NOW!!!”

Lisa: “AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Sherriff John: “Yeah, that’s some funny stuff, huh?”

Lisa: “Totally is!”

Sherriff John: “Yup.”

Lisa: “But there’s one thing I don’t get. Didn’t Sherriff Duke know that Willy Jenkins had made threats against him on the bus?”

Sherriff John: “Nah, he didn’t know.”

Lisa: “You mean you didn’t tell him that Willy had threatened him?!?! But, you’re always supposed to tell other law enforcement when a prisoner makes a threat!”

Sherriff John: “As far as I’m concerned…sometimes people gotta do what they gotta do. Sure, Willy made a threat. But who am I to go warning other people about stuff. I’m nobody [wink, wink].”

Lisa: “Yeah, I got you Sherriff. I got you.”

“So, what did Willy say when the Deputies picked him up.”

Sherriff John: “Oh, Willy. He only had one thing to say…”

Willy Jenkins: “I told you his ass was grass.”

© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Casualties of Blogger

2006-11-13T07:34:00.000-05:00

Jerk of all Trades was here
but now he's gone
His last few words were
"Pary On!"

Those who knew him
knew him well
And those who didn't
can go to he!!.

--Reese circa 8th Grade

Song of the Year?

2006-11-02T11:45:00.000-05:00

I'm having a hard time picking out which song is going to be the Song of the Year for 2006. It's not that I don't have a lot of songs- that's just the problem. I have too many songs on the list. In fact, I've started taking some songs off the list because the list was getting too long.

Anyways, one of the quandaries I'm in is whether to include songs that came out this year, but were not officially released. For example, I'm in LOVE with this song right now. It's from Beyonce (shut up, I can't help it that she sings this song!) and it's called Upgrade U. Seriously, right now I'm in my office dancing. That's how much I love this song.

Anyhoo, it hasn't been officially released by Beyonce, yet I love it a lot and I heard it this year. So, can a song be contender for Song of the Year if it hasn't been officially released yet? Let me know what you think.

Oh, and please, for the love of God, stop booty popping to this song. You're just embarrassing yourself.

--Reese

Horrible Machinations of Torture

2006-10-30T14:04:00.000-05:00

I went to the Girlie Doctor the other day. For the sake of the boys who read this, I will be as a vague as possible. I know how boys can’t stand reading, learning, or otherwise entertaining anything that has to do with the inner workings of female anatomy.

By the way, you boys really need to grow up. I mean how the hell do you think you ended up on this planet anyways? Whatever.

Reese: [nervous and staring at Dr. Girlie’s instruments of death]

Dr. Girlie: “Well, hello Reese.”

Reese: “Hey.”

Dr. Girlie [prepping for his 5 minutes of torture]: “Reese, I can’t help but see that you are not ready at all for your examination…”

Reese: “I don’t need an examination…”

Dr. G: “…Reese you know what the drill is when you come here…”

Reese: “Okay, but if you would just listen to me…”

Dr. G: “…you have to undress, sit on the examination table, feet in stirrups…”

Reese: “I don’t need an examination!!!”

Dr. G [holding horrible machination of torture]: “Reese, if you would please stop wasting my time…”

Reese: “OH MY GOD…”

Dr. G [waving horrible machination of torture]: “Reese, c’mon now- let’s be an adult…”

Reese: “PUT THAT AWAY!!! PUT IT AWAY!!!”

Dr. G [pointing horrible machination of torture]: “Reese, I’m a very busy doctor and I don’t have time for this…”

Reese [attempts reasoning with Dr. G]: “Yes, which is why you should listen to me. I don’t need an examination!”

Dr. G: “What is it this time, Reese? Are you going to tell me that you know you’re okay and if I just sign a notarized statement saying you’re okay to give to your mother and Lisa so that they will stop harassing you to come see me then you’ll be on your way?”

Reese: “No, no…”

Dr. G [approaching Reese with horrible machination of torture]: “Reese, I’m getting very upset…”

Reese: “I JUST CAME TO GET ON THE PILL!!!!”

Dr. G: “What?”

Reese: “The pill. I just came to get on the pill. I just need a prescription and then I’m gone!”

Dr. G: “Oh.”

Reese: “Could you put away the horrible machination of torture… now…please…”

Dr. G: “I really wish you would stop calling my medically necessary instruments ‘machinations of torture.’”

Reese: “I really wish you would stop calling your machinations of torture ‘medically necessary instruments.’”

Dr. G: “Okay, Reese, let’s make this quick. You want to go on the pill because of what? You’re currently sexually active?”

Reese: “No.”

Dr. G: “Okay, because you expect to be sexually active soon?”

Reese: “Eh, not really, no.”

Dr. G: “Because you want to regulate your visitor**?”

Reese: “No, not exactly…”

Dr. G: “So you want to start taking medication for no reason, Reese?”

Reese: “Well, okay, if I had to pick, it would be for reason #3.”

Dr. G: “You never told me you had an irregular visitor.”

Reese: “I don’t.”

Dr. G [sighs heavily]: “Reese…”

Reese: “Dr. G, I don’t want it anymore.”

Dr. G: “Don’t want what?”

Reese: “A visitor. I don’t want a visitor anymore.”

Dr. G: “Soooo…what you really want is a hysterectomy?”

Reese: “Noooooo!! I just want the pill so I won’t have a visitor anymore.”

Dr. G [another heavy sigh]: “Reese, why do you do this to me?”

Reese: “Because I like you Dr. G and I feel comfortable in asking you these things.”

Dr. G: “Reese, that’s not how the pill works.”

Reese: “Okay, yes that’s not how the pill technically works. BUT, if I skipped the placebos…”

Dr. G: “Ohhh, god…”

Reese: “…then I would never have a visitor.”

Dr. G: “Reese…”

Reese: “Tah-dah! Problem solved!”

Dr. G: “Reese, do you want to feel like a miserable, bloated whale for the rest of your life?”

Reese: “Ummm…no.”

Dr. G: “THEN YOU CAN’T SKIP THE PLACEBOS!!!!”

Reese: “Really?”

Dr. G: “Yes, really!”

Reese: “Man, that really sucks Dr. G.”

Dr. G: “Yes, I guess it does.”

“Now, Reese, I’m still going to give you a prescription for the pill because it will help so that your visitor doesn’t stay around so long. Also, it will make sure that you NEVER procreate. I just don’t know what I would do if there were spawns of you running around, Reese.”

Reese: “You and me both, Dr. G.”

Dr. G: “Yes, now take these pills. Get the prescription filled for more. And don’t come back here again until next year when it’s time for your annual exam again.”

Reese: “What?!? You mean I gotta come back for that torture session again next year?!?!”

Dr. G [another heavy sigh]: “Reese…”

Reese: “I was just here doing that! When you’re as young as me you only have to come once every 10 years or something, right?!?”

Dr. G: “You know what, Reese? For you, it should be once every 10 years- then I wouldn’t have to deal with your craziness but only for once a decade.”

Reese: “So, I’ll see you in 2016?”

Dr. G: “I would say yes, but when your uterus ends up upside down and backwards you would probably sue me.”

Reese: “This is true. I mean, it is your job to take care of me.”

Dr. G: “Yes, unfortunately.”

Reese: “Yup.”

Dr. G: “Next April, Reese. I’ll be calling you personally to remind you.”

Reese: “Ehh…sure….”

Dr. G: [major heavy sigh]

Reese: “Dr. G, could you do me a favor between now and next April?”

Dr. G: “No.”

Reese: “Could you invent something so that the exam isn’t so…how can I say this…the most painful and torturous experience ever bestowed intentionally upon a human being?”

Dr. G: “Reese?”

Reese: “Yeah?”

Dr. G [picking up horrible machination of torture and pointing it threateningly]: “If you don’t leave my office right now…”

Reese [running out the door]: “BYE!!!”

Dr. G [heavy sigh]: “I so have to pawn her off to another Girlie doctor.”

**That’s for you boys. You know what a “visitor” is. Now get over it!**

© Copyright 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Slowin' Down

2006-10-16T06:31:00.000-05:00

Hi, all!

Well, if you haven't noticed, I haven't posted anything new in over a week. That's because I'm not really up on blogging like I used to be. And, while I am not ending this blog, I am announcing that I will no longer be posting regularly anymore.

I basically started Something Different because I was bored. Although I enjoyed writing research papers and legal opinions and other material I'm sure you would find boring, I was never much of a creative writer. But, then I was bored and weirdly-employed so I decided to start writing some things that were stuck in my head. Thus, SD was born.

I've had this blog for almost two years now. And, I've written so much. I never realized I could pull off something like this for so long. And then to have people actually enjoy it was super awesome. So, you know, thanx for feeding my ego for so long, I do appreciate it. ;)

But, now I'm actually going to be fully committed to writing this book I have in my head. I'm not expecting anything big to happen after I write the book, but you know a $500,000 signing bonus, another $500,000 movie option rights, and Orlando Bloom as my date to the Oscars to celebrate my screenwriting nomination would be kind of nice.

Anyways, like I said, SD is NOT ending. It's just not going to be updated as much as it was in the past (so I strongly suggest subscribing to SD using the subscription service located on the sidebar). I will keep you informed on how the book is going. I've got two chapters so far, although I'm thinking of re-writing the first one.

Eh, what can I say? It's a labor of love.

Anyhoo, just keeping you up to date. Again, thanx for reading all of my crap for the last two years. It's been fun. :)

3 Bongs

2006-10-06T13:34:00.000-05:00

I'm off to LQ's wedding. Pictures forthcoming (only if I look good).

In the meantime, here's a classic scene from Facts of Life.

Remember kids, drugs are bad. Just say no.

Off Hiatus...For the Moment

2006-10-03T21:24:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well…

I’m back.

For the moment.

I still haven’t fixed Vicky3, but I do have a new PC card. So, hopefully Vicky3 won’t fry this PC card before I get her fixed. Send a kind plea to Vicky3 for her to behave for me.

In other news, I have a question…

What does it mean when a guy you know does something totally random like, say for instance, comes up from behind you (get your mind out of the gutter) and then surprises you by slightly running his fingers through your hair and then says “Oh, hahaha you knew it was me.”

What the hell? What the hell was that? It was like totally random and I feel uncomfortable because I just don’t like people touching my hair like that. I mean sure it’s soft and fabulous and smells nice, but you know guys shouldn’t be just running their fingers through your hair like that. I mean, you should really get permission before you do something like that.

My hair feels violated. Which is really weird because it’s not like hair guy is creepy or anything, I just feel like that was a totally random thing to do. Also, I had to fix my hair afterwards because he messed it up. I was also really upset about that.

In other hair news, Solaris is no longer my stylist. I go to the same salon, but now this chick name Kathy does it. She’s so awesome! She’s white (I mean, really white, not Christina Aguleria/Latina white) and she’s from Oklahoma! Can you believe that? A white girl from Oklahoma can do black hair like no one’s business! Man, you white girls never cease to amaze me!

Okay, well, anyways it’s late, I’m old, and I need some sleep. This weekend is LQ’s wedding, so pictures will be coming soon. Yeah!

Anyway, I’m out. Peace!

On Hiatus

2006-09-28T09:09:00.000-05:00

Well, unfortunately, this whole mess with Verizon and Gateway has left me internetless; and, the problem doesn't seem to have an end anytime soon.

So, I'm going to have to do what I never thought I would do.

Go on Hiatus...Hiatus...Hiatus...Hiatus...

I know, I'm sad too. I was thinking of posting chapters from my book on here as a way to movtivate myself into writing it. But, alas, that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon.

In any case, I will keep you updated on what's going on with Vicky3-gate. But, until I get all of this stuff fixed, I won't be updating like I used too (which was what, like, twice a week- so maybe you won't miss anything).

Anyways, gotta do some work. Those pesky Senior Attorneys are always breathing down my neck!

I'm out be-otches!!!

Muppets with Attitude

2006-09-25T14:21:00.000-05:00

Go Here.

Such Cute Sneaky Minxies

2006-09-22T13:42:00.000-05:00

First of all, I want to say that I loved everyone's use of Sneaky Minx in a sentence. Except for Kom (Kom, that was the worst use of Sneaky Minx in a sentence ever and you should be ashamed! Ashamed, I say!).

To reward all you Sneaky Minxes out there, I have a special little video that is sure to brighten up your day and simultaneously make you say, "Awwwww!"

Except for Kom. Kom, your punishment for not using Sneaky Minx correctly is that you have to go to China and buy me a Panda. Chop, chop now! Get a move on. Panda's don't just appear in Florida overnight.

Anyhoo, I'm still without a PC card so that means no internet for Reese. Hopefully, next week I can get back on the net.

I'm out, you Sneaky Minxies!